steve huffman

A review of PROP HOUSE V-2

by steve huffman on 06/04/2011

Let me say straight out that I really liked this. Entertaining, fun, good concept and really fantastic characters. Your structure was solid. Your story flowed very well. I especially liked the way you layered so many little subplots into your script using all the diverse characters. Dracula and Elsa, King Kong, Eddy and Robbie, Eddy and Marylyn, the flying saucers…really... read

Not your typical screenplay...and that's a good thing

A review of The Absence of Vonnegut (REV)

by steve huffman on 03/23/2011

This might be one of the toughest reviews I’ve ever had to write. This script obviously doesn’t fit into a typical screenplay mold. So I can’t resort to my normal screenplay reviewing techniques. Damn you, Brian. You’re going to make me work on this one. Okay, so let’s get some things out right away. First, you’re obviously an incredibly talented writer. Your approach... read

47 second review

A review of 47-Seconds Late

by steve huffman on 03/22/2011

The script is about Diane, a man who’s been playing second fiddle to his 47 second older twin brother. He has lived in his brother’s shadow and, as the story unfolds, is a loser with little self confidence or direction, apparently the direct result of feeling inferior to his older sibling. His only chance at redemption is to beat his brother’s bowling team in the local bowling... The script is about Diane, a man who’s been playing second fiddle to his 47 second older twin brother. He has lived in his brother’s shadow and, as the story unfolds, is a loser with little self confidence or direction, apparently the direct result of feeling inferior to his older sibling. His only chance at redemption is to beat his brother’s bowling team in the local bowling tournament.

Now this may not be the strongest premise for a film but strong writing can sometimes overcome a fairly weak premise. Unfortunately, that is not the case with this screenplay. Look, I’m not going to re-write you here, because this is your screenplay and this is the story you’ve decided to tell. So I can only comment on what’s here (and what’s not here). So here goes…

The first page gave me an indication that this was not going to be a pleasant read. The father’s opening dialogue “this boy is strong like his father…But this boy looks weak” was so “on the nose” that I thought it might be a line from a movie within a movie parody. It wasn’t. Casey, on the nose dialogue is when a character says something so directly that the reader/audience feels as though they’re being fed information rather than listening to someone actually converse. Subtext is very important in a screenplay. You can get your point across by showing how a character reacts or behaves, or by the things he doesn’t say, rather than by having him announce a situation or his feelings about something/someone. You’re screenplay has a lot of this on the nose dialogue. The conversation between Diane and Shelly at the bowling alley is another of many examples. This is like three of four pages of Diane simply telling her about his terrible childhood. You need to be more subtle in your character reveals and character development. She (and we) need to see how his childhood affected him. That’s more powerful (and interesting) then simply having the character give a dissertation. Then you can give little glimpses of his childhood, and we can infer the rest. We can learn about him rather than having him tell us (and Shelly) about himself. I don’t mean to belabor this point, but on the nose dialogue can really detract from someone getting into and getting swept up in your story.

Now let’s talk about your story. For the first thirty pages I thought it was going to be a story about some old man, Graham, trying to evict everyone from the park so he could sell it. That’s pretty much what the first thirty pages are about. Graham makes them an ultimatum on page 19 that they have to have everything shipshape by the end of the bowling season or they all have to leave. And they’re like, oh no, what are we going to do? And Chuck says, “we have to win”. And I’m wondering what in the world winning a bowling tournament has to do with cleaning up the mess. Was there a big cash prize for winning? I think at the end you indicated there was, but you didn’t mention it in the script. But even if you did, was this your story? The story of four guys who have to win a bowling tournament or lose their homes? No, because you suddenly switch to the “Diane must beat Andrew in order to gain some confidence and finally move out of his brother’s shadow. Very strange the way you just completely shifted gears there. Suddenly the winning to save their homes idea is just gone. Andrew, the brother, isn’t even mentioned until page 33 and doesn’t actually make an appearance in the script until page 36. Do you see the problem here? If beating Andrew is your story then make it your story…form the beginning.

And also give it some real conflict. Even in a comedy, there needs to be something at stake. If beating Andrew is really something that will change Diane’s life, then you need to show me that. Other than the montage at the beginning, the only real rivalry between Andrew and Diane is Diane “telling” us that Andrew has beaten him in bowling in the past. And Diane “telling” us about how his parents favored his brother in the eating all your food department. You never “showed “ me a rivalry. You never showed me how great Andrew’s life was compared to Diane’s. His better place. His better car. A scene where Andrew steals his parking spot. Shows him up. Something that makes me hate Andrew and sympathize with Diane. You know? If Diane beating Andrew is important enough to be the main plot in a feature length screenplay, then I, the reader/audience need (s) to understand and feel the importance. The “loser leaves town” thing didn’t work, btw, because (1) it came in on around page ninety, and (2) It was really kind of silly.

I’m sorry for beating you up in this review. I will tell you that I did like the Graham as The Kid reveal. I saw it coming but it was still a fun situation. And I also enjoyed the pick up the final split scene in the finale. This, by the way, is another example of your telling instead of showing habit. I believe Diane or one of the guys mentioned that Diane had problems with splits. It would have been much more effective if you would have shown that. Like a scene where Diane misses a split and almost cost his team advancing in the tournament. That’s foreshadowing. It would have upped the tension in that final scene having witnessed Diane miss in a similar situation earlier. Does that make sense?

Look, I think you have some comedic ability. This script wasn’t hilarious but there were some funny lines. But funny lines aren’t enough in this business. My advice to you on this script, or any script you write in the future, is to really focus in on the story you want to tell. Work out a beginning, middle and end before you start to actually write. Really try to figure out who your characters are, what they want and what is standing in their way. Once you get this outline down (in your head or on paper) then you can sit back and freewrite within that structure. If you know where you’re going, then getting there (the writing) is much easier and much better. Good luck. read

An actual plot could make this great...

A review of GENTS 2011 Edit

by steve huffman on 03/21/2011

Wow. Where to start? Okay, firstly, I love your writing style. Very clean. Very easy to read. I could easily follow your story and know exactly what was happening at any given time. Now this is no small feat. Many writers have a real problem finding the words to describe the action of their scripts. You two have the ability to write visually and seemingly effortlessly... Wow. Where to start? Okay, firstly, I love your writing style. Very clean. Very easy to read. I could easily follow your story and know exactly what was happening at any given time. Now this is no small feat. Many writers have a real problem finding the words to describe the action of their scripts. You two have the ability to write visually and seemingly effortlessly. That’s a talent. You also have a good ear for dialogue. Your characters speak naturally (albeit in a weird accent-:). Nice flow and rhythm.

Now during the first 25 or so pages I was really digging this script. I loved the opening Roddy killing. So cool the way these two go about their business like it’s perfectly normal to dismember someone while having a spot of tea. And then the Hamish assignment. Even better. Great set-up. I’m thinking, like they are, that this has to be some sort of mistake. Then the sudden shotgun blast through the wall. Didn’t expect it. Loved it!

It was shortly after the Hamish assignment scene, however, that I began to realize that something was missing. Most notably…a plot. Guys, how is it that you write so well yet have a screenplay with virtually no actual story? Look, in a screenplay, you have to have something that beckons the reader to keep turning the pages, or an audience to keep watching a film. There has to be some conflict. Some problem or obstacle that must be overcome. A goal that must be achieved. It can be something internal or external or, in the best scripts, both an internal and external struggle. But there has to be something that our heroes are trying to achieve. And there has to be something (s) that prevents them from achieving it. You can’t just have two likable, witty guys quipping through a script. It’s cute. It’s a layer to your story…but it can’t be the story.

And that, unfortunately, is what we have here. Two cool characters with nothing really driving them. Yes, they both kind of wonder what the meaning of it all is. Apparently this has been somewhat heightened by Ian’s impending birthday. But that is not nearly enough to make a story. Ask yourself something. What is Ian and Reginald’s goal? What is it they are trying to achieve? And what is stopping them from achieving it? I think you’ll find that the answer is, they don’t have a goal. And this is really a bummer considering this script started out so well. Also, ask yourself who or what is their antagonist? Gavin? Yeah…no. Gavin and his crew don’t pose any threat at all. They don’t even meet until very near the end of this script. They’re just like a side story without any real purpose.

Look, I could go on and point out certain things that didn’t make sense or that you might want to re-think, like the silly and highly unrealistic meet with the director on page 40. Or why Gavin would go all the way to LA to chase a dope dealer that is no longer a problem. Or why Gavin is described as an independent hitman and then as a morally conscious dope dealer… But none of these things really matter because your overall, big, major, giant, insurmountable problem here is that you have a screenplay with no real story. I wondered why your logline seemed so vague. Now I know. It’s very hard to write a logline for a script that doesn’t have a plot. It should be something like, “Two hitmen must-------“. Must what? I don’t know.

The thing is, you two write very well. I honestly believe you have a real talent. But you have to harness your talent and learn to write within the structure of a screenplay. And, yes, no matter how well your characters are drawn, or how amusing their dialogue is, they still have to exist within some sort of structure. Sorry I couldn’t be more positive in this review. I really did like your writing. Now you need to create a story worthy of your obvious writing talents. Good luck to you.

read

A sexy script?

A review of My Wife's Celebrity Sex Tape

by steve huffman on 03/05/2011

Well Kevin, first off, this was a very easy read. Cleanly written, properly formatted, and I like that you keep your descriptions to a minimum. Lot’s of white space. Thank you for that. You’re story is pretty original. A fairly happy but unexciting marriage is turned upside down when the wife’s 20 year old sex tape featuring a horse-dicked rocker is discovered. Dave... Well Kevin, first off, this was a very easy read. Cleanly written, properly formatted, and I like that you keep your descriptions to a minimum. Lot’s of white space. Thank you for that.

You’re story is pretty original. A fairly happy but unexciting marriage is turned upside down when the wife’s 20 year old sex tape featuring a horse-dicked rocker is discovered. Dave (the husband) leaves her and she ends up dating and eventually engaged to the very rocker who starred opposite her in the tape.

I thought your main character, Dave, was pretty well fleshed out. I saw that he was insecure about his relationship even prior to the sex tape discovery. Even after 14 years of marriage he still felt like he won the girl that was too good for him. His own feelings of inadequacy caused him to over-react and walk out on his family. Also thought you did a pretty good job on the friends, Alex and James. I did, however, think Alex’s’ split seemed to kind of come out of the blue. Just kind of shows up at the door on page 73 asking if the bachelor pad is accepting new members. What happened to him and his wife? Did I miss that part?

Anyway, as I read this script I kept wondering what was wrong. Why I didn’t have a stronger reaction to this story. It was good. I liked it, but I didn’t love it. I never really got sucked in. I never really felt the story take hold of me. I was aware I was reading a screenplay. And that’s not good. So what’s missing here? I think it’s the lack of conflict or, more specifically, the lack of an escalating conflict. When Dave moves out and begins his life alone, he doesn’t seem to have much of a goal. Now the goal should be to get his wife back. But you really didn’t write him that way. He’s lonely. He’s self-destructive. He drinks a lot. He eats a lot. But you really don’t give me the understanding of how much he still loves his wife. How much he wants her back. It’s really not until like page 100 or so that he really shows any of that. Up until then he’s just kind of moping through life. I should have seen his “win Jen back” desire early on. I should have seen him attempting and failing do this throughout the story. Getting a hair weave. Wearing a spandex, belly-hiding suit. Showing up at her gym wearing a ridiculous work-out suit. Trying to impress her by buying a motorcycle and then crashing it into the garage door. That kind of stuff. Would have provided more of an engine to power this train and also provide some much needed comics elements to the script.

I also had some problems with the Jen character. Mainly, that she would so quickly jump into bed and then into a relationship with Nick. Here’s the thing. I write romcoms. I read romcoms. I watch romcoms. I’m a romcom freak. And in this genre, the female absolutely has to be worthy of the male lead’s affection. And the way she’s written throughout most of the script, Jen is not. She’s a mother who, by virtue of the ending, is still in love with her ex-husband. She can’t be a slut. She can’t so easily sleep with one man while being in love with another. Think about the film, FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL, who’s story line this script resembles. Why didn’t the male lead end up with Sarah in the end? Because she had an affair with a fun but shallow rocker dude. He can’t end up with her. She’s not worthy. The audience wouldn’t accept that. Same here, dude. Jen has to be worthy. She can flirt with or fantasize about Nick. Even date him. She just can’t screw him. My opinion, of course.

I hope I haven’t bummed you out with this review. Again, I did like this script and I think this concept has serious potential. Just not quite there in this draft. Good luck. read

Romcom or com?

A review of SKI TRIP (drunk draft)

by steve huffman on 03/03/2011

Well, this screenplay is properly formatted, the page length is about right for the genre and your opening VO is clever, funny and well written. Because of these three things, I began this read with high hopes. But to be honest my friend, I don’t think you’re close on this draft. Firstly, in the first 10 pages, you introduce like 20 characters. This is rarely a good... Well, this screenplay is properly formatted, the page length is about right for the genre and your opening VO is clever, funny and well written. Because of these three things, I began this read with high hopes. But to be honest my friend, I don’t think you’re close on this draft.

Firstly, in the first 10 pages, you introduce like 20 characters. This is rarely a good idea because all it really does is confuse your reader. It’s very difficult to remember who is who. You make this even worse by giving some of the characters non-gender specific names like Pat (a girl, I think) and Ellis (a girl who I kept thinking was male) and Aurora who is referred to as “Rory” in much of the dialogue. (Just call her Rory. You can sneak in somewhere that her real name is aurora to tie into the borealis). I know this might seem picky, but remember, you are trying to write as clearly as possible so your reader can get sucked into your story. Having to page back numerous times trying to figure out who the character is that’s speaking (and what gender they are) detracts and reminds me I’m reading a script. And the ironic thing is, one of my major criticisms of this script is that it has way, way too many incidental, unimportant and unneeded characters. More on that in a minute.

Now as I got to about page 25 I realized that I really had no idea what this script was about. Yeah, I know it’s a bunch of highschool kids heading for a booze filled ski trip. But I didn’t know what it was really about. What was the problem? The goal? The conflict? The obstacle to be overcome? I know you know a screenplay can’t just be a series of events because you did bring conflict in eventually, but what’s at stake…in this case, Woody and Aurora’s and Sarah’s relationship, Darren and Eve’s relationship, Bert’s virginity…need to be brought out much earlier. I had a hard time getting into your story because there really was no story until around page 70. Just a bunch of scenes full of not all that interesting conversations and not all that funny “jokes”. And just so you know, one of the reasons I found the conversations uninteresting is because I really didn’t know anything about the people who were having them. Just talking heads trying to be clever, humorous and ironic and, quite honestly, failing in all three areas.

Now eventually, I figured out that there were two stories you were trying to tell. The first being the relationship between Aurora and Woody and the second being the relationship between Darren and Eve. Let’s start with Aurora and Woody. Woody has a thing for Aurora. His plan is to use this ski trip as an opportunity to romance her. The thing is, he really never does. They have some conversations, but there are no moments where he tries to get her alone but is thwarted. You need those moments. We need to see the hero at least trying to succeed. He can’t just wander around talking and drinking until like page 90 something when he finally bangs on her door. And subsequently, he discovers that Aurora is not the woman he thought she was. She’s frankly not someone who is worthy of a hero’s love. Did you write that accidently? I ask because even though it’s kind of there, you wrote the ending like you don’t really understand that. You have him apologizing to her. You have him following her into the bathroom as if he still wants her. No, dude. He’s your hero. The guy who I’m supposed to care about, root for. He needs to realize, as I do, that she’s not the one. He (and we, living through him in this script) deserves better. Now the”better” is Sarah, obviously. But seriously, the Woody/Sarah relationship is woefully underdeveloped. There is no way I can buy your Woody and Sarah end up together ending with so little set up. The only time I remember seeing Sarah was on the bus when she had the cock-cycles. Then she just appears on page 80 something and we suddenly learn that she and Woody are former lovers who might still have a thing for each other. You need to set this up from the beginning. We, the reader/audience need to like Sarah. We need to know she’s the one for Woody long before Woody knows it. We need to root for them to get together, so when they finally do, we get that satisfied, just had a snicker bar, feeling. You know?

Now the Darren/Eve story is your B plot. It’s also very incomplete. Does Darren love Eve? Honestly, the way this is written, I really don’t care. I don’t know enough about them or their relationship to care. She wants to have sex. He doesn’t. Okay. That’s just not enough. Need some character development here, dude. I need to know them if I’m going to care about them. And that goes for all of your characters. Woody, Aurora, Sarah, Darren, Eve, Bert and Enid are your main characters. Focus your time and energy on them. Develop them. Who they are. What they want. Forget about the twenty other characters that take up so much time in this script and add nothing to the story. Yeah, I know, you wanted that crazy, wild ski party weekend type thing. Well, if that’s what you’re after, a seriously mindless, crazy comedy then you would have to make this way, way, way, way, way, way, way…funnier. It would have to be hilarious. It’s not.

That being said, you do have one very funny, well imagined, well written scene. That is the hilarious love/sex scene between Bert and Enid. When she’s passed out and puking on him I laughed out loud. That, unfortunately was the only time I laughed, but it was damned funny. Very good job on that scene. If you want to write the semi-plot-less, crazy teen flick, btw, almost every scene would have to be that funny. If you can’t do that, you’re going to have to populate your script with fully realized characters that your audience/reader will care about.

I hope that even though this isn’t the most positive review you’ve ever received, you are able to get something out of it that will help you make this script better. After all, that’s why we’re here. Good luck to you. read

Mini-series or screenplay?

A review of Mark of the Veil

by steve huffman on 02/26/2011

Okay. First off let me state the obvious here. This is not a screenplay. This is the first chapter of a mini-series so I'm not sure exactly how to review this. Guess I'll just comment on what's there because, obviously, what is not there could fill a room...like an ending for starters. That being said, your set-up (which is what this is really, just a set-up to a story... Okay. First off let me state the obvious here. This is not a screenplay. This is the first chapter of a mini-series so I'm not sure exactly how to review this. Guess I'll just comment on what's there because, obviously, what is not there could fill a room...like an ending for starters.

That being said, your set-up (which is what this is really, just a set-up to a story you haven't told yet) is interesting. James is a synthetic being, created by "The Veil". He's been implanted with false memories by his surrogate mother who has hidden him away. Why was he created? What does his creation have to do with this asteroid that is heading to earth? I have no idea. And that's a big problem for me. I assume you answer those questions in later chapters. But, for now, it's just a confusing and incomplete idea.

Now this "Veil" is supposedly a highly organized, sophisticated group. So why did they do such a sloppy job of going after James in the first place? Why did they kidnap his mother? Why did Webb let James go when they first met in the house? Where was the back-up players? What was Webb trying to accomplish?

And why did Webb spend so much time building up this Anders for a run at the governorship only to kill her? And why did he kill her? Why did he care if she plays nice with the Fremonts? Why didn't he just kill the Fremonts? Why kidnap Ezra and his ex-girlfriend? To lure James there? He could have taken James any time he wanted.

Here's the thing. You have a nice writing style. Clear and concise. Your dialogue is clean. Your characters are fairly well defined. But their actions, their motives, their reasons for doing what they do is very confusing. Did you outline this? Maybe you should. Webb's actions just don't make sense to me. I don't know what he is trying to accomplish. Get James back? That would have been easy. Find him and take him. The rest is just action without a purpose.

Sorry my friend. I'd like to be more helpful but I don't think I can be at this point. read

Very good job on this one

A review of LIBERTY

by steve huffman on 10/21/2009

Well Gary, I can certainly see why this script has been nominated for SOM. Very well executed piece of work. That I was able to get in to, imagine and understand the world you were bringing me into so quickly is a testament to your experience and ability as a screenwriter. No distractions, no long blocks. Everything flowed smoothly. I was able to concentrate on what you... read

Very "Hopefull" draft

A review of Finding Hope (Rev)

by steve huffman on 10/14/2009

Overall, I really liked most of this screenplay. I’m a sucker for romcoms and yours was very enjoyable in its simplicity. The opening scenes with Warren and Hope were good. Very good. I like how you gave me a sense of their closeness without having to overdo it. She was the outgoing, fun girl. He was a dweeb. They meshed. Nice job here. Also liked Warren in his older... read

great writing, muddled premise

A review of In Case I Have to Kill You

by steve huffman on 05/04/2008

I think I’m going to start this review by sharing the notes I wrote as I read. After which I’ll try to sum up my thoughts. Notes: Pg6 Two things so far: Lauren comes off as smart, confident and independent. Does she actually love Matt? Also, scene where Jonathon tells her Daniel’s dying seems kind of abrupt. Spend a moment making this a little more clever and/or ironic... read

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