shortkill

member since 11/18/2002 | last login 01/10/2011

My name is Mark Atwater and I live in Illinois. I've been writing screenplays for over ten years. I'm currently working on lucky number 13. I have a webpage called Mark's Screenwriting Page which can be viewed at http://www.markatwater.com Glad to be...

Submissions by shortkill

Stiff Luck

a screenplay by shortkill

Genres: comedy

A heavily indebted funeral director employs a man with very bad luck to boost his business.

Reviews by shortkill 13

New Hope Review

A review of New Hope

by shortkill on 10/03/2008

“New Hope” tells the story of Otho, a slave returning from the civil war, trying find his family. Otho must endure many trials to find Judy, his wife, and the fate of his two children. With the help of Granny, a quick witted former slave, he is able to survive and eventually reunite with Judy. But on his trail through the whole story is Jake Ransom, the son of his former owner... read

Lost in Translation

A review of Engrish

by shortkill on 05/16/2008

“Engrish” is about a slacker who goes to Japan to teach English and in the process finds himself? Well, maybe. Oliver the main character can’t really keep a job and decides without much formal education to teach English to enthusiastic Japanese people. What I expected was Oliver to grow throughout the story and find some direction in life, but he really just meanders through... “Engrish” is about a slacker who goes to Japan to teach English and in the process finds himself? Well, maybe. Oliver the main character can’t really keep a job and decides without much formal education to teach English to enthusiastic Japanese people. What I expected was Oliver to grow throughout the story and find some direction in life, but he really just meanders through the story without resolving anything.
I’m not a stickler on format, but there are some areas you might want to go back over. I’m sure some of the reviews will point them out, so I won’t waste time on that. David Trottier’s Screenwriting Bible pretty much explains everything you need to know on that subject of screenplay format. I tend to focus on story in my reviews, so that’s what I will do.
One of the main problems of the script is the length at 127. Making this a two hour and seven minute movie if you play by the one page equal one minute scenario. The open with the cuts between the music store and the auto dealership has 9 inter cuts in two pages. The first ten pages establishing Oliver as out of his element selling cars could be done in two pages. Many of your scenes are way to long and stall the story. Most scenes shouldn’t be over two pages. You want to get in and out of a scene as fast as you can. For instance, Steve and Oliver discuss him losing his job and going on the road as a band from page 10 to page 16. Then bam Oliver gets a job in Japan on page 19. Such a life decision it would seem would need more build up and play into the plot a lot more. Which leads me to the point that I don’t think Oliver is setup with the drive to take on such a endeavor.
Another point is I’m not sure this plays as a comedy and its not quite a coming of age drama. The scenes tend to play episodic and don’t really follow each other to a forward progression. I think tightening the scenes and looking at what you need besides playing for humor. An example, the sword fight between Kurtis and the Japanese lady in the convenience store from page 51 - 58. It really doesn’t add anything to the story.
So, the length of the screenplay could be chopped down quite a bit and finding the spine of the story are two points I think you could focus on. I think the cultural differences could make for an interesting story, but Oliver is not really driven to make him a character worth rooting for. And that’s my two cents take it for what its worth.
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Kafka Scores

A review of Czechmate (Rev 2)

by shortkill on 04/16/2008

“Czechmate” is a solid comedy with a fairly original premise and a great title. Bob Hayduke, a former child prodigy, must marry to get his mother out of his hair. But Bob’s not real good at dating, so he finds a service that hooks up single men with beautiful European women. Throw in a Jody, a makeup artist, looking for Mr. Right and the story is afoot. The opening is very... “Czechmate” is a solid comedy with a fairly original premise and a great title. Bob Hayduke, a former child prodigy, must marry to get his mother out of his hair. But Bob’s not real good at dating, so he finds a service that hooks up single men with beautiful European women. Throw in a Jody, a makeup artist, looking for Mr. Right and the story is afoot.

The opening is very good, setting up the characters and story they inhabit. The comedy bits are good and placed well throughout the script. The cut shot from the actress in the play to the bowl of ice cream makes the screenplay alone. You’ll know what I mean when you read it. And the Viagra seen is pretty humorous. So, as a comedy goes, this is a very good script.

I think where I find some areas to focus on is trimming the story down a bit. The scene where Bob calls his buddies, Jeff and Mike, to check on his mother and they go and find she’s not home. So, she might be the dreaded Iron Eagle? But nothing really happens in those scenes to warrant these characters in their own scenes. Also, I think the scene where Jody over hears Suzette’s plan on page 47 could be done more creatively then just overhearing it in a bar. Olga’s scene where she accosts the school teacher in the front of the children is humorous but plays a little long with them repeating what she says each time.

One of the scenes that baffles me is when Olga exposes Jody, we finally see the rest of the people on the Czechmate trip. I think this should’ve been established earlier, because it seems like the trip consists of just Bob, Jody, and Suzette. I know Bob is the pawn to Suzette’s plan and the focus, but a scene showing all the bachelors arriving at the hotel would’ve helped the shift from Chicago to Prague. As it stands we have a banner on page 35 welcoming the members and the party on page 76.

Overall, the screenplay has good writing and solid dialogue. Trimming some of the scenes, especially in the last third where the story kind of stalls with Bob and Jody being chased around by Olga, would tighten up the script. The conclusion in Branson is really over the top, but fits the storyline and I mean that in a good way. Long live the K.C.T.B. ! read

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Submissions by shortkill

Reviews by shortkill 13

Comments About shortkill 11

disaxster on 10/20/2008

MikeyMook on 10/08/2008

stevend on 10/04/2008

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Submissions by shortkill

Reviews by shortkill 13

Comments About shortkill 11

disaxster on 10/20/2008

MikeyMook on 10/08/2008

stevend on 10/04/2008

ma_caiti on 06/24/2008

samuelmainville on 05/23/2008

dbenamor on 05/17/2008

FTL-THINKTANK on 05/16/2008

David Muhlfelder on 04/16/2008

Gammon on 04/09/2008

potniatheron on 04/04/2008

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