sturner

Hell of a Ride

by sturner on 04/20/2012

This is a damn-good script, very fast-paced and the writer obviously put a lot of effort into these pages and takes his craft seriously. It’s not normally my favorite genre, but I enjoyed the story and pretty much read it all in one sitting. Here are my running notes: Pf 1 - Aaah, it’s so nice to see a well-formatted, clean and clear, well-written screenplay. Thank you... read

All the potential, not enough pay off.

A review of The Professor's Widow (Rev. f.2)

by sturner on 09/18/2006

First, it's always nice to get assigned a Muhlfelder screenplay because I know I'm not going to have to worry about structure problems, typos, and I'm assured a quality story. And (I'm trying not to sound too much like a shill here) I seem to learn something new every time I get assigned a Muhlfelder script. To my comments... Biggest complaint - Isabel wasn't a character,... First, it's always nice to get assigned a Muhlfelder screenplay because I know I'm not going to have to worry about structure problems, typos, and I'm assured a quality story. And (I'm trying not to sound too much like a shill here) I seem to learn something new every time I get assigned a Muhlfelder script. To my comments...

Biggest complaint - Isabel wasn't a character, she was an object. You know what you doing, so I assume this is intentional, but I'd have rather had some dialogue that gave her depth and also made Victor pop out of his skin. You set her up from Spain (I assume, since her plane is headed for Madrid) and Spain has nude beaches, so a quick, throaty line about how she's not used to tan lines would be enough to put any 14 year old into a tizzy. Also, I wanted more than one meeting before Victor completely lusts after Isabel. Tease him a little bit. Maybe a few fleeting glimpses, Victor thinks he saw an angel. Even better would be if his 'hero complex' comes into play and he almost gets to save her, but is too awestruck to move.

Need a better setup how EVERYONE in town seems to know Isabel. Yes, she's just a professor's wife, but it's pretty hard to reach near-celeb status (even in a small town) without some sort of event. Maybe she's got a backstory - former supermodel, she did the TV weather in a bikini back in Europe - we just need something more than what we have. Actually, since it's a comedy, go for the innane - someone nominated her for homecoming queen and she actually won, even though she's not a student.

I work at a large University, so I kept waiting for it to hit home and I'm afraid it never really did. In this story, all the women are old bitties whose husbands teach at the University. While there's some of that, more often than not professor's wives are also intellectuals and also work for the University in some capacity. Both my wife and I both work at the University and I can easily rattle off a dozen couples where both the husband and wife work at the University. Having Sarah work at the University as well would go a long way toward realism, in my eyes. One nitpick - there are no permenant chairpeople. Being the next chairperson of a department would be a big step up for anyone and a definite CV builder - so just have Tom be assured the chair for as long as Fisher is the Dean, but not a permenant chair.

I found much of the dialogue amusing, but not over-the-top-funny. I was waiting for you to ramp up the dialogue with relation to the intellectuals. Maybe use my above suggestion for Victor's parents. Have them both be psychology professors at the University and constantly musing about the psychosis of their son, but both more interested in observing than actually taking any action. That'd be funny - at least in my eyes.

One formatting comment. It looks like you played with the margins. While I know everyone does it, I think you went an eighth of an inch too much on the top margin. I know the importance of keeping within the length guidelines - and you're right on target for the genre - but is it better to be long and not so obvious? - or is it better to stick with the rules? I'm not sure the answer (probably a question to bring up in a forum) but thought you should know your slip is showing.

Other comments...

The Barry and Isabel resolution was telegraphed from the start and it's not a bad thing - just hope you know.

I like that Brandt lives with his mom - very nice touch.

You MUST find a way to get the words 'hottie emeritus' into the dialogue.

How did Isabel get to stay? I must have missed it. You brought up that she was going to be forced out of faculty housing, but then this tension source was dropped suddenly.

From your production notes, it sounds like you've heard it before and also sounds like you toned it down, but I didn't care for Tom's turn. Yes it was true-to-life, but it just didn't seem to fit into the rythm of the story or the genre of a comedy.

So, while I've given enough comments to change the entire tone of the story, I really did enjoy reading this. It's another well-written script from a good writer and I wish you all the best. read

Like Minority Report on crack

A review of IF AT FIRST (revised)

by sturner on 09/15/2006

Wow, it's going to be hard to write a review after so much circling, cycling, different universes, and dimensions, but I'll try my best. Overall I really liked this story. The characters (or should it be character?) was intersting and I was able to feel for his situation in every step of the story. Also the slapstick at the end was very visual and would make for on-screen... read

Lassoed

A review of A Wandring Star (revised)

by sturner on 09/14/2006

I'm going to sound like a lot of the reviewers on my latest script - but I didn't think I was going to like this story and ended up being (excuse the pun) roped into it. The writer has a vivid imagination and the combination of Roswell, aliens, and cows showed a great deal of creativity. The writing was strong, and some of the dialogue, particularly in Jack's letters to Prudence,... I'm going to sound like a lot of the reviewers on my latest script - but I didn't think I was going to like this story and ended up being (excuse the pun) roped into it. The writer has a vivid imagination and the combination of Roswell, aliens, and cows showed a great deal of creativity.

The writing was strong, and some of the dialogue, particularly in Jack's letters to Prudence, showed a great deal of talent. I love how the airship taunts Jack - like a Moby Dick ala Ahab obsession. Also, I don't recall seeing a single typo throughout the entire piece and I can only thank you for that level of detail. I also thought Aaron was a good antagonist, a young man who takes no responsibility and nothing is his fault.

A few things, however...

There were a few instances of telling, not showing. Remember than an viewing audience won't read your script, so how do you 'show' these lines...
'He's turning one hundred today and the prospect seems to be weighing heavy on his soul.'
'He's an ATTORNEY, though you can't tell without his clothes on.'
But there were really only these two lines that I caught, and those can be easily changed. I would definitely change the first one, as it's within the first ten pages and many professional readers won't go any farther if they find something within the first ten.

Another thing I didn't care for was that the Alien characters arrived so late in the story. I understand the need for us to question Jack's santity and then to know that Jack wasn't crazy - and I'm a big fan of a late reveal - but the aliens became central to the story later and weren't introduced until about page 60. Could you give us a character of a 'disembodied voice' in the early part of the story, one that gives insight into Jack's character? That would solve this problem and add some intrigue early in the story. This is just a suggestion - and one you may want to take at your own risk because some picky readers will accuse you of doing a narrative voiceover, which is a big no-no in many circles.

One thing - I don't remember learning why the aliens were rustling cattle. Was there a reason?

Also the German sheriff is a good character, but I wanted the Sheriff and the aliens to meet. I imagine the conversations would be titillating. I actually thought the Sheriff might be an alien - or the aliens had some connection to Freud.

Overall, good job, interesting story and I thank you for the engaging read. read

Let us pray...

A review of Father Max Rev. 2

by sturner on 09/07/2006

I found this story engaging and very well-written. I also thank you for the effort you put in, it’s a relief to see something in the correct format with a minimum number of errors. This was also informative, I wasn’t aware that there were so any other prisoners in the concentration camps, other than those of Jewish persuasion. I’m actually very interested to see how much... read

fantastic read

A review of Killing Engine 509

by sturner on 09/14/2005

This was an extremely well-written story. I liked how you created a 'dusty' tone and sprinkled in 50s references. The dialogue seemed true enough for the times and the characters were portrayed extremely well. You also did a great job of showing Andy's lust for July from the start and it was easy to believe that he'd follow her through hell and high water. I don't normally... read

Needs straightening

A review of The Acle Straight

by sturner on 09/07/2005

Overall this screenplay was okay and had a decent (though complex) premise. It moved with a fast pace, the story was easy to follow and formatting was okay for the most part. This looked to be a decent first draft from a new writer and you should feel good about finishing a screenplay. However, there are a great deal of problems that need to be addressed before this is... read

very gordian, though ultimately lacking

A review of The Personal Assistant

by sturner on 07/27/2005

It's such a relief to see a screenplay on this site that is properly formatted and actually looks as if it's you ran a spell-check on it before submitting. I thank you for that. The writing was strong and you've got great control of your craft. You've built some extremely interesting characters - the parents, Raleigh, and Eddie were especially compelling. I enjoyed your... It's such a relief to see a screenplay on this site that is properly formatted and actually looks as if it's you ran a spell-check on it before submitting. I thank you for that. The writing was strong and you've got great control of your craft. You've built some extremely interesting characters - the parents, Raleigh, and Eddie were especially compelling. I enjoyed your transitions, with the voice-overs before moving to a new scene. Those transitions set a great tone - and one very befitting this story. They also had the effect of keeping the story moving, something (unfortunately) I think you needed in this story.

My main problem with this story was that everything seemed lazy. While I saw that the main focus of the story wasn't necessarily to solve the case, I wanted more effort in that regard. I wanted Ben to put forth more effort when going after Lime. He didn't seem to try very hard with any of his jobs at the beginning. He spends time with Eddie doing nothing. He didn't seem to put forth much effort on his date. What does he spend all his time doing? If he's watching TV, show us. If he's sitting around twiddling his thumbs, show us. I had the feeling that a lot of time passed, but didn't have any idea what Ben was doing with his time. If you're shooting for a character study, I want to know more about the character. Having a lethargic main character just doesn't make for a movie.

Also, very little was explained or concluded. Why did Ben drop his friends, the married couple? What was the point of showing them later in the story? How did Ben meet Eddie? I understand that Lime is unstable and wouldn't stand for trial, but wouldn't Ben want to do *something* to avenge Elizabeth? Especially since he's got some sort of cosmic connection with her?

I also think you could do a lot to shorten the introduction. I don't think we need to see Ben growing up, just some simple markers in his house would have the same effect of the extremely long intro. Actually the early scenes didn't give me as much insight into his character as seeing his parents in action.

The part that really alientated me as a reader was when Ben tried cocaine. He doesn't seem to have a reason, other than boredom. Having that scene set a whole new tone and made it a very different story. Of course it's good that he dumped it immediately, but that scene wasn't necessary. I'd have rather seen him try Tetris, which has the same addictive qualities.

All in all, you've got some good scenes, but most of this just wasn't the story it could have been. I'm afraid I can't make many suggestions, but I wish you luck and would enjoy reading another story by you, one with a different premise and lead character. read

I think I've seen this movie...

A review of Penny Elfin

by sturner on 07/26/2005

I had a difficult time finishing this story - and generally this is the genre I enjoy. There were some imaginative parts - elfs walking on ceilings and modeling lingerie - but overall this seemed like a lot of other movies pasted together. Certainly the movie 'Elf' comes to mind and the movie 'The Santa Clause.' Please don't take this review too harshly, it's quite an accomplishment... I had a difficult time finishing this story - and generally this is the genre I enjoy. There were some imaginative parts - elfs walking on ceilings and modeling lingerie - but overall this seemed like a lot of other movies pasted together. Certainly the movie 'Elf' comes to mind and the movie 'The Santa Clause.' Please don't take this review too harshly, it's quite an accomplishment to finish a screenplay, but I offer my review as some things you may be able to fix...

First off, it takes 29 pages for Penny to leave the north pole, which is about 19 pages too long. This set-up takes entirely too long and leaves the audience wanting something to happen. You can set her up as unhappy and a misfit in five pages, then have her slighted by Santa in another five, then her desire to leave the North Pole is better justified and understood. You also need to set up that she's extraordinarily pretty, so the model thing is more realistic.

I didn't like that she made it as a model simply because she's an elf. I wanted her to make it in modeling on her own merits, then some drama could develop when the world finds out she's an elf. Maybe she struggles before the reveal - right now it's all way too easy. She gets a mansion after two modeling gigs?

I think the best drama in this story came when Jerry set up Penny as the new holiday icon. I think this should have happened by about page forty or fifty - maybe even earlier. This really raises the stakes and is a good story line. If you have Penny jilted by Santa early in the movie, then her motivations could be better understood.

The reveal that Penny is half-human is way too short. There's no drama, there's no explanation and Penny hardly reacts. If this is a major part of the character, she needs to take this news harder. Maybe she could look around LA and see the nasty, horrible things that humans do and see more of herself and who she is in other people. If you combine this reveal with the story line that she's taking Santa's place as a holiday icon, you've got some real drama and a nice character. You could even make this more significant by having her something of a racist who hates humans, then finds out she's one.

Santa calling Jerry a terd and punching him isn't right for this movie. If you use an elf to do this, it might be more in character and a great deal funnier. Actually I would suggest that Jerry has a bodyguard, some monstrous muscular guy, and the elf cracks his knuckles and whips the bodyguard soundly and then goes after Jerry.

The whole 'you just have to believe' premise to fix everything that's wrong has been way overdone. Penny needs to find a better way to fix the mess she's made. And I would suggest starting with mass-media rather than a police car loudspeaker.

There were also a LOT of spelling mistakes and word misusage. If you're going to post something for others to read, I would at least suggest a spell-check. I would also suggest capitalizing Christmas. You'll want to get rid of the scene directions (Cut to:, ect), some directors find it presumptious that a writer gives these kinds of directions. Also need to watch your instances of 'telling' rather than showing. Remember than a viewer isn't going to read your screenplay, so when you say 'How could this elf know where her bunk is situated?" or "The walls seem to breathe" you need to find a way to show that rather than tell it. Also don't use 'we' in action lines.

The last sugguestion would be with character names. While I see that you wanted to show Penny Elfin as very different, having characters named Tangle, Zangle, Tingle, Jingle, and Kringle, makes it very hard to keep them straight. I'd also suggest renaming Mrs. Santa to Mrs. Claus. If you're married, I don't think your wife will want to be called Mrs. Daniel.

Overall I think you've got a strong base and something to work with, but I'm afraid this screenplay needs quite a bit more work. Good luck. read

masterfully done

A review of FIFTY-LOVE (REV)

by sturner on 07/15/2005

Not generally my genre and country music is not my first choice (but also not my last) - but I thought this story was extremely well put-together and a easy, quick read. You did a great job on limiting the characters and locations, while drawing them both dynamically and clearly. These are things that will win you major kudos with producers. The dialogue was some of the best... Not generally my genre and country music is not my first choice (but also not my last) - but I thought this story was extremely well put-together and a easy, quick read. You did a great job on limiting the characters and locations, while drawing them both dynamically and clearly. These are things that will win you major kudos with producers. The dialogue was some of the best I've read on TS. No problems with formatting or style.

The only plot point I want to suggest on has to do with Dunk and Maggie's quick courtship. Dunk seems to fall for her after only one real date. I think you need an extra scene with Maggie and Dunk (other than their date) where we see them socializing and becoming close. As it stands, they've got one date and Dunk is head-over heels. Now, I also see the problems with this. If they have more than one date, then Maggie is a real heel when she goes after Harris. A suggestion would be to set up Harris as if he has something that she needs, but then you run the danger of casting Maggie as a user. My suggestion would be some sort of impromptu meeting - a grocery store for example. You can do a lot with that sort of setting so that each character gets to know one another and the audience gets to know them as well. This is only a suggestion - this sp is extremely well done and could easily stand on its own, but in the name of constructive criticism...anyway, my two cents.

A couple of typos that I caught:
p3 "Maggie removes dead rose from a vase" - should be removes *a* dead rose. I'd suggest fixing this ASAP, it's within the first ten pages and may not give the first impression you're wanting to give.

p80 "I've got to save the roses?" - shouldn't be a question. I'm sure you meant it as an exclamation.

Two suggestions:
First, I'd suggest giving Maggie more time than six months after her husband's death. Six months isn't a whole lot of time to recover from losing a husband of twenty years.

Second, (spoiler alert!) I kept waiting for Dunk to pull out 'Back in the Saddle' for Maggie's sake and actually expected it at their wedding. You've done all the necessary set up, I'd suggest it as the pay-off.

Overall, a great job, a great pace, well written, and I wish you all the best of luck! read

TriggerStreet

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MarkZak26 on 04/21/2012

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Submissions by sturner

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