a screenplay
by snony
A hurtful Advice Columnist struggles to rid himself of an Angels' curse that makes names hurt
snony
member since 11/10/2010 |
last login 12/07/2012
My name is Tony Snow and writing helps keep me sane. Like many here, I joined Trigger Street to improve my craft, to experiment with ideas and meet like-minded folk....
Bio
My name is Tony Snow and writing helps keep me sane. Like many here, I joined Trigger Street to improve my craft, to experiment with ideas and meet like-minded folk.
Submissions by snony
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a screenplay by snonyGenres: animated, children/family
In the land of the spiders, a teenager sets out to rescue his father and ends up leading a revolution
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a screenplay by snonyGenres: dramaA young British soldier trains to be a dog handler, then deploys to Afghanistan with his dog.
Reviews by snony 104
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A review of DITCHby snony on 06/26/2012Damn, you're good. Taking the concept from "Hitch" and turning it on it's head is both clever and novel. And pretty well executed in this draft. Definitely see A-listers in the leads. This didn't feel like a chick flick, more a movie that both men and women would enjoy. A date movie. Dialogue was first class. No real criticism, except for the small point in the notes below... Damn, you're good. Taking the concept from "Hitch" and turning it on it's head is both clever and novel. And pretty well executed in this draft. Definitely see A-listers in the leads. This didn't feel like a chick flick, more a movie that both men and women would enjoy. A date movie.
Dialogue was first class. No real criticism, except for the small point in the notes below.
Characters and story, too, were great, but the first act seemed to be about Ditch, then after that the story felt more about Cordelia and less about Ditch. I'm not sure if that's your intention, given the title. I didn't feel as if Ditch was driving the plot or facing any real (external) challenges to his world view until the Adam/Sandra challenge with Cordelia. That said, it was still good, it all depends what your intentions are.
At 120 pages, it might be a tad too long. I would try and trim it to 110 pages or less. There's a couple of suggestions in the notes below on what I think you could trim and yet not lose anything.
That's about it, apart from my notes: they were written at the time I read the page and not corrected if later parts of the script cleared things up/resolved things.
If you have any questions about things that I haven't mentioned in this review, just let me know and I'll do my best to answer them.
NOTES:
P.6 Nice little complication. So far: slick.
P.7 Seeing as she’s introduced as Young Becky, I guess Becky will figure somewhere later.
P.8 woosed out? I think it’s “wussed”
They’re great, but I’m not sure these flashbacks need to be so long. I would get in and out early on these ones and make them, literally, lightning quick flashes:
DITCH: “It’s just... Ramon thinks...” SLAP “I’m just the messenger” SLAP.
P.11 "If it’s not all good, don’t tell me?" Why the question mark.
P.12 I’ve been told that huge slabs of dialogue can put people off. If a character has a lot to say at once, I try and break it up into shorter chunks interspersed with brief action. Little things like: “He rubs his nose/scratches his ear” etc.
You have a nice set up from Alex re: chipotle.
“A few weeks ago I ordered Mexican take out with extra chipotle, 'cuz I like the hot stuff -- even though I know she likes it mild. I didn't know it'd make her tongue swell up like a giant chimichanga.”
I would suggest Ditch uses it.
“DITCH: You know, the kinda girl who will order mild Mexican chow cuz she knows I like it, even though she prefers the hot stuff.
Liza shifts uncomfortably in her seat. Fidgets with her wine glass. Throws Alex an angry look.“
P.14 Way too much. I’m sure Ditch could explain his philosophy much more succinctly. Or possibly with some visuals, like in a fantasy/dream sequence. Maybe with jigsaw pieces that eventually fit together into a picture of Ditch and his “Ideal” life. This could be a recurring image throughout – the face of the woman in Ditch’s jigsaw changes with every woman he dates.
P.16 Delia Smith? Ha ha. Not sure the Yanks will get that one. Don’t tell me she cooks!
P.37 Ditch... again. How unlucky is she? Funny.
As a bloke, alarm bells ring when I see a woman with rings on every finger on her left hand EXCEPT that one. It draws attention to the ring-free finger and seems to advertise that the woman is single (or at least not married). Comes across as a bit desperate - like bunny boiler psycho crazy! If you can use that snippet, feel free.
P.41 tick-chick. LOL.
P.56 Why do men cheat? Reminds me of an old joke: Why do dogs lick ther bollocks? Because they can.
P.57+ I’m thinking this CGI stuff will be expensive to film. The video game stuff feels like a nice metaphor for the battle of the sexes.
P.66 Pretty sue s/b sure
P.69 I think there are too many of these break-ups. Just a couple of minor ones will do, then the biggie with Adam/Sandra.
As an aside, it might be an idea if Ditch is an equal opportunities kind of guy: he’ll help women ditch their men if the price is right.
P.80 Looks like an extra space after Luci’s dialogue.
P.92 Recently read a book by Tilman, a man who took up sailing late in life after he couldn’t climb mountains any more. Had lots of “Adventures in sail” in a boat called Mischief. Sadly lost at sea in his 80s.
Knew Becky would be back!*
P.95 Nice call back with the casserole.
P.97 You don’t need Wedding Reception in the slug.
P.120 Nice.
* I didn't think the payback with Becky (or Monica earlier) was strong enough. I'm guessing the flashbacks were to show that Ditch has been good at what he does since a teenager. You could just as easily show similar flashbacks with adult Ditch and not lose anything. Maybe. read -
A review of DIABOLUSby snony on 06/20/2012I had a gut feeling this was gonna be good as soon as I got it assigned and I wasn't disappointed. This was really really good. Excellent in fact. Since joining Trigger Street, I've only given one screenplay five stars overall, though there are two or three I probably should have given five stars to but didn't. I have very little for you in the way of useful feedback. Everything... I had a gut feeling this was gonna be good as soon as I got it assigned and I wasn't disappointed. This was really really good. Excellent in fact. Since joining Trigger Street, I've only given one screenplay five stars overall, though there are two or three I probably should have given five stars to but didn't.
I have very little for you in the way of useful feedback. Everything was pretty rock solid. Concept, good. Dialogue, tight. Story, good. Structure, spot on. Starts slowly and builds to a fast-paced, satisfying climax.
I'm scratching my brains trying to think of things that you could do to improve this. Um...
A couple of formatting issues:
1. On spec scripts you don't need to put in all the shots, like CLOSE ON, PAN TO, etc. On one of the episodes of "First 15", Carter and Phil mentioned that what you describe in the action often dictates the shot without you having to specify it.
2. There were a couple of "we see" moments [On page 12] which are, again, unnecessary and to be avoided.
3. I've been told that using (beat) is outdated. Just use an ellipsis or a small bit of action.
4. Using (cont'd) is also outdated and not necessary, EXCEPT when dialogue spills over from one page to the next. Most of your (cont'd) have (cont'd)(CONT'D), so I suspect you might have a minor software glitch.
5. Another, methinks, software issue with some of the dialogue cues: when you have two characters speaking at once, there's no line space between that and the preceding character cue/action. Example on page 7.
TYPOS:
P.55 "below the its chin..." - doesn't make sense with "the" and "its" should be "it's".
P.57 "Carmen trudges..." - You need a new slug here.
P.103 "that the drawing means..." s/b "what..."
NOTES:
P.27 With a name like Bowie, the dude needs a knife.
P.46 Not sure if Dr Martin is another foot joke or just a coincidence. If it's a joke, it should be Dr Marten.
P.70 Where's Calvin?
P.78 Calvin's back!!!
P.83 Bowie dies. This might be a cliche, but a brief scene of Bowie and Ronnie, side by side, shooting at the beast, might work.
We never did find out what happened to Rosa? read -
A review of Buster (revised)by snony on 06/18/2012I read and reviewed a previous draft of this. Liked the last draft and liked this as well. Searching my memory for the differences between this and the last one. I think the opening is different - I seem to recall a few pages with Buster's parents before Buster was even born. I didn't mind them before but I really didn't miss them here. It's amazing what you can cut from... I read and reviewed a previous draft of this. Liked the last draft and liked this as well. Searching my memory for the differences between this and the last one.
I think the opening is different - I seem to recall a few pages with Buster's parents before Buster was even born. I didn't mind them before but I really didn't miss them here. It's amazing what you can cut from a script and yet not lose anything.
I also think the ending was different. I think. I think the last one ended in the hospital with Buster surrounded by all the other Busters. Or maybe my memory is playing tricks. Have to say I preferred the ending with Buster surrounded by all the Busters of old, but it's no biggie.
I have only one major suggestion for this screenplay, and I'm not even sure it would work, but I'll make it anyway. Eleanor is introduced on P.100. It felt to me like she was someone who really did love Buster and he loved her. I don't know the real history, but she seemed to be a major influence in his later life, giving him just what he needed. My suggestion would be to introduce her earlier, perhaps on the set during the earlier 1961 sequences. I think what I'm getting at is I wanted to see more of the two of them together and more of their relationship. As it is, she appears on P.100 and then the story's over. All too brief.
That's it. I'll finish by wishing you the best with this and some notes. And an apology if this review is too short - I approach reviews with the mindset "What can make this better?" - if I can't think of anything, I struggle.
NOTES:
P.10/11 You could probably cut this last part of this scene.
"Daisy... slips out of her dress" Then cut to the next scene.
P.15 "outta be a good..." Isn't outta short for "out of" rather than "ought to". It might be oughta
P.18 Stray space between dialogue.
P.24 Personal preference here. I prefer to see the slug at the top of a new page rather than a slug at the bottom of the page, then the actual action and scene starts on the next page. There are quite a few of these strays in this screenplay.
P.64 "canon" check the spelling. Unless it's one of those differences between UK and US spellings, I think it should be "cannon".
P.98 straight-jacket s/b strait-jacket. read
Write a Comment
Submissions by snony
-
a screenplay by snony
A hurtful Advice Columnist struggles to rid himself of an Angels' curse that makes names hurt
-
a screenplay by snonyGenres: animated, children/family
In the land of the spiders, a teenager sets out to rescue his father and ends up leading a revolution
-
a screenplay by snonyGenres: drama
A young British soldier trains to be a dog handler, then deploys to Afghanistan with his dog.
Reviews by snony 104
-
A review of DITCHby snony on 06/26/2012Damn, you're good. Taking the concept from "Hitch" and turning it on it's head is both clever and novel. And pretty well executed in this draft. Definitely see A-listers in the leads. This didn't feel like a chick flick, more a movie that both men and women would enjoy. A date movie. Dialogue was first class. No real criticism, except for the small point in the notes below... Damn, you're good. Taking the concept from "Hitch" and turning it on it's head is both clever and novel. And pretty well executed in this draft. Definitely see A-listers in the leads. This didn't feel like a chick flick, more a movie that both men and women would enjoy. A date movie.
Dialogue was first class. No real criticism, except for the small point in the notes below.
Characters and story, too, were great, but the first act seemed to be about Ditch, then after that the story felt more about Cordelia and less about Ditch. I'm not sure if that's your intention, given the title. I didn't feel as if Ditch was driving the plot or facing any real (external) challenges to his world view until the Adam/Sandra challenge with Cordelia. That said, it was still good, it all depends what your intentions are.
At 120 pages, it might be a tad too long. I would try and trim it to 110 pages or less. There's a couple of suggestions in the notes below on what I think you could trim and yet not lose anything.
That's about it, apart from my notes: they were written at the time I read the page and not corrected if later parts of the script cleared things up/resolved things.
If you have any questions about things that I haven't mentioned in this review, just let me know and I'll do my best to answer them.
NOTES:
P.6 Nice little complication. So far: slick.
P.7 Seeing as she’s introduced as Young Becky, I guess Becky will figure somewhere later.
P.8 woosed out? I think it’s “wussed”
They’re great, but I’m not sure these flashbacks need to be so long. I would get in and out early on these ones and make them, literally, lightning quick flashes:
DITCH: “It’s just... Ramon thinks...” SLAP “I’m just the messenger” SLAP.
P.11 "If it’s not all good, don’t tell me?" Why the question mark.
P.12 I’ve been told that huge slabs of dialogue can put people off. If a character has a lot to say at once, I try and break it up into shorter chunks interspersed with brief action. Little things like: “He rubs his nose/scratches his ear” etc.
You have a nice set up from Alex re: chipotle.
“A few weeks ago I ordered Mexican take out with extra chipotle, 'cuz I like the hot stuff -- even though I know she likes it mild. I didn't know it'd make her tongue swell up like a giant chimichanga.”
I would suggest Ditch uses it.
“DITCH: You know, the kinda girl who will order mild Mexican chow cuz she knows I like it, even though she prefers the hot stuff.
Liza shifts uncomfortably in her seat. Fidgets with her wine glass. Throws Alex an angry look.“
P.14 Way too much. I’m sure Ditch could explain his philosophy much more succinctly. Or possibly with some visuals, like in a fantasy/dream sequence. Maybe with jigsaw pieces that eventually fit together into a picture of Ditch and his “Ideal” life. This could be a recurring image throughout – the face of the woman in Ditch’s jigsaw changes with every woman he dates.
P.16 Delia Smith? Ha ha. Not sure the Yanks will get that one. Don’t tell me she cooks!
P.37 Ditch... again. How unlucky is she? Funny.
As a bloke, alarm bells ring when I see a woman with rings on every finger on her left hand EXCEPT that one. It draws attention to the ring-free finger and seems to advertise that the woman is single (or at least not married). Comes across as a bit desperate - like bunny boiler psycho crazy! If you can use that snippet, feel free.
P.41 tick-chick. LOL.
P.56 Why do men cheat? Reminds me of an old joke: Why do dogs lick ther bollocks? Because they can.
P.57+ I’m thinking this CGI stuff will be expensive to film. The video game stuff feels like a nice metaphor for the battle of the sexes.
P.66 Pretty sue s/b sure
P.69 I think there are too many of these break-ups. Just a couple of minor ones will do, then the biggie with Adam/Sandra.
As an aside, it might be an idea if Ditch is an equal opportunities kind of guy: he’ll help women ditch their men if the price is right.
P.80 Looks like an extra space after Luci’s dialogue.
P.92 Recently read a book by Tilman, a man who took up sailing late in life after he couldn’t climb mountains any more. Had lots of “Adventures in sail” in a boat called Mischief. Sadly lost at sea in his 80s.
Knew Becky would be back!*
P.95 Nice call back with the casserole.
P.97 You don’t need Wedding Reception in the slug.
P.120 Nice.
* I didn't think the payback with Becky (or Monica earlier) was strong enough. I'm guessing the flashbacks were to show that Ditch has been good at what he does since a teenager. You could just as easily show similar flashbacks with adult Ditch and not lose anything. Maybe. read -
A review of DIABOLUSby snony on 06/20/2012I had a gut feeling this was gonna be good as soon as I got it assigned and I wasn't disappointed. This was really really good. Excellent in fact. Since joining Trigger Street, I've only given one screenplay five stars overall, though there are two or three I probably should have given five stars to but didn't. I have very little for you in the way of useful feedback. Everything... I had a gut feeling this was gonna be good as soon as I got it assigned and I wasn't disappointed. This was really really good. Excellent in fact. Since joining Trigger Street, I've only given one screenplay five stars overall, though there are two or three I probably should have given five stars to but didn't.
I have very little for you in the way of useful feedback. Everything was pretty rock solid. Concept, good. Dialogue, tight. Story, good. Structure, spot on. Starts slowly and builds to a fast-paced, satisfying climax.
I'm scratching my brains trying to think of things that you could do to improve this. Um...
A couple of formatting issues:
1. On spec scripts you don't need to put in all the shots, like CLOSE ON, PAN TO, etc. On one of the episodes of "First 15", Carter and Phil mentioned that what you describe in the action often dictates the shot without you having to specify it.
2. There were a couple of "we see" moments [On page 12] which are, again, unnecessary and to be avoided.
3. I've been told that using (beat) is outdated. Just use an ellipsis or a small bit of action.
4. Using (cont'd) is also outdated and not necessary, EXCEPT when dialogue spills over from one page to the next. Most of your (cont'd) have (cont'd)(CONT'D), so I suspect you might have a minor software glitch.
5. Another, methinks, software issue with some of the dialogue cues: when you have two characters speaking at once, there's no line space between that and the preceding character cue/action. Example on page 7.
TYPOS:
P.55 "below the its chin..." - doesn't make sense with "the" and "its" should be "it's".
P.57 "Carmen trudges..." - You need a new slug here.
P.103 "that the drawing means..." s/b "what..."
NOTES:
P.27 With a name like Bowie, the dude needs a knife.
P.46 Not sure if Dr Martin is another foot joke or just a coincidence. If it's a joke, it should be Dr Marten.
P.70 Where's Calvin?
P.78 Calvin's back!!!
P.83 Bowie dies. This might be a cliche, but a brief scene of Bowie and Ronnie, side by side, shooting at the beast, might work.
We never did find out what happened to Rosa? read -
A review of Buster (revised)by snony on 06/18/2012I read and reviewed a previous draft of this. Liked the last draft and liked this as well. Searching my memory for the differences between this and the last one. I think the opening is different - I seem to recall a few pages with Buster's parents before Buster was even born. I didn't mind them before but I really didn't miss them here. It's amazing what you can cut from... I read and reviewed a previous draft of this. Liked the last draft and liked this as well. Searching my memory for the differences between this and the last one.
I think the opening is different - I seem to recall a few pages with Buster's parents before Buster was even born. I didn't mind them before but I really didn't miss them here. It's amazing what you can cut from a script and yet not lose anything.
I also think the ending was different. I think. I think the last one ended in the hospital with Buster surrounded by all the other Busters. Or maybe my memory is playing tricks. Have to say I preferred the ending with Buster surrounded by all the Busters of old, but it's no biggie.
I have only one major suggestion for this screenplay, and I'm not even sure it would work, but I'll make it anyway. Eleanor is introduced on P.100. It felt to me like she was someone who really did love Buster and he loved her. I don't know the real history, but she seemed to be a major influence in his later life, giving him just what he needed. My suggestion would be to introduce her earlier, perhaps on the set during the earlier 1961 sequences. I think what I'm getting at is I wanted to see more of the two of them together and more of their relationship. As it is, she appears on P.100 and then the story's over. All too brief.
That's it. I'll finish by wishing you the best with this and some notes. And an apology if this review is too short - I approach reviews with the mindset "What can make this better?" - if I can't think of anything, I struggle.
NOTES:
P.10/11 You could probably cut this last part of this scene.
"Daisy... slips out of her dress" Then cut to the next scene.
P.15 "outta be a good..." Isn't outta short for "out of" rather than "ought to". It might be oughta
P.18 Stray space between dialogue.
P.24 Personal preference here. I prefer to see the slug at the top of a new page rather than a slug at the bottom of the page, then the actual action and scene starts on the next page. There are quite a few of these strays in this screenplay.
P.64 "canon" check the spelling. Unless it's one of those differences between UK and US spellings, I think it should be "cannon".
P.98 straight-jacket s/b strait-jacket. read -
A review of Party Of Oneby snony on 06/03/2012Quick and easy read. It's nice to read scripts that are nicely formatted. A couple of typos, but not too many to make a fuss about. To business: CONCEPT: Guy does a great job, looks forward to a pat on the back and a party, but gets fired, now all he wants to do is sleep, but gets roped in to the party. I'll give this a GOOD/Four Stars, bearing in mind that a good concept... Quick and easy read. It's nice to read scripts that are nicely formatted. A couple of typos, but not too many to make a fuss about.
To business:
CONCEPT: Guy does a great job, looks forward to a pat on the back and a party, but gets fired, now all he wants to do is sleep, but gets roped in to the party. I'll give this a GOOD/Four Stars, bearing in mind that a good concept is the starting point. Good execution is something else.
CHARACTERS: We're told that screenwriting is all about characters and how they change, but I didn't really get any change - whether inward or outward - for any of the characters. At the end, they were just the same as they were at the beginning. For minor characters and the antag, that's okay, but I feel the protag needs a transformational arc, so that he starts off with one world view, and by the end he has a different outlook on life. So, for example, he starts off just wanting a nap (or to retreat into his shell/ curl up and die) but by the end he wants to party: after all, with Melissa he now has something to party about.
Not sure about the use of celebrities in the script. As characters, they all felt a bit one dimensional.
Average/3 stars.
DIALOGUE: Not bad at all. Each of the main characters felt quite distinct and had a unique voice. It wasn't average but didn't quite make good either. Betwixt and between, like 3.5 stars.
STORY/STRUCTURE: I've grouped these two together because I think the story weaknesses are related to structural weaknesses. Namely, structure felt a bit vague. If there was an Inciting Incident, I guess it was when Jordan checked into the hotel, but I'm not sure. Act break into Act II, don't know. Midpoint was definitely when Dean got busted, but break into Act III was another beat I wasn't sure of.
The first half of the story was all about organizing the party - Dean cruising the streets for pussy and Jordan taking care of things at the hotel. It just seemed a bit samey - scene after scene of the same thing until the midpoint. Shakespeare has a line that "The lady doth protest too much". If Jordan really doesn't want to be there, I didn't think he protested enough.
After the midpoint, things really picked up. The story got better and I laughed more. The courtroom scene with the Judge was very funny.
I'll give the story three stars and structure two (sorry dude).
How to remedy? I'll make some suggestions that may or may not be useful. Pick what's useful for future drafts and trash the rest (or all of it if it's completely shit! - this is off the top of my head, so it could just that - complete shit):
P.1 - 12: Show Jordan at work. Smooth-talking clients on the phone, making sales. Refer to his ultimatum - he has to make the grade or he's fired.
P.12 (or thereabouts): Excited about getting a bonus/praise. Instead he gets fired on a technicality.
P.12 - 25: He mopes around. His pals try and persuade him to go to the party. He doesn't want to. After Eric has to pull out, Dean uses emotional blackmail - you can't let your friends down - to get him to help out. He goes to the party, albeit reluctantly.
P.25 (ish) Break into Act II. The party starts.
P.25 - Midpoint: Jordan is a misery guts. Plays along. Meets Melissa - perhaps shows her he's not interested. Keeps bumping into her. Resists but finds himself attracted to her. Dean is mean to trannies but lets them go to the party. Jordan is nice to trannies (trannies mention some link to Judge Fallon - or perhaps the Judge is at the party and leaves with the trannies).
Midpoint: I liked you midpoint in the script. Dean getting busted was just about right.
Midpoint to break into Act III: Decides that maybe he likes Melissa. Starts to pursue her. Dean does a deal with the cops - he'll give them someone else: he sets Jordan up (what are friends for?) - Jordan is the Keyser Soze, the Kingpin, the brains. Cops arrive - drug dealer hands Jordan a package and says "hold this". Cops search him, open the package and bust him.
All is Lost: Jordan in jail. Faces a long stretch.
Act III: Thanks to the trannies/Judge set-up, Jordan is set free and sets out to find Melissa. Finds her, - maybe he tracks her down in LA - make him work to win her over; they kiss, the end.
OVERALL: Good concept but execution needs work. Specifically, structure/story and character. Three stars. Best of luck with future drafts.
A COUPLE OF NOTES:
I've been told that using (beats) is outdated and you need to put in some kind of action instead of (beat).
P.2 Typo in the slug.
P.25 Maybe I missed it, but I don't remember seeing Melissa introduced as a character.
P.28 writs band should be wrist. read -
A review of The Vinegar Tastersby snony on 05/14/2012Alan, Before I get into the substance of the review, I'll refer you to my review of your other work for the tips on formatting, as some of them apply to this work as well. Saves me repeating myself. There are a lot of typos here. I stopped making notes of them after a few pages as it was becoming a distraction from actually reading and understanding your script. You do... Alan,
Before I get into the substance of the review, I'll refer you to my review of your other work for the tips on formatting, as some of them apply to this work as well. Saves me repeating myself.
There are a lot of typos here. I stopped making notes of them after a few pages as it was becoming a distraction from actually reading and understanding your script. You do need to go through and thoroughly proof this for both misspellings and using the wrong words.
Additional formatting issues here: When you introduce characters, you need to do so in CAPS.
There are lots of MOMENTS LATER, etc in the slugs. I've done this myself (damn) but it's usually better to just stick with DAY and NIGHT.
To business.
CONCEPT: Sound. A group of disparate characters follow their dreams, or not, and have to live with the consequences. I'm sure all of us writers on Trigger Street can identify with that. Solid concept.
CHARACTERS: This is an ensemble piece, so there isn't really a protag as such, more several protags. Nothing wrong with that. Decent arcs. Way too many minor players though - I've done this myself and what I try to do when I rewrite is see if I can take several characters and merge them into a single character.
DIALOGUE: Okay. Merely okay. From memory, the dialogue in your other script was better, so you're more than capable of improving dialogue.
STORY: Again, just okay. I felt a disconnect here. It can be difficult to pull off without being contrived, but in these kinds of ensemble works I like to see some connections between all the various characters, even if only slight. Like the bit when Charlie bumps into Steven. And at the end, when Felix and Jamie play in the footie final, suppose Annie and Henry get chatting and she mentions the trouble she has with her ex, perhaps Henry helps out in some way. As I say, hard to pull off, but for me it would work better. At the moment you have a bunch of several separate stories that are okay by themselves but don't gel into a cohesive whole.
Don't take just my word on that. See what other reviewers say - if one person says it (me), it's an opinion; if ten people say it, it's a problem.
STRUCTURE: If there was an Inciting Incident, I guess it was Henry's heart attack. Other structural beats seemed to be missing or vague. It seemed to take quite a long time for things to really get going.
Structure used to be a problem for me - my first screenplay had the inciting incident on, oh about page 45, but since I read and took in "Save The Cat!" by Blake Snyder, I feel much more confident with my structure. Structure is, after all, the skeleton upon which the flesh of your story hangs. It needs to be sound.
OVERALL: Three stars. You're onto a decent concept here but, for me at least, I think you need to speed things up a bit at the beginning and try and find a way of intertwining connecting all the different stories. Unless you're happy with most of the stories being disconnected, in which case totally ignore my suggestion. Best of luck with future drafts.
NOTES:
P.1 FADE IN at top left.
HENRY THOMAS in caps. All characters.
No need for (Cont'd) - this is outdated. A lot of software does this automatically, but you can disable this function.
P.2 "Henry is escorted outside and ushered into a waiting limousine" Try "USHERS escort Henry to a limousine" - it avoids passive writing and says the same thing with fewer words (6 words instead of 10). That's 40% fewer words. Imagine how much shorter the screenplay would be, and how quick the read would be if you did this throughout? Or how much more story you could fit in for a screenplay of the same length?
Character is introduced as GINA but the cues say GENA. You introduce all these friends of Annie and then they disappear, never to be seen again. Where are they when she splits up with Eddie? When he frames her for heroin possession?
P.3 "significantly richer than yo" - I've heard this before - a reference to a TV show/character? It's gonna bug me now.
shes should be (s/b) she's
she 'd s/b she'd
P.4 I've never heard a woman say she needs a slash. Jesse is a woman, right? With names that could be male or female, it might be an idea to make sex clear.
P.5 god 's sake s/b god's
P.6 Steven lay - check your tenses regarding "lay" and "lie" - I've done this myself.
P.7 "filthy little tramp" this sounds American. We Brits don't usually use tramp in this context.
P.8 henry's s/b Henry's
P.9 henry s/b Henry
P.13 downs syndrome s/b Down's
peaking s/b peeking
P.14 their s/b they're - this typo is quite common.
P.20 Eddie Robbins - Annie was introduced as Robins. I stopped noting typos here as it was becoming distracting and slowing down the read.
P.31 Two characters called Sandy.
P.34 Flashback: How old is Steven in 1972? You tell us on P.69 that he's 8 years old in 1972. You should tell us that here. It creates an issue with dates. You introduce him as 33. If he was 8 in 1972, then he would be 33 in 1997. If this story is set in 1997, you need to make it clear as soon as possible. Or just change Steven's age.
You need to put END FLASHBACK when the flashback is over.
P.38 Henry says he hasn't been in touch with his daughter for four or five years, yet he seems unaware he has a ten year old grandson. How's that?
P.39 "Why? You're going to be dead in six months" Ouch. That's gotta hurt! Best line of dialogue in the script. Great. More please!
P.41 Playing footie with a bad heart? Death wish?
P.43 Why does Annie move out? Given the inherent anti-male bias in UK family law, she'd have Eddie over a barrel. Surely you know the joke about divorced Barbie doll? The antics of Fathers For Justice? Given how mean Eddie turns out to be when he frames her, this is a point where we can see just how nasty Eddie is - perhaps he can do or say something that leaves Annie with no choice but to leave.
P.50 "Where do you live?" - she's already told him.
P.76 Henry appears to be talking to Frank. Who's Frank?
P.102+ Steven's Rocket trip didn't really work for me. It doesn't fit in with the tone of this screenplay. Unless it's all in his imagination - in which case you need to make it clear that it's a dream/fantasy sequence. read -
A review of The Way Forwardby snony on 02/29/2012I started watching "The First 15", then I thought I don't know what they're talking about, so I figured I'd better read the script first. So here's a free willy (ahem!). There are some formatting issues throughout, so I'll start with those. I've made exactly the same mistakes myself and other Trigger users were kind enough to steer me in the right direction, so I'm just passing... I started watching "The First 15", then I thought I don't know what they're talking about, so I figured I'd better read the script first. So here's a free willy (ahem!).
There are some formatting issues throughout, so I'll start with those. I've made exactly the same mistakes myself and other Trigger users were kind enough to steer me in the right direction, so I'm just passing on what I've learned.
Title Page: I see you're using celtx. There's a tab for Title page where you can fill in the relevant details for your project.
There's also a tick box for things like CONTINUED in the "Format Options". You don't need them here.
P.1 You need to put FADE IN at the top left.
When you introduce major characters like Noah, give us their age.
"Noah hands him a wad of money, and tucks the brown bag into his jacket. He walks back onto the street, a beeping sound goes off. Noah looks at his watch; it is large complicated gadget, the face shows a sun flashing in time to the beep, Noah turns the watch off. He lifts his head high, a smile on his face."
TIMINGS: The above action feels like it takes a a few seconds. Using one page per minute as a guide, this needs to be spread out a bit so that the action on the page conveys the time it takes.
Say:
"Noah hands him a wad of money, and tucks the brown bag into
his jacket.
He walks back onto the street, a beeping sound goes off. Noah
looks at his watch; it is large complicated gadget, the face
shows a sun flashing in time to the beep.
Noah turns the watch off. He lifts his head high, a smile on
his face."
"a beeping sound goes off" try and avoid "we hear", "we see", or there's a such and such sound. Just say it. Also, in action, try and avoid words that end in -ing, -ed, and -ly (-ly words are the hardest - if you can't avoid using them, keep it to a minimum) - they sound past tense and slow down the read. Using present tense alternatives gives action a greater immediacy and speeds up the read.
So:
"Noah hands him a wad of money, and tucks the brown bag into
his jacket.
He walks back onto the street, his watch BEEPS. He looks at
the intricate face - an image of the sun FLASHES in time to
the beep.
Noah turns the watch off. He lifts his head high, smiles."
P.2
NOAH
(continued)
should be NOAH (cont'd) in the same line. I'm reliably informed that "Trottier's Bible" says it's not necessary to even put (cont'd) these days. Unless the dialogue continues onto a new page.
"The ’Maintenace Room’ is filled with expensive and hi-tech gym equipment; treadmills and weights, it also has two lockers. Off the maintenance room at the end is a glass walled room with the walls covered in an ocean and rising
sun backdrop with two yoga mats are on the floor."
The scene heading tells us it's the maintenance room, so putting "Maintenace (sic) Room" is repetitive.
I'm not sure you need to describe everything with so much detail but, if you must, try and be more economical. Something like:
"Expensive gym equipment fills the room. On the wall, two lockers. An adjacent room has glass walls, yoga mats and a picture wall of a sunrise over an ocean"
This gives us the same information with 29 words as opposed to 50 words.
P.3 "Maria, a girl of similar age to Lexi," Try and be more economical: MARIA (20s) gives us the same information with fewer words.
I won't mention formatting any more. Screenwriting is about trying to tell as much story as economically as possible. When you rewrite this (writing is rewriting), go through all your descriptions and think about how they can be more concise.
To the story:
A world divided between haves and have nots; rebels and conformists. Then two people, from opposite sides of the tracks, meet. Chalk and cheese. Great concept. Solid.
One thing. As this is set in the future, show us this world. For example, on P.6, when Lexi and Maria arrive at the wall, you could have a helicopter fly overhead. Then a brief scene in the helicopter as it flies over this "Brave New World" - divided by this huge wall.
Also, a lot of the background to this world is conveyed by characters telling us. I've done this myself, with lots of exposition, but there are better ways. You could try and be more creative here. Say, a group of kids on a school trip to a museum. Full of interactive posters with digital slideshows and commentary - showing the world before and after.
P.13 Will our US cousins know what crisps are?
P.15 Typo: Some of the action and dialogue is mixed up here and throughout. You need to correct this.
P.20 Noah, Maria and Lexi meet. This feels like the inciting incident/catalyst. Ideally, you want this to be a few pages earlier - before page 15. If you use more economical descriptions and such, you should be able to trim this opening by a few pages and get the structural elements in a better place. [Again, I've done this - my first script had the I.I. on page 45! Hehehe! Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt! Reading Save The Cat! was very useful when it came to structure and outline]
P.33 Coastal Road is not quite correct for the scene heading.
I would put INT/EXT - CAR (MOVING)/COASTAL ROAD - DAY
P.35 Given Noah is from the conformist side of town, I'd expect him to be a bit anal when it comes to getting sand in his shoes and stuff. Lexi would have to get him to lighten up
P.45 12mph on the treadmill. Earlier, it was kph. Be consistent with your units.
P.53 Nice twist finding her mother.
P.63 Jeff Buckley's Hallelujah. The best version.
P.68 Chemo kills everything. It just kills the faster growing cancer cells first. The hope is that it kills the cancer before the rest of the patient. So it's kill or cure.
P.74 You need to write out the montage.
-- Lexi does the back-stretching posture.
-- Maria lies in the corpse posture.
-- Lotus position, etc.
P.81 The corridor is a new location, so needs a new slug.
P.86 Nut sure yanks will know what taking the mickey is. Try making fun of him.
P.89 If I'm thinking what you're thinking, "swinging ball toy" is called a Newton's cradle. Google it and you'll get a nice picture to check.
P.93 If science perfects growing meat in a lab, what will happen to all the farm animals?
P.95 FADE OUT at the right hand side.
OVERALL: Solid concept. Nice story.
I don't know why this has two stars for so many things. It's not below average in my book (some people on this site can be so mean!). But it does need work.
When it comes to rewrites, I would focus on:
1. The craft of screenwriting and trying to be more economical.
2. Structure: Apart from Noah and Lexi meeting a bit late, it was okay. The lateness of the I.I. skews the break into act 2 and such. If you can condense things, have them meet by about P.12, structure would be solid.
3. Dialogue: Generally, dialogue was okay, but there were lots of bits where the dialogue was pure exposition. Try and 'bury' the exposition.
I hope this is helpful. Good luck with this! read -
A review of Mischief Rebornby snony on 02/27/2012CONCEPT: I like the concept. A world where the re-incarnated have to be monitored and policed has the potential for all kinds of conflict and mayhem. CHARACTERS: Not good. For a start, there are way too many characters, and a lot of them don't really do anything of significance, except in a functional capacity. I also had trouble figuring out who the protag was, at least... CONCEPT: I like the concept. A world where the re-incarnated have to be monitored and policed has the potential for all kinds of conflict and mayhem.
CHARACTERS: Not good. For a start, there are way too many characters, and a lot of them don't really do anything of significance, except in a functional capacity.
I also had trouble figuring out who the protag was, at least to begin with. It became clearer later, but too late. I think the protag is David, but you need to make it clear, and make it clear early. Part of the problem here was jumping back and forth between different aspects of the story.
To be honest, Dean and Sara were the only characters who had unique voices - all the others just blurred into one another and I couldn't tell who was who.
I've done this myself. What I try to do in rewrites is cull the inessential characters and try and merge several minor characters into one.
DIALOGUE: In addition to the note above about Dean and Sara, dialogue was okay, but merely okay. A lot of the dialogue was exposition: An example is the exchange between Charlie and David on P.10/11. You have to give us, the audience/reader, certain information, in this case a bit of background on Marcus, but resist the temptation to have characters just come out and tell everything. Avoid exposition and talking the plot.
P.33 "This is my dad, Jake Ghent" - who speaks like that?
Try and be more subtle. Again, I've done this myself in the past.
STORY: Okay, in parts. The problem is, you spend so much on the set up and introduce so many characters, most of them superfluous, that for a long time I had absolutely no idea what was going on. Only toward the end did things start to come together and make sense.
I get the feeling that there are several things at play here. If based on a novel, then you have the dilemma as to what to include and what to leave out. Another thing is that this stuff may be clear to you, in your head, but to others it's not always so obvious. We need clarity.
STRUCTURE: I had real difficulty picking out the beats of this story.
OVERALL: This is just one person's opinion and, after all, "nobody knows anything", but I think this needs a lot of work. The good thing is, you have a solid concept and a decent story hidden away beneath all the fluff, the potential for a great protag if you can make him stand out and have a unique voice. It will be a lot of work, but if you pull it off in future drafts, you'll have a first class script. Good luck.
General notes:
If you haven't read it already, try and acquire a copy of Blake Snyder's "Save The Cat!". I don't agree with everything in his book, but his guidance on structure and using the board to plot out your story have helped me immensely since I read it (only last month).
A lot of typos. You need to go and proof.
I don't know if it was a glitch in the software, but the font seems to vary between faint and almost bold. You need to take a look at it.
A lot of the action needs to be clearer and more concise. A lot of your action descriptions left me confused. I had to go back and re-read all the time and this slowed the read down considerably and made it a real slog rather than a quick and easy read.
P.1
FADE IN is usually on the top left. Why does the script start halfway down the page?
P.2
"Guests stick their heads out..." If this is in another part of the mansion, it needs a new scene heading.
P.4
Avoid "we see". Just put something like "Gunfire FLASHES in the mansion windows, then SCREAMS... then silence."
P.40 "Trip appears angry and goes..." Think about timings. Don't be too rigid, but aim for 1 page per minute. This fight feels like it lasts a good half a minute, yet takes up only a paragraph. Try and spread out the action over the page. read -
A review of Door to Nowhereby snony on 02/06/2012Whenever I read screenplays on this site, the better the script is, the fewer notes I write. I have remarkably few notes for you, so well done on writing a good script! The only criticism I have is a very minor one concerning formatting. Everything else was spot on. Some are quite pedantic about it, but it's only a guide, and that is that we aim to make one page of script... Whenever I read screenplays on this site, the better the script is, the fewer notes I write. I have remarkably few notes for you, so well done on writing a good script!
The only criticism I have is a very minor one concerning formatting. Everything else was spot on.
Some are quite pedantic about it, but it's only a guide, and that is that we aim to make one page of script about one minute of screen time. Some of your action descriptions are condensed into a single paragraph when, from a timing perspective, I think they should be spread out a bit.
Examples include the sequence on P.14 when Henry mills around the apartment, the montage on P.15 and the flashback on P.42 - the flashback by itself could take up at least half a page, maybe even a whole page.
I do like the ending - it takes cojones to write screenplays with an ending that isn't neatly tied up and HAPPY, so kudos!
Damn! I'm struggling for things to write. I'll end by wishing you well with this and hope my notes will be of use:
P.1 "Poor,old Henry" needs a space after the comma.
P.2 30's s/b 30s
P.5 Introduce Decaradeaux in CAPS.
P.6 You describe this key on P.1, so, apart from the little extra detail, most of this description is repetitive and unnecessary.
P.32 "roar of canons" s/b cannons.
P.35 J. S Haldane said that, not Haldone.
P.36 MREs - Meals Rejected by Ethiopians!
P.43 AIDS is an acronym Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome. So AIDs s/b AIDS.
P.60 I know this might blow the budget, but this exposition from Conrad could do with some kick ass visuals, where you show the battle between Azael and the others. Consider a few scenes where you show this accompanied by Conrad's V.O.
P.81 I guessed Solange was the old woman at the beginning as soon as you introduced her. It reminds me of a UK series called "Misfits" where a character humps a hot chick only to discover she's an old chick.
P.83 Kurt Godel was a very famous mathematician and a good friend of Einstein. I know it's Physics and not Math, but the cat/familiar thing cries out for a reference to Schrodinger.
General formatting query. When I have a book/magazine/TV, I tend to use INSERT BOOK/MAGAZINE/TV. Is putting CLOSE ON an acceptable alternative? If you could let me know, I'd be grateful. read -
A review of CINEMA 15by snony on 01/26/2012I like to read screenplays fresh and free from preconceived ideas, so I tend not to read synopses until after I've read the SP. I have to say, I found it difficult to tease out what this was about when reading. As far as I can tell, Egan's friend Zach is killed by a drunk driver, sending Egan into a depression, where he cuts himself off from his friends, family, even his... I like to read screenplays fresh and free from preconceived ideas, so I tend not to read synopses until after I've read the SP.
I have to say, I found it difficult to tease out what this was about when reading. As far as I can tell, Egan's friend Zach is killed by a drunk driver, sending Egan into a depression, where he cuts himself off from his friends, family, even his own feelings.
As a concept, that sounds good. The execution here seems to be somewhat lacking. I got more of this from the synopsis than I did the screenplay itself. I've made this mistake myself - I have the stuff in my head, but what ends up on the page is confused. It usually takes me a few drafts to get it right. After all, writing is rewriting.
Before I go on, a brief note on the mechanics of screenwriting.
1. TIMINGS. Some are quite religious about it, but I think it's only a guide. We aim to make one page of screenplay equal to about one page of screen time. The opening scene (and many others) reads like something that might take thirty seconds (half a page), yet is in a single, six line paragraph, which brings me to...
2. PARAGRAPHS. Try to keep to four lines at most. If yours are longer, break them down into 2 or 3 line paragraphs.
3. TYPOS. We all make them here and there. We're usually too close to the wood to see the trees and miss them. But there are too many here: Instances of using the wrong words, capital letters in places where they shouldn't be, etc. There were so many I stopped noting them down after page 10. So go through this and give it a good edit.
To the screenplay:
Structure is the skeleton that the rest of a screenplay hangs on and, well, to be frank, I wasn't getting any structure. Just a single long act. Again, I've done this myself. I would heartily recommend you obtain a copy of Save The Cat! by Blake Snyder. I don't agree with everything he puts in his book, but his approach to structure and his board approach to planning a screenplay are sound.
Zach dies on P.3, then we have a lot of characters spend a long time talking about which movies they like and don't like and nothing really happening by way of story or character development. On P.73, we finally get an insight into what Egan has been going through, which is past halfway - way too late. Up until that point, I didn't get Egan pushing away friends, girlfriend, family and such, just a lot of talk about movies. Then we have another 70 pages to get to the end, making 141 pages in all. Way too long.
I'm sorry if this seems harsh, but I think you should go back to the drawing board on this one and do a page one rewrite. I'll make some suggestions as to what I think will allow you to salvage this concept (which as I've already said is good).
ACT I:
Change the hook. Zach dying is better as the catalyst/inciting incident.
Show us Egan and Zach. Hanging out at the movies. Best buddies. We, the audience, have to care about, and like, both of them. Even have them set off on their trip to LA. In the car, together, Zach driving - make them argue about who'll drive. Zach wins. Happy, smiling, about to start a new life, then... BAM. Hit by the drunk driver.
Zach's death will form the catalyst for change. This needs to happen between pages 10 to 15.
Egan, injured in the crash, shuts himself away - from his work buddies, his girl, everyone. Pretends to be more seriously injured than he is in order to avoid people. Until his parents give him an ultimatum - pay your way or we kick you out.
Egan goes back to work. Break into act two - by about P.25.
ACT II
Egan back at work.
We've met his work buddies, his girl in act one. Now we get to know them better. There's a new guy at work, Steve, who Egan makes a bond of friendship with. He feels guilty - for Zach's death, for making a new friend so quickly, all of it - and grows more detached.
By midpoint, we need something to change. Spurred on by his new friend Steve, things start looking up. He feels like his old self, starts flirting with Becca, opens up (just a tiny bit).
Then the drunks cause trouble at the theater. All that pain and heartache come back, Egan lashes out and beats the shit out of the guy. Ends up in jail. Becca leaves for California. All is lost. Which leads us into act 3.
ACT III
The drunks don't press charges. Egan gets out of jail.
Ian gives him the video. The montage on P.134 just doesn't cut it - WE NEED TO SEE ALL OF THIS VIDEO, with master scene headings and everything. It's a pivotal moment in the story.
After Egan watches the video, he knows what he has to do.
He decides to honor the memory of his dead friend and, more importantly, he needs to honor himself. So he sets off to California, opens up to Becca completely, wins back her heart, starts a new life. Walks off into the sunset with hope in his heart - the first for a very long time. The End.
Try and see if you can do all this in 100 pages, certainly no more than 120.
FINAL NOTE
We all get a bit 'Mama Bear' over work that we've shed blood, sweat and tears over. The suggestions I've made are just that. Suggestions. This is your baby, and it's for you to decide how to proceed in future drafts. If you think my ideas suck, or will take your concept in a direction you're loathe to go, don't use them. Or do what I do: take what's useful from each review, discard what's not useful and get rewriting.
I hope this is useful. Good luck. read -
A review of Rehabilitationby snony on 01/13/2012This was great. Lean writing made for a quick and easy read. An opening that had me hooked from the beginning. With reviews like this, I always find it hard to know what to write. I'm like "That was great, now how do I fill the 100 word minimum?" All along you kept me guessing: Is Joel crazy? Did he murder his wife? Are all these killings hallucinations? Right till the end... This was great. Lean writing made for a quick and easy read. An opening that had me hooked from the beginning. With reviews like this, I always find it hard to know what to write. I'm like "That was great, now how do I fill the 100 word minimum?"
All along you kept me guessing: Is Joel crazy? Did he murder his wife? Are all these killings hallucinations? Right till the end. It didn't occur to me that the culprit was... I won't put a spoiler in here!
The only gripe I had was the genre. I was thinking "I'm not scared, there's not enough horror in there to make this a horror." Then I open my e-mail. I get the Inktip Newsletter and number 573, fresh in my inbox, Company B is looking for a psychological horror. Now I get it. Not so much scare the shit-out-of-you horror, as psychological. Yes, I'm a bit slow sometimes!
I don't have any suggestions as to how you can make this better, because I think you've nailed it with this draft. I do have some notes and hope they'll be of some (limited) use. Good luck with this!
P.5
"Joel's beard is gone."
In the previous flashback, you've already told us this, so no need to repeat it here. Take it as a given that Joel is clean shaven in all flashbacks.
P.9
"Randy rubs his eyes, then fixes his eyes firmly on Joel"
I don't get this. Joel has been sleeping, so I would expect Joel to rub his eyes, not Randy. I'm not clear about it.
P.17
I think singing should be in "quotation marks", not italics.
P.37
"Buddy Ray pulls the trigger."
I've been dissed for doing this myself. Using a masked figure/Buddy Ray-type thing. According to people who've reviewed my work, and who I consider to be shit hot on formatting, so I respect what they tell me, when you introduce a character, use the same character cue throughout. So, either introduce him as Buddy Ray (if he's in a mask, the reader gets that audience won't know who it is), or use Masked Man throughout.
P.43
Why is Craig at the clinic? Did you tell us? I can't remember.
P.62
Would Dr Dan tell Randy about Joel? Patient confidentiality.
P.64
"Fuck you, cunt"
Nice. Don't see the C-word in many screenplays. Glad I'm not the only one who uses it!
P.84
"But I gotta pull the knife out"
Noooo! Joel is a doctor, right? NEVER pull the knife out, no matter how minor the stab wound. It should be surgically removed. Either have the knife already out or show Brooke pull it out. A doctor wouldn't do it (not a good one, anyway). Yes, I'm being very picky! I've got to criticize something!
P.85
Get everyone out - fire alarm? panic buttons?
P.96
I'm not sure any movie producers/directors would show a baby cut in half. You might want to rewrite this in a way that leaves things to the imagination rather than showing it.
All done. Best of luck to you. read
Comments About snony 126
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snoopy1239 on 12/04/2012
Laurence9 wrote:Mind if I pick your brain? What kind of quirks would you give Michael and Nicole? I thought about making Michael an extreme sports enthusiast...
Hi. It doesn't have to necessarily be an activity; it can be something as simple as an accent, a twitch, words they use, a bad habit, something they wear, and so on. Good luck. Snoops. -
snoopy1239 on 11/28/2012
Awesome. My girlfriend says I'm full of surprises, and I haven't even told her about my mistress yet.
snony wrote:Hey Snoopy,
Many thanks for your review of Cuz. I have to say it came as a surprise cuz I didn`t think I had any review credits on it. You made some good points in your review that I shall take on board for the future.
Best
Tony -
Scott Chamberlain on 09/12/2012
Thanks, Tony! Nice to see your writing continues -
Ailbe on 06/26/2012
Comment deleted by snony -
Ailbe on 06/23/2012
Thanks, Tony. Very nice of you to offer. As it happens, I have a new comedy which I'd love to get a guy's perspective on -- I'm hoping it has crossover appeal, gender wise. I just uploaded it so you could give it a read -- working title is DITCH. Thanks in advance... Cheers, Caroline -
Ailbe on 06/23/2012
I should have thought of Scrooge and Wonderful Life -- very good comparisons. Feel free to send me anything else to read, if you're looking for feedback on another project. And I haven't seen The Bridge -- I'll track it down, based on your recommendation. All the best... C. -
Ailbe on 06/23/2012
Hey Tony -- was my feedback helpful at all? I realize after I posted my review that I should have come up with a better list of shots/ideas to illustrate that we're in SF, especially since I lived there for years -- Russian HIll, The Marina, Pacific Heights, the Mission, I've lived all over the city. There's so much flavor there -- the usual cable car/Embarcadero shots are old and tired, dunno why I wrote those down! Best, Caroline -
Ailbe on 06/22/2012
Hi Tony -- so I'll post my notes, to follow. But just off the cuff...? This is a very ambitious story -- fair play to you for taking a stab at it. I stay comfortably within genres, mostly because I'm just trying to write commercial fare. But you've tackled something very original here, and it's a commendable first draft. You've obviously picked up the right things from reading screenplays -- this is really professionally written. It reads like a bang, very well paced -- interesting, funny, fresh. I think it needs work, but it's got legs. A cut above. Caroline -
ScreenTalent23 on 06/22/2012
No problem you're welcome if you need some advice on structure or anything give me a buzz:) -
grey on 06/22/2012
Thanks for taking another look at "Buster". I've been thinking that Eleanor needs to come in earlier as well, so I will be adding her in the opening. I extended it at the end to give him more of a character arc. And I appreciate catching my spelling errors. It amazes me that I can read through the thing time after time and not see them.
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Comments About snony 126
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Quote
Laurence9 wrote:
Mind if I pick your brain? What kind of quirks would you give Michael and Nicole? I thought about making Michael an extreme sports enthusiast...
-
Quote
Awesome. My girlfriend says I'm full of surprises, and I haven't even told her about my mistress yet.
snony wrote:
Hey Snoopy,
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Quote
Thanks, Tony! Nice to see your writing continues
+ more commentssnoopy1239 on 12/04/2012
Hi. It doesn't have to necessarily be an activity; it can be something as simple as an accent, a twitch, words they use, a bad habit, something they wear, and so on. Good luck. Snoops.
snoopy1239 on 11/28/2012
Many thanks for your review of Cuz. I have to say it came as a surprise cuz I didn`t think I had any review credits on it. You made some good points in your review that I shall take on board for the future.
Best
Tony
Scott Chamberlain on 09/12/2012