Reviews of The Sound of the Night 19

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  The Metamorphosis
  A review of The Sound of the Night
  by gulfcoastomega on 11/18/2011
  My review of THE SOUND OF THE NIGHT Concept: Told in first person. Main character ‘Toledo’ and his friends go to a speakeasy where Toledo plays the saxophone in a predominantly African American jazz band. I liked this story. It was well written with good flow and description of the characters and atmosphere surrounding the speakeasy crowd. Since the story is open ended... My review of THE SOUND OF THE NIGHT
  
  Concept: Told in first person. Main character ‘Toledo’ and his friends go to a speakeasy where Toledo plays the saxophone in a predominantly African American jazz band.
  
  I liked this story. It was well written with good flow and description of the characters and atmosphere surrounding the speakeasy crowd.
  
  Since the story is open ended (what happens to Toledo in Chicago?) this story is begging to be expanded into a longer more developed piece.
  
  My only suggestion would be: In a story, the main character/protagonist is our hero. There must be something at stake for which the hero strives (against an antagonist - this creates conflict). We get on the side of the hero and root for him to succeed.
  So our hero Toledo encounters his antagonist Mookie, and what is at stake is Toledo’s place in the band. We want to root for Toledo to succeed, but he gives up his spot to Mookie without a fight.
  
  Toledo has to overcome something and succeed, so possibly a closure ending would be to have more world-schooled Toledo return from Chicago after a period of time and have a ‘sax-off’ against Mookie, blow him away and regain his status in the band.
  
  This was a great little story that was an enjoyable read.
  
  best regards read
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  jazz man
  A review of The Sound of the Night
  by maxcrisp on 06/22/2011
  This is a surprisingly well-written story of a musician becoming an artist. A saxophone player finally meets his match and has to rethink his approach to his passion in this well paced piece. The main strengths are the pacing and the outstanding voice. We are whisked from a good catch line, through a city walk and into a jazz club. There the reader is filled in on the musician's... This is a surprisingly well-written story of a musician becoming an artist. A saxophone player finally meets his match and has to rethink his approach to his passion in this well paced piece.
  
  The main strengths are the pacing and the outstanding voice. We are whisked from a good catch line, through a city walk and into a jazz club. There the reader is filled in on the musician's background, before the meat of the story begins. The dialect is natural and above all credible, giving the voice a real presence.
  
  If there is one area which does need some rethinking, then it has to be the flashbacks. There are two suggestions. First, I know that the past perfect has fallen out of fashion thanks to the advent of cinema, but my eyes went a little glazed over in this section, particularly as there are a number of different time frames here. As the writer is clearly ready to bend rules (e.g they was waiting), I suggest putting in a few 'hads' just in the opening sentences of these passages and see if you can sneak back to the simple past. Or change them all the way through... that way the full effect of a change in tense will be felt when the reader comes back to the principle narrative.
  
  Second, and not unrelated, is the transition. The last sentence 'they'll never truly know...' might go better in the next section. Whilst the main character's waiting by the stage, doing all this thinking. After that, this paragraph picks up with 'girls' as the first subject, but then goes on to describe the band and their set. So when 'Boy was they talking' comes in, it's not clear who they is. The girls or the band?
  
  Overall, this is a tightly written, well-felt short story. Aside from a few typos (e.g. Toldeo p.7), it reflects the work of an accomplished writer, who has probably already satisfied that itch. read
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  Your own story...
  A review of The Sound of the Night
  by Adam Greven on 05/27/2011
  I really like the concept of, The Sound of the Night. The setting being the Prohibition era in a dank speakeasy is really cool. Definitely a good start, I’d really like to see more detail on the main character's background. Maybe a little more about his home life and his job, just so we can get a better understanding of where he’s coming from. The language is good as well as... I really like the concept of, The Sound of the Night. The setting being the Prohibition era in a dank speakeasy is really cool. Definitely a good start, I’d really like to see more detail on the main character's background. Maybe a little more about his home life and his job, just so we can get a better understanding of where he’s coming from.
  The language is good as well as the lingo. This is a good start to a book or a first draft to a longer short story that has real potential. Good work. read
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  Tommy Udo loves jazz.
  A review of The Sound of the Night
  by yongary01 on 05/21/2011
  Hello! Thank you for sharing your writing. First, I will give a page-by-page checkup, then an overview. 1- "...the most valuable lesson of my life." Needs a "?" because it is a question. hawk=hock 3-"Ear candy, they called it. I still wonder why they let me share the stage with them." Why does he lack confidence? 4- "the Speakeasy" Is it a club name? If not, it should be... Hello! Thank you for sharing your writing. First, I will give a page-by-page checkup, then an overview.
  
  1- "...the most valuable lesson of my life." Needs a "?" because it is a question.
  hawk=hock
  
  3-"Ear candy, they called it. I still wonder why they let me share the stage with them." Why does he lack confidence?
  
  4- "the Speakeasy" Is it a club name? If not, it should be lower-case.
  
  5-Good messages about dreams here.
  
  7- Indent the paragraph at the top. Mookie's "Don't you know nothing?" is unnecessary.
  "Toldeo"= Toledo.
  
  8-The last two paragraphs, also indent.
  
  This isn't the sort of thing I read on a regular basis. It is heartfelt. Are you a music aficionado? It seems you know the music. All-in-all a decent piece, but I'd like to see the protagonist learn his life lesson via action than someone telling him. However, your message about dreams is great and I find it an inspiring piece. Thanks again for sharing and may you write many more. read
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  Well, I'm scratching!
  A review of The Sound of the Night
  by MaxWatt on 05/21/2011
  I enjoyed this. It not only tells a story but also has a great message. Your use of colloquial narrative voice is very effective, and the dialogue is excellent. Very effective sentences too: "stirring his thoughts around in his glass" - good stuff This is a solid piece of work so all I can really do is nit-pick it to death. The use of "was" seems a bit sudden and doesn't... I enjoyed this. It not only tells a story but also has a great message. Your use of colloquial narrative voice is very effective, and the dialogue is excellent. Very effective sentences too:
  
  "stirring his thoughts around in his glass" - good stuff
  
  This is a solid piece of work so all I can really do is nit-pick it to death.
  
  The use of "was" seems a bit sudden and doesn't fit with your opening four lines.
  
  "Something inside of me was itching, way too far down for me to reach and scratch." - It certainly doesn't give girls a good impression! Joking.
  
  "He was the kind of guy that drew attention to himself despite himself, like a moth to a porch light" (pg 5) - not sure about the simile here. Doesn't flow too well. A minor adjustment would improve this.
  
  Toldeo or Toledo? - pg 7.
  
  "the sound of the night And I’m guessing about how far I can
  get" - pg 8.
  
  Thanks for the read, this is very good. Best of luck to you. read
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  Next Stop Chicago
  A review of The Sound of the Night
  by dgburton on 02/27/2011
  I really enjoyed this story. There was a freshness in your writing that I don't see that often, at least not since the days of hard bop, heroin and the death of the Californian dream. It reminds me a bit of the Beats, but with a more sympathetic and less compulsive voice. Your dialogue was electric. Whole personalities were revealed in their choice of words, and I could feel... I really enjoyed this story. There was a freshness in your writing that I don't see that often, at least not since the days of hard bop, heroin and the death of the Californian dream. It reminds me a bit of the Beats, but with a more sympathetic and less compulsive voice.
  
  Your dialogue was electric. Whole personalities were revealed in their choice of words, and I could feel the temperature of the night rise and picture the pair of girls fully even though they were only briefly described. So your economy with words is great.
  
  The only problem I have is with Toledo's introduction to Mookie. It seemed to arise out of nowhere. I understand Mookie is imbued with a particular charisma, but he seems almost like a mystical figure drawing Toledo towards him. Toledo offering his saxophone to him with barely a word spoken seemed a little unearned. I'd go back and make that initial meeting a little more coherent. Maybe they make a bar bet, Toledo loses, and so he has to hand over the sax to Mookie, thus sealing his fate. Just an idea.
  
  Anyway, I also liked the ending. I was interested in following Toledo further on his great adventure and hope that this might just be a small piece of a bigger story.
  
  Nice job, and best of luck with it. read
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  No Words
  A review of The Sound of the Night
  by Horace Jacobi on 02/27/2011
  I heard quite a bit of good things about this story so I was excited when it popped up on my assignment list, and the fact that it’s sitting in the Top Ten only confirms what I have read. I loved the story from the first sentence to the last. The unique voices and characters all mix together with such ferocity, it is truly astounding. I think what I loved most about this... I heard quite a bit of good things about this story so I was excited when it popped up on my assignment list, and the fact that it’s sitting in the Top Ten only confirms what I have read. I loved the story from the first sentence to the last. The unique voices and characters all mix together with such ferocity, it is truly astounding. I think what I loved most about this piece was Toledo’s description of Mookie’s ability to describe his life through music. That part especially stood out to me, not to mention Mookie’s advice.
  
  I noted a few things below. Nothing important really, a few things that caught my eye. Really, though, due to the narrator’s unique voice all of these could be derived from that and ignored, but I wouldn’t feel right with giving a generalized answer like “there were a few things that didn’t read right for me”, because this doesn’t exactly help the reader when trying to figure out what the reviewer meant.
  
  Page 4: ‘…a baritone that somehow I knew if I had the two of us'd be speaking out loud and proud together. Somehow I knew we could say things…”
  Okay, this is me (and only me, probably) but whenever I see words or phrases repeated it always sticks out in my mind as a bad thing – even though many great writers use repetition for that very effect, to stick out in the readers mind. So, the phrase “somehow I knew” being repeated felt awkward to me, but could have been your intention to do. I guarantee I’m the only one who will point this out… I have weird ways of looking at writing, though.
  
  Page 5: ‘And yet I knew I must talk to him.’
  This sentence sounded clunky to me, almost as if it shifted tense. Rather than ‘must’ maybe ‘had to’.
  
  These things can be racked up to the narrator’s voice and honestly, I was reaching for straws. You got a solid piece on your hand and it deserves all the positive feedback it has received. I envy your ability to weave an intricate web of storytelling with such a simple premise. read
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  Review: The Sound of the Night
  A review of The Sound of the Night
  by Spools on 02/26/2011
  A peptic flow to the callow yearning embedded in a willingness to reach out. Beckoned, a strive of impulse, toward the wealth of self unleashes the mechanics of deep emotion, told in poetics of scale, to free the vibrant lines held within the heart of Lenny. Amongst the raw air of unending nights, illicit purity, and the thrill of rhythm, his passage to unbridled expression... A peptic flow to the callow yearning embedded in a willingness to reach out. Beckoned, a strive of impulse, toward the wealth of self unleashes the mechanics of deep emotion, told in poetics of scale, to free the vibrant lines held within the heart of Lenny. Amongst the raw air of unending nights, illicit purity, and the thrill of rhythm, his passage to unbridled expression is found.
  
  Briskly illustrating the time period through dialogue and narration the story’s journey strides along unfettered. A wonderfully structured plot renders a universe of thought and action in one pivotal night, pairing a great balance of dialogue to narration to keep a well embraced theme of desire vibrant. The introduction of a mentor/master/gatekeeper, Mookie, deep in the story offers great elevation to the plot and enriches the characters to a profound, rather than rote, depth. The ending is understood, but Lenny would have said goodbye to his friends, letting them know how important they are to his journey rather than leaving them fast and cold. He’s supposed to be living life now rather than running from it, even if he’s leaving town.
  
  This story is so close to sizzling. The time period and circumstances are great parts of history, in America and music in general, and offer a rich look back in understanding our country today. Not to mention the personal journey talented individuals accept which is exciting to participate in as reader. There is room for a bit more illustration of the time period, the conditions and manners of life back then; racial issues surround this story - a white man living so close he could walk with three friends to a black speakeasy, and play with the band, wow, in urban America. That’s not it’s plot but some sense has to be portrayed to ground the story. Even the notions of what a speakeasy represents, and Prohibition as morality, could be used to flavor in small bits. read
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  SO LISSEN, JUST LISSEN
  A review of The Sound of the Night
  by BozDonovan on 02/22/2011
  When a story promises “the most valuable lesson in my life” in the first sentence, the cynic in me says “yeah, right.” Fortunately, the author delivered a powerful message just as promised. And, he did it with style. The story plays out like a piece of music. It flows. The dialogue is distinct. The main character speaks in a rhythm all his own. It is a well composed piece... When a story promises “the most valuable lesson in my life” in the first sentence, the cynic in me says “yeah, right.” Fortunately, the author delivered a powerful message just as promised. And, he did it with style.
  
  The story plays out like a piece of music. It flows. The dialogue is distinct. The main character speaks in a rhythm all his own. It is a well composed piece that grabs your interest from the start and keeps it.
  
  Being a jazz afficionado makes this story extra pleasing. I love the feel of the nightclub and the writer’s enthusiasm about musicians who have a passion to play.
  
  The weakest part for me was the section on the brevity of Toledo’s playing experience. The narration loses the colorful slang that the dialogue delivers so well. I wonder if the narrative could be integrated into the dialogue in some way.
  
  Another suggestion, though not necessary, is to give the story a location that people could identify with, like the streets of New Orleans or the jazz clubs of Harlem. Adding a community contributes to the reader’s experience and helps to emphasize that playing the horn is more than a job, it is a way of life.
  
  
  Keep on typing. read
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  Hellz yeah. Daz what I'm talkin' bout.
  A review of The Sound of the Night
  by nick74 on 02/21/2011
  I feel like a cool-ass cat after reading this one. I could go on and on about the great voice, the lingo, the solid pace that never dragged or got swamped down under its own telling, the mood and setting - but I'm not. Nothing really needs to be said about this story except "read it". If I were to say a few words on one of its elements it'd be theme - the one element that... I feel like a cool-ass cat after reading this one. I could go on and on about the great voice, the lingo, the solid pace that never dragged or got swamped down under its own telling, the mood and setting - but I'm not. Nothing really needs to be said about this story except "read it".
  
  If I were to say a few words on one of its elements it'd be theme - the one element that is missing from most of the stories I've read. Not all of them, but certainly most. Sound of the Night has a theme that hums right along, man, like jazz. It's about finding your story, then telling it. But also, I would say there's an unspoken theme in your story. Find your voice. For Toledo, or Lenny (when Toledo gets punched in the balls with humility - which was a nice, enlightening moment) it's a saxophone. For others its writing. For some it's painting, speaking, crunching friggin' numbers - it don't matter. But whatever it is, find it, then tell your story with it.
  
  I love writers who understand how to take their story to the next level, too. This story certainly wasn't average by any means, but this is the line that sent it into orbit:
  
  "Somehow everything eventually started to make sense. Music, real music, started to flow from me. Time and passion does strange things to dreams and determination lays a mighty fine path to travel on."
  
  Because now the character started learning and growing, and his journey was so beautifully internalized. He went from a character to a person, and I went from a reader to an audience. Nice touch. And there were a few other doozies in there much like this one. The great thing about the length of your story is it allows you to expound on these moments even more. Dig for metaphor. Go into a stream-of-consciousness. Take the guy even further down this road. Expound for half a page because these moments is where, in my humble opinion, an audience starts to mesmerize over your voice and your character. And you got the chops.
  
  This is a nice little number, man. It deserves high marks.
  
  You're about to boot someone out of their top 10 spot. Prob'ly me ya bastardo! read