A pushover office worker must spring into action when the company kids he's chaperoning for the day are kidnapped... more
silverberetta17
member since 02/29/2008 |
last login 05/27/2012
Hey, just a struggling screenwriter trying to break in like the rest of ya! I love writing thrillers, comedies, horror and drama. And I'm harmless....
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Hey, just a struggling screenwriter trying to break in like the rest of ya! I love writing thrillers, comedies, horror and drama. And I'm harmless.
Submissions by silverberetta17
Reviews by silverberetta17 23
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A review of Double Vision (The Next Revision)by silverberetta17 on 11/02/2009Well, well, well. I was very excited to delve into my first Bob script. I've heard great things about your writing...but finally needed to see one for myself. Bob, you write exceptionally well. Your descriptions and actions are crisp and succinct. You get to the point in every scene and that's wonderful. Of course you know that already. Your dialogue is very good. I mean... Well, well, well. I was very excited to delve into my first Bob script. I've heard great things about your writing...but finally needed to see one for myself.
Bob, you write exceptionally well. Your descriptions and actions are crisp and succinct. You get to the point in every scene and that's wonderful.
Of course you know that already.
Your dialogue is very good. I mean reeaaaally good. I'm impressed at the number of witty lines between the Fathers, rather than the typical Hollywood expositional dialogue. Congrats.
Now where to begin.
I am not religious, and therefore was kinda apprehensive to read this. See, I'm kinda dismissive towards preachy religious scripts yada yada yada. But because it was Bob, I made an exception.
And I'm glad I did.
Your characters are wonderful. Joyce, Tom, Lisa, they all have their own stories and problems that we feel and care for them.
I love the idea that Mary is seen by 2 very different women, each giving very different instructions, respectfully. That is a fantastic idea and it gives the audience something to think about.
I also really like the idea that the backdrop is the Palestinian/Israeli conflict, and how you don't take sides but rather make arguments for each.
I don't know what to tell you. The story is fresh, the characters are great (love how you contrast Joyce and her daughters with Lisa and her mother), and the dialogue is sharp.
You've done one *hell* of a job.... hehe.
But....
There's always a but.
But unfortunately, I think this is everything Hollywood/prodcos do not want!
I'm referring to the religion AND politics here. Commercially speaking, this doesn't cut it. Religion startles people and politics polarizes.
How can something like this be made? That's the sad reality I see this facing.
But marketing this script is not my job. Reviewing it is.
And as I said, you've done well. You know the story you want.
It kinda rings more like a drama/thriller at times rather than horror. I guess the nightmarish visions of hell make it a horror-- though this could easily be labeled a drama because of the domestic and political aspects to it.
A few quibbles:
- I think the sequence where Joyce seduces/knocks out the tour guide goes on for a bit long. I think it can be trimmed a 'lil on each end.
- The denouement is 11 pages! Once the climax is over (which I assumed was the assassination) I think it should be 3-4 pages MAX....
...that is unless the REAL climax was with Cardinal Vincenze and Father Tom. In that case you might consider moving that before the podium scene.
- It seems to me the conversation between David and Talib in the hospital kinda simplifies the whole conflict-- in this story's and the real issue's.
It's convenient I suppose how the survivors of each side are the most open-minded ones. Guess it makes sense... though I'm not sure *killing* the other guys is the right thing to do :/
- And why does Father Tom simply leave Cardinal Vincenze just like that? Isn't he the Devil, or the devil incarnate?
Shouldn't there be a happy ending here? Shouldn't Tom KILL him? I know it sounds predictable, but it makes sense in this story.
After all, will there ever be peace in the Middle East in THIS world? According to you- no, because the final scene shows a bunch of teens being seduced by him yet again.
It's effective yes, but I think it's cheap also because you've almost simplified the West Bank issue for the expense of a horror movie.
I like the ending where everyone lives peacefully ever after.
Hmmm, sorry if that sounds confusing....
And *for the love of God*, please consider a NEW title! 'Double Vision' isn't catchy! It is plain and boring! I know you can think of a better one!
Again, great job Bob. You know how to write 'em. Sorry if I ranted about the marketable factor, but I always look for premise first!
Let's hope you change the name of the game with this script. Religion. Politics. Horror. It can happen.
peAce Bob,
Nick
PS: How about 'Bloody Mary' as a title! It makes sense because Joyce is an alcoholic! ;) read -
A review of America Lostby silverberetta17 on 04/19/2008This review is especially difficult for me because while I agree with the message here, the story and characters do not work for me at all. Overall, there was way too much talking, nothing really going on that moved me, and stock characters that didn't do anything for this material. A huge disappointment. I couldn't get over your heavy-handedness of this argument here. Let... This review is especially difficult for me because while I agree with the message here, the story and characters do not work for me at all. Overall, there was way too much talking, nothing really going on that moved me, and stock characters that didn't do anything for this material. A huge disappointment.
I couldn't get over your heavy-handedness of this argument here. Let me explain it this way: remember when critics said the film "Crash" pulled at your heartstrings too much? Well, this screenplay practically rips out your soul. It's almost too pretentious with its overbearing "evil" Republican congressmen.
When we began with the Oval Office, I thought this might be some sort of satire in how a case for war is justified. I even got excited when we cut to the Hollywood scene thinking this could be a quirky dark comedy with both politics and entertainment mashing together.
Problem is, this is more reality than satire. As the story moves forward, things get so ridiculous that I was at the point where I thought this was all a bad joke. Leland asked to appear in court? Pardon my language- but give me a fucking break- that's just going into the absurdity. Earlier you referenced Joe McCarthy and his Communism trials- so this hearing is so preposterous because IT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN TODAY.
And when he's locked outside the studio, I wanted to laugh even more. You need to realize that when you set your story is a realistic world like ours, you cannot change things so easily. Let's say this Leland guy was - I dunno- supposed to be Michael Moore or Tim Robbins. Would producers lock them out because they disagreed with Bush and the Iraq war?
Of course they wouldn't.
Some things here do in fact mimic events that played out. This Teri girl no doubt was based on the Dixie Chicks and what happened to them after they dare speak out. Nothing wrong with imitating history again, but make sure things don't get out of hand, eg. burning down Malloy's Bar? That's another silly scene I advise you to cut.
Like I said, there is so much unnecessary dialogue here it's painful. You keep hammering us with this rightful but redundant message of freedom of speech during a war- that it becomes old fast.
The scene of Adrianna with Cody and the Christian woman is a good example. Stop lecturing us about gays and get to the point. I myself agree with the actress that sexuality isn't a choice but decided early on- yet why do you rub it in our faces so much? So many long conversations are exactly what I'm talking about here- you don't need so much BORING DIALOGUE- just give us the damn idea and move on. (On another note, this scene is pointless in this story.)
Go examine Clooney's film "Good Night and Good Luck". The message there parallels what you have here- but the difference is that there's SUBTLETY in that script. Your script will drive everyone- including me- away because it's beating us over the head with its message.
And that was the 1950s, a time when America was so unified after WW2 that evil men like McCarthy was able to rant on about citizens he believed were Communist. In today's world, especially 2008, NOTHING IN THIS SCRIPT WOULD EVER HAPPEN. This makes me wonder when you wrote this script? Was it around 2004, when there was still much support for the Iraq war?
Now of course we all know the Iraq war was a mistake and many of America's stands on habeas corpus and privacy and freedoms were stripped apart and used accordingly by Bush and his cronies. But don't let me lecture, because I could go on and on here.
You need to make big decisions here. First of all, decide what world you're setting this in. The future could set a strong parable, for instance if government has become so power-hungry that events in this script could be plausible.
Also decide if you'll actually be satirizing the current state of affairs instead of just replacing the actual politicians with actors.
You need to find a way to deliver your message without beating us senseless? [Is my point sinking in, now? Good! This is how I felt when I read YOUR SCRIPT! Hehe....]
And for heaven's sake cut all that cliche and overwritten dialogue about freedom of speech and blah blah blah. Everyone agrees with you, man! Relax! Cheer up! America is not ALL LOST, yet! Us screenwriters can maybe save it from its sad state.
Then again, maybe not. read -
A review of Out of Contextby silverberetta17 on 03/24/2008I wanted to watch this short because the synopsis seemed eerily similar to a script I'm working on. Having said that, I think this is a neat little short. I liked all of the shots as it kept me intrigued as to what the mystery here was. The acting was all good, and this is a very well made piece from a technical standpoint. Now I think there might be one too many lines devoted... I wanted to watch this short because the synopsis seemed eerily similar to a script I'm working on.
Having said that, I think this is a neat little short. I liked all of the shots as it kept me intrigued as to what the mystery here was.
The acting was all good, and this is a very well made piece from a technical standpoint.
Now I think there might be one too many lines devoted to toying with us, especially concerning any "bomb" or whatever the woman thinks she's hearing. Looking back I don't understand why the second guy asks his partner to keep it down, so no one can hear. It's not like the girl they're throwing this for is around or anything.
And why did they leave the necklace on the table? That seemed a little random and forced- in other words he was just told him not to forget it so why would BOTH of them leave it there? Maybe I missed something!!
Overall, pretty good job. Nice story and nice execution. read
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Submissions by silverberetta17
Reviews by silverberetta17 23
-
A review of Double Vision (The Next Revision)by silverberetta17 on 11/02/2009Well, well, well. I was very excited to delve into my first Bob script. I've heard great things about your writing...but finally needed to see one for myself. Bob, you write exceptionally well. Your descriptions and actions are crisp and succinct. You get to the point in every scene and that's wonderful. Of course you know that already. Your dialogue is very good. I mean... Well, well, well. I was very excited to delve into my first Bob script. I've heard great things about your writing...but finally needed to see one for myself.
Bob, you write exceptionally well. Your descriptions and actions are crisp and succinct. You get to the point in every scene and that's wonderful.
Of course you know that already.
Your dialogue is very good. I mean reeaaaally good. I'm impressed at the number of witty lines between the Fathers, rather than the typical Hollywood expositional dialogue. Congrats.
Now where to begin.
I am not religious, and therefore was kinda apprehensive to read this. See, I'm kinda dismissive towards preachy religious scripts yada yada yada. But because it was Bob, I made an exception.
And I'm glad I did.
Your characters are wonderful. Joyce, Tom, Lisa, they all have their own stories and problems that we feel and care for them.
I love the idea that Mary is seen by 2 very different women, each giving very different instructions, respectfully. That is a fantastic idea and it gives the audience something to think about.
I also really like the idea that the backdrop is the Palestinian/Israeli conflict, and how you don't take sides but rather make arguments for each.
I don't know what to tell you. The story is fresh, the characters are great (love how you contrast Joyce and her daughters with Lisa and her mother), and the dialogue is sharp.
You've done one *hell* of a job.... hehe.
But....
There's always a but.
But unfortunately, I think this is everything Hollywood/prodcos do not want!
I'm referring to the religion AND politics here. Commercially speaking, this doesn't cut it. Religion startles people and politics polarizes.
How can something like this be made? That's the sad reality I see this facing.
But marketing this script is not my job. Reviewing it is.
And as I said, you've done well. You know the story you want.
It kinda rings more like a drama/thriller at times rather than horror. I guess the nightmarish visions of hell make it a horror-- though this could easily be labeled a drama because of the domestic and political aspects to it.
A few quibbles:
- I think the sequence where Joyce seduces/knocks out the tour guide goes on for a bit long. I think it can be trimmed a 'lil on each end.
- The denouement is 11 pages! Once the climax is over (which I assumed was the assassination) I think it should be 3-4 pages MAX....
...that is unless the REAL climax was with Cardinal Vincenze and Father Tom. In that case you might consider moving that before the podium scene.
- It seems to me the conversation between David and Talib in the hospital kinda simplifies the whole conflict-- in this story's and the real issue's.
It's convenient I suppose how the survivors of each side are the most open-minded ones. Guess it makes sense... though I'm not sure *killing* the other guys is the right thing to do :/
- And why does Father Tom simply leave Cardinal Vincenze just like that? Isn't he the Devil, or the devil incarnate?
Shouldn't there be a happy ending here? Shouldn't Tom KILL him? I know it sounds predictable, but it makes sense in this story.
After all, will there ever be peace in the Middle East in THIS world? According to you- no, because the final scene shows a bunch of teens being seduced by him yet again.
It's effective yes, but I think it's cheap also because you've almost simplified the West Bank issue for the expense of a horror movie.
I like the ending where everyone lives peacefully ever after.
Hmmm, sorry if that sounds confusing....
And *for the love of God*, please consider a NEW title! 'Double Vision' isn't catchy! It is plain and boring! I know you can think of a better one!
Again, great job Bob. You know how to write 'em. Sorry if I ranted about the marketable factor, but I always look for premise first!
Let's hope you change the name of the game with this script. Religion. Politics. Horror. It can happen.
peAce Bob,
Nick
PS: How about 'Bloody Mary' as a title! It makes sense because Joyce is an alcoholic! ;) read -
A review of America Lostby silverberetta17 on 04/19/2008This review is especially difficult for me because while I agree with the message here, the story and characters do not work for me at all. Overall, there was way too much talking, nothing really going on that moved me, and stock characters that didn't do anything for this material. A huge disappointment. I couldn't get over your heavy-handedness of this argument here. Let... This review is especially difficult for me because while I agree with the message here, the story and characters do not work for me at all. Overall, there was way too much talking, nothing really going on that moved me, and stock characters that didn't do anything for this material. A huge disappointment.
I couldn't get over your heavy-handedness of this argument here. Let me explain it this way: remember when critics said the film "Crash" pulled at your heartstrings too much? Well, this screenplay practically rips out your soul. It's almost too pretentious with its overbearing "evil" Republican congressmen.
When we began with the Oval Office, I thought this might be some sort of satire in how a case for war is justified. I even got excited when we cut to the Hollywood scene thinking this could be a quirky dark comedy with both politics and entertainment mashing together.
Problem is, this is more reality than satire. As the story moves forward, things get so ridiculous that I was at the point where I thought this was all a bad joke. Leland asked to appear in court? Pardon my language- but give me a fucking break- that's just going into the absurdity. Earlier you referenced Joe McCarthy and his Communism trials- so this hearing is so preposterous because IT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN TODAY.
And when he's locked outside the studio, I wanted to laugh even more. You need to realize that when you set your story is a realistic world like ours, you cannot change things so easily. Let's say this Leland guy was - I dunno- supposed to be Michael Moore or Tim Robbins. Would producers lock them out because they disagreed with Bush and the Iraq war?
Of course they wouldn't.
Some things here do in fact mimic events that played out. This Teri girl no doubt was based on the Dixie Chicks and what happened to them after they dare speak out. Nothing wrong with imitating history again, but make sure things don't get out of hand, eg. burning down Malloy's Bar? That's another silly scene I advise you to cut.
Like I said, there is so much unnecessary dialogue here it's painful. You keep hammering us with this rightful but redundant message of freedom of speech during a war- that it becomes old fast.
The scene of Adrianna with Cody and the Christian woman is a good example. Stop lecturing us about gays and get to the point. I myself agree with the actress that sexuality isn't a choice but decided early on- yet why do you rub it in our faces so much? So many long conversations are exactly what I'm talking about here- you don't need so much BORING DIALOGUE- just give us the damn idea and move on. (On another note, this scene is pointless in this story.)
Go examine Clooney's film "Good Night and Good Luck". The message there parallels what you have here- but the difference is that there's SUBTLETY in that script. Your script will drive everyone- including me- away because it's beating us over the head with its message.
And that was the 1950s, a time when America was so unified after WW2 that evil men like McCarthy was able to rant on about citizens he believed were Communist. In today's world, especially 2008, NOTHING IN THIS SCRIPT WOULD EVER HAPPEN. This makes me wonder when you wrote this script? Was it around 2004, when there was still much support for the Iraq war?
Now of course we all know the Iraq war was a mistake and many of America's stands on habeas corpus and privacy and freedoms were stripped apart and used accordingly by Bush and his cronies. But don't let me lecture, because I could go on and on here.
You need to make big decisions here. First of all, decide what world you're setting this in. The future could set a strong parable, for instance if government has become so power-hungry that events in this script could be plausible.
Also decide if you'll actually be satirizing the current state of affairs instead of just replacing the actual politicians with actors.
You need to find a way to deliver your message without beating us senseless? [Is my point sinking in, now? Good! This is how I felt when I read YOUR SCRIPT! Hehe....]
And for heaven's sake cut all that cliche and overwritten dialogue about freedom of speech and blah blah blah. Everyone agrees with you, man! Relax! Cheer up! America is not ALL LOST, yet! Us screenwriters can maybe save it from its sad state.
Then again, maybe not. read -
A review of Out of Contextby silverberetta17 on 03/24/2008I wanted to watch this short because the synopsis seemed eerily similar to a script I'm working on. Having said that, I think this is a neat little short. I liked all of the shots as it kept me intrigued as to what the mystery here was. The acting was all good, and this is a very well made piece from a technical standpoint. Now I think there might be one too many lines devoted... I wanted to watch this short because the synopsis seemed eerily similar to a script I'm working on.
Having said that, I think this is a neat little short. I liked all of the shots as it kept me intrigued as to what the mystery here was.
The acting was all good, and this is a very well made piece from a technical standpoint.
Now I think there might be one too many lines devoted to toying with us, especially concerning any "bomb" or whatever the woman thinks she's hearing. Looking back I don't understand why the second guy asks his partner to keep it down, so no one can hear. It's not like the girl they're throwing this for is around or anything.
And why did they leave the necklace on the table? That seemed a little random and forced- in other words he was just told him not to forget it so why would BOTH of them leave it there? Maybe I missed something!!
Overall, pretty good job. Nice story and nice execution. read -
A review of Circuit Worldby silverberetta17 on 03/20/2008And I say that kindly. This is a half-baked premise with a half-baked script. Despite some funny scenes, the story moves very awkwardly and the character motivation just isn't believable. First off I wouldn't advise you telling us to "Imagine Johan Hill, Cera and Piven" as part of the logline. One- it's sort of cheating, and two- well, I could never imagine Bradley and Jeff... And I say that kindly. This is a half-baked premise with a half-baked script. Despite some funny scenes, the story moves very awkwardly and the character motivation just isn't believable.
First off I wouldn't advise you telling us to "Imagine Johan Hill, Cera and Piven" as part of the logline. One- it's sort of cheating, and two- well, I could never imagine Bradley and Jeff as Jonah and Michael. (Even if it was the other way around it still doesn't seem right.)
The first two pages are pretty good. Then it kind of slides into childish humor I didn't find entertaining at all. The lines Jeff and Brad threw at each other during the costume/fight scene were very very cheap and weak. Bradley says "you can be the first FBI agent that chases bad guys with a plastic gun and a pair of women's sunglasses!" That doesn't really read funny at all- not to mention having some actor scream it. I hate to say it, but much of their bantering is of a middle-school level. If these are our supposed heroes, don't dumb them down so much. The one line I liked was "I told you to dress like an FBI agent, not Derek Zoolander auditioning for Men in Black." That is a great line- the others are passable at best.
Consider the awful Dane Cook film "Employee of the Month". One of the reasons I hated it was because our hero Dane was pretty much a rude jerk like his rival, played by Dax Shepard. Point is, we don't care for Dane if we understand him to be some loser who stoops down to the bad guy's level.
A few of your characters are introduced poorly to us. When I first saw Jeff I took him to be a rude slacker, somewhere along the lines of Bradley. But at the birthday party later we're told he's gay? I never got that- at all. Looking back I saw his lines discussing Ray and someone else and can possibly see how he's rambling on like a gossip-girl, but you never make that clear to us. You need to insert something, letting us know Jeff is gay. Maybe a hair style, clothing, even how he speaks and his lazy female tone of voice.
One last thing about Jeff and his sexuality. I'm somewhat bewildered by the scene after the party when Jeff and Brad run into the football punks. One of their gay friends is outed and subsequently teased/bullied much to the extent that this turns into a dark drama for a bit. I don't understand why this is in there- it certainly isn't funny and I'm not sure what you're trying to say about this issue. Respecting and being tolerant of gays is one thing, but making a social statement on the treatment of gays and gay-bashers is something totally different that doesn't belong here.
And this character-introduction thing happens before with the manager, James Yen. I assumed "Yen" might make him Asian but was never sure. Tell us he's Asian. And tell us Andy Perez is a Mexican. Again a name doesn't tell us anything, make sure we know he's Hispanic.
You have a standard formatting problem with describing how characters are saying things. On page 18 Andy says, "Yeah, a fashion consultant wouldn't hurt either." Nothing wrong with the line- in fact I liked it. But before the dialogue you write, "Under his breath...". You don't do that. You put the character's name, then in parenthesis below the name you can write "mutters". Something like:
Andy
(mutters)
Yeah, a fashion consultant wouldn't
hurt either.
Like I said this goes for many lines. While the character is talking have the action written in between the name and the dialogue.
I like it in the story when Jack and Andy show up and start spilling nasty lines to James. Many good lines I admit. But here's another big problem that arose in the script... I started wanting to see more of Jack/Andy than of Bradley/Jeff. To me Brad and Jeff were bums with no direction and purpose. There wasn't much energy to their actions. Again, make us WANT to root for these guys, don't just throw in some baddies and expect us to like these slackers. There's no fun in that.
One last thing about these bad guys- they laugh too much. Have them say their witty lines without always laughing at each other- that way it's much better because they know their lines are good and hence it speaks for itself.
For that matter I didn't buy any of Brad/Jeff's "Alien" discussions. That got very old and boring. Here's what I do whenever I write funny- I stand back and look at it from a third person POV. I ask myself, Can this really make people laugh? This ties in to character motivation which sets up the rest of the plot. Getting their jobs back to return this Lotus seems way to unconvincing or satisfying for us. There's no pressing need to go back. The whole deal with the Alien/Lotus hypnotizing concept or whatever is happening to Bradley doesn't work for me at all. Truth be told, I think it's the weakest element of the script. My advice is drop that altogether and incorporate a whole new reason to have them go and get back their jobs from those assholes.
I have a problem with the psychic, Raul. His presence doesn't move the story in any way other than have Jeff and Brad argue yet once again. To me it's an OK scene but it doesn't have much meaning. In other words, the story could probably go on without that scene. So what if Raul predicts the future events? Not justified in the end. I don't know- maybe it's my bias against psychics as I think they've been beaten to death and simply aren't funny anymore.
It's pretty interesting not to see a love interest in the script for Bradley (besides the marriage thing in the denouement). I don't have a problem with it, and am glad you opted out of the obvious path of having Brad and Jack compete for Katie.
I found the climax with the various customers watching Jack's recorded outburst pretty funny- in fact I think right now it's the best bit in here. Though I'm not sure Katie would react how she did as we just saw he sucking off Jack like a total slut... maybe have her do something far less dirty.
Like I said earlier, this premise is only half way there. There needs much more added to these heroes to make them likable. And the plot needs to gain some focus and plausibility. Again, the whole Alien thing just doesn't fit in here. And if you really want this to be a selling vehicle for the "Superbad" duo, you'll really need to sharpen Bradley and Jeff to the point that they're losers with a charming side. Otherwise we don't care for them much.
There's a lot of potential here, though you need a whole lot of work at this point if you ever want Judd Apatow producing this picture.
Best of luck,
Nick O. read -
A review of Answer My Questioningby silverberetta17 on 03/18/2008This is a wonderful read. I loved all of the characters, and nearly all of the dialogue. I must say this is one of those rare scripts on TriggerStreet where I actually wanted to keep reading because it moved so fast. In other words, Kevin Smith would be proud. This screenplay resembles so much of "Chasing Amy", yet you've managed to create very interesting and developed characters... This is a wonderful read. I loved all of the characters, and nearly all of the dialogue. I must say this is one of those rare scripts on TriggerStreet where I actually wanted to keep reading because it moved so fast.
In other words, Kevin Smith would be proud. This screenplay resembles so much of "Chasing Amy", yet you've managed to create very interesting and developed characters in this small town.
Hands down, character and dialogue is the best thing you have going here. Like I said, these characters/supporting characters are very fresh even if we've seen them before. Darryl and his obsession with gaming is pretty amusing, and I like how you structure the whole Game Bully and Darryl's Juice Box so when he arrives at the gas station later on, the scene doesn't feel contrived but rather hilarious. Same thing goes with the police station and his game-advice. Loved that moment!
I laughed so many times reading this. Everything from Mrs. Harlan and her advances on Ben in the gym, to Andy Fundy and his fashion choices, to many one-liners I thought were perfect. ex at Daisy's house when Steve refers to Ben and says, "And he has to cry". That's pretty damn good stuff.
Having said that, I need to point out that the story often stagnates. It seems much of the first half was dedicated to everyone finding out that Jessie was really a dude. Though you manage different funny situations in every instance, it still feels like nothing's really moving forward. I also feel like one two times there are missed opportunities for big laughs. Like when Ben's telling Mark at work about Jessie, and later Mark sees her at the counter, Ben just says something like "That's her." Wouldn't it be funnier if Mark tried to hit on her and then Ben whispered in his ear the truth or maybe winked a hint about her?
I like the stereotypical religious nut-job Gary and his wacky family. Everything from his denial about his son to his over-the-topness about God and the Bible and killing "non-believers" comes across as darkly-humorous and ties in nicely with Jessie's situation. And the last scene with Gary's new neighbors is hysterical!
Now Jessie seems more of an object than character. She just shows up and tells everyone she's a man, and even though she quotes Lebowski and works at a daycare, I still never really think we completely understand her as a person. Unlike the other characters, you never devote a scene or two to herself. Sure she cries from time to time, but we should probably see her up-front if we ever want to root for her and her sexual identity problem. Her family not accepting her is too easy for us to like her. We never see her having feelings for Ben on her own. Maybe make her extra-quirky and up-beat how she was when she first came to Ben's door. Because after that it seemed she just became a reason for characters to show up and express their feelings about her.
One last thought about Jessie, I'm confused a tad... she's born a guy, right- but she's supposed to be a girl? So why hasn't she had an actual sex operation to remove that inconvenient organ down there? That's never brought up, which raises a few flags:
Ben is not gay and learns to love Jessie for who she is, I get. But shouldn't he still be freaked out by that penis? Any guy would- I would! (And I'm an liberal.)
I mean how did they have sex? Maybe the idea is we shouldn't really find out what Jessie has. She obviously has a penis, so wouldn't that turn away Ben at this point? It would occur to me that "it" be removed surgically before they can proceed on to the next step. Maybe I'm just reading too far into this, but it'd seem more realistic to me that way.
Overall, you did a pretty damn good job. The real strengths here are character and dialogue- you sure know how to create good lines. I'm worried though about how to market this.
This is a comedy, maybe bordering dark comedy at times (especially during big fight with Harry/ Steve at the end). But the story is too small with nothing "big" happening. As in, what does the trailer for this look like? Where are those big scenes studios are drawn to so they can sell it easily?
Consider a movie like "There's Something About Mary" with a smaller picture like "Chasing Amy". We all know how "Mary" was a box office whammy while the Kevin Smith picture made only 15 million, below the average indie-film hit.
Maybe you want this to be a small film and not a huge success. But Hollywood is a cruel world, and despite the greatness of this idea and characters, I can see them rejecting it because it's not all that big.
I hope I'm wrong, because I loved this script a lot.
Good luck,
Nick O. read -
A review of Dog In Waterby silverberetta17 on 03/15/2008Without a doubt the biggest thing holding this script back is the formatting errors and word choices including names of characters, places, and even small things such as food. But you have a pretty good, interesting story. It's rings like a political drama/thriller with very engaging and relevant issues. What happens to Min is scary and I'm sure very real in third world... Without a doubt the biggest thing holding this script back is the formatting errors and word choices including names of characters, places, and even small things such as food.
But you have a pretty good, interesting story. It's rings like a political drama/thriller with very engaging and relevant issues.
What happens to Min is scary and I'm sure very real in third world regions such as China. You balance good intrigue with just enough subtle thrills to keep us wanting more. Everything from the poor working and living conditions to the management of the workers to the corruption of the police officers sounds and feels real. What stuck out here was a realistic human story combined with suspenseful elements. I even like the ending, which makes it all the more real.
Yet at times it's often confusing with characters and places. First off, we need more descriptions with the people. What do his coworkers look like? Have one or two making fun at him stand out.
The names of the people killed me. One is called Lao Chen and another man Chen, Officers Yao and Yang could use different names as well, and distinguishing features. Point is, you don't want to confuse people who read a spec script.
The locales are equally confusing too. Don't write EXT. JIANGWAN-AFTERNOON, but rather EXT. CONSTRUCTION AREA- AFTERNOON. Me being an American has no idea what that means- neither will producers.
Remember: just because you can visualize something doesn't mean others can do it as easily, too.
Same thing with food and money. What the hell is RMB? Say "money" or "bills". RMB could be sticks or rocks for all we know. Same thing goes for "bai jiu". Is that juice, soda, liquor? NO CHINESE TERMS in the action. Everything must be written for Americans to understand.
You write too much detail about Min's actions that can't be expressed on screen. "He now knows there is a search for him and must avoid being spotted by anyone who might expose him to the police." Write "Min ducks in an alley as several police walk past the corner." Remember, RARELY USE INTERNAL THOUGHTS. If you must, keep them brief and easy to realize. For instance when Min is first taken by the cops... you can write, "Min starts to look around, growing anxious. Something's going on here..." Make any thoughts subtle so the audience could figure it out by the shots.
Which leads me here. NEVER write camera shots on a spec. You can't put Tracking Shot in the first few pages- though you could imply that we'd see all the workers by moving by them slowly. Don't state shots clearly, make them hinted at.
And you should probably remove all of your "CUT TO:" between scenes. They're never really used anymore in scripts, and just add to the length of your script unnecessarily.
As mentioned before, I like most of the plot points and characters. The Old Man comes across very real and experienced in this world Min might soon inhabit. I like him though maybe we should see more of him helping Min in the climax when he goes to kill Zhang.
On page 88, after Min tells him the truth, the Old Man should probably nod and not look stunned. Nodding means he understood all along, and is perhaps reflecting on his own past and what he did. Their relationship is genuine like I said, and I'd like to see more of him towards the end.
And put your PERIODS on the end of your sentences, for Darwin's sake. So many sentences with no " . " That will really turn away producers thinking you can't write well. You don't need to underline scene headings, either.
I highly advise you get an actual Screenwriting software like Final Draft or Movie Magic, and not write with Word. Your formatting is wrong often times with spacing, and that can be distracting. Type this up again on a proper formatting program. It will look so much cleaner and professional.
This script has much potential because it explores the reality of many third world lives that are essentially slaves for corrupt businesses.
I'm not sure how an all-Chinese movie can be marketed for Hollywood. Even political thrillers like Hotel Rwanda or The Constant Gardener have Westerners as either the lead or supporting characters. Here there are no Westerners if I'm not mistaken.
But who knows- maybe if somebody sees this they'll ask you to include some American who's involved here, too. Maybe you could show another side of this reality and who else is affected and involved.
Keep working on it, and don't give up.
Good luck,
Nick O. read -
A review of SHELTERby silverberetta17 on 03/11/2008Haha, but all jokes aside, I think this is a pretty interesting piece though it leaves too many questions for us that we end up frustrated. Why not explain or show us what the hell is going on out there? Why all these SFX and no substance behind them? What exactly happened to their son? And what will happen to his wife? And a little too much talk at the dinner table. Have them... Haha, but all jokes aside, I think this is a pretty interesting piece though it leaves too many questions for us that we end up frustrated.
Why not explain or show us what the hell is going on out there? Why all these SFX and no substance behind them? What exactly happened to their son? And what will happen to his wife?
And a little too much talk at the dinner table. Have them in the kitchen maybe- screaming and more physical movement to keep the energy up there. Her pretty face and his strong accent just won't supply for a good scene. We need something else going on- to show maybe she's going crazy and can't take it. Maybe HE'S the one sitting down, trying to act calm and make sense of the situation by talking her out of this....
And come on, don't leave us hanging! This must be the highest cliff I've seen in a while- because we got to know if they're going to fall or not! We don't want to interpret anything, we want to be entertained!!
Good job.
Nick O. read -
A review of Here's To Revengeby silverberetta17 on 03/11/2008No, seriously I did. I usually put a quirky headline whenever I review a script, but this screenplay deserves my initial thoughts. This is a great read. So much of the dialogue and the characters ring fresh and hilarious. Rick and Victor's lines are very funny, as are the rest of the incidents. Once I started reading this, I couldn't stop. I'm serious- it's true. I liked the... No, seriously I did. I usually put a quirky headline whenever I review a script, but this screenplay deserves my initial thoughts.
This is a great read. So much of the dialogue and the characters ring fresh and hilarious. Rick and Victor's lines are very funny, as are the rest of the incidents.
Once I started reading this, I couldn't stop. I'm serious- it's true.
I liked the unfolding mystery very much, with all these twists and turns that you're constantly addicted to the script.
This is obviously a Dark Comedy/Thriller, because of all the good lines and then all the blood you throw on us. Loved the final twist, too!
So was Victor the only one who he said he was? I had to go back and check to make sure Yuki's plan worked accordingly.
I'm also confused by the beginning. Who was the Portly Man? Did I miss something? What did he provide to the story?
Some of your formatting is wrong. You need to put either "DAY" or "NIGHT" after
"INT. KITCHEN-______".
Spellcheck this again, too. Many "your" when it should be "you're".
But I'd really love to watch this on the big screen. You have a neat structure and juggle thrills with laughs- that's pretty professional in my opinion.
And one last thing, shouldn't Yuki let the Female Assassin live and have what she actually did haunt her for the rest of her life, instead of her realizing it and just dying? So much for his revenge if it's all over with a bullet!
Best of luck!
Nick O. read -
A review of The Final Showdownby silverberetta17 on 03/10/2008You got a kick ass visual style with the action scenes. I really enjoyed the last six minutes of the film. I'm confused by the opening montage(s), and I don't see our hero (Black cop) in any of the first scenes, unless I missed him. We need to see more of him so we understand this is about him and his personal vendetta right now. His partner getting killed only adds fuel... You got a kick ass visual style with the action scenes. I really enjoyed the last six minutes of the film.
I'm confused by the opening montage(s), and I don't see our hero (Black cop) in any of the first scenes, unless I missed him.
We need to see more of him so we understand this is about him and his personal vendetta right now. His partner getting killed only adds fuel to the fire, and we need to probably see how he knows where to follow the Killer into the mountain area.
I'm also a little fuzzy on the whole quick scenes of our hero turning in his badge to his officer, and then throwing it back at the Killer towards the end. Don't get those few parts.
Otherwise, great job! read -
A review of The Relookingby silverberetta17 on 03/09/2008This is essentially a PSA (public service announcement) aimed at teachers, parents, and students. If there was a story, it'd be whether or not this man decides to knife himself open. Did I like it? Yeah, it was pretty effective in its message. The man's thoughts are given to us in third-person, perhaps meaning that Death is studying his actions. The man contemplates his future... This is essentially a PSA (public service announcement) aimed at teachers, parents, and students. If there was a story, it'd be whether or not this man decides to knife himself open. Did I like it? Yeah, it was pretty effective in its message.
The man's thoughts are given to us in third-person, perhaps meaning that Death is studying his actions. The man contemplates his future and we're emotionally gripped even though we don't know him at all.
So the text was very necessary and helpful.
Still- I'm not so sure what you think this film can do for you as a director, unless you want to make docs or more PSAs. Hollywood wants to see you tell a story, and not simply re-telling a story that's affected thousands of UK adults.
Sad yes, but remember- Hollywood is about making money!!
Still, very good job. read
Comments About silverberetta17 57
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themanager on 12/01/2010
You're definitely on the right track with the internship. That's a fabulous way to learn about the business. If it's non-paid, try and turn it into a paying job, and network, network, network.
If you're outside Los Angeles, try and use this as a stepping stone to get here if you can. Always keep moving up if the opportunity presents itself. Don't listen to anyone who tells you it doesn't matter where you live, a foolish opinion that would only find purchase on the internet. For a beginning screenwriter, it matters a lot, and you'll learn that once you arrive inside the studio zone. If it's impossible, then mitigate that unfortunate circumstance however you can.
Write every day and turn off the internet when you're writing, lol. It will make a huge difference.
Good luck! -
DEVELOPEXEC on 05/25/2010
FLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEXin the calves...lol -
**DELETED ACCOUNT** on 05/06/2010
Yo Nick - it was my pleasure, buddy. Meeting you was less so, but what's a guy to do? ;-)
Hope you can make it down for Oktoberfest.
Cheers,
Mark -
Michelle77 on 04/16/2010
I guess I just decided it wasn't for me. I still LOVE acting as an art though! -
Michelle77 on 04/15/2010
silverberetta17 wrote:Hey this is strange but are you a patient of Dr. Brattesani ?? You look a lot like the chick on his site!!
http://www.drbrattesani.com/home.asp
**reload the page until the brunette pops up**
That's funny! I look like a freakin' tranny in that photo. I'm definitely not a patient of his, but yes that is me. It's back from my old modeling/acting days. God knows where the hell they drug up that photo. -
kepow on 03/04/2010
silverberetta17 wrote:Oh man , I really want to. If I could land a steady job down there and make the plunge, I'd do it in a heartbeat !!
Any construction openings?? Hehe.
We'll see what happens.... !
No, I'm afraid work is piecemeal right now.
You don't have to move down here to come to the gtg for the weekend, dude! -
BarksUk on 03/04/2010
HaHaHa very good! We'll hook up and your be mightyly unimpressed that I look less like my avatar!! :) -
kepow on 03/02/2010
Yo, Nick.
You gonna make it to this thing, or what?
http://bulletin.triggerstreet.com/viewtopic.php?t=50992&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=0
You're so close now, you'd better be there! -
kepow on 01/30/2010
Thanks, dude. Chuckie Cheese's was great! And after that, we hit up the McDonald's play room. You shoulda been there. -
King Fisher on 01/17/2010
Hey, I have weird thumbs too! They point in the wrong direction...makes hitch-hicking a challenge.
Seek comfort in Tom Robbins' Even Cowgirls Get The Blues. A book about a girl with enormous thumbs.
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Comments About silverberetta17 57
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Quote
You're definitely on the right track with the internship. That's a fabulous way to learn about the business. If it's non-paid, try and turn it into a paying job, and network, network, network.
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Quote
FLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEXin the calves...lol
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Quote
Yo Nick - it was my pleasure, buddy. Meeting you was less so, but what's a guy to do? ;-)
+ more commentsthemanager on 12/01/2010
If you're outside Los Angeles, try and use this as a stepping stone to get here if you can. Always keep moving up if the opportunity presents itself. Don't listen to anyone who tells you it doesn't matter where you live, a foolish opinion that would only find purchase on the internet. For a beginning screenwriter, it matters a lot, and you'll learn that once you arrive inside the studio zone. If it's impossible, then mitigate that unfortunate circumstance however you can.
Write every day and turn off the internet when you're writing, lol. It will make a huge difference.
Good luck!
DEVELOPEXEC on 05/25/2010
**DELETED ACCOUNT** on 05/06/2010
Hope you can make it down for Oktoberfest.
Cheers,
Mark