Reviews of This Bad in El Paso 19

• 
  El Paso review
  A review of This Bad in El Paso
  by Darkmisery on 05/10/2012
  - The story is about a guy locked in a trunk and how he got their. In the end we find out that he was double crossed by his girlfriend. What we don't find out is why. Not even a clue. Okay I can see the boss getting taken down for shady deals but why him? I know your story is a little over 4 pages, and that is why you need to trim the fat and stick with the meat... - The story is about a guy locked in a trunk and how he got their. In
  the end we find out that he was double crossed by his girlfriend.
  What we don't find out is why. Not even a clue. Okay I can see the
  boss getting taken down for shady deals but why him? I know your
  story is a little over 4 pages, and that is why you need to trim the
  fat and stick with the meat. I really don't care about all the
  useless back story, the guy is trapped in a trunk.
  - The whole part with the girlfriend seems thrown in just so you can
  introduce her as the double crosser at the end. It's not organic.
  What causes him to think about her?
  - The whole jumping around on the time line is fine, but I don't care
  about the backstory. You might wat to have him moving around in the
  trunk trying to escape and things keep triggering these flash backs.
  That way you keep the reader in the story instead of having them rush
  through it in order to find out if he escapes or not.
  - As your story is right now the guy is trapped in a trunk, bla, bla,
  bla, he doesn't escape. That sucks. I'm just saying you need some
  little morsels in between each bla.
  - Other than that I'm good with the story. No I don't need everything
  spelled out for me, but give me enough to guess.
  - **************concept
  - concept seems solid guy in car gets set up by his girlfriend.
  - **************characters
  - I don't need to know every characters name. Girlfriend, daughter
  is fine
  - for how short the story is the character are well developed. A
  little over developed in some areas for a 4 page story .
  - ***************structure
  - lots of grammerical errors (if I'm wrong on these sorry, just trying to help)
  - ly adverbs - avoid them uses stronger verbs instead. You have way
  to many of them as it is right now.
  - , conjunction - you have a lot of missing commas not just with
  conjunctions
  - its' - it's
  - 'borrow' needs duel quotes unless it's a direct quote
  - 'from the get go' - this is a direct quote it should be in
  quotations.
  - you start with him dreaming of water and in desperate need of a
  drink. It consumes half a page and then we never hear about it
  again. It might be nice to throw it in at the end. Come full
  circle.
  - you reffer to him as Hoss and as Dan Blocker from Bananza. Since
  they are one in the same you can lose the second half.
  - felt choppy read
• 
  Bound & Gagged in El Paso
  A review of This Bad in El Paso
  by Mike Wolfson on 05/07/2012
  Hi Gulfcoast, Occasionally a story drops in to your assignment list with a synopsis that totally appeals to you, and you just want to read the damned thing! That’s exactly what happened here, so you had me hooked before I even read the first line. Thankfully, when I did start reading the story met my expectations and I found it a really fun and enjoyable read. From start... Hi Gulfcoast,
  
  Occasionally a story drops in to your assignment list with a synopsis that totally appeals to you, and you just want to read the damned thing! That’s exactly what happened here, so you had me hooked before I even read the first line.
  
  Thankfully, when I did start reading the story met my expectations and I found it a really fun and enjoyable read. From start to finish it’s a well written story. I love the contrast in the first paragraph.
  The back story that unfolds via our narrator engaged with me.
  
  You switch tenses but I’m specifically mentioning it as a positive, because you pull it off. It’s not easy to do without jarring the reading experience, but it worked for me. I really liked the way the story unfolds with the switches between the scenes in the boot – English term for trunk - of the car, and the back story.
  
  I could clearly visualise the narrator trussed up next to the golf clubs and the decaying Big Tim. The prose flowed freely and was easy to follow.
  
  There’s only one area that I think you should look at in relation to improving the story. I’ve read the story 3 times now, and despite my enjoyment I’m left with the following nagging doubt: Is the voice of the narrator the voice of a man locked, and tied up, in the boot of the car for one or two days with no water, and a decaying corpse next to him? For me it isn’t because the voice is too coherent, and there’s not enough mad panic in him.
  
  Ultimately, whether it needs tweaking is down to what you were aiming for. I was quite happy to suspend belief because I thoroughly enjoyed the story.
  
  Good luck,
  
  Mike read
• 
  not bad at all in "this bad in el paso"
  A review of This Bad in El Paso
  by annegrace on 05/05/2012
  hi. enjoyed this piece very much. i like the contrast between male and female "protagonist". at least the contrast seems to exist between the comfort zone of the male and the generalized presentation of the female. i would have seen more of the comfort zone of the male had it been described to me. however, i am aware that he hates dead bodies and is stuck with one. i like that... hi. enjoyed this piece very much. i like the contrast between male and female "protagonist". at least the contrast seems to exist between the comfort zone of the male and the generalized presentation of the female. i would have seen more of the comfort zone of the male had it been described to me.
  however, i am aware that he hates dead bodies and is stuck with one. i like that too. the use of "flashback" and current senses creates nice movement between time.
  thank you. read
• 
  Spry Short...
  A review of This Bad in El Paso
  by YBU on 05/01/2012
  The evocation of thirst, claustrophobia, disgust, need for air were all effectively described. The background concerning working in the financial services industry was accurately described, for the most part. The threat of the Rodriguez Brothers was visceral. The bleakness, and half-hearted acceptance, (maybe due to injury, couldn't say) of his imminent death, felt contrived... The evocation of thirst, claustrophobia, disgust, need for air were all effectively described.
  
  The background concerning working in the financial services industry was accurately described, for the most part.
  
  The threat of the Rodriguez Brothers was visceral.
  
  The bleakness, and half-hearted acceptance, (maybe due to injury, couldn't say) of his imminent death, felt contrived. He resigned rather complicity, without exhausting any possibilities is all I am saying.
  
  The title needs a re-think, possibly.
  
  But it was a well placed, focused, clearly written short. read
• 
  Short and bittersweet
  A review of This Bad in El Paso
  by matt r jones on 04/30/2012
  The first thing that hit me was the short sentences that are used as the lead wakes up and is recalling what has happened. It is a good way to bring us up to speed and also give us a feeling that he too is putting things together as he comes round. If anything, this theme could be used more and then as the story goes on, the sentences could become longer and more coherent... The first thing that hit me was the short sentences that are used as the lead wakes up and is recalling what has happened. It is a good way to bring us up to speed and also give us a feeling that he too is putting things together as he comes round. If anything, this theme could be used more and then as the story goes on, the sentences could become longer and more coherent.
  I love the idea and form of the story. A guy stuck in the boot is a great tool for setting the scene and the sudden urgency required here.
  The language is good and we can feel the suffocation in the boot. Maybe a bit more?
  
  My only concerns are due to the ambiguity ending and the relationship with the girlfriend. Time is spent telling us about the pizza place and the frogman and we see a glimpse of a relationship that comes across as superficial, no real connection at all. This brings me to the ambiguity. Is the relationship real? Is it a trick to set up the lead? If so, why wouldn't the brothers just take care of them without the financial set up? The ending tells us that the sister and girlfriend shows up but we have no idea as to why. Is she there to help him or help to kill him? The final line makes us think the worse but there wasn't enough in the story to make this feel like the sucker punch it could be if this is the case.
  
  Overall, I really liked it but wanted a more solid conclusion. read
• 
  Pretty Good
  A review of This Bad in El Paso
  by The_Stoic on 04/28/2012
  I really enjoyed how you used first person narrative in the story. This story was a good one to use it on, being that he was in the trunk. What I particularly liked was how, even though it was first person, you still managed to keep some things from the audience. Like Rosa having connections with Luis Rodriguez. You left things open, like was he set up by Rosa or not?... I really enjoyed how you used first person narrative in the story. This story was a good one to use it on, being that he was in the trunk. What I particularly liked was how, even though it was first person, you still managed to keep some things from the audience. Like Rosa having connections with Luis Rodriguez. You left things open, like was he set up by Rosa or not? I did not think that needed to be answered. That is for the reader to speculate.
  
  However, I would say that the dialogue was pretty good for what was written. There wasn't too much dialogue, but a lot of narrative. You gave us some background to who the characters were, but I advise that you try to make them more rounded. There was really no one to root for in this story. You did have the protagonist doing shady deals and the antagonists ruthless, but in this story I did not really see a good guy. The characters were a bit too shallow and did not have adequate depth. They were believable to an extent though.
  
  Overall, the story was really good and I like the idea. Keep it up!
  
  The Stoic read
• 
  This good in El Paso
  A review of This Bad in El Paso
  by Revale on 04/15/2012
  Wow. This is really well written in first person, not something evey writer can pull off, but you've done an outstanding job of it. Very visceral descriptions of what the narrarator is going through. Enough to make me squirm a bit. I can smell the stench around him and feel the sweat as the heat swamps him. I particularly like it when he says he would puke except for the tape... Wow. This is really well written in first person, not something evey writer can pull off, but you've done an outstanding job of it.
  
  Very visceral descriptions of what the narrarator is going through. Enough to make me squirm a bit. I can smell the stench around him and feel the sweat as the heat swamps him. I particularly like it when he says he would puke except for the tape over his mouth.
  
  An excellent job of giving us expositon after the fact. Skillfully tying up all the loose ends and making us see where John went wrong. Even the foreshadowing with him wondering why Rosa would be interested in him is so subtle that it's only after the fact that I realized what had happened.
  
  Not a happy story and the ending is ambiguous. I wondered if Rosa was going to save him when we hear Iron Maiden playing nearby, but you leave us guessing which I think is a good thing.
  
  All in all, an excellent effort, well written and well thought out. Congratulations for making the story stand out in a sea of mediocrity. Well done and thank you for letting me read it. read
• 
  Cool and Scary
  A review of This Bad in El Paso
  by Anonymmous on 04/14/2012
  I thought this was an entertaining story which kept the reader reading. The problems I see could be fixed by the author reading it over and editing. At times the writing seems to get a little choppy and sounds awkward. The other problem is that the story seems to lack a climax. There aren't many very exciting scenes and in a story like this one a large gun battle or action... I thought this was an entertaining story which kept the reader reading. The problems I see could be fixed by the author reading it over and editing. At times the writing seems to get a little choppy and sounds awkward. The other problem is that the story seems to lack a climax. There aren't many very exciting scenes and in a story like this one a large gun battle or action sequence would give the story that extra bit of energy. Currently the story is interesting but fails to fully engage the readers. the story could also be improved by further development of the central character. While reading I was never given any reason to care if this guy lives or dies and thus, was never able to have much of an emotional interest in the story. read
• 
  Impressive story
  A review of This Bad in El Paso
  by Brunetm on 02/03/2012
  This story was very well written. I felt the emotion of the character as the story was told through the eyes of the victim. What I loved about the story was the info on the main characters girlfriend. Her interest and love of heavy metal music, such as iron madden at first I thought was useless info, but at the end of the story it turned out to give it the punch it needed... This story was very well written. I felt the emotion of the character as the story was told through the eyes of the victim.
  What I loved about the story was the info on the main characters girlfriend. Her interest and love of heavy metal music, such as iron madden at first I thought was useless info, but at the end of the story it turned out to give it the punch it needed. I felt for the character and hoped the entire time he would escape or be saved in some capacity. I thought he had a chance since one of the men who beat him and had him captive was his girlfriends brother. Then at the end he was in the trunk and heard iron madden music, so I thought it was his girlfriend coming to rescue him, but it turned out to be nothing. It really got me I thought for sure it was her. read
• 
  This Bad, This Good
  A review of This Bad in El Paso
  by mpet on 01/31/2012
  I liked this a lot. My big complaint would be that it ended. I was really getting into it then BLAM, that was it. I love the locked in a trunk perspective. There are so many senses to be explored in this scenario. Senses that often fall to the wayside. You tapped into smell and sound, but I think you could expand this and really get creative with the setting while relaying... I liked this a lot. My big complaint would be that it ended. I was really getting into it then BLAM, that was it. I love the locked in a trunk perspective. There are so many senses to be explored in this scenario. Senses that often fall to the wayside. You tapped into smell and sound, but I think you could expand this and really get creative with the setting while relaying an interesting story.
  
  And again, the story really had my attention (just as much as the setting). I was curious to see how he would react knowing Rosa was near. Would he be able to hear the conversation that might occur between her and her brother. If it was indeed the brothers driving the car. I wanted to see if it was a set up or would it get uglier when the brothers find they've kidnapped and beaten their sister's boyfriend.
  
  So many questions, such build up, such anticipation.... And I was just left hanging. I want more cuz I really liked what I read and see so much potential in the foundation you have. read