a screenplay
by stevenroy
In this old apartment lie the secrets of the universe and the source of its destruction.
stevenroy
member since 11/18/2002 |
last login 05/16/2012
Doing my best to become a professional liar....
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Doing my best to become a professional liar.
Submissions by stevenroy
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a screenplay by stevenroy
The indomitable martial artist and vicious assassin, the Venom King, has never left a single survivor. When he... more
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a screenplay by stevenroyVampires put on a Kung Fu tournament
Reviews by stevenroy 70
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A review of 13-Romeo (v2)by stevenroy on 05/11/201213-Romeo by Caggiano Concept: The concept is a traditional cop piece. A lot of the elements have been seen before. A cop with relationship issues because he's married to the force. A hostage situation. Being that this is such a standard work, it will really have to be well executed to get noticed. Story 1.We start off with what seems to be a bomb in a subway (training),... 13-Romeo by Caggiano
Concept: The concept is a traditional cop piece. A lot of the elements have been seen before. A cop with relationship issues because he's married to the force. A hostage situation. Being that this is such a standard work, it will really have to be well executed to get noticed.
Story
1.We start off with what seems to be a bomb in a subway (training), but it turns out to be Shephard's retirement party.
2. We learn that Shep has tried to retire before but always came back.(The dialogue is a bit on the nose here.) Crowley tries to get back Shep's gear. Baxter runs Crowley off and tells Shep to go to his office.
3. Baxter seems to be telling Shep about an opportunity and wants him to go golfing. Shep declines. He mentions Amy. (this may not be a necessary scene)
4.Shep goes to Amy's house. He picks up some cop gear and learns Amy is moving to Miami. He convinces her to have breakfast with him before she leaves, promises to sign the divorce papers.
Flashback: 15 years ago Shep and Jenkins save a woman from drowning.
6. Shep gets a page and stands Amy up at the dinner.
7. Amy arrives at the diner and leaves when she realizes she's been stood up.
8. Shep arrives at a hostage situation at One Crier Square. (Why doesn't anyone mention Amy works here? Wouldn't Shep be concerned she might be inside? Maybe you could have Shep leave the diner worried that she was one of the hostages. That would be a sad turn of events)
9. William Resnick, the hostage taker, banters with Baxter but then gives his demands. He will trade the 10 hostages for Morris Edwards (Amy's boss and lover). He gives Baxter one hour to produce him. (we get to the point a bit late in the first act that this is going to be a hostage movie. I think there's at least two scenes you could eliminate to get to it sooner. (3. Going into Baxter's office and the Flashback. You could cut that and actually show Resnick betraying his co workers and taking them hostage.)
10. Amy gets to the airport to learn Morris isn't there.
11. Flashback(pages 29.5~39): A much young Amy goes on a ride along with Shep. They catch a criminal and end up having sex in the back of the police cruiser and getting locked in the cruiser.(The good news is that this is a great scene. It really shows up how Amy and Shep came to be in love, the bad news is that you're moving away from your main story for ten pages. That might be too long.)
12. The cops find Morris at the airport and tell him what's going down.
13.We learn Shep is going in and William Resnick is ex-military.
14. Shep and Justice get on the roof and start to work their way down. They get taken out by the first bomb.
His face is bloodied, his body mangled. But his radio is
loud and clear.
15:Flashback pages 43~51) Shep has a dinner date with Amy, but gets in a car with Janelle. Amy thinks he's cheating but turns out Janelle is his hot, jeweler, cousin. Shep asks her to marry him.
16. Shep is okay, and Justice has a hurt leg (You said his body was mangled, maybe just say he's unconscious) Shep stows Justice (would he really had taken her to begin with?) and moves through the building disabling boobing traps.
17. Flashback: pages 57~ 64) Shep runs down a theif and gets his clothes all wet. Amy is waiting at home waiting to have sex, but Shep goes for drinks with the boys.
18. The countdown has reached ten minutes. Trent shows signs of turning against the other hostages. Resnick allows them to use the bathroom.
19. Diane goes to the bathroom and finds Shep. Resnick catches them but Shep blows a hole in the floor. She and Shep escape.
20. Trent goes over to Resnick's side, but Resnick shoots him for Morris not being on time.
21. Flashback 74~78 ) Shep gets shot in the hand and neck during a raid, but pulls through.
22. Shep is beat up but resolved. Morris arrives and states he's going through with the trade. Shep is going to help Morris get there (there's not much tension here between them. Does Morris know who Shep is? They don’t even share a look.
23. Flashback Shep's hand causes him to transfer and take a Bomb Tech job. When he gets home Amy leaves him.
24. the group goes in. Resnick releases 4 of the hostages. They give him Morris and he lets the other hostages go, but he blows up the hallway with John in it.
25. Flashback. Shep meets Morris at a ballpark.
26. Resnick makes Morris put on an explosive vest. The vest has a lie-detector built in. Resnick interviews Morris.
27. Flashback of phone call with Amy.
28. Amy arrives at Crier Square.
29. Resnick captures Shep and leads him to the corridor. Justice attacks Resnick but he shots her.
30. Davis shoots Resnick. Shep takes Morris's place.
31. Amy greets them as Davis carries Morris out. She asks about Shep and the building blows up.
32. The cops have Shep's funeral.
When I first read this, I thought this is good but something was amiss that I couldn't quite put my finger on, so I spent a bit more time with it and I think a few things stand out.
First,
Dialogue:
SHEP
Thirty years I've been knocking
down doors. First time I'm afraid
of what’s on the other side.
(This is way too on the nose. Showing him hesitate on the steps would be more than enough. You’re underestimating readers here.)
She looks to Pop, balanced precariously atop the stool.
MA
I can still remember the day he
came to me, sayin’ he wanted to
open his own place. We had thirty
dollars in a shoebox and a baby on
the way.
She tops off his coffee.
MA
I told him it meant long hours for
short money. But when he gets one
of his ideas...
SHEP
How do you make it work?
MA
Got to remember, this could all be
gone tomorrow. We could lose this
place in a fire tonight...
Pop smacks down a grease fore with his apron.
MA
Or even sooner. But at the end of
the day, he’s all I got. Might not
know it to look at him, but it’s
more than I’ll ever need.
She winks at him.
This particular bit of dialogue doesn't have anything to do with the plot, but it's indicative of some of the issues with your dialogue throughout the script. Everyone, even Ma at the diner, sounds like they are given a well constructed speech when they talk. This is a valuable talent that you can write this type of dialogue but you have to know when to use it.
Characters
Aaron Davis (38) Gets much more description than your protagonist.
James Shephard 57
Grace 60
Captain Baxter (No description)
Fire Marshall
Chris Jenkins (what does an habitual bachelor look like)
Amy Shephard 47 (Shep's wife, soon to be ex.)
William Resnick
Structure
Crowley
Trent 28
John 46 union steward
You handle character really well in this script with the exception of Resnick. Maybe it's because he arrives so late in the script, but I never buy him as a villain or that he's been motivated to do something so drastic. I'm not saying people don't go crazy when they get fired but you have to give us more here for us to find him a credible bad guy.
Action: There are some unfilmables in your action lines.
Unaware they’re occupied by Boston’s finest - The Entry and
Apprehension Team. (How would someone watching the film now this?)
Team Leader AARON DAVIS (38). His imposing physique, dwarfed
only by a determined attitude.(How are going to film that determined attitude?)
Light streams onto the disbanded section of ancient track,
now used only for transit and police training. (Again, how would I know this by watching?)
Flashbacks. Many are against the general idea of flashbacks because they stop the forward momentum of the story, and “many” are right about that. I on the other hand find that flashbacks can add a lot to stories. Why be sly about putting in backstory when you can just show us.
I think the reason most people are against flashbacks is because people don’t execute them well. Maybe, it’s an advanced technique, but people mess up all aspects of scripts so I don’t understand this general hatred of flashbacks.
However, as well as you do flashbacks, I think you’re overdoing it. The first flashback with the drowning woman really adds nothing to this particular plot. It’s well written, but taking up valuable space that you could use for developing Resnick, or just getting to the hostage situation faster.
I would look at all the flashbacks. No matter how well you’re doing them you have to be really cautious when you move away from the main story line for ten pages/minutes.
one last thing: By the time I got the third helping of this cop-prayer it was too much, set it up once then bring it back at the end:
grant me the presence to deter
resistance, the courage to trade my
life for another...and the resolve to drop this
fucker if he gets in the way.
Overall:
I do think this is a good script, very solid. Some of the writing is inspired and you really make us feel emotion, even in the dreaded flashbacks. I think you’re on the right track and feel you’ll have success if not with this project then with some other.
read -
A review of End Times (V.2)by stevenroy on 05/07/2012End Times. Concept: The idea here isn't bad. A lot of films deal with the death of civilization via a virus, but here we are seeing what happens in the world afterwards. Other films have done this, but I don't think it's an overtired idea and this type of environment is certainly ripe for conflict, but it’s all about execution. Story: Alex lives by himself in a world mostly... End Times.
Concept:
The idea here isn't bad. A lot of films deal with the death of civilization via a virus, but here we are seeing what happens in the world afterwards. Other films have done this, but I don't think it's an overtired idea and this type of environment is certainly ripe for conflict, but it’s all about execution.
Story: Alex lives by himself in a world mostly vacant of people, mostly. While scavenging, he's attacked by three guys Sam, David, Jake, but before they can kill him he's rescued by Zeke and his mates. Zeke offers Alex to stay with them while he recovers.
Sam tells Johnny, the bad guys’ leader, about finding Alex and getting ran off by Zeke.
Elliot greets Alex, they knew he other from college. Alex convinces the others to let him stay.
Elliot and Alex immediately hook up.
Page 13. Okay, at this point a problem should be emerging for the protagonist, but I'm really not sure who the protagonist is, Alex I guess. I know that there's a problem between Johnny's and Zeke's groups, but both man seem to respect the truce, so other than most people dying of some disease there's no obvious problem emerging for the characters. Which by the way you've introduced a ton of.
Jamie, a new character, gets beat up by Johnny and his men.
Alex and Elliot decide to stay in and get high.
Zeke and Johnny meet. Johnny is clearly dominate.
Alex takes a risky trip to get some scotch. Of course he runs into Sam and his guys, but he barely gets away.
Zeke and Johnny meet again. Johnny wants Alex punishes and Elliot to watch (how would Johnny know Alex and elliot are together). After a few threats Zeke agrees. (If Zeke and his followers are so weak how do they have any territory.)
Rueben gives Alex a spot to take Elliot but he is really sending them to meet Johnny and his guys.
Alex and Elliot are having a nice date. Johnny and some guys arrive beat the crap out of Alex and rape Elliot. Rueben picks them up.
Rueben meets with Zeke and he's surprised they touched Elliot (really?)
Elliot takes her stuff and runs.
Alex confronts Rueben then Zeke, he takes Zeke's gun.
Alex goes to Johnny's territory and kills Sam, Jake and David.
Johnny goes with his gang to Zeke's hotel to get retribution. He kills three of Zeke's guys and tries to get info on Alex and says he wants Elliot. Zeke tells him where Elliot might be. They take Zeke with them.
Rueben finds Alex and they decide to get Elliot back.
Zeke leads Johnny to Elliot. They catch her then kill Zeke.
Alex and Rueben go to police station to get guns. They find Jamie who joins their cause.
Alex, Rueben and Jamie have lots of guns. They plan their attack that night (Why don't they go to Zeke's people and ask for volunteers. and why are their weapons left at the police station?)
They do a full frontal assault kill a bunch of guy and find out where Elliot is being held.
Elliot kills Frankie with a glass shard.
More fighting through the hotel. Jamie dies.
They find Elliot in Johnny's office. Elliot ends up shooting him in the stomach.
The groups separates. Johnny was wearing a bullet proof vest. He tracks down Rueben and tortures out Alex's location.
He attacks Alex and Elliot in the morning. Alex is able to choke him to death.
They bury Rueben with a nice monument.
Dialogue: I didn't notice any of your dialogue being filled with exposition. I would warn you to be cautious in making your characters sound and act a lot alike.
Look at the dialogue of Alex and Jamie when they are attacked separately. Their responses and language are very similar.
Characters: This type of script naturally has a lot of characters in the background that aren't crucial to the plot (gang members, innocent citizens) , but some like Sam, David, Jake are of mid level importance. You have to give us something to keep track of these guys otherwise a reader won't remember them when something happens to them later in the script. They'll have a which one was that again moment.
And, again, make sure characters are speaking and acting different.
Also, no one really changes in this story. Everyone is the same as they were at the beginning of the story. Character arcs and growth can be interesting.
Question, is Elliot the only female left in this world. You don't mention any others. If she is the only girl left, that would certainly make things different.
Alex
SAM-bad guy
David-bad guy
Jake-bad guy
Zeke (30) helps Alex
Rueben, Jay, Mikey all appear with Zeke
Johnny (40)
Frank, Johnny's right hand man.
Elliot,female hot, with Zeke, knows Alex
Jamie (20)
Structure. The structure here seems to really drift, and that goes back to character. Alex doesn't seem to have any goal until late in the script when he learns Elliot has been taken. It's fine if goals change but we need to know what they are as things go along.
For instance, when Alex wakes up and realizes his college crush is amongst the survivors his goal could be to woo her away from the others and this could eventually evolve into killing a bunch of guys so they can be happy and left alone. As it stands, Elliot makes this go really easy for Alex, and when things go easy there's not much drama.
Overall: One easy fix is going to be losing the "be" verbs in the action lines. I think that will immediately make things sharper.
so this: ALEX, 25, is asleep in bed.
There are beer cans and empty liquor bottles all over the
room. There is a baseball bat lying next to him.
He stirs and then forces himself to wake up and face the
day.
He sits on the edge of his bed and picks up a cigarette
packet from the bedside table. Upon inspection, he sees
there is only one cigarette left.
Would be sharper as this:
ALEX (25) sleeps on a rumpled bed. A baseball lays next to him.
Beer cans and empty liquor bottles litter the room.
He stirs and pushes himself up with a regretful groan.
He sits on the edge of the bed and reaches without looking for a pack of cigarettes. One left.
It's hard to introduce a lot of people fast on page 3 and 4 you introduce 7 people and your audience will not have an idea what these guys look like. True, that in film we can just look at their faces, but here you'll have to give us something to note their differences.
What's going to take more thought is character. It doesn't seem like there's much difference in these characters. Zeke is different but only in his ability to make poor decision and be a poor leader and push over. I think if you put more effort in to who these characters really are you'll have a much more authentic script.
I'm not sure what program you're writing in but I think every page has continued at the bottom and top. All characters and slug lines are in bold. That's not something that effects the story but it's something you'll want to correct to portray yourself as a professional. read -
A review of The Unlucky Feng Shui Masterby stevenroy on 05/04/2012The Unlucky Feng Shui Master Concept: This script is about a down on his luck furniture-mover who is given a Feng Shui compass that brings him massive luck and guides his way. He uses the compass to reshape his life, but, then when the compass is gone, he must find his own way or lose everything that he's built. It basically boils down to a guy must believe in himself to... The Unlucky Feng Shui Master
Concept: This script is about a down on his luck furniture-mover who is given a Feng Shui compass that brings him massive luck and guides his way. He uses the compass to reshape his life, but, then when the compass is gone, he must find his own way or lose everything that he's built.
It basically boils down to a guy must believe in himself to make his way and this is not exactly a novel idea and I've seen it done a lot.
Story:
Cal works with a mover with his roommate Rico. Cal is meticulous and has a gift for arranging furniture.
It's also his 29th birthday. He goes to his adopted parents' house for dinner. Alexander, Eve and Abe's real child who is a successful architect, brings the lovely Grace Hu and makes the evening about his successes.
Cal moves Ancient Master Mao stuff into a retirement home. Mao notices Cal's talents and gives him a Feng Shui compass.
Cal's luck immediately changes for the better.
Cal uses the compass at a card match against his brother, but Rico steals his hand and wins big.
Page 25 Rico notices Cal's luck has changed but it really hasn't changed that much. Cal shows him the compass.
Grace convinces Alexander to hire Cal as extra help to get the Trump contract. (I don't think interns would be working on this one.)
Cal accepts the position and starts work as Grace's assistant. Cal gets fired the first day for redesigning Alex's structure placement.
Cal and Rico take the compass to the race track and win.
Turns out the design Cal did is preferred. His brother calls him back.(it seems like his brother would have just taken credit.)
Cal returns and pitches successfully to Mr. Trump.
Trump also wants Cal to consult on some Casino property in Las Vegas.
Cal, Rico, and Grace stay in Vegas for the weekend.
Cal wins big at a casino with the compass. The guy that runs the casino wants the compass.
After an extended chase, Cal gets away with the compass, but Grace tells him it's just a crutch and throws it over the hoover dam. They get in a fight and Cal says some nasty things.
Cal and Rico look for Mao, but he's passed away. They discover Mao was the author of Feng Shui for dummies.
Cal and Rico try to get their old jobs back but fail.
Alex tries to get Cal to work on the project but he won't. He's given up.
Eva finds a photo album that shows Cal was loved as a child.
Cal struggles with the design of the park construction but then decides the park is the heart of the development and convinces Trump, with the help of an Earthquake, that he shouldn't do anything with the park.
Trump agrees and Cal goes on to start his own landscape business.
Dialogue: Dialogue is like acting. When you don't notice it, it must be pretty good, and here it's solid.
Characters:
CAL 29
Rico Romero 25
Joe the can opener 35
Alexander, Cal's brother 27
Grace Hu, 25
Eva 50 ABe 50 Cal's parents
Since this story is about Cal learning to believe in himself, you correctly have Cal in almost every scene, but I had no sense of what Cal's goal was through much of the script and, when it does become clear what he's trying to do something is always helping Cal achieve that goal rather than Cal himself. An example of this is the earthquake that convinces Trump to leave the park alone. Why not make Cal's speech about the park so good that it not only sways Trump but the audience who is experiencing it. Also, it doesn’t make a lot of sense for him to help his “brother” with his business.
I'm also not really sure what Cal looks like. YOu didn't give us much there.
Grace, Alexander, and Cal. It's also not clear when Grace and Alex stopped dating. How serious was it? You certainly don't show them end it. You do show Cal and Grace start up and this feels like one brother is stealing another's girlfriend.
Structure: The structure is fine. You seem to be hitting all the beats. I would say you vere from the main plot for two long with the chase scene of the casino guys trying to get the compass. This ultimately has nothing to do with the main plot.
Overall: This is a clean script that is technically sound. The brief action lines make it a pleasure to read. But, the characters never really pop and it was hard for me to care what was happening to them.
page nine-should be Lloyd-Wright-esque.
http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/-esque read
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Submissions by stevenroy
-
a screenplay by stevenroy
In this old apartment lie the secrets of the universe and the source of its destruction.
-
a screenplay by stevenroy
The indomitable martial artist and vicious assassin, the Venom King, has never left a single survivor. When he... more
-
a screenplay by stevenroy
Vampires put on a Kung Fu tournament
-
a screenplay by stevenroy250 million years in the future the last 300 humans struggle to survive.
Reviews by stevenroy 70
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A review of 13-Romeo (v2)by stevenroy on 05/11/201213-Romeo by Caggiano Concept: The concept is a traditional cop piece. A lot of the elements have been seen before. A cop with relationship issues because he's married to the force. A hostage situation. Being that this is such a standard work, it will really have to be well executed to get noticed. Story 1.We start off with what seems to be a bomb in a subway (training),... 13-Romeo by Caggiano
Concept: The concept is a traditional cop piece. A lot of the elements have been seen before. A cop with relationship issues because he's married to the force. A hostage situation. Being that this is such a standard work, it will really have to be well executed to get noticed.
Story
1.We start off with what seems to be a bomb in a subway (training), but it turns out to be Shephard's retirement party.
2. We learn that Shep has tried to retire before but always came back.(The dialogue is a bit on the nose here.) Crowley tries to get back Shep's gear. Baxter runs Crowley off and tells Shep to go to his office.
3. Baxter seems to be telling Shep about an opportunity and wants him to go golfing. Shep declines. He mentions Amy. (this may not be a necessary scene)
4.Shep goes to Amy's house. He picks up some cop gear and learns Amy is moving to Miami. He convinces her to have breakfast with him before she leaves, promises to sign the divorce papers.
Flashback: 15 years ago Shep and Jenkins save a woman from drowning.
6. Shep gets a page and stands Amy up at the dinner.
7. Amy arrives at the diner and leaves when she realizes she's been stood up.
8. Shep arrives at a hostage situation at One Crier Square. (Why doesn't anyone mention Amy works here? Wouldn't Shep be concerned she might be inside? Maybe you could have Shep leave the diner worried that she was one of the hostages. That would be a sad turn of events)
9. William Resnick, the hostage taker, banters with Baxter but then gives his demands. He will trade the 10 hostages for Morris Edwards (Amy's boss and lover). He gives Baxter one hour to produce him. (we get to the point a bit late in the first act that this is going to be a hostage movie. I think there's at least two scenes you could eliminate to get to it sooner. (3. Going into Baxter's office and the Flashback. You could cut that and actually show Resnick betraying his co workers and taking them hostage.)
10. Amy gets to the airport to learn Morris isn't there.
11. Flashback(pages 29.5~39): A much young Amy goes on a ride along with Shep. They catch a criminal and end up having sex in the back of the police cruiser and getting locked in the cruiser.(The good news is that this is a great scene. It really shows up how Amy and Shep came to be in love, the bad news is that you're moving away from your main story for ten pages. That might be too long.)
12. The cops find Morris at the airport and tell him what's going down.
13.We learn Shep is going in and William Resnick is ex-military.
14. Shep and Justice get on the roof and start to work their way down. They get taken out by the first bomb.
His face is bloodied, his body mangled. But his radio is
loud and clear.
15:Flashback pages 43~51) Shep has a dinner date with Amy, but gets in a car with Janelle. Amy thinks he's cheating but turns out Janelle is his hot, jeweler, cousin. Shep asks her to marry him.
16. Shep is okay, and Justice has a hurt leg (You said his body was mangled, maybe just say he's unconscious) Shep stows Justice (would he really had taken her to begin with?) and moves through the building disabling boobing traps.
17. Flashback: pages 57~ 64) Shep runs down a theif and gets his clothes all wet. Amy is waiting at home waiting to have sex, but Shep goes for drinks with the boys.
18. The countdown has reached ten minutes. Trent shows signs of turning against the other hostages. Resnick allows them to use the bathroom.
19. Diane goes to the bathroom and finds Shep. Resnick catches them but Shep blows a hole in the floor. She and Shep escape.
20. Trent goes over to Resnick's side, but Resnick shoots him for Morris not being on time.
21. Flashback 74~78 ) Shep gets shot in the hand and neck during a raid, but pulls through.
22. Shep is beat up but resolved. Morris arrives and states he's going through with the trade. Shep is going to help Morris get there (there's not much tension here between them. Does Morris know who Shep is? They don’t even share a look.
23. Flashback Shep's hand causes him to transfer and take a Bomb Tech job. When he gets home Amy leaves him.
24. the group goes in. Resnick releases 4 of the hostages. They give him Morris and he lets the other hostages go, but he blows up the hallway with John in it.
25. Flashback. Shep meets Morris at a ballpark.
26. Resnick makes Morris put on an explosive vest. The vest has a lie-detector built in. Resnick interviews Morris.
27. Flashback of phone call with Amy.
28. Amy arrives at Crier Square.
29. Resnick captures Shep and leads him to the corridor. Justice attacks Resnick but he shots her.
30. Davis shoots Resnick. Shep takes Morris's place.
31. Amy greets them as Davis carries Morris out. She asks about Shep and the building blows up.
32. The cops have Shep's funeral.
When I first read this, I thought this is good but something was amiss that I couldn't quite put my finger on, so I spent a bit more time with it and I think a few things stand out.
First,
Dialogue:
SHEP
Thirty years I've been knocking
down doors. First time I'm afraid
of what’s on the other side.
(This is way too on the nose. Showing him hesitate on the steps would be more than enough. You’re underestimating readers here.)
She looks to Pop, balanced precariously atop the stool.
MA
I can still remember the day he
came to me, sayin’ he wanted to
open his own place. We had thirty
dollars in a shoebox and a baby on
the way.
She tops off his coffee.
MA
I told him it meant long hours for
short money. But when he gets one
of his ideas...
SHEP
How do you make it work?
MA
Got to remember, this could all be
gone tomorrow. We could lose this
place in a fire tonight...
Pop smacks down a grease fore with his apron.
MA
Or even sooner. But at the end of
the day, he’s all I got. Might not
know it to look at him, but it’s
more than I’ll ever need.
She winks at him.
This particular bit of dialogue doesn't have anything to do with the plot, but it's indicative of some of the issues with your dialogue throughout the script. Everyone, even Ma at the diner, sounds like they are given a well constructed speech when they talk. This is a valuable talent that you can write this type of dialogue but you have to know when to use it.
Characters
Aaron Davis (38) Gets much more description than your protagonist.
James Shephard 57
Grace 60
Captain Baxter (No description)
Fire Marshall
Chris Jenkins (what does an habitual bachelor look like)
Amy Shephard 47 (Shep's wife, soon to be ex.)
William Resnick
Structure
Crowley
Trent 28
John 46 union steward
You handle character really well in this script with the exception of Resnick. Maybe it's because he arrives so late in the script, but I never buy him as a villain or that he's been motivated to do something so drastic. I'm not saying people don't go crazy when they get fired but you have to give us more here for us to find him a credible bad guy.
Action: There are some unfilmables in your action lines.
Unaware they’re occupied by Boston’s finest - The Entry and
Apprehension Team. (How would someone watching the film now this?)
Team Leader AARON DAVIS (38). His imposing physique, dwarfed
only by a determined attitude.(How are going to film that determined attitude?)
Light streams onto the disbanded section of ancient track,
now used only for transit and police training. (Again, how would I know this by watching?)
Flashbacks. Many are against the general idea of flashbacks because they stop the forward momentum of the story, and “many” are right about that. I on the other hand find that flashbacks can add a lot to stories. Why be sly about putting in backstory when you can just show us.
I think the reason most people are against flashbacks is because people don’t execute them well. Maybe, it’s an advanced technique, but people mess up all aspects of scripts so I don’t understand this general hatred of flashbacks.
However, as well as you do flashbacks, I think you’re overdoing it. The first flashback with the drowning woman really adds nothing to this particular plot. It’s well written, but taking up valuable space that you could use for developing Resnick, or just getting to the hostage situation faster.
I would look at all the flashbacks. No matter how well you’re doing them you have to be really cautious when you move away from the main story line for ten pages/minutes.
one last thing: By the time I got the third helping of this cop-prayer it was too much, set it up once then bring it back at the end:
grant me the presence to deter
resistance, the courage to trade my
life for another...and the resolve to drop this
fucker if he gets in the way.
Overall:
I do think this is a good script, very solid. Some of the writing is inspired and you really make us feel emotion, even in the dreaded flashbacks. I think you’re on the right track and feel you’ll have success if not with this project then with some other.
read -
A review of End Times (V.2)by stevenroy on 05/07/2012End Times. Concept: The idea here isn't bad. A lot of films deal with the death of civilization via a virus, but here we are seeing what happens in the world afterwards. Other films have done this, but I don't think it's an overtired idea and this type of environment is certainly ripe for conflict, but it’s all about execution. Story: Alex lives by himself in a world mostly... End Times.
Concept:
The idea here isn't bad. A lot of films deal with the death of civilization via a virus, but here we are seeing what happens in the world afterwards. Other films have done this, but I don't think it's an overtired idea and this type of environment is certainly ripe for conflict, but it’s all about execution.
Story: Alex lives by himself in a world mostly vacant of people, mostly. While scavenging, he's attacked by three guys Sam, David, Jake, but before they can kill him he's rescued by Zeke and his mates. Zeke offers Alex to stay with them while he recovers.
Sam tells Johnny, the bad guys’ leader, about finding Alex and getting ran off by Zeke.
Elliot greets Alex, they knew he other from college. Alex convinces the others to let him stay.
Elliot and Alex immediately hook up.
Page 13. Okay, at this point a problem should be emerging for the protagonist, but I'm really not sure who the protagonist is, Alex I guess. I know that there's a problem between Johnny's and Zeke's groups, but both man seem to respect the truce, so other than most people dying of some disease there's no obvious problem emerging for the characters. Which by the way you've introduced a ton of.
Jamie, a new character, gets beat up by Johnny and his men.
Alex and Elliot decide to stay in and get high.
Zeke and Johnny meet. Johnny is clearly dominate.
Alex takes a risky trip to get some scotch. Of course he runs into Sam and his guys, but he barely gets away.
Zeke and Johnny meet again. Johnny wants Alex punishes and Elliot to watch (how would Johnny know Alex and elliot are together). After a few threats Zeke agrees. (If Zeke and his followers are so weak how do they have any territory.)
Rueben gives Alex a spot to take Elliot but he is really sending them to meet Johnny and his guys.
Alex and Elliot are having a nice date. Johnny and some guys arrive beat the crap out of Alex and rape Elliot. Rueben picks them up.
Rueben meets with Zeke and he's surprised they touched Elliot (really?)
Elliot takes her stuff and runs.
Alex confronts Rueben then Zeke, he takes Zeke's gun.
Alex goes to Johnny's territory and kills Sam, Jake and David.
Johnny goes with his gang to Zeke's hotel to get retribution. He kills three of Zeke's guys and tries to get info on Alex and says he wants Elliot. Zeke tells him where Elliot might be. They take Zeke with them.
Rueben finds Alex and they decide to get Elliot back.
Zeke leads Johnny to Elliot. They catch her then kill Zeke.
Alex and Rueben go to police station to get guns. They find Jamie who joins their cause.
Alex, Rueben and Jamie have lots of guns. They plan their attack that night (Why don't they go to Zeke's people and ask for volunteers. and why are their weapons left at the police station?)
They do a full frontal assault kill a bunch of guy and find out where Elliot is being held.
Elliot kills Frankie with a glass shard.
More fighting through the hotel. Jamie dies.
They find Elliot in Johnny's office. Elliot ends up shooting him in the stomach.
The groups separates. Johnny was wearing a bullet proof vest. He tracks down Rueben and tortures out Alex's location.
He attacks Alex and Elliot in the morning. Alex is able to choke him to death.
They bury Rueben with a nice monument.
Dialogue: I didn't notice any of your dialogue being filled with exposition. I would warn you to be cautious in making your characters sound and act a lot alike.
Look at the dialogue of Alex and Jamie when they are attacked separately. Their responses and language are very similar.
Characters: This type of script naturally has a lot of characters in the background that aren't crucial to the plot (gang members, innocent citizens) , but some like Sam, David, Jake are of mid level importance. You have to give us something to keep track of these guys otherwise a reader won't remember them when something happens to them later in the script. They'll have a which one was that again moment.
And, again, make sure characters are speaking and acting different.
Also, no one really changes in this story. Everyone is the same as they were at the beginning of the story. Character arcs and growth can be interesting.
Question, is Elliot the only female left in this world. You don't mention any others. If she is the only girl left, that would certainly make things different.
Alex
SAM-bad guy
David-bad guy
Jake-bad guy
Zeke (30) helps Alex
Rueben, Jay, Mikey all appear with Zeke
Johnny (40)
Frank, Johnny's right hand man.
Elliot,female hot, with Zeke, knows Alex
Jamie (20)
Structure. The structure here seems to really drift, and that goes back to character. Alex doesn't seem to have any goal until late in the script when he learns Elliot has been taken. It's fine if goals change but we need to know what they are as things go along.
For instance, when Alex wakes up and realizes his college crush is amongst the survivors his goal could be to woo her away from the others and this could eventually evolve into killing a bunch of guys so they can be happy and left alone. As it stands, Elliot makes this go really easy for Alex, and when things go easy there's not much drama.
Overall: One easy fix is going to be losing the "be" verbs in the action lines. I think that will immediately make things sharper.
so this: ALEX, 25, is asleep in bed.
There are beer cans and empty liquor bottles all over the
room. There is a baseball bat lying next to him.
He stirs and then forces himself to wake up and face the
day.
He sits on the edge of his bed and picks up a cigarette
packet from the bedside table. Upon inspection, he sees
there is only one cigarette left.
Would be sharper as this:
ALEX (25) sleeps on a rumpled bed. A baseball lays next to him.
Beer cans and empty liquor bottles litter the room.
He stirs and pushes himself up with a regretful groan.
He sits on the edge of the bed and reaches without looking for a pack of cigarettes. One left.
It's hard to introduce a lot of people fast on page 3 and 4 you introduce 7 people and your audience will not have an idea what these guys look like. True, that in film we can just look at their faces, but here you'll have to give us something to note their differences.
What's going to take more thought is character. It doesn't seem like there's much difference in these characters. Zeke is different but only in his ability to make poor decision and be a poor leader and push over. I think if you put more effort in to who these characters really are you'll have a much more authentic script.
I'm not sure what program you're writing in but I think every page has continued at the bottom and top. All characters and slug lines are in bold. That's not something that effects the story but it's something you'll want to correct to portray yourself as a professional. read -
A review of The Unlucky Feng Shui Masterby stevenroy on 05/04/2012The Unlucky Feng Shui Master Concept: This script is about a down on his luck furniture-mover who is given a Feng Shui compass that brings him massive luck and guides his way. He uses the compass to reshape his life, but, then when the compass is gone, he must find his own way or lose everything that he's built. It basically boils down to a guy must believe in himself to... The Unlucky Feng Shui Master
Concept: This script is about a down on his luck furniture-mover who is given a Feng Shui compass that brings him massive luck and guides his way. He uses the compass to reshape his life, but, then when the compass is gone, he must find his own way or lose everything that he's built.
It basically boils down to a guy must believe in himself to make his way and this is not exactly a novel idea and I've seen it done a lot.
Story:
Cal works with a mover with his roommate Rico. Cal is meticulous and has a gift for arranging furniture.
It's also his 29th birthday. He goes to his adopted parents' house for dinner. Alexander, Eve and Abe's real child who is a successful architect, brings the lovely Grace Hu and makes the evening about his successes.
Cal moves Ancient Master Mao stuff into a retirement home. Mao notices Cal's talents and gives him a Feng Shui compass.
Cal's luck immediately changes for the better.
Cal uses the compass at a card match against his brother, but Rico steals his hand and wins big.
Page 25 Rico notices Cal's luck has changed but it really hasn't changed that much. Cal shows him the compass.
Grace convinces Alexander to hire Cal as extra help to get the Trump contract. (I don't think interns would be working on this one.)
Cal accepts the position and starts work as Grace's assistant. Cal gets fired the first day for redesigning Alex's structure placement.
Cal and Rico take the compass to the race track and win.
Turns out the design Cal did is preferred. His brother calls him back.(it seems like his brother would have just taken credit.)
Cal returns and pitches successfully to Mr. Trump.
Trump also wants Cal to consult on some Casino property in Las Vegas.
Cal, Rico, and Grace stay in Vegas for the weekend.
Cal wins big at a casino with the compass. The guy that runs the casino wants the compass.
After an extended chase, Cal gets away with the compass, but Grace tells him it's just a crutch and throws it over the hoover dam. They get in a fight and Cal says some nasty things.
Cal and Rico look for Mao, but he's passed away. They discover Mao was the author of Feng Shui for dummies.
Cal and Rico try to get their old jobs back but fail.
Alex tries to get Cal to work on the project but he won't. He's given up.
Eva finds a photo album that shows Cal was loved as a child.
Cal struggles with the design of the park construction but then decides the park is the heart of the development and convinces Trump, with the help of an Earthquake, that he shouldn't do anything with the park.
Trump agrees and Cal goes on to start his own landscape business.
Dialogue: Dialogue is like acting. When you don't notice it, it must be pretty good, and here it's solid.
Characters:
CAL 29
Rico Romero 25
Joe the can opener 35
Alexander, Cal's brother 27
Grace Hu, 25
Eva 50 ABe 50 Cal's parents
Since this story is about Cal learning to believe in himself, you correctly have Cal in almost every scene, but I had no sense of what Cal's goal was through much of the script and, when it does become clear what he's trying to do something is always helping Cal achieve that goal rather than Cal himself. An example of this is the earthquake that convinces Trump to leave the park alone. Why not make Cal's speech about the park so good that it not only sways Trump but the audience who is experiencing it. Also, it doesn’t make a lot of sense for him to help his “brother” with his business.
I'm also not really sure what Cal looks like. YOu didn't give us much there.
Grace, Alexander, and Cal. It's also not clear when Grace and Alex stopped dating. How serious was it? You certainly don't show them end it. You do show Cal and Grace start up and this feels like one brother is stealing another's girlfriend.
Structure: The structure is fine. You seem to be hitting all the beats. I would say you vere from the main plot for two long with the chase scene of the casino guys trying to get the compass. This ultimately has nothing to do with the main plot.
Overall: This is a clean script that is technically sound. The brief action lines make it a pleasure to read. But, the characters never really pop and it was hard for me to care what was happening to them.
page nine-should be Lloyd-Wright-esque.
http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/-esque read -
A review of Rock & Waterby stevenroy on 05/03/2012Concept: First, this is a really interesting concept. I don't know if you're making the legend up or using actual native American mythology. Either way, thanks for exploring new territory and not writing about vampires or zombies. Five for concept. The bad news is you need to talk someone into giving you 100 million dollars to make this. Story: Adahy tells his infant son... Concept: First, this is a really interesting concept. I don't know if you're making the legend up or using actual native American mythology. Either way, thanks for exploring new territory and not writing about vampires or zombies. Five for concept.
The bad news is you need to talk someone into giving you 100 million dollars to make this.
Story:
Adahy tells his infant son they have a unique responsibility.
Brief shot of an ancient chaotic world. This is gods fighting over the world.
Jump 3 years, Adahy tell 3 year old Paytah of the wars between Acaraho and the god of fire.
As Paytah ages his father tells him of the war of the gods and we get brief glimpses of these battles.
Eventually Acaraho, God of Mountains, and Talisa, Goddes of Water, win the day, but then they fought.
12 men perform a ritual and Acaraho forms a Mountain, Talisa a lake. It looks like man has sealed them there.
Paytah is 18 he leaves his house as he argues with his father.
Paytah at the library stares at Jane. They walk through town and seem to like each other.
In some spot on dialogue we learn Paytah will not go to college because his dad wants him to stay in town.
Stu arrives with some others and Jane leaves to go party with them, leaving Paytah alone.
Paytah doesn't want to go in the woods any longer, but his mother says he must.
Paytah drives with his father to the wilderness. They take a secret trail to a turning area. They check the area for strange signs, especially 12 ancient trees.
At dinner Beatrice tries to bring up going to college Adahy won't have it. They have to guard the spirits.
Jane takes Paytah to a campground. Paytah doesn't know it's a new campground and the 12 ancient trees are being removed. Paytah makes a half-hearted attempt to stop them then gives up.
There are disturbances on the mountain and lake because of this but no spirit battle.
(So, I've reached the inciting incident. I like it so far, but I think you've given away too much up front. Having read just this far, I think I know too much. I know how the whole world you've created works. I'm sure the spirits will fight and Paytah will accept his responsibility to seal them back. Maybe you will surprise me, but I think I'm right and at the moment I don't have many questions, which is not a good thing. If you start the story a bit later and leave out the explanation of how the world works, there would be a ton of things to keep my interest. Why are they checking this area? What are they checking for? Why is it so important that a father would prevent his son from going to college? But, at page 17, I think I have the answers to all these questions.)
Paytah seems relieved at the trees destruction. He's free. His father proved wrong. He goes to dinner with Jane but she disappoints him by pushing him towards Meghan.
Okay, best scene so far with Paytah and his dad. Even though Paytah doesn't think the spirits are real, he knows their importance to Adahy. He knows he's spent his life caring for those trees. He can't bring himself to tell his father. (This is the kind of thing that can make us really like Paytah. This is the first scene that has some impact.)
Paytah decides to run to san francisco. As he's catching a train, Jane and the Sheriff are picking up teenagers for a camping trip, a state mandated camping trip. The introduction of the kids is a bit awkward (These group introductions are always hard). Paytah decides to join the group with Jane.
They get the campground and set up camp. When they set up the fire, some water from the lake gets on some rock from the mountain with explosive results.
Paytah tells the story of Acaraho and Talisa. He sees some stuff that really convinces him it's real.
The next day they go on the lake. Talisa takes out one of the boats.
Paytah talks to Jane about "seeing things". He wonders if he's seeing what he's been taught. He tells her he's going away.
The group goes up the mountain and into a cave.
Page 51 first death. Nadine and Emilio get oblitered by Acaraho because they were drinking some lake water.
Everyone is looking for them but only Paytah knows the mountain ate them. Paytah goes to look for his father but hid dad is in SF looking for him. He takes one of the trees but is easily deterred by the sheriff who won't let him take the tree. (At this point I wish Paytah would be more decision and not so easy to push around.)
Stu climbing on a tree breaks the link of the trees. Acaraho and Talisa start to show life in a big way.
Paytah finally fights. He makes Stu get down and joins the trees with rope.
He tells everyone they have to leave. Almost everyone refuses but the Deputy, Benny, Francine go with Paytah.
They leave by water but Talisa starts to waken. She reaches out for the moon. (some cool images here) Paytah is thrown out of the boat. Talisa tries to kill him with ice, but Francine pulls him in the boat and they escape.
As Jane realizes it's true, the others still ignore the signs.
Paytah goes home and tries to flee with his mother. His father arrives.
Paytah and his father go back to the ancient trees. It's a wild ride.
Paytah's father gets trapped in the mountain. Paytah takes the tree and leaves him there.
Though Jane confesses her love for Paytah, Paytah is going to put his soul in the tree. At the last second his father arrives and takes his place (how did he get out of the cave?) The tree grows and completes the seal. The gods are sealed away again.
Paytah takes his place as the protector of the area and Jane joins him, and she's pregnant.
Dialogue:
For instance:
JANE
Come on. Hang out with us.
PAYTAH
I have to get up early.
JANE
Youíll be the dullest kid in
college. Which one you going to?
PAYTAH
My Dad wants me to stay in town...
Perhaps heíll be okay with the
community college.
Paytah watches birds fly and stares at them longingly.
JANE
You could get into lots of places.
If you didn't live here I'd top all
my classes!
This dialogue is full of exposition. Paytah is smart and should go to college but he can't. I think it would be better if this was more subtext. If they are close friends, she should know this about him already. If she doesn't know him that well, he's unlikely to tell a hot girl he loves that his dad won't let him do something.
Also, looking at the birds flying away is a bit heavy handed.
Characters:
The key relationship here is Paytah and his father Adahy. This is just such an interesting situation to mine for emotion. At some points you take full advantage of this, like the scene when the tree gets cut down and Paytah can't bring himself to tell his father (good stuff). However, I would like to see this kid, who is half of the caucasian world, both resent and feel sorry for his father, but I would like to see Paytah more active. I was often wondering what were his goals during most of the script. Not that these goals can't fluctuate but we need to understand what Paytah is trying to accomplish.
For instance, when he's going to SF, he's pretty easily knocked off that course. I know your answer is Jane.
But, here's the thing, Jane and Paytah's relationship is not that believable, because we didn't see them fall in love, especially in regards to Jane loving Paytah. As you have it written it just doesn't ring true. I think Paytah needs to show some more heroism in front of Jane to earn her feelings at the end. Also, her being with Stu makes her unlikable. Why make Stu so horrible. Give Paytah some real competition, not a cliche to knock over.
One more note on character, Meghan just disappears with no really adverse effect. This probably means she can disappear totally.
Paytah Yarnell, protag
Beatrice, Paytah's mother.
Adahy Yarnall, paytahs dad
Acaraho-God of Mountains
talisa Goddess of water
Jane 18 love interest
Stu 18 Jane's BF
Meghan 18
Sheriff Ernsworthy 50
Campers: Emilio,Francine,Dylan, Michelle, Benny, Nadine.
Structure: I'm not a structure hound. In fact, the less I have to think about it the better. Worrying about hitting beats at key moments can suck the heart right out of a script/movie. But, what I couldn't help but notice here is that it feels like two different movies. The very first bit is spectacle, then over 50 pages of drama, and then back to spectacle in a big way for the last 25ish pages.
Overall: In my story notes, I mention that you give too much away in the beginning, but having read the entire script I think I see why you're doing this. You just can't have the spectacle at the end after over 50 pages of drama. If my guess is correct, you're giving us those images at the beginning so the finale won't be too shocking and we'll be expecting it.
I understand, but I'm not sure I agree with that take. You still have 50 pages of interesting drama before we get to the ancient god fight. By the way, I think you have enough here to write a straight drama if Adahy turned out to be mistaken, crazy, or both, but that's a different script and it certainly doesn't hurt anything to have that available in your supernatural story.
The problem you need to solve here is how do you develop the drama and at the same time make the monster-god fight at the end seem inevitable. As it stands, it seems like an interesting drama turns into a godzilla-esque monster movie (that’s not an insult). I really don’t know how you’ll bridge that gap and that’s ultimately up to you.
Lastly, I would say you’re really onto something here. It’s an interesting concept with some interesting characters with a lot of potential. I would be really curious to see where you take this one in your rewrites. read -
A review of SkaterBoys of Zombie Islandby stevenroy on 04/30/2012Concept: This is a zombie movie with the twist of a science experiment put on by the pentagon on an isolated island. In my opinion a zombie story is a hard sell. It will really be hard to do something new that hasn't been done before in the Zombie Genre, so that means you'll have to execute well and keep the movie cheap. With the number of explosions you have here, I don't... Concept: This is a zombie movie with the twist of a science experiment put on by the pentagon on an isolated island.
In my opinion a zombie story is a hard sell. It will really be hard to do something new that hasn't been done before in the Zombie Genre, so that means you'll have to execute well and keep the movie cheap.
With the number of explosions you have here, I don't think this one would be cheap. (Jets dropping Napalm) It does have some solid writing that was for the most part easy to read.
Story: The story starts out with Jeremy, Marcus and Tommy at a skate park.
There's an altercation with Alex. Marcus breaks Alex board. Alex gives chase but doesn't catch Marcus before he jumps on the ferry. Looks like they made a true enemy out of Alex.
Gilbert give Jeremy a ride home. Stacy wants to talk to Jeremy about his detention.
(We're on page 13 and not much has been set up. If it wasn't for the title I would have no idea this would be a zombie film, but the writing is solid. The tone is not Zombie-like.)
Jeremy delivers pizza's. He has some interaction with Angie. He mentions something about the Bagley brothers.
Jeremy delivers pizza to a guarded facility, the Libby House. After the Pizza is delivered PFC Hadar catches Jeremy filming the place. He gives chase but Jeremy gets away leaving his phone behind.
As Jeremy is returning from his delivery he catches the Bagley boys and alex beating up Marcus. Jeremy runs away.
Marcus gets away from Alex and beats him up as the Bagleys chase Jeremy. He locks himself in the market.
Marcus and Jeremy clean the ferry. Marcus forgives rather easily for Jeremy just leaving to get beat up.
They make plans to go back to the Libby House.
Dr. Kurish and the others are in hazmat suits and doing something.
On their way to the Market Marcus and Jeremy almost ran over by a suburban. They rush to get more memory to record the planes coming to the island.
The planes drop chemicals on the island. Jeremy and Marcus hide in a cooler to avoid the chemicals.
They watch Carl L die.
In the hangar the science people watch the effects of the chemicals with their equipment. They notice Jeremy and Marcus have disappeared.
The mist dissipates and they leave the cooler. After Marcus jokes around, Marcus goes to check on their parents, Jeremy goes to check on Angie.
Colonel Bell arrives at the airfield/hangar. We move away from the main characters too long, but it's clear something has gone wrong with this experiment.
Jeremy finds Angie. She's unconscious but not cold like the others. Marcus reports their parents are unconscious and cold. The power is out everywhere.
Jeremy saves Angie from a soldier who was going to molest her.
Page 56 first zombie attack on the ferry.(this comes way to late.)
Zombie Bert kills two soldiers at the Pizza place.
Angie can move again as her father and mother are zombies that chase them.
They end up in a suburban with Brenda who explains the chemicals were just supposed to paralyze everyone.
We learn the toxin only effects o-negative blood properly, others are turned into zombies (seems too easy to test)
Brenda brings Jeremy and Angie to the Libby house. Brenda decks Denise.
Jeremy helps out Bernie use the cameras (This is a bit sluggish)
We learn the test was about removing terrorist from populated areas.
On 74 we watch Arturo die trying to escape some zombies.
Page 78 the experiment is a wash. Operation clean sweep is authorized.
Colonel Bell starts killing witnesses.
Jeremy is looking for something and fighting off Zombies.
Alex and Marcus shoot zombies at the sheriff's office.
Jeremy arrives and uses his scooter as a bomb (I think that would only work in a movie)
Jeremy and Marcus get keys to the boat. Jeremy goes back for Angie.
He gets Angie and they try to make it to the airfield, but planes are shooting up everything trying to leave.
Turns out Jeremy can fly a plane. (this needs to be set up earlier)
The copter attacks as Marcus flees on the ferry. Denise fights them in the copter and the copter crashes in the ocean but not before it blows up the ferry.
Jeremy and the other crash land safely.
Dialogue: The dialogue was above average for the most part, but I do think a couple of times a character says something to the effect of "that's not your mother anymore". Be cautious of cliches from the genre you're writing in.
Action: Your action lines are crisp and short. This is something that you do right in the script throughout the story. I could certainly take a lesson from you here.
Characters: I think you have some interesting characters here. I think your error is that you break from the main characters too often to spend valuable time on characters (soldiers and scientist) we really don't know. In fact, you would make it a lot easier on your readers if you would cut the number of characters down. I think this would be the easiest way to make the script stronger.
For instance, the Bagley brothers, you drop them once the zombies are attacking. You could easily remove them from the script and have one really tough bully, Alex, with no detriment to your story.
You could do the same thing with scientist and soldiers. Give us one group of people and make them interesting. It was confusing for me to keep up with all the PFC's.
Structure: There's no zombie attack until page 56. That's well into the second act. I think you need to get to the zombie action a bit quicker than that. The people that are interested in this genre are typically not forgiving when it comes to watching half a movie without a zombie attack.
Overall: Your writing is solid overall and thanks for keeping those action lines so short and crisp. While this script still requires some work, streamlining the characters and starting the zombie action early, it's all things that can be fixed. It was overall a pleasant read that moved quickly
Good luck with this and future projects. read -
A review of Awakeningby stevenroy on 04/26/2012Concept: This a fantasy script so I'm excited to read it, but, with few exceptions, I don't know how successful these have been for Hollywood. I think the script would have to be really great to get someone's attention given how expensive these types of films can be to make. Most of these types of films are based on popular source material that has a built in audience so this... Concept: This a fantasy script so I'm excited to read it, but, with few exceptions, I don't know how successful these have been for Hollywood. I think the script would have to be really great to get someone's attention given how expensive these types of films can be to make. Most of these types of films are based on popular source material that has a built in audience so this is a big risk to write a Lord of the Ring-esque Spec.
Story: Trajan has brought war to his brother Nerva. The massive armies clash in front of the walls of Nerva'ath. A black and red dragon show up and rain down fire on the city.
100 years later.(but this is not indicated)
Elsie and Ree spar. Ius prepares for a journey. Ius gets a bit lost as Lucius, Nayline and Ral'gor wait on him in the heat.
Ius finally arrives and leaves his horse behind.
The four go into a ruined city covered in fog. They go to Het's Tower which is not covered in fog. Het let's them in.
Het tells Lucius to tell the King of "the awakening of the people of Nerva'ath". (The title makes sense now).
Lucius leaves the 3 young people there to train with Het.
Het trains the 3, showing he's a powerful magic user and strong fighter. Het tells the 3 they are a team.
Lucius meets the king and gives him the book and the hand. The king is affected by the sight of these two items. He sends Lucius to kill Ugo Cazes. The King seems to know more than he says.
170 year old Trajan is preparing his forces and dragons.
The 3 heros go to Nanj pass to get 3 dragon flowers. They find them. (This scenes a bit boring. I thought they would have more trouble getting the flowers)
Lucius kills Ugo as Ugo tells him he's a pawn in something larger.
Het teaches Nayline how to do a teleportation spell. Het tells Ius he will be staying.
Lucius brings Ugo's head to the king.
Het tell Ius he'll be leading the team and gives him his father's shield (Is Het Ius's father. I think so)
The others return. Ral'gor is upset he's not leader. Het gives each a vile of red liquid as a ward against spells.
The next day the 3 teleport on over to Middern to meet Lucius.
Lucius meets them and they go to graduation. The 3 graduate.
At the graduation party an officer announces Dor'gath as declared war.
Lucius leads the other to push back the assault.
Lucius and his crew are traveling with Viktir. Ral'gor doesn't get along with the brothers.
Telios' war room scene is a bit confusing. The mages are talking about things we haven't experienced. It's a bit hard to follow. Syrus and Althea meet Lucius and the crew.
Lucius and Syrus plan an offensive (I don't know if you want to spend a lot of time on the planning phases?)
The crew heads to a bar. Khav and Krul drink. Ius and Ral'gor talk about how many people they've killed.
Lucius goes on the offensive with Khav and Krul as Viktir holds the bridge with the others. (I'm not sure why the groups are divided like this or who they are fighting?)
Page 49 I'm confused. Ahlin tells Lucius he can't make the shot, then someone else called Ahlin says he can make the shot.
And, you're having someone we haven't met before do a key action while the characters we do know are at the bridge. The same is true for the battle behind enemy lines. KHav and Krul put on a display of swordsman shit while the others are at the bridge.
The battle is won and Het calls back the Three as Lucius goes to another city to help defend it.
Lucius meets the King.
The three make it to Het's castle with little trouble.
Het explains that 4 demons control the kings and that the 3 must avoid the battle field and kill the demons. (This the main mission of the story comes way too late. It's like they decide to destroy the One ring but only in the last act.Also, why doesn't Het go on this mission if it's so crucial?) He sends the others to see a merchant.
Lucius stays busy defending Thae'doss.
The Three use an abandoned mine to get to Sul. The mine is dangerous. They're attacked by giant spiders, but escape the mine. (This scene reminds me too much of the mine scene in LOTR).
Althea arrives at Het's. He tells her they have to go to the catacombs.
Lucius plans to meet the enemy forces.
The three meet Andreas. They plan to attack the castle but I'm not sure what for?
A Sulian general attacks Noldred forces. He's winning until the black dragon arrives and destroys his forces. It flies toward Sul.
Lucius gives a speech and urges his men on.
Andreas leads the 3 to the castle. They fight their way to the main tower.
Lucius and the others fight the Enemy forces.
Andreas and the three fight their way to the throne room. Andreas' fights Salaz.
Khav and Krul fight solus and kill him with the help of viktir. Lucius kills Er'gath.
Andreas dies in the fight, but Salaz is killed by the others and a black dragon.
Lucius meets with the King. They plan to meet Trajan.
The three look for shelter so Ral'gor can heal up. They plan to go back to Het.
Het and Althea find the blue-crystal sword. Het kills her with the sword.
Fade out, I guess this is a trilogy.
Dialogue: I didn't have to think about the dialogue too often, so that usually means the dialogue is natural enough. The one thing I can say about the dialogue is that it doesn't distinguish between the characters well enough. Try to use dialogue to let each character's personality emerge. You do this a bit with Ral'gor but no one else.
Characters: There are an awful lot of them, and that is in some sense necessary for this type of story, but you need to stick to your main characters doing key actions, and not introduce new characters to do these things.
Trajan 70/170 warrior
Nerva 100 Trajan's brother
Elsie (14f)
Ree (15f)
Ius (19m)
Mother, Ius'
Lucius 41, soldier
Nayline 19f mage
Ral'gor 20m warrior, depends on his strength.
Het (70) Mage
King Alistaer 55
Viktir (hooded figure works for the king)
Khav and krul, brothers who are under viktir.
Er'gath 45
Syrus (60)
Althea (53)
Demons: There are four demons influencing kings, but we really don't know their motivations at least not at this point. The bad guys like Er'gath and others need to be more developed. So far, they seem like just people to get killed by the heros.
Structure: Well, this turns out to be a trilogy so normal structure may not be as pertinent, but since this is a spec it really needs to pull people in. As it is, the story starts out as new warriors training, then it morphs into a war story, then at page 70 it morphs into a quest film for the three as other characters stay at war. We still need some goals for the three characters and you may want to introduce the Demon thread much earlier, trilogy or not.
Overall. As I mentioned previously, this is a big challenge to spec a fantasy trilogy. I would rank this as near impossible to get made and may not be the best way to showcase your skills. Mostly specs don't get made but they can get you hired to write other scripts, so you might want to start with something that isn't a trilogy, but that's just a suggestion.
With this type of script, I would think you would want to avoid anything that could possibly be related to LOTR. The scene in the mines is too similar to the scene in the mines from LOTR. I would rethink this scene to come up with a different way to Sul. I wouldn't even use ogres. You should come up with your own creatures to draw distance between yourself and your influences.
There are a lot of characters that are introduced, Elsie and Ree as an example that we never get back to. Being that this is a trilogy, you may plan to get back to them, but just something to be aware of. You also seem to start a subplot with Nayline's parents being taken then never mention it again. She seems quite unaffected throughout the rest of the story.
The second act gets bogged down a bit with people planning battles and moving from place to place and characters waiting for things to happen. I would stick closer to the main characters and let us SEE them being heroic. Often they win the day too easily.
I think it would also be helpful if you do more to set up the battle between Er'Gath and Lucius. We really don't know Er'gath when they finally fight. A bad guy to root against is an important as a sympathetic hero.
Hope this helps on rewrites. I enjoyed the story so far. read -
A review of Lost Angelsby stevenroy on 04/25/2012Concept: After messing up a job, Death is sent back to Earth to live as a mortal and to fix the things he's broken. An interesting concept but we've seen movies like this before, so you'll have to really execute to make this script shine. Let's check out the story. Story: DEATH picks up an old man who has just died. Death explains people create their own realities in the... Concept: After messing up a job, Death is sent back to Earth to live as a mortal and to fix the things he's broken. An interesting concept but we've seen movies like this before, so you'll have to really execute to make this script shine.
Let's check out the story.
Story:
DEATH picks up an old man who has just died. Death explains people create their own realities in the afterlife. In this case, Heaven.
Death goes to an after life tavern. Chris has been fired and replaced by the Undertaker. (copy write issue)
Death explains that he's getting tired of the death-gig and wouldn't mind becoming mortal. The conversation ends when Death gets beeped to go pick up Jewel.
Jewel dies from drowning death is there to pick her up. Jewels thinks they've met before. Death tells her her twin awaits her in heaven, Jewel is happy but then resuscitated by the life guard.
Flashback of Daniel's death. The twins have some psychic power of predicting the near future.
Jewel's sad she didn't get to die and see Daniel.
Jewel confides in her mom.
Death and Lou talk about how Death let Jewel come back to life without wiping her memory.
Death visits GoD and he gives Death one more chance
Lou visits Jewel and convinces her to commit suicide. Jewel takes a bunch of pills with booze.
Death arrives and begrudgingly does his job. He explains to Jewel that she can't be with Daniel because she committed suicide ( I thought you chose your own reality?). Death realizes that isn't fair and helps her come back to life.
God banishes Death to earth to be a mortal as punishment.(this is not a very big punishment as Death seemed to be considering doing this anyway).
Death arrives on Earth as a mortal and appears disoriented (this is confusing because he goes to earth all the time. Seems like he would function better.) He can't figure out where he is and gets in a fountain. (Was he Death or a baby?)
He runs into a Latino gang. They beat him up when he doesn't have any money. Death tells Ramon he knows what happened to Alejandro and who killed him (Cortez). This saves DEATH from getting killed but he passes out there.
Juan, one of the guys from the gang, come back for him later and gives him a ride. Death tells Juan how his daughter died. He gives Death a ride to his destination-Burger World.
Turns out Lou runs Burger world, busy guy. Death doesn't even know how to eat burgers, but that's not as hard to believe as Lou running burger joints.
Lou gives Death his card to get some clothes. Death wanders around the mall in amazement, buys stuff and gets some pizza.
Death runs into Juan at the food court (L.A. is just a small town.) Death tells Juan mother in law how Pedro died.
Death begins work at Burger World. Lou fires Henry to make a spot for him.
As Death is working Juan brings in a crowd of people who have questions about how love ones died. (Are there so many people who don't know?)
A large crowd is waiting by the time Death leaves the fry pit. Death helps most of them then get in a car with Lucy.
She takes Death to meet her friends. Death explains again you make your own reality in the after life, unless you're Jewel.
Death and Lucy in up in bed together but just sleeping. Death has a crush on her but they're just friends.
They arrive at burger world to find hundreds of people waiting on Death. (really there's that many people in LA that don't know how love ones died?)
Lou lets Death deal with the people because it's attracting business, but after helping some people Death decides he doesn't want to do this and Lou sends him to find Jewel. (It took way too long to get back to Jewel. I'm going to predict we never see Lucy again.)
Death meets Jewel at a coffee shop and agree to see each other again.
The conversation from page 80~82 between death and Lou seems more like you figuring out what the script is about.
Again, I'm unsure why Death can't do simple things like shave. I know he hasn't had to do it in a while but probably easy enough to remember.
There's a second mall scene where Death tries on cool clothes this time (that's two too many mall scenes for my taste)
Jewel and Death go for mini golf. Jewel seems comforted by Death's presence. She still thinks she knows him from somewhere.
They go to Jewel's place and talk about her brother. Death ends up staying the night with Jewel.
Death is elated the next morning then meets Death 2.
Death meets Lou and Lou gives him a hard time about having sex with Jewel. Death gets too drunk and then gets sick.
Jewel picks up Death for a movie and is upset that he's drunk.
Jewel doesn't like Death's explanation of why he's with her and throws him out.
Good twist making them in Hell. Other things make sense now.
Death tells Jewel that they are choosing their own hell. He tells her to choose happiness.
The last page shows that Death has gone back to his old job, but I don't get how Jewel is an old lady now if she was in Hell. Seems like she would just go to heaven and be with Daniel once she decided to be happy.
Characters
DEATH:
Chris (aka Santa)
Lou (the devil)
Jewel Duvaul 25 mortal
Daniel, Jewel's twin that died at 8.
Lucy-Goth girl burger world employee.
Dialogue:
Too often the characters speak in long speeches. Check out the scripts for your favorite movies and compare your lines of dialogues to theirs. With these long speeches you'll really slow down your script.
This is an example of where the dialogue is doing nothing. It's like we are watching you figure out what to write. This type of dialogue should get removed during edits.
JEWEL (CONT'D)
So...
DEATH
Yeah. So...
JEWEL
What do you want to talk about?
DEATH
I dunno. What do you want to talk
about?
JEWEL
I don't know.
There's a long awkward beat.
Structure: The story starts with a large block of text in which you get into way too much detail. What takes a page here should really take just a quarter page. Remember a screenplay is a blueprint for a movie, not the actual movie.
The plot diverges away from the main plot as Death tells people how their love ones died. It takes too long to get back to the main plot of "fixing" Jewel and you introduce characters like Lucy who just fall out of the script. Does Lucy just stay in hell forever at BurgerWorld?
Overall: Almost all aspects of this script need a lot more work. While your twist at the end is very interesting, it doesn't make up for some of the mistakes you made:
Action is over described. You should be brief and to the point. Don't cover every detail.
Remove scenes that don't provide drama or that can't be written to provide drama. For instance, trips to the mall to buy clothes. Don't show characters figuring out or talking about what to do. Show them taking action.
Dialogue should be short and crisp except for key points in your script when points are being made. When you show characters not knowing what to talk about you're really showing us that you don't know what to write.
Characters: Focus on your main characters. Stay on track. You introduce Lucy only to totally drop her from the script. Don't let you characters go off on side projects.
You have some great ideas and some good writing skills. You just need to stay on topic and work on being brief and concise and you'll be on your way.
read -
A review of August Grassby stevenroy on 04/24/2012Concept: I love sports but this hasn't translated into me loving sports movies. These movies are hard to pull off due to the number of characters involved so it's hard to develop the characters as a whole. I think these types of stories have a built in difficulty factor that requires near perfect execution to pull them off successfully. Well, let’s check out the execution... Concept: I love sports but this hasn't translated into me loving sports movies. These movies are hard to pull off due to the number of characters involved so it's hard to develop the characters as a whole. I think these types of stories have a built in difficulty factor that requires near perfect execution to pull them off successfully. Well, let’s check out the execution.
Story: Jim is a long time Gunners fan, but not a fan of the drunk coach.
As mini camp begins Matlock is drunk again, Dylan, the owner, wants to fire him and replace him with someone from outside.
Dylan watches Matlock run mini camp drunk then later haves him in the office to fire him. I think you could get more drama if you combine these two scenes. Getting fired is dramatic, getting fire in front of your team by a livid owner is even more dramatic. You could also show the teams reaction to this and bring in a lot of emotion.
Jim tells his team to work hard and stay out of trouble. DICE tells him about Matlock getting fired.
Jim and his wife discuss the firing. He gets the call for the interview.
Ron and Dylan discuss the hires, Dylan decides to bring in Jim for an interview in spite of Ron's warnings.
Dylan interviews Jim. I have to say I wasn't believing a high school coach would ever get a chance, but Jim is very convincing here, but it's still pushing my verisimilitude. Maybe if Ron plans for him to fail and they can get the coach he wants a year later with good draft picks. If you added something like that, you'd have me all in.
Dylan offers him the job over Ron's protest.
Jim hires his brother as O coordinator and ART as defensive coordinator. (Don't know if he would have this sort of power, what about his brother and a defensive coordinator who was disgraced or something, could bring more conflict to the table.)
Jim visits Dice. He turns out to be a famous ex-player (Wouldn't Jim already know this). He offers DICE a job. If he was so good at football, why didn't he have him helping out his high school team?
Otis and Charlie talk. Otis has the right attitude (It starts with you). Lyle Williams thinks a high school coach is a joke.
Jim and Lena talk. Jim mentions he's having bad dreams about Vietnam.
There's a practice that doesn't go great. Otis tells people to get it together in the locker room.
April and Ron have lunch. Ron wants April to convince Dylan to fire Jim. She flatly turns him down. There's not much going on in this scene.
Lyle continues to be defiant. Jim handles this by challenging him to a weightlifting contest. Jim wins the match, but he hasn't won Lyle's respect yet.
The training is getting a bit repetitive.
Jim cut Robbie an OT for steroids.
Jim takes the team to a bad neighborhood. Gives a good speech and has them help out at a Homeless shelter ( I was hoping he would make them practice in an empty lot, that would be visually cool. The neighborhood could wake up and be amazed)
Ron and Lyle have joined forces.
charlie runs in to Mason. Mason's story is very similar to Dice's story.
Ron tries to get April on his side again.
Dice has it out with Lyle (I'm wondering why they don't just cut or trade him).
They go through preseason without a win, in fact the performances are ugly.
Ron and Lyle continue to meet. Jim sees.
The Gunners lose their first game. Lyle throws the game with stupid penalties. I'm not sure why April doesn't tell her husband about Ron?
Lyle throws another game and Jim releases him.
With Lyle gone things come together and they start to win games.
They get in the playoff with home field advantage. (too easy). They breeze through the playoffs and make the Superbowl.
During the Superbowl they have a lot of adversity, but I would have liked to have seen the adversity over the season. After the first 3 loses it's smooth sailing.
Dialogue
The speeches by Jim are awesome, very inspiring, but some of the dialogue between characters is a little too spot on and filled with exposition. An example of this would be on page 43 with Mason explaining how he became Homeless. Not only is this too similar to Dice's story, but it feels unnatural.
Characters
JIm (50)
Lena (49) Jim's wife.
Dylan Lang 65 owns the Gunners
Steve Matlock current head coach of Gunners
Ron Hart 62 GM of Gunners
DICE homeless guy Jim is friends with. He turns out to be Dan Childs an ex-player.
Linda (60) secretary for Dylan
Charlie Britt (QB)
Otis Steele (LB)
Lyle Williams (27) Wide out
Stan 24 special teams
Ernie 23 cornerback
Pete Thomas rookie LB
Rich Zalinski 40's
ARt Bucci
April, Dylan's wife.
Jake, special teams coach.
It's not easy to pull off strong character in a film that MUST include so many characters. One of the problem characters was Ron. I'm not sure why he feels the need to make Jim fail. He starts off thinking Jim would fail, and they start off the season 0 of 3 so I'm really not clear of his motivations.
Otis is a great character but he's so perfect that he doesn't have an arch. Maybe, he should have to learn to believe in others and the rookie linebacker could reward that with the interception at the end of the Superbowl.
April doesn't really do anything with her knowledge of what Ron is doing, since this never comes into play I think you could cut those scenes without any harmful effects. I'm also not sure why she wouldn't tell her husband about this.
Jim’s link to Vietnam also seems like a non-factor. I would drop it as in this type of film I think you need to remain tightly focused on what the movie is about. In this case, a football team.
Overall
I think you could make things more tense by having the team squeak into the playoffs. As it stands there's really no tension until the Superbowl and then they are facing a team we hadn’t seen since preseason.
Not every scene is dramatized. What I mean by that is sometimes characters are just talking. Please look at every scene to make sure you're maximizing the drama. Think about those two scenes where Dylan watches the drunk Matlock then fires him in a separate scene. I think if Dylan shows extreme emotion and rashly fires his coach in front of everyone at practice you would have a better scene.
You set the time with a paper showing the Clean Air Act, I would just show that on the TV since Lena is already watching TV.
Overall a fun read, quick read that needs a bit more work.
Typos:
Page 19 waste should be waist. It happens again, do find and replace for that spelling error.
There are other typos late in the script so watch for those. read -
A review of Spindle (rev. Formerly "No Rest")by stevenroy on 04/19/2012Spindle by Lydia Mulvey Okay, here’s your free will review. There’s a lot in here and I hope you can find some of it useful. The story: Mike Hamilton murders the man he thinks raped and murdered his wife. He stays at his home for the police to pick him up and doesn't resist as they arrest him. Two years later: Eva Thompson is established as a nurse. Mike is in solitary... Spindle by Lydia Mulvey
Okay, here’s your free will review. There’s a lot in here and I hope you can find some of it useful.
The story:
Mike Hamilton murders the man he thinks raped and murdered his wife. He stays at his home for the police to pick him up and doesn't resist as they arrest him.
Two years later: Eva Thompson is established as a nurse. Mike is in solitary confinement.
We learn that Eva has a sister, Charlie with severe Asperger's, who is at Green Acres care home and Eva is two months behind on her payments for the care.
Mike is brought to the warden and given the opportunity to participate in "test" with Dr. Peterson. Mike accepts with the chance to get out of prison early.
John Phillips kidnaps Eva and her little sister Charlie. They are taken to the island research facility with Mike (Mike doesn't mind two women were kidnapped?). Mike learns the previous subject died.
Eva wakes and gets offered a job by Peterson. (I think they could do this without kidnapping her. Since she needs money for Charlie and if they offer to cure Charlie I could see where she might participate in unauthorized human trials.) Or, they could have gotten just any nurse. There's no reason specified for them to single out Eva. But Eva does agree after Dr. Peterson convinces her she doesn't have much of a choice. Eva also is in charge of supplies.
Mike and Eva meet briefly. Eva gets an tracking implant put in.
Eva brings Mike food and he's a bit cold to her.
Charlie's treatments start. Mike gets an implant in his head and gets injected with nano bots.
We cut to Amir in the desert, hiding. Mike is able to track him somehow and Amir is captured.
Peterson gives Phillips a girl to "Play" with. Turns out Phillips is a serial/rapist killer. (I don't know about this)
Mike experiences some side effects from the nanobots, no sleep/nose bleeds.
Phillips starts to take a creepy interest in Eva. Eva then conveniently finds the body of the girl Phillips killed.
Mike takes over Harry Gordon and makes him have a homosexual one night stand with Tony. Lots of pictures taken.
Charlie shows marked improvement.
Harry kills himself since he is ruined.
Charlie continues to improve and eat a lot. She reads and can recall everything.(At this point I'm wondering why Peterson is doing anything illegal and teamed up with a serial killer. He could make billions with this technology.)
Phillips brands Eva with a heated blade. (When a crazy man starts heating up a blade to glowing, don't just stand there.)
Eva decides to escape. She drugs the guards and Mike, Charlie, Eva escape rather easily as Peterson and Phillips arrange the next job.
page 70 we meet Murray who helps take care of Mike. Murray seems more interested in cake then how Mike got out of prison, but Murray takes care of him.
Eva and Charlie are on the run and staying in a hotel. Charlie starts to feel bad.
Peterson and Phillips arrive back at the facility to find everyone gone.
As Eva has a long conversation with a little girl that has no bearing on the plot, Phillips tracks them by the nano-bots in Charlie and re-kidnaps them.
Mike is recaptured and Phillips tells that he was the one that raped and murdered his wife, and set up the other guy Mike killed.
Mike tries to escape but collapses.
Back on the island Mike is in bad shape. Charlie is reverting back to her catatonic state. Eva agrees to help them if they will complete charlie's treatment.
Phillips gives Charlie a treatment as Mike's brain gets mostly fried. They're left without a subject so make Eva do it. She agrees because they release Charlie and Mike.
Eva takes the nanobot serum and uses a tall man to commit a terrorist act. Tallman goes boom.
Charlie and Mike are at Murray's. (I'm very surprised that Charlie and Mike have been released. Seems like they know too much, and why don't they go to the police or the press. It seems like the evidence would be in their heads.)
Charlie displays to Murray that she can control people with just a touch. She gets some money from the bank and controls three different people outside a cafe. Charlie has also become a super hacker and hacked Peterson's computer. Charlie convinces Murray they will intercept and defeat P&P at a presidential ball.
Charlie uses her power to burn out Phillips's brain and she also touches the President to have him take down Peterson.
Charlie, Mike, Eva, and Murray are seen together and it seems things will be okay once Eva's brain recovers.
The concept: A scientist develops a way to control people remotely with only a sample of their DNA with nanobots. These nanobots can also cure severe autism and presumably Alzheimer's and brain injuries and strokes.
The problem with this technology is that you could become a billionaire without doing anything illegal. In fact, you could win a nobel prize and have people throwing flowers in front of you when you walk. So, I don't think it makes sense for people to use this technology for evil acts unless they had some underlying ideology that made them want to bring down the system. Phillips and Peterson don't seem to have any ideology, although Phillips is a serial killer/rapist who also just happens to be funding Peterson's research.
This is only part of the problem. Some of things the characters do simply aren't realistic (P&P letting Mike and Charlie go). This is a sci-fi story with some amazing tech on display. We can suspend our disbelief for that, but when characters don't act realistically just to drive your plot forward things unravel and you're no longer maintaining the illusion. HP Lovecraft (one of my heros) said when crafting a sci-fi/fantasy story you have to use the same care as if you were trying to pull off a hoax. Here there are too many plot holes for the hoax to be believable.
Character:
Phillips and Peterson (their names are way too similar) and their motivations need to be rethought. As it currently stands they could just cure brain disease and have fame and billions of dollars. Their motivation has to be more than money as they could obtain this in bulk through legal means. I think it would be possible to even combine these characters into one mad-scientist. Phillips as a rich, serial killer who funds the project is especially problematic. I just don't buy it.
Eva: This lady has problems when the script begins. She can't afford the care for her sister and can't take care of her by herself. As Eva is a nurse this could possible be the means by which she is seduced with money and a promised cure for her sister. As it stands, I just don't buy that you could kidnap someone and get them to be a nurse for you with any level of trust. I would assume they would be constantly trying to escape. With their means, it seems like P & P could get someone to do their illegal human trials. I would say you would make that person Eva, a person doing something she knows is wrong for all the right reasons, to save her sister. Then, she could be torn when she realizes what she got herself into and that P&P are bad guys.
Mike: Okay, it's believable that Mike would sign up to get out of prison early. I might do that myself. But, when he sees the two women unconscious on the plane to the island and doesn't really say anything, it's hard to care about him after that. I think he needs more work too as a good man who has done bad things and looks for redemption.
Charlie: She's probably the easiest character to root for, but she transform from being catatonic to being the hero of the film in the final act without really a hint of her special powers before. A hint that she can control people earlier is definitely needed.
Murray: He's a nice guy but does appear late. At least show him earlier, possibly at Mike's side when the police arrest him.
There's an overall problem with your characters. They're not making decisions. Even when they succeed it's due to the mistakes of others. For instance, P&P leaving the island together so they could get away very easily. Have them make more hard decisions, have them make good decisions to get them out of trouble. As it stands, it's up to Deus Ex Charlie to save the day.
Dialogue: The dialogue is okay at times, but then drifts into to much exposition. Especially fat blocks of dialogue in which Peterson is telling Eva how everything works. Like a good bad guy he should conceal this. Eva and Mike should have to piece it together. Get a couple of friends to act some of this out and I think this will come into focus for you.
Structure: This is way too long. I think shortening the dialogue would help, but at this point so many other key things need to be rethought that it's really not a priority.
First Ten Pages: When I read the initial action blocks I was blown away, so I see the power your writing can have. But, none of your characters really make any key decisions in the opening 10 pages or have some goal that makes us curious. I was pulled in more by your style than the substance of your script. I don't know how hard you worked on this script, but, after seeing glimpses of what you can naturally do, I'm beginning to think you just haven't worked hard enough on it, certainly not to your ability.
Overall: The goal of all of us here is to get a film made. I think this has a few rewrites before you have a chance of that, but having read the script I don’t doubt that you’re capable.
Best of luck with this and future projects. read -
A review of Dark Matter (revised)by stevenroy on 04/13/2012Concept: This story seems to be meant for young adults and is in the vein of Harry Potter. This concept has a lot of potential, but I don't think it's well thought out at this stage. The rules of the world aren't established early enough for the audience to learn the rules. Having completed the script, I'm still not clear on the rules of the world you created and readers won’t... Concept: This story seems to be meant for young adults and is in the vein of Harry Potter. This concept has a lot of potential, but I don't think it's well thought out at this stage. The rules of the world aren't established early enough for the audience to learn the rules. Having completed the script, I'm still not clear on the rules of the world you created and readers won’t learn what Darksome was trying to do until the last act, and even then we don’t know why he wants to get to the lightworld.
Story: The story begins in "The Dark Realm" Dinge is trying to do something with mannequins.
It doesn't work so he goes to see Freddie the vendor of the screwdriver. He gives Dinge a stronger screw driver.
Dum and Dee pull Dinge into an alley. Darksome (main bad guy) tells Dinge to stay out of the subway. He has Dum and Dee rough up Dinge. Dinge escapes to..our world?
Dinge helps Star pick up some documents (her boss is a jerk) and gives her a ride on his rusty vespa. She gets on the back easily.
They go to pick up Lume, her brother, who is being bullied by Tommy. Dinge does some magic and Tommy ends up in his underwear.
Star invites Dinge to dinner. He declines.
After Dinge finds his fridge empty, he goes to Star's for dinner. We learn Star's parents are dead. She makes pancakes.
Dinge tells her he creates illusions and that he can control Dark Matter. Dinner is ruined due to a bad magic trick.
Dinge takes them to the Dark Realm (Really?) He let's them watch as he programs some Junkos (Junkos and how they are used are one of the things that could use more development).
Darksome arrives and explains he's using the souls for batteries. Dinge wants to just leave but Star tries to get the souls. Dinge helps her and they get the bag of souls as Dinge holds off the henchmen with "black widows". ( I find it odd Star asks questions here).
Darksome finds a gold locket with a photo inside.
Dinge gets Star and Lume out of the Dark Realm.
Mr. Thomas fences with Star as he gives her orders.
Dinge sells stuff at the Old man's magic shop, then visits Star.
Star wants to go after Darksome. Dinge does not agree, but Star easily convinces him.
All go to Dark Realm (I find this a little implausible). They walk around the market, meet Freddie.
they go to Dinge's and make a tool out of Mr. Thomas' saber.
They go to Darksome's lab to free the souls. Darksome arrive. they run; Darksome and henchman chase. Darksome can turn invisible.
The trio flee to the zoo. The chase continues. Dinge opens a doorway and they end up in underground Seattle. Darksome follows. Dinge opens a door to Dark Realm and they in up at the dark Burlesgue show. The trio escapes to Light-world.
Dinge looks for Earthware to find a way back to Seattle? They are told to seek out old man Riley at his shop Anomalous.
The trio goes to Anomalous. Old Riley tells them to take the subway. They are chased again by kiro's master and guards.
They trick the guards and get on the subway and return to Dark realm. Darksome is waiting on them and captures them.
Darksome explains his whole plan to Star and Lume trapped in glass as Dinge escapes the henchmen. He tries to break out the other two but can't break the glass.
Dinge goes to Freddie for help, but gets none. Darksome explains he's prepared for Dinge to return so he can kill him.
Dinge retrieves a wolf pup from the zoo. He gets the pup and security guards chase him.
Dinge returns to dark realm as the wolf grows rapidly.
Dinge arrives back at Darksome's lab. The wolf attacks Darksome as Dinge tries to free the other two.
The trio and the wolf get away as Darksome's lab blows up.
Darksome is deformed by the blast and the souls. He pursues and Dinge fights him, but Star eventually kills Darksome, seemingly.
Darksome comes back again and is killed with lightning.
The trio become a successuful magic show.
Dialogue: The dialogue is way to “expostiony”. Darksome is very forthcoming about his evil plans, and spends more time giving away his plans than doing evil.
DARKSOME
If everything works, these
batteries will power this doorway
to the Light Realm. An unfortunate
side effect of the whole process
will be your deaths by acid.
You could avoid doing things like this by showing a scene in which Darksome does a test of the machine or something like that.
Characters: The characters need more clearly defined motivations. I didn't buy that Dinge would take Star and Lume to the Dark Realm so easily. I didn't buy that she would want to return there to free the souls. I think they both need better reasons to do these sort of things. Dinge is portrayed as a reluctant hero but easily gives in to Star.
The relationship with Star and Dinge isn't believable in its current form. They need to do more to earn each other's love. Don’t tell us they have feelings for each other show us why they should.
Dinge 20 protag
Freddie Vendor of magical objects
Darksome antag
DUm and Dee, Junkos/henchmen.
Star 18
Lume 10
Cabbie
Mr. Thomas, Star's boss
Structure
Old man, runs a magic shop.
Kiro 6
Overall: This was a fun and easy read, but the constant chase scenes didn't leave much time for the characters to form relationships, so when they express love for each other it falls flat.
I think the biggest problem right now is that the rules of the world, umm 3 worlds, aren't established. You should establish the rules of the world early then don't break them. As it stands, every time the trio gets in trouble there is some convenient bit of magic to get them out of it and the audience is left struggling to keep up. For instance, London, the wolf, is introduced way too late, especially since he grows rapidly. It gives the impression you're making this up as you go along instead of bringing us to a carefully constructed world. read
Comments About stevenroy 14
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macaggiano on 05/13/2012
Hey steven, thanks for the review of 13-Romeo. I really appreciate it, you obviously spent some time on it. I've noticed how solid your reviews have been, keep up the good work.
Mike -
rjsilva on 05/11/2012
Steven, thanks for the kind words in your review on SKATERBOYS of ZOMBIE ISLAND. I like writing dialogue and I have a couple of friends that help me read it aloud, it helps. The reason my action seems short and crisp is from reading SPs and feedback here on Triggerstreet. I'd like to accept the credit but it really has very little to do with my ability and more with getting a community education. Thanks again, Ron -
Howie428 on 05/05/2012
Thanks for your great detailed notes on "Rock & Water". You’ve given me a lot to look at.
The mythology in this is entirely made up by me. I took the view that if I make it all up then I have more flexibility with what I can do with it.
I see that you estimated the budget of this at $100 million which is way over what I’ve been thinking. I devised this to be a low budget studio movie and have been thinking that $30 million would cover it. For most of the story there are no effects, the locations and cast are contained, and the effects are mostly things that don’t interact with the characters. Apparently “District 9” was considered low budget for many of these reasons.
It’s interesting that you spotted the way this script relies on drama for much of the story before it goes big for its finale. That’s what I was going for. I’m a big fan of the 1970s-1980s movies that were structured that way and this script is my throw back to that. That approach works well because it lets you work with the characters, keep the budget down, and send people to the parking lot happy. -
Craig Rosenthal on 05/05/2012
Hi Steven,
great you found time to review the first draft of the Unlucky Feng Shui Master. Your notes will help make the next draft better.
Craig
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Mdubz on 04/26/2012
Great review thank you! Can you it rate it too? Thanks again -
Darkmisery on 04/17/2012
Thank you for your in depth review of Dark Matter. -
stevenroy on 03/29/2012
easywriter55 wrote:Thanks for your remarks on "Oh No, Not My Family". I’ll definitely consider implementing some of your suggestions.
I don't know if my particular notes will help, but I think you'll be just fine if you continue writing. You seem to have some talent :) -
easywriter55 on 03/28/2012
Thanks for your remarks on "Oh No, Not My Family". I’ll definitely consider implementing some of your suggestions. -
snony on 02/07/2012
Hey Steven,
My own screenplay Liam and Theo has a tragic, unhappy ending, and I've had some criticism for it, even though it's based on a true story. Some people, it seems, would like a movie about the Titanic where it doesn't sink. The crowd-pleasing happy ending is the norm, but be true to your vision - unless a producer turns up at your door and says "I'll give you a truckload of money but you have to change the ending..."
Thanks for answering my query about CLOSE ON. I just thought it looked neater than INSERT and was thinking about using it in future.
Best
Tony -
lizzayn on 09/14/2011
Hey! Things are good. No new Lovecraft work but I'm kicking a few other ideas around :) Hope things are good with you.
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Comments About stevenroy 14
-
Quote
Hey steven, thanks for the review of 13-Romeo. I really appreciate it, you obviously spent some time on it. I've noticed how solid your reviews have been, keep up the good work.
-
Quote
Steven, thanks for the kind words in your review on SKATERBOYS of ZOMBIE ISLAND. I like writing dialogue and I have a couple of friends that help me read it aloud, it helps. The reason my action seems short and crisp is from reading SPs and feedback here on Triggerstreet. I'd like to accept the credit but it really has very little to do with my ability and more with getting a community education. Thanks again, Ron
-
Quote
Thanks for your great detailed notes on "Rock & Water". You’ve given me a lot to look at.
+ more commentsmacaggiano on 05/13/2012
Mike
rjsilva on 05/11/2012
Howie428 on 05/05/2012
The mythology in this is entirely made up by me. I took the view that if I make it all up then I have more flexibility with what I can do with it.
I see that you estimated the budget of this at $100 million which is way over what I’ve been thinking. I devised this to be a low budget studio movie and have been thinking that $30 million would cover it. For most of the story there are no effects, the locations and cast are contained, and the effects are mostly things that don’t interact with the characters. Apparently “District 9” was considered low budget for many of these reasons.
It’s interesting that you spotted the way this script relies on drama for much of the story before it goes big for its finale. That’s what I was going for. I’m a big fan of the 1970s-1980s movies that were structured that way and this script is my throw back to that. That approach works well because it lets you work with the characters, keep the budget down, and send people to the parking lot happy.