Reviews of WikiLeak: Baja, 51st State 6

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  Review: WikiLeak: Baja, 51st State
  A review of WikiLeak: Baja, 51st State
  by writermorris on 04/25/2013
  You are more than likely the most original writer on Trigger Street, I've read a couple of your pieces now and they all have an almost reportage style of writing. This story read like a very cool impersonal view of what would happen if this actually happened. Again because it's a report so no dialogue needed, a lovely stand alone story. I spotted a couple of typos P1 - Shorn... You are more than likely the most original writer on Trigger Street, I've read a couple of your pieces now and they all have an almost reportage style of writing. This story read like a very cool impersonal view of what would happen if this actually happened.
  Again because it's a report so no dialogue needed, a lovely stand alone story. I spotted a couple of typos P1 - Shorn should read Sworn ... P2 - Plaque should read Plague, oh and you ended with page 30 instaed of 3 - You are an excellent writer, keep them coming. read
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  BAJA HA HA!!
  A review of WikiLeak: Baja, 51st State
  by Tripsheet Revision on 02/04/2012
  This proposal isn’t so much a story as a two page joke. And I get it, because I get frustrated, too, watching the evening news and hearing the latest. And it doesn't seem to matter which party's in control, they're always out of control. And it's clever, connecting it to the Wiki nuts. It is amusing to consider and probably makes as much sense as anything coming out of DC... This proposal isn’t so much a story as a two page joke. And I get it, because I get frustrated, too, watching the evening news and hearing the latest. And it doesn't seem to matter which party's in control, they're always out of control. And it's clever, connecting it to the Wiki nuts. It is amusing to consider and probably makes as much sense as anything coming out of DC. You need to beef it up, though, and I think the blunder of having the ATF sell guns to the drug cartels in Mexico is a good place to start. You might conclude with Eric Holder going to work for Taco Bell in Baja, which is probably where they found him in the first place. Thanks for the chuckle. Funny stuff, cleverly conceived, but “where’s the beef?”
  
  You wrote: I will be shorn in... should be sworn in. read
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  Great beginning, yet more needed
  A review of WikiLeak: Baja, 51st State
  by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 12/17/2011
  A cynical, yet intelligent take on a modern topic. But it needs to be expanded a lot to have even more impact. The details are lacking, and I think the author could do so much more with the story. It would be great to have an episode of the takeover described, perhaps the author was actually there and can tell what happened. That way it moves from just describing what happens... A cynical, yet intelligent take on a modern topic. But it needs to be expanded a lot to have even more impact. The details are lacking, and I think the author could do so much more with the story. It would be great to have an episode of the takeover described, perhaps the author was actually there and can tell what happened. That way it moves from just describing what happens to experiencing what happens. read
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  And if that doesn't work, we'll annex Canton! No, wait...
  A review of WikiLeak: Baja, 51st State
  by harriet nyborg on 11/25/2011
  Hi! Well, more of a bulletin than a short story, right? very clever. It kind of just is what it is, so I'll just ask you some of the questions I am thinking after reading it and I have one small suggestion. So, obviously, what goes mostly unaddressed is the immigration issue. Are people from baha who are illegals in Cali now citizens of the US (once the invasion takes... Hi! Well, more of a bulletin than a short story, right? very clever. It kind of just is what it is, so I'll just ask you some of the questions I am thinking after reading it and I have one small suggestion.
  So, obviously, what goes mostly unaddressed is the immigration issue. Are people from baha who are illegals in Cali now citizens of the US (once the invasion takes hold?). Why would you reserve beachfront property for stores and not CEOs? I like the 'real mexican food' bit. This story seems political, so if you wanted to make an argument for one side or another you could state how the new citizens would have one year to learn english or face deportation to another part of mexico - forfeiture of his plantain stand. Or something along those lines.
  
  My only suggestion is that instead of a wikileaks notice, you make this the actual orders, complete with instructions for troops and discussing the different phases of the operation and what may be required. This would also allow yopu to use military jargon, which, if you turn it on it's head, could enhance the satire.
  
  It's short, but funny. Oh America, I just can't quit you!
  read
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  Bah Baja
  A review of WikiLeak: Baja, 51st State
  by chessaol on 11/19/2011
  The story is about taking over Baja California and converting it into the 51st state. The military takeover of Baja and the intimidation of the Mexican government to allow the takeover is a less than intelligent premise. We rejected the idea of taking all of Mexico when Texas whipped their army after the Alamo and the Mexicans have resented it ever since. Why invade dry baron... The story is about taking over Baja California and converting it into the 51st state. The military takeover of Baja and the intimidation of the Mexican government to allow the takeover is a less than intelligent premise.
  We rejected the idea of taking all of Mexico when Texas whipped their army after the Alamo and the Mexicans have resented it ever since. Why invade dry baron Baja and start a war when we could get Mexico to become the 51st state for an offer of food stamps and legal status.
  
  The story as written is dry and boring and resembles a story idea more than an actual story. There are no characters, dialogue or action only the bare bones idea.
  
  Did UI like the story? No.
  It isn’t a story but an idea for a story and it could make interesting reading when finished. This does qualify as a story because it has a beginning, a middle and an end but it could be SO much better when fleshed out. Don’t waste your creativity on ideas but develop them yourself into a full fledged story. read
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  Diatribe on debt
  A review of WikiLeak: Baja, 51st State
  by f-ceska on 09/05/2011
  Concept: You have an idea here, but I don’t think it’s exactly a story. It breaks the basic rules of having a beginning, a middle and an end, or any definable characters. It’s really more of a fragment, a monologue, a diatribe. I can see it becoming a short story, but I think it needs to be developed. Who is the narrator? Why is he really writing this? We need someone to relate... Concept: You have an idea here, but I don’t think it’s exactly a story. It breaks the basic rules of having a beginning, a middle and an end, or any definable characters. It’s really more of a fragment, a monologue, a diatribe. I can see it becoming a short story, but I think it needs to be developed. Who is the narrator? Why is he really writing this? We need someone to relate to. Someone to visualise. We need a context or a background.
  
  Style of writing: For its purpose, it’s well communicated. As an expression of prosaic creation, it seems wanting. It’s basic and to the point, as I am sure a wikileak document must be, but it lacks emotion or visual element.
  
  Formatting: I think you need a title page.
  Notes:
  p.1 ‘I will be shorn in.’ (Shouldn’t it be sworn in?)
  
  Good luck. read