"Snow" or, "Slipknot" or, "A Death Rewritten" is a story about an Atlanta man named David Jacobs who has unresolved... more
talfier1@comcast.net
I received my MA in Liberal Studies from Dartmouth College in 1995. I specialized in Fine Arts (mostly drawing and painting but also some 3D conceptual pieces) and Creative Writing (mostly short fiction). I have a BFA degree in Communications Design (Ad...
Bio
I received my MA in Liberal Studies from Dartmouth College in 1995. I specialized in Fine Arts (mostly drawing and painting but also some 3D conceptual pieces) and Creative Writing (mostly short fiction). I have a BFA degree in Communications Design (Ad Design) from Kutztown University of Pennsylvania. I write short fiction mostly although I have written some non-fiction, longer fiction and screen/teleplays. I have many projects in various stages of development. I am planning to apply to MFA programs (or possibly a PhD. program) in Fine Arts or Creative Writing. By the way, Dartmouth College has an excellent MA in Liberal Studies program that has a Creative Writing track for those interested in receiving a degree that is both rigorous and rewarding. The program at Dartmouth, while it has changed since I was a student, has become more "writer friendly" in recent years.
Submissions by talfier1@comcast.net
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Genres: drama
Reviews by talfier1@comcast.net 37
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A review of Dollfaceby talfier1@comcast.net on 08/28/2009Mr. Wheeler's story is the start to a longer work. The beginning seemed more like it was part of her imagination than the supernatural. I am not sure I see the supernatural there at all. The second part merely hints at the possibility of the supernatural rather than anything concrete. I think the doll needs to be more of a character. Then you will really be going closer to... Mr. Wheeler's story is the start to a longer work. The beginning seemed more like it was part of her imagination than the supernatural. I am not sure I see the supernatural there at all.
The second part merely hints at the possibility of the supernatural rather than anything concrete.
I think the doll needs to be more of a character. Then you will really be going closer to the edge of reality. So far all I can see is that you are talking more about her imagination and maybe wish fulfillment than the supernatural.
I am not sure if the businessman would react like that if that was a real situation. Maybe he would be scared but I am not sure he would worry about his expensive clothes if she is being attacked or followed like that.
The old guy seems more like a guy from central casting. He seems like more like a humorous character in a "Twilight Zone" episode than a strong, original character.
There are some grammatical issues also.
When emphasizing words you do not need to put them in all caps.
The police not going to "that area of town" for a domestic disturbance doesn't seem like it is based in reality. Police are obligated to go there especially for a domestic disturbance. All areas of a city are covered in some way by a police department whether it is in a local, county, or state jurisdiction.
I hope this has helped.
Tom
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A review of A Dangerous Mindby talfier1@comcast.net on 08/27/2009Mr. Garry's story is a good start to a longer work. I think that the story could go deeper into the main character's disturbed mind. Maybe include an internal monologue rant in his apartment. I am not sure if there is a chance for "hope" in his mind if he is killing like a machine or puppet especially if he is killing his friends and relatives. If there is a concept of right... Mr. Garry's story is a good start to a longer work. I think that the story could go deeper into the main character's disturbed mind. Maybe include an internal monologue rant in his apartment. I am not sure if there is a chance for "hope" in his mind if he is killing like a machine or puppet especially if he is killing his friends and relatives. If there is a concept of right and wrong in his mind then I think that he would not want to kill his friends. He must feel obligated from the start and really not question "his reality". He would probably be more paranoid or feel an obligation to kill rather than having hope through the questioning of right and wrong. I guess I feel as though he is past that stage. People who are experiencing a mental breakdown like this seem to have no idea that they are committing the crimes. If they do realize that they are committing crimes, it seems as though they are more interested in "their concept of reality being right" than hoping they will stop killing or hoping that they will "stop listening to the voices that tell them to kill". In their mind, their concept of reality is manifested through actions. I see a disparity between the two at this point.
There are some mistakes with grammar and such that should be addressed.
What caused the "acrid wisps of smoke"? The gun? If so, is "acrid" the proper word? The smell of gunpowder doesn't seem acrid to me. It has a smoother smell like smokey salt or something like that. The smoke from a gun is almost in a way like the smell of gasoline. Both have an odd but interesting odor even though they do not smell the same. I am not sure if they are "acrid" though. I would use more of a descriptive voice than a "judgemental" word on the smell itself.
Anyway, I would study some people who have had similar problems. Watch the shows on those who have had mental problems and have been mass murderers. I am sure you will see people who are convinced of their plight no matter how absurd it may seem to you and I. Also, psychopaths have no guilt. The only guilt they have comes after they have been caught. Then the remorse is not for the victims but for their own stupidity resulting from their errors after being caught by the police.
Stalkers at times are so wrapped up in their world that you cannot see any hope in their ways. Their logic seems skewed to say the least. John Lennon's stalker wanted to take over and be John Lennon. He thought by killing John Lennon he would be recognized as John Lennon. I know that this character is not a stalker per se, but there are some similarities. The urge to kill is there. The "Son of Sam" believed that his dog was telling him to kill. This seems illogical to us but to him it was real enough for him to commit the crimes. I think the criminal mind is more complex than is being presented here. I would do more research on mass murderers and specifically those who have experienced a nervous breakdown.
I hope this has helped.
Tom read -
A review of Clickety Clickby talfier1@comcast.net on 08/27/2009I have no problem with experimental works but this seems more like a filmic, "Burgess-esque" character study than a story. I may be wrong but I got very little "story" from your submission. The writing obviously is unique in approach but there is little use in the way of explaining your little verbal "quirks". There are some punctuation errors and a few other problems from... I have no problem with experimental works but this seems more like a filmic, "Burgess-esque" character study than a story. I may be wrong but I got very little "story" from your submission. The writing obviously is unique in approach but there is little use in the way of explaining your little verbal "quirks".
There are some punctuation errors and a few other problems from a technical standpoint.
I really don't get any feeling of anything for the characters. As I said before it is more about character description than anything else. There are references to people but not much else other than the narrator stating if there is love or hate for another character.
I am not sure if this has helped.
Tom read
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Submissions by talfier1@comcast.net
Reviews by talfier1@comcast.net 37
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A review of Dollfaceby talfier1@comcast.net on 08/28/2009Mr. Wheeler's story is the start to a longer work. The beginning seemed more like it was part of her imagination than the supernatural. I am not sure I see the supernatural there at all. The second part merely hints at the possibility of the supernatural rather than anything concrete. I think the doll needs to be more of a character. Then you will really be going closer to... Mr. Wheeler's story is the start to a longer work. The beginning seemed more like it was part of her imagination than the supernatural. I am not sure I see the supernatural there at all.
The second part merely hints at the possibility of the supernatural rather than anything concrete.
I think the doll needs to be more of a character. Then you will really be going closer to the edge of reality. So far all I can see is that you are talking more about her imagination and maybe wish fulfillment than the supernatural.
I am not sure if the businessman would react like that if that was a real situation. Maybe he would be scared but I am not sure he would worry about his expensive clothes if she is being attacked or followed like that.
The old guy seems more like a guy from central casting. He seems like more like a humorous character in a "Twilight Zone" episode than a strong, original character.
There are some grammatical issues also.
When emphasizing words you do not need to put them in all caps.
The police not going to "that area of town" for a domestic disturbance doesn't seem like it is based in reality. Police are obligated to go there especially for a domestic disturbance. All areas of a city are covered in some way by a police department whether it is in a local, county, or state jurisdiction.
I hope this has helped.
Tom
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A review of A Dangerous Mindby talfier1@comcast.net on 08/27/2009Mr. Garry's story is a good start to a longer work. I think that the story could go deeper into the main character's disturbed mind. Maybe include an internal monologue rant in his apartment. I am not sure if there is a chance for "hope" in his mind if he is killing like a machine or puppet especially if he is killing his friends and relatives. If there is a concept of right... Mr. Garry's story is a good start to a longer work. I think that the story could go deeper into the main character's disturbed mind. Maybe include an internal monologue rant in his apartment. I am not sure if there is a chance for "hope" in his mind if he is killing like a machine or puppet especially if he is killing his friends and relatives. If there is a concept of right and wrong in his mind then I think that he would not want to kill his friends. He must feel obligated from the start and really not question "his reality". He would probably be more paranoid or feel an obligation to kill rather than having hope through the questioning of right and wrong. I guess I feel as though he is past that stage. People who are experiencing a mental breakdown like this seem to have no idea that they are committing the crimes. If they do realize that they are committing crimes, it seems as though they are more interested in "their concept of reality being right" than hoping they will stop killing or hoping that they will "stop listening to the voices that tell them to kill". In their mind, their concept of reality is manifested through actions. I see a disparity between the two at this point.
There are some mistakes with grammar and such that should be addressed.
What caused the "acrid wisps of smoke"? The gun? If so, is "acrid" the proper word? The smell of gunpowder doesn't seem acrid to me. It has a smoother smell like smokey salt or something like that. The smoke from a gun is almost in a way like the smell of gasoline. Both have an odd but interesting odor even though they do not smell the same. I am not sure if they are "acrid" though. I would use more of a descriptive voice than a "judgemental" word on the smell itself.
Anyway, I would study some people who have had similar problems. Watch the shows on those who have had mental problems and have been mass murderers. I am sure you will see people who are convinced of their plight no matter how absurd it may seem to you and I. Also, psychopaths have no guilt. The only guilt they have comes after they have been caught. Then the remorse is not for the victims but for their own stupidity resulting from their errors after being caught by the police.
Stalkers at times are so wrapped up in their world that you cannot see any hope in their ways. Their logic seems skewed to say the least. John Lennon's stalker wanted to take over and be John Lennon. He thought by killing John Lennon he would be recognized as John Lennon. I know that this character is not a stalker per se, but there are some similarities. The urge to kill is there. The "Son of Sam" believed that his dog was telling him to kill. This seems illogical to us but to him it was real enough for him to commit the crimes. I think the criminal mind is more complex than is being presented here. I would do more research on mass murderers and specifically those who have experienced a nervous breakdown.
I hope this has helped.
Tom read -
A review of Clickety Clickby talfier1@comcast.net on 08/27/2009I have no problem with experimental works but this seems more like a filmic, "Burgess-esque" character study than a story. I may be wrong but I got very little "story" from your submission. The writing obviously is unique in approach but there is little use in the way of explaining your little verbal "quirks". There are some punctuation errors and a few other problems from... I have no problem with experimental works but this seems more like a filmic, "Burgess-esque" character study than a story. I may be wrong but I got very little "story" from your submission. The writing obviously is unique in approach but there is little use in the way of explaining your little verbal "quirks".
There are some punctuation errors and a few other problems from a technical standpoint.
I really don't get any feeling of anything for the characters. As I said before it is more about character description than anything else. There are references to people but not much else other than the narrator stating if there is love or hate for another character.
I am not sure if this has helped.
Tom read -
A review of Butterfliesby talfier1@comcast.net on 08/27/2009Of the three stories I have read by you this was the best. I thought you might want to reconsider the title though. Maybe you could use the last three words in your story... "The Grasping Sea". I think that would be a very good title. I like how the main character, in the end, rips up the letter. I think there is a good insight into human nature there. It does seem as though... Of the three stories I have read by you this was the best. I thought you might want to reconsider the title though. Maybe you could use the last three words in your story... "The Grasping Sea". I think that would be a very good title.
I like how the main character, in the end, rips up the letter. I think there is a good insight into human nature there. It does seem as though he is more mature for his years.
It seems as though the more pages you have to work with the better the story. The longer work (20 pages) seems to be a good length for your stories.
A few technical issues... After the state is a comma... "Cordova, Alaska, in August..."
Watch for cliches... "laid eyes on" It is OK in dialogue but I am not sure it is as effective when the narrator says it, unless of course, that is the narrator's voice.
Also on page one... "and there she was" is not necessary.
Page 5 "flabbergasted" Is there a better word?
Page 7 "her self" should be "herself"
I am not sure "boner" is a good word to use.
These are just a few detailed things I noticed.
Overall the story was very good...
I hope this has helped.
Tom read -
A review of Checkmateby talfier1@comcast.net on 08/12/2009This is a good start to a work that could be expanded upon. At this point I would say that you could really build up the drama more. You did a good job of leading up to the ending but again I think you could expand it. The ending, at first, (when you said Alzheimer's) made me think this was a jerk but then as I finished the story it had a good twist. This story reminded me... This is a good start to a work that could be expanded upon. At this point I would say that you could really build up the drama more.
You did a good job of leading up to the ending but again I think you could expand it.
The ending, at first, (when you said Alzheimer's) made me think this was a jerk but then as I finished the story it had a good twist.
This story reminded me of a combination of a Nicholas Sparks story and an O. Henry story.
One thing that you may want to look at is the abbreviation of chess piece movements. Someone who plays the game would know what the chess pieces are doing but a novice may not understand it. Just a suggestion to look at maybe considering a different way to approach it. Also, any abbreviation should always be written out the first time.
Overall a good effort.
I hope this has helped.
Tom read -
A review of A Vanishing Breedby talfier1@comcast.net on 08/07/2009Mr. Klee's story is a good start to a longer work. The story seems to be coming from the point of view of a prostitute "superhero". The dialogue at times seems forced and at times is good in a more modern "hard-boiled" way. Some times the dialogue seems clever and sometimes not so clever. One other problem is that it almost seems like a feminist manifesto at times rather... Mr. Klee's story is a good start to a longer work.
The story seems to be coming from the point of view of a prostitute "superhero".
The dialogue at times seems forced and at times is good in a more modern "hard-boiled" way. Some times the dialogue seems clever and sometimes not so clever.
One other problem is that it almost seems like a feminist manifesto at times rather than a story. I am not saying that prostitution should be legal or that it is not degrading to women but I think we need to be shown rather than have it merely stated. It sounds at times like you (or Jade) are standing on a soapbox. Maybe that is the goal here. I am not sure if the superhero angle is your ultimate goal but I am sure it is a different point of view that may be explored.
Maybe a continuation of the story would show that the prostitutes are either beting killed or enslaved.
I would also do another grammar check.
I hope this has helped.
Tom read -
A review of ' I'm Not Deadby talfier1@comcast.net on 08/04/2009Overall, I think you have the beginning to a very good story. I like the "cold, rainy summer morning..." it creates a mist or fog doesn't it? I know it at least has an effect on the atmosphere and that is a big part of the story. Give us more atmosphere in the beginning. Maybe at the end the sun burns off the mist or fog... more use of atmosphere and weather as a metaphor... Overall, I think you have the beginning to a very good story.
I like the "cold, rainy summer morning..." it creates a mist or fog doesn't it? I know it at least has an effect on the atmosphere and that is a big part of the story. Give us more atmosphere in the beginning. Maybe at the end the sun burns off the mist or fog... more use of atmosphere and weather as a metaphor would be nice especially when talking about apparitions.
I believe that we need to see more of your descriptive voice. I am from the Delaware Valley (just outside of Phillipsburg, NJ) and so I know Bethlehem well. I would like to hear more about setting and the places you go to in the story. Is there anything interesting that Bethlehem has to offer to improve upon the story? Or is it just something you have mentioned in passing to give us an idea of where the story takes place geographically? Bethlehem can be interesting from the standpoint of place. There are many areas that have row homes and such and then there are areas with older money and ivy covered walls. I would love to see more of Bethlehem as a place (maybe even as a character) integrated into the story.
Watch the cliches.
Overall a very good effort. I hope this has helped.
Tom read -
A review of Olive Trees in the Airport - Rev1by talfier1@comcast.net on 08/03/2009Overall I think this is a good start. I have a big problem with the grammar and other things that make it hard to read. I want to concentrate on the story but I am too busy looking at the punctuation, grammar and use of cliches... I seem to see many of the same mistakes as I am reading stories on this site... 1. Comma inside the quotes... "I'm finally here," sighed Muntaser..... Overall I think this is a good start. I have a big problem with the grammar and other things that make it hard to read. I want to concentrate on the story but I am too busy looking at the punctuation, grammar and use of cliches...
I seem to see many of the same mistakes as I am reading stories on this site...
1. Comma inside the quotes... "I'm finally here," sighed Muntaser...
2. Where is the Golden Mean in the fins of an airplane? I am lost here and I am an artist so I know what the Golden Mean is. How is it of any significance here?
3.Is the word "Arab" politically correct?
4. If it sounds like a cliche it probably is a cliche. Stay away from them...
5. No CAPS... the emotional content should stand on its own...
6. Why do you use a Dash??? - "OK, Muntaser..." This is just a new paragraph.There are numerous dashes and they are not needed before the different ideas.
7. Also remember when to make a new paragraph...
8. Anytime there is an abbreviation like AIPAC spell it out the first time. If you use it again then you can use the abbreviated form... I still do not know what AIPAC is...
9.If you want to represent internal monologue italicize it. No need for bold either. Just italics.
10. Redundancy... "...was easier to travel with ease." Why not just "easier to travel"?
11. I am not too sure that the airport security would talk that way regarding his religion. Maybe I am wrong but I think he would have a good case if he took it to court...
12. Page 14 - "Halliburtonm Cheney,"... is not a sentence.
13. Would he really feel sorry for them??
14. There is no need to fade off by making the typeface smaller and smaller...
Overall itis not bad but you need to really re-read it and make many changes...
I hope this has helped...
Tom read -
A review of Cynthia's Songby talfier1@comcast.net on 08/03/2009While I think this is a good story, I had a problem reading it because of so very many grammatical errors. When I am reading, I want to read and not say to myself... this is redundant or there is a usage problem here. There is nothing wrong with using slang in dialogue (as long as it is part of the character's persona), when it is used by the narrator (unless that is clearly... While I think this is a good story, I had a problem reading it because of so very many grammatical errors. When I am reading, I want to read and not say to myself... this is redundant or there is a usage problem here. There is nothing wrong with using slang in dialogue (as long as it is part of the character's persona), when it is used by the narrator (unless that is clearly understood that the narrator is just that way), it is problematic.
Page one: 1st paragraph says form should be from...
also "sorta" should be "sort of". The very end of page one... shouldn't it be "his" daughter?
On page 2 "labyrinthine maze" seems redundant. The labyrinthine hallway or labyrinthine set of cubicles seems closer to what you are trying to say. A labyrinth is a maze for the most part right?
Overall you seem to jump back and forth between sentences that are well written and then to the use of slang.
ON page 6 you say, "actual, real people - ..." Redundant?
Also, "tired of" maybe "lost interest in"?
There are a few cliches in the story also.
Page 10... I "am" not, not, I "as" not...
Page 12.. Looking at Cynthia "now," maybe just... Looking at Cynthia,...
What is "CT"? If you only use it once you should spell it out. If you use it more than once after the first time you can use "CT".
Page 13 I miss her "too" daddy, not "to".
Page 14 "white on rice" cliche...
Page 15 it's residents should be its residents...
Page 16 The philosopher F. Nietche said, "God is dead..." but through one of his characters...
This world; the system... I am not sure I would use a semi here...
This is not necessary... Goooooooooooooooodddddddddddddd!!!!!!!!!!
God! is all that is needed.
Page 17... "Funnily enough..." First I don't know if the word "funnily" is proper here. I am not saying that all "shrinks" are geniuses... but I would worry if he or she was using me as a medication depository or a lab rat until he or she got the meds "right". Most will get the meds right... usually the meds are an improper dosage or there may be an improper reaction but usually they get it "right". (I would hope!) I guess I have had a ton of experience here (I didn't have to take meds but I know people). I am somewhat protective of the mentally ill so I read those parts carefully. Again, maybe he or she did get the wrong meds but it is not as likely these days.
Also, I am wondering about the father's suicide... Was it a suicide or did the government set it up to look like one?
Wouldn't he maybe sign it as "dad" rather than John Kyue?
I hope this helps.
Tom read -
A review of As You Wish Itby talfier1@comcast.net on 07/28/2009Ms. Reidy's story is a good start. The prose in the beginning creates a good picture of her world. This would be a good start to a longer work (novel or novella). This part was predictable. Maybe you can continue but with a twist... Maybe King Arthur does take her to his land but maybe that is only the beginning. Maybe he has her go through tests to prove that she is really... Ms. Reidy's story is a good start. The prose in the beginning creates a good picture of her world. This would be a good start to a longer work (novel or novella). This part was predictable. Maybe you can continue but with a twist... Maybe King Arthur does take her to his land but maybe that is only the beginning. Maybe he has her go through tests to prove that she is really in love with him and not just trying to escape reality. Maybe it would be a good reversal where the woman is not necessarily guaranteed his love. Maybe she is not really ready for the reality of his time period. It would definately take some research. You would need to know about that time period to make it seem real.
Or maybe the story could continue with the pizza boy going there too. You would have to have him thinking that she is more than just his "best customer". Naturally, you would have to make the pizza boy and Sandy compatible as lovers in age and looks, etc. Maybe the book is the portal to this land. Maybe he challenges King Arthur for her love. Maybe they both find that that time period is not for them and they end up falling in love and going back to their own time. Maybe both have to go through tests to get back to "reality". Just something to think about because at this point I would only say that this is an average story that could be a good or even great novel.
On a more technical note... "it's" and "its" are not the same. I think on page 7 you are using the wrong one. Dinner is on "its" way... and skirt of "its" burden;... You have "it's" the contraction for it is...
Also, I will say that you use too many cliches... I find cliches in nearly every story I have read on this site.
When you have new dialogue you have to make a new paragraph. Also, the punctuation almost always goes on the inside of the quote when it comes to dialogue. See page 5 at the top. New paragraph on page 5 at "An old couple..."
Also, wouldn't a woman who works and lives in the city have a pair of sneakers for walking? I know I would. Maybe she forgot them that day but I was thinking I would have a pair for sure.
Anyway, good luck with this. I hope this has helped...
Tom read
Comments About talfier1@comcast.net 13
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missmaughan on 12/02/2009
Thank you for your review of Origination of Being. I agree with you that it is a rough draft at best. I do need to add some more element. I hear often that I should ad characters. I'll be working on it. There will be another copy that is much better. Just needs some patience. :) -
Mike Wolfson on 09/03/2009
Hi Tom,
First & foremost, many thanks for the review of A Novel Affair. I appreciate the time you’ve taken to list the grammar errors. The story was posted last year, and after talking to several other TS members I ordered The Elements of Style, which is helping me tremendously.
Now on to that Proposal Review. I have no objections to a negative review. I think ‘A Novel Affair’ received at least three, but all three went on to tell me what they didn’t like, and why the story failed for them.
The issue I do have with your review is that you haven’t been constructive. You haven’t mentioned character, you haven’t mentioned dialogue. Is the dialogue unrealistic? Are the characters wooden?
I’m also unclear on why you’ve made some offensive remarks. All I’ve done is write a story, so what exactly is it that I need to get out of my system? This is a term we use in England when somebody has a festering issue burning away inside them, and they need to talk to someone to get over the problem. I can assure you I don’t have any problems.
Secondly, why the cheap shot at the end about the hooker? Why would I want to use one? The act at the end isn’t anything to do with sexual gratification, it’s an endearing unpleasant act, to try and ease someone’s discomfort……that’s exactly what love is.
Can you give me a valid reason not to HOJ your review?
Did you miss something? I’d like to think, Yes. The Proposal’s credits are gone, it’s only at this stage that the true ranking position of the story becomes apparent….it’s ranked at 13. I’m proud of that.
Reading between the lines, I get the impression that you believe a story told in this style, has no place anywhere. The deliberate reason for my approach was an attempt at taking a stereotypical cliché, turn it on it’s head, and push the boundaries in an extreme exaggerated way.
My next submissions will probably be more mainstream.
Please be assured that if your work comes my way, it will receive an honest and fair assessment, and will not be biased in any way as a result of your review. I’d also have no issues, if you were to review other works of mine, but please be constructive.
I too apologise, and I hope you have a good day.
Mike
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**DELETED ACCOUNT** on 09/02/2009
Thanks for your review of Shrink to Fit. That line is a bit too on-the-nose. Will try to rework that so it is less preachy. Thanks! -
jwest on 08/28/2009
Hiya, thanks for reading and reviewing Clickety. No problem, it is only a snippet, and the voice is the camera, so yes, not really story - as traditional such. And was written as a fun challenge. Thanks tho.
Have a good weekend. :) -
mnjones on 08/28/2009
Thank you for reviewing Butterflies. Your comments and suggestions were right on target and greatly appreciated.
Mike -
Erin Reidy on 07/31/2009
Whoops! Yep, it was. I'm a little loopy after my root canal, not paying enough attention. No, I just wanted to say thanks for the review, for your thoughtful comments. Thanks for reading it!
Erin -
AlCielo on 07/22/2009
Thanks a bunch for the Annotated Edition review--you're the first person who has gotten the entire joke. It's nice to be appreciated (even for such an obscure trifle).
I've got some free will reviews to do, but I'd like to read and review Snow (the concept sounds great), so if you'd like an extra perspective, please leave me a comment on my page in a couple of days. -
**DELETED ACCOUNT** on 07/20/2009
Thanks for reading and reviewing THE CADUCEUS. No, your review and your opinion were not off the mark at all. I thougt you raised several valid concerns and questions, all worth considering. I appreciate your time and energy, as well as your point of view. Have a grand day! Tom -
Leemanchee on 07/16/2009
Hello again. Thanks for the review of 'Sam and the Night Jester'.
Again a very thorough and constructive report, I appreciate it.
I agree it should be bigger and really become immersed in a fantasy world. I have merely touched briefly into this world.
My concern was the Night Jester himself, whether or not he was the main character, or did he share equally with Sam.
I also have several copies out with children of the target age range. I read a few pages to my niece at the lower end of the scale. On the positives she laughed lots, negatives, some elements confused her. A good exercise.
Your right, I need to read, read, read. Learn, learn, learn. Write, write, write.
I am currently halfway through Sam's next adventure, and have started his third, with a fourth in mind. (Plus many other tales).
I'm starting to ramble now, so, thanks again. Your advice and opinions are well received.
Will we be seeing some of your work soon? Good luck. -
**DELETED ACCOUNT** on 07/12/2009
Thanks for your specific comments on A Few Good Cooks, which will be both timely and helpful when I begin the rewites. Cheers and welcome to Triggerstreet.
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Comments About talfier1@comcast.net 13
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Thank you for your review of Origination of Being. I agree with you that it is a rough draft at best. I do need to add some more element. I hear often that I should ad characters. I'll be working on it. There will be another copy that is much better. Just needs some patience. :)
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Hi Tom,
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Thanks for your review of Shrink to Fit. That line is a bit too on-the-nose. Will try to rework that so it is less preachy. Thanks!
+ more commentsmissmaughan on 12/02/2009
Mike Wolfson on 09/03/2009
First & foremost, many thanks for the review of A Novel Affair. I appreciate the time you’ve taken to list the grammar errors. The story was posted last year, and after talking to several other TS members I ordered The Elements of Style, which is helping me tremendously.
Now on to that Proposal Review. I have no objections to a negative review. I think ‘A Novel Affair’ received at least three, but all three went on to tell me what they didn’t like, and why the story failed for them.
The issue I do have with your review is that you haven’t been constructive. You haven’t mentioned character, you haven’t mentioned dialogue. Is the dialogue unrealistic? Are the characters wooden?
I’m also unclear on why you’ve made some offensive remarks. All I’ve done is write a story, so what exactly is it that I need to get out of my system? This is a term we use in England when somebody has a festering issue burning away inside them, and they need to talk to someone to get over the problem. I can assure you I don’t have any problems.
Secondly, why the cheap shot at the end about the hooker? Why would I want to use one? The act at the end isn’t anything to do with sexual gratification, it’s an endearing unpleasant act, to try and ease someone’s discomfort……that’s exactly what love is.
Can you give me a valid reason not to HOJ your review?
Did you miss something? I’d like to think, Yes. The Proposal’s credits are gone, it’s only at this stage that the true ranking position of the story becomes apparent….it’s ranked at 13. I’m proud of that.
Reading between the lines, I get the impression that you believe a story told in this style, has no place anywhere. The deliberate reason for my approach was an attempt at taking a stereotypical cliché, turn it on it’s head, and push the boundaries in an extreme exaggerated way.
My next submissions will probably be more mainstream.
Please be assured that if your work comes my way, it will receive an honest and fair assessment, and will not be biased in any way as a result of your review. I’d also have no issues, if you were to review other works of mine, but please be constructive.
I too apologise, and I hope you have a good day.
Mike
**DELETED ACCOUNT** on 09/02/2009