a screenplay
by tarboy
Big Red gets help from his grandson to keep an agreement with the Comanche that is destroying his family.
tarboy
member since 10/18/2005 |
last login 11/19/2011
I enjoy writing and reviewing. These are my heros: Orson Welles, Francis Ford Coppola, Sergio Leone, Alfred Hitchcock, Stanley Kubrick, Michael Curtiz, Ida Lupino, David Lean, Billy Wilder, Steven Spielberg, Norman Jewison, Sidney Lumet, Akira Kurosawa, Frank Capra, Luc Besson, James Whale,...
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Bio
I enjoy writing and reviewing. These are my heros: Orson Welles, Francis Ford Coppola, Sergio Leone, Alfred Hitchcock, Stanley Kubrick, Michael Curtiz, Ida Lupino, David Lean, Billy Wilder, Steven Spielberg, Norman Jewison, Sidney Lumet, Akira Kurosawa, Frank Capra, Luc Besson, James Whale, Roman Polanski, John Huston, Charles Chaplin, Clint Eastwood, John Frankenheimer, Martin Scorsese, Stanley Kramer, Fritz Lang, Joseph L. Mankiewicz, Elia Kazan, Howard Hawks, William Wyler, Ingmar Bergman, Victor Fleming, Robert Wise, John Ford, Tim Burton, Vincente Minnelli and Woody
Submissions by tarboy
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-
a screenplay by tarboy
A chef battles for the two greatest things in life, food, love, and against the only thing that can ruin the two,... more
-
a screenplay by tarboy
After one to many shallow encounters with women, James begins a conversation with a woman that stimulates him mentally... more
Reviews by tarboy 751
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A review of Grace and Consistencyby tarboy on 07/26/2011I enjoy a well-written story. I will write my opinion you can use it or not. The fourth draft… WOW!!! At a glance I can see your script is riddled with mistakes. ONLY characters that are introduced and SOUNDS are Capped TOM (28, MOUSTACHE and GOATEE, scruffy MID-LENGTH HAIR, Do not use Parenthetical for Action lines. (stepping back) I always try to not use words such as... I enjoy a well-written story. I will write my opinion you can use it or not. The fourth draft… WOW!!! At a glance I can see your script is riddled with mistakes.
ONLY characters that are introduced and SOUNDS are Capped
TOM (28, MOUSTACHE and GOATEE, scruffy MID-LENGTH HAIR,
Do not use Parenthetical for Action lines.
(stepping back)
I always try to not use words such as BEGIN, START, BACK, ANOTHER, ALSO, STILL, CONTINUES, ING. AGAIN I just think it helps the story flow better.
LOL!!!
(listens)
This makes me wonder what people think the point of reading four scripts before they post. If you have not seen it in other people’s script DO NOT use it in yours.
In the real world this was pushed to the trash can.
Okay. Let’s get to the story.
1p
You wouldn’t need this info if you told the reader what city of state we are in?
dry stone walls, fields, and an occasional cottage, flash by. He is in a rush.
Why do you need to mention KITCHEN twice?
INT. TOM & GRACE’S HOUSE - KITCHEN - NIGHT
GRACE (28, brunette, bonny, smartly dressed) fixes drinks in her spacious, modern kitchen.
Or
INT. TOM & GRACE’S HOUSE - KITCHEN - NIGHT
Spacious and modern
GRACE (28) brunette, bonny, smartly dressed, fixes drinks.
How important is Mrs Charlton “dressed in knitwear and a corduroy skirt” to the plot?
MRS CHARLTON (50, plump, casually dressed in knitwear and a corduroy skirt
Or
MRS CHARLTON (50) plump, casually dressed, writes…
Once you learn to use the space in your script better the easier your story will flow.
I hope you explain why she is there at NIGHT, writing her name.
INT. A HIGH SCHOOL - CLASSROOM - NIGHT
NOTHING has happened to TOM between his introduction with the moustache and the full beard. What is the point?
I noticed (CONT’D) your script. It is not used for consecutive dialogue except when dialogue is split between pages. You can turn it off in your software under Document.
Way too much EXPOSITION.
P3
You need a proofreader
He places some tools in a bucket before double checking the level of some (of) the stone he has just laid in cement.
Or
He places tools in a bucket and then checks the level of a few stones.
You do not have to state the obvious. You could easily reduce the page count by 10 or more pages.
What is your target market?
What is Uni? Interesting.
P18
What visually tells the reader Chris is going to work? Exposition
One of the front doors on the street opens and out walks Chris dressed for work.
P20
Are these people stupid?
So - first things first - who knows what a window is?
No CAPS
Dr Richardson, a casually dressed man in his 50s,
I really have not a clue as to what this script is about. A lot of boring people talking.
I think a more linear arrangement would make the overall story more clear. Time jumps around a lot, especially in the first act.
P55
What are the actions of the characters?
They walk - thinking of things to say.
Need more drama.
P62
After seeing what the guy did in Norway
LUCY
So you think racism should be allowed to be advertised and as a result, prosper.
P72
What?
Someone has pressed pause on him.
NO NO NO
They are silent but they are no longer challenging each other with stares. Like friends who have fallen out rather than strangers testing each other. After a long pause:
In the end it picked up, ut it took too long to get to the end. Thank you and Good luck. read -
A review of Gods of Rockby tarboy on 07/25/2011Without a doubt you are one of the better writers on this site. This review will be presented in the spirit of constructive criticism. I hope that it is helpful. At a glance nothing caught my eyes as a format issue. Thank God I can just enjoy the story. What visually tell us they’re “Two Students” as oppose to two boys watching him play? I’m sure starting at PIMPLE FACE…...
Without a doubt you are one of the better writers on this site. This review will be presented in the spirit of constructive criticism. I hope that it is helpful.
At a glance nothing caught my eyes as a format issue. Thank God I can just enjoy the story.
What visually tell us they’re “Two Students” as oppose to two boys watching him play? I’m sure starting at PIMPLE FACE… tell us all we need to know.
Two students, PIMPLE FACE, 19, and SCRAGGLY GOATEE, 19, look at him in amused disgust.
P9
One can’t go BACK in a script
He turns back to Dion,
P12
Add “S”
A shelf holds hundred(s) of CDs, DVDs,
I wonder how many fat boys like Albert are out there looking for their glory days?
P15
Who have they contacted for help a lawyer. I am sure it’s not as simple as money? How much money do they need?
ALBERT
Me and a friend are trying to get enough money together to save the old Odyssey theater.
How is he going to save something…? The people are on site to bring the building down. It would take a LARGE group to stop constrution.
CONSTRUCTION WORKER #2
This dump’s coming down in a few months.
I’m like Dion
Dion focuses on the TV, unimpressed.
What does Albert base this on?
ALBERT
It’s like the sunrise. It’ll come back. Reborn
Smiling. I wish you would have kept Zenda a woman of color. Not an easy write.
Zenda is in the bedroom, playing an accordion.
What do Albert and Zrnda have in common? They don’t seen to relate.
P21 Zenda is still asleep.
P22 Gil takes a guitar off the wall, begins to tune it
I always try to not use words such as BEGIN, START, BACK, ANOTHER, ALSO, STILL, CONTINUES, ING. AGAIN I just think it helps the story flow better.
P25The circle begins to shrink.
Or
The circle shrinks. Fast.
ALBERT
No proof. And that was before.
GIL
Before what?
Before he realized he liked metal music. Kind a selfish.
P43
I look forward to learning who Balder was.
Affinities with giants and responsible for Balder’s death.
No fat black women God’s? A singer?
Where are the other people that want to save this place? Two people would have no power.
GIL
Demolition starts in four months. There’s already crews there doing prep work.
P58
Troubles a coming
ALBERT
Fine, but I won’t need it. Lead singers never do anything to fuck over their band mates.
The story flows well. The descriptions are clear and easy to follow. So far so good.
P59
Now what? So true.
SAL
Your music doesn’t draw the ladies. The ladies draw the men. And the men draw the booze sales. Want me draw you a fucking flowchart?
P66
Whom Bloody hand?
A bloody handprint streaks down a closet door.
ALBERT
Why was there blood on our plunger handle?
No mention of blood
Coatlicue stands over him, a toilet plunger in her bloody hand.
LOL!!! Help me off the floor.
When he turns back, his head is covered by a paper bag with two eye holes. He holds Loki by the scruff of the neck - throws him at Dion.
The characters are solid. Most men do not rule their home, Zenda allow quite a bit.
Thank you I really enjoy your story. Good luck. read -
A review of Heaven Settlesby tarboy on 07/22/2011I will write down my opinion and you can use it if you want. There’s nothing like reading a well throughout concept. P1 I guess there no need to tell us what city or state? EXT. RURAL BUS STOP – DAY How old is she? HEAVEN SETTLES. Dressed in worn, dirty clothes, her hair is unkept. A neglected child. Even though she is dirty and unmanaged, her face glows with a certain purity,... I will write down my opinion and you can use it if you want. There’s nothing like reading a well throughout concept.
P1 I guess there no need to tell us what city or state?
EXT. RURAL BUS STOP – DAY
How old is she?
HEAVEN SETTLES. Dressed in worn, dirty clothes, her hair is unkept. A neglected child. Even though she is dirty and unmanaged, her face glows with a certain purity, almost angelic.
I noticed (CONT’D) your script. It is not used for consecutive dialogue except when dialogue is split between pages. You can turn it off in your software under Document.
She begins to exit.
I always try to not use words such as BEGIN, START, BACK, ANOTHER, ALSO, STILL, CONTINUES, ING. AGAIN I just think it helps the story flow better.
(Fumbling through her purse)
Do not use Parenthetical for Action lines
FEMALE BUSDRIVER
In the real world they say this would go to the trash.
P2
It’s clear with Xmas we must be in the south, because weather is not a factor. As a writer you should draw a picture of all we see on the screen.
You are not painting a good picture. Male or female the reader should not have to guess.
DOG OWNER (VOC)
I know you read four script? Did any of them have SECONDS LATER in them?
Just THINK!
DOG OWNERS PORCH - SECONDS LATER
P4
What visually tell the viewer of the movie Tommy is Heaven’s brother? THINK! Nothing. Relationships are learned in dialogue.
She cracks open the door to her right and sees her little brother TOMMY SETTLES.
This is Heavens’ mother, EMMA SETTLES.
You clearly do not know how to write a script, but you still might have a good story. An Old Southern Man shooting at a children. Lord knows how old she is.
P5
Sorry this is not a NOVEL.
KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
The kitchen is also dark, with just a small band of light shining through the corner of a window where the curtain is folded over.
Or
KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
Slightly illuminated by the light coming from the sides of the curtain.
It’s not easy, but please only write what the reader can see.
His shirt and pants are oily and greasy and it is clear he has just gotten off of work.
It’s clear he lacks home training.
She is just arriving home from school.
We know Willie or his wife is related to Emma. Dialogue.
WILLIE
How about your Aunt Emma?
I will now only comment on things I have not already noticed.
P28
VISUAL. What are there actions?
For the first time, Heaven now realizes the magnitude of the situation.
Sheriff Ballard knows trouble is on the way.
Perhaps, for the first time in her life, Heaven realizes what family is really all about.
You script is riddled with mistakes like this.
P40
I maybe wrong but what is Tommy wearing?
All three of them continue to frolic about in the snow.
P48
I believe one should acted out the scenes. After three days in a van, in the cold, without food would YOU be grinning? His legs would be BLUE.
She takes off her jacket and puts it on her brother, who is still grinning from ear to ear.
First time I am learning their ages
Social services has confirmed that two children, ages five and eleven...
CAP Characters when introduced
She has very little makeup on, and her hair is tussled. But non-the-less, she is striking. This is Celeste Moon.
P57 He’s talking to Celeste
HEAVEN
Work. She doesn't want to reveal anymore. Willie is intrigued.
P75
You are saying two kids and a dog survive in a snow storm for five days?
Wow!!! A school Christmas play? Two children are lost in the woods.
Thank you and Good Luck!! read
Write a Comment
Submissions by tarboy
-
a screenplay by tarboy
Big Red gets help from his grandson to keep an agreement with the Comanche that is destroying his family.
-
a screenplay by tarboy
A chef battles for the two greatest things in life, food, love, and against the only thing that can ruin the two,... more
-
a screenplay by tarboy
After one to many shallow encounters with women, James begins a conversation with a woman that stimulates him mentally... more
Reviews by tarboy 751
-
A review of Grace and Consistencyby tarboy on 07/26/2011I enjoy a well-written story. I will write my opinion you can use it or not. The fourth draft… WOW!!! At a glance I can see your script is riddled with mistakes. ONLY characters that are introduced and SOUNDS are Capped TOM (28, MOUSTACHE and GOATEE, scruffy MID-LENGTH HAIR, Do not use Parenthetical for Action lines. (stepping back) I always try to not use words such as... I enjoy a well-written story. I will write my opinion you can use it or not. The fourth draft… WOW!!! At a glance I can see your script is riddled with mistakes.
ONLY characters that are introduced and SOUNDS are Capped
TOM (28, MOUSTACHE and GOATEE, scruffy MID-LENGTH HAIR,
Do not use Parenthetical for Action lines.
(stepping back)
I always try to not use words such as BEGIN, START, BACK, ANOTHER, ALSO, STILL, CONTINUES, ING. AGAIN I just think it helps the story flow better.
LOL!!!
(listens)
This makes me wonder what people think the point of reading four scripts before they post. If you have not seen it in other people’s script DO NOT use it in yours.
In the real world this was pushed to the trash can.
Okay. Let’s get to the story.
1p
You wouldn’t need this info if you told the reader what city of state we are in?
dry stone walls, fields, and an occasional cottage, flash by. He is in a rush.
Why do you need to mention KITCHEN twice?
INT. TOM & GRACE’S HOUSE - KITCHEN - NIGHT
GRACE (28, brunette, bonny, smartly dressed) fixes drinks in her spacious, modern kitchen.
Or
INT. TOM & GRACE’S HOUSE - KITCHEN - NIGHT
Spacious and modern
GRACE (28) brunette, bonny, smartly dressed, fixes drinks.
How important is Mrs Charlton “dressed in knitwear and a corduroy skirt” to the plot?
MRS CHARLTON (50, plump, casually dressed in knitwear and a corduroy skirt
Or
MRS CHARLTON (50) plump, casually dressed, writes…
Once you learn to use the space in your script better the easier your story will flow.
I hope you explain why she is there at NIGHT, writing her name.
INT. A HIGH SCHOOL - CLASSROOM - NIGHT
NOTHING has happened to TOM between his introduction with the moustache and the full beard. What is the point?
I noticed (CONT’D) your script. It is not used for consecutive dialogue except when dialogue is split between pages. You can turn it off in your software under Document.
Way too much EXPOSITION.
P3
You need a proofreader
He places some tools in a bucket before double checking the level of some (of) the stone he has just laid in cement.
Or
He places tools in a bucket and then checks the level of a few stones.
You do not have to state the obvious. You could easily reduce the page count by 10 or more pages.
What is your target market?
What is Uni? Interesting.
P18
What visually tells the reader Chris is going to work? Exposition
One of the front doors on the street opens and out walks Chris dressed for work.
P20
Are these people stupid?
So - first things first - who knows what a window is?
No CAPS
Dr Richardson, a casually dressed man in his 50s,
I really have not a clue as to what this script is about. A lot of boring people talking.
I think a more linear arrangement would make the overall story more clear. Time jumps around a lot, especially in the first act.
P55
What are the actions of the characters?
They walk - thinking of things to say.
Need more drama.
P62
After seeing what the guy did in Norway
LUCY
So you think racism should be allowed to be advertised and as a result, prosper.
P72
What?
Someone has pressed pause on him.
NO NO NO
They are silent but they are no longer challenging each other with stares. Like friends who have fallen out rather than strangers testing each other. After a long pause:
In the end it picked up, ut it took too long to get to the end. Thank you and Good luck. read -
A review of Gods of Rockby tarboy on 07/25/2011Without a doubt you are one of the better writers on this site. This review will be presented in the spirit of constructive criticism. I hope that it is helpful. At a glance nothing caught my eyes as a format issue. Thank God I can just enjoy the story. What visually tell us they’re “Two Students” as oppose to two boys watching him play? I’m sure starting at PIMPLE FACE…...
Without a doubt you are one of the better writers on this site. This review will be presented in the spirit of constructive criticism. I hope that it is helpful.
At a glance nothing caught my eyes as a format issue. Thank God I can just enjoy the story.
What visually tell us they’re “Two Students” as oppose to two boys watching him play? I’m sure starting at PIMPLE FACE… tell us all we need to know.
Two students, PIMPLE FACE, 19, and SCRAGGLY GOATEE, 19, look at him in amused disgust.
P9
One can’t go BACK in a script
He turns back to Dion,
P12
Add “S”
A shelf holds hundred(s) of CDs, DVDs,
I wonder how many fat boys like Albert are out there looking for their glory days?
P15
Who have they contacted for help a lawyer. I am sure it’s not as simple as money? How much money do they need?
ALBERT
Me and a friend are trying to get enough money together to save the old Odyssey theater.
How is he going to save something…? The people are on site to bring the building down. It would take a LARGE group to stop constrution.
CONSTRUCTION WORKER #2
This dump’s coming down in a few months.
I’m like Dion
Dion focuses on the TV, unimpressed.
What does Albert base this on?
ALBERT
It’s like the sunrise. It’ll come back. Reborn
Smiling. I wish you would have kept Zenda a woman of color. Not an easy write.
Zenda is in the bedroom, playing an accordion.
What do Albert and Zrnda have in common? They don’t seen to relate.
P21 Zenda is still asleep.
P22 Gil takes a guitar off the wall, begins to tune it
I always try to not use words such as BEGIN, START, BACK, ANOTHER, ALSO, STILL, CONTINUES, ING. AGAIN I just think it helps the story flow better.
P25The circle begins to shrink.
Or
The circle shrinks. Fast.
ALBERT
No proof. And that was before.
GIL
Before what?
Before he realized he liked metal music. Kind a selfish.
P43
I look forward to learning who Balder was.
Affinities with giants and responsible for Balder’s death.
No fat black women God’s? A singer?
Where are the other people that want to save this place? Two people would have no power.
GIL
Demolition starts in four months. There’s already crews there doing prep work.
P58
Troubles a coming
ALBERT
Fine, but I won’t need it. Lead singers never do anything to fuck over their band mates.
The story flows well. The descriptions are clear and easy to follow. So far so good.
P59
Now what? So true.
SAL
Your music doesn’t draw the ladies. The ladies draw the men. And the men draw the booze sales. Want me draw you a fucking flowchart?
P66
Whom Bloody hand?
A bloody handprint streaks down a closet door.
ALBERT
Why was there blood on our plunger handle?
No mention of blood
Coatlicue stands over him, a toilet plunger in her bloody hand.
LOL!!! Help me off the floor.
When he turns back, his head is covered by a paper bag with two eye holes. He holds Loki by the scruff of the neck - throws him at Dion.
The characters are solid. Most men do not rule their home, Zenda allow quite a bit.
Thank you I really enjoy your story. Good luck. read -
A review of Heaven Settlesby tarboy on 07/22/2011I will write down my opinion and you can use it if you want. There’s nothing like reading a well throughout concept. P1 I guess there no need to tell us what city or state? EXT. RURAL BUS STOP – DAY How old is she? HEAVEN SETTLES. Dressed in worn, dirty clothes, her hair is unkept. A neglected child. Even though she is dirty and unmanaged, her face glows with a certain purity,... I will write down my opinion and you can use it if you want. There’s nothing like reading a well throughout concept.
P1 I guess there no need to tell us what city or state?
EXT. RURAL BUS STOP – DAY
How old is she?
HEAVEN SETTLES. Dressed in worn, dirty clothes, her hair is unkept. A neglected child. Even though she is dirty and unmanaged, her face glows with a certain purity, almost angelic.
I noticed (CONT’D) your script. It is not used for consecutive dialogue except when dialogue is split between pages. You can turn it off in your software under Document.
She begins to exit.
I always try to not use words such as BEGIN, START, BACK, ANOTHER, ALSO, STILL, CONTINUES, ING. AGAIN I just think it helps the story flow better.
(Fumbling through her purse)
Do not use Parenthetical for Action lines
FEMALE BUSDRIVER
In the real world they say this would go to the trash.
P2
It’s clear with Xmas we must be in the south, because weather is not a factor. As a writer you should draw a picture of all we see on the screen.
You are not painting a good picture. Male or female the reader should not have to guess.
DOG OWNER (VOC)
I know you read four script? Did any of them have SECONDS LATER in them?
Just THINK!
DOG OWNERS PORCH - SECONDS LATER
P4
What visually tell the viewer of the movie Tommy is Heaven’s brother? THINK! Nothing. Relationships are learned in dialogue.
She cracks open the door to her right and sees her little brother TOMMY SETTLES.
This is Heavens’ mother, EMMA SETTLES.
You clearly do not know how to write a script, but you still might have a good story. An Old Southern Man shooting at a children. Lord knows how old she is.
P5
Sorry this is not a NOVEL.
KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
The kitchen is also dark, with just a small band of light shining through the corner of a window where the curtain is folded over.
Or
KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
Slightly illuminated by the light coming from the sides of the curtain.
It’s not easy, but please only write what the reader can see.
His shirt and pants are oily and greasy and it is clear he has just gotten off of work.
It’s clear he lacks home training.
She is just arriving home from school.
We know Willie or his wife is related to Emma. Dialogue.
WILLIE
How about your Aunt Emma?
I will now only comment on things I have not already noticed.
P28
VISUAL. What are there actions?
For the first time, Heaven now realizes the magnitude of the situation.
Sheriff Ballard knows trouble is on the way.
Perhaps, for the first time in her life, Heaven realizes what family is really all about.
You script is riddled with mistakes like this.
P40
I maybe wrong but what is Tommy wearing?
All three of them continue to frolic about in the snow.
P48
I believe one should acted out the scenes. After three days in a van, in the cold, without food would YOU be grinning? His legs would be BLUE.
She takes off her jacket and puts it on her brother, who is still grinning from ear to ear.
First time I am learning their ages
Social services has confirmed that two children, ages five and eleven...
CAP Characters when introduced
She has very little makeup on, and her hair is tussled. But non-the-less, she is striking. This is Celeste Moon.
P57 He’s talking to Celeste
HEAVEN
Work. She doesn't want to reveal anymore. Willie is intrigued.
P75
You are saying two kids and a dog survive in a snow storm for five days?
Wow!!! A school Christmas play? Two children are lost in the woods.
Thank you and Good Luck!! read -
A review of The Big Paybackby tarboy on 07/19/2011James Brown “The Big Payback” I am sure this will be a winner. I will write my opinion, nothing personal just what I feel. I hope this is a new concept worth reading. P1 LOL!!! Really? Fly over downtown in Los Angeles. Maybe you forgot to write Helicopter EXT. LOS. ANGELES - HELICOPTER – DAY Okay. As the writer your job is to describe what happens The SUV is giving the cops... James Brown “The Big Payback” I am sure this will be a winner. I will write my opinion, nothing personal just what I feel. I hope this is a new concept worth reading.
P1
LOL!!! Really?
Fly over downtown in Los Angeles.
Maybe you forgot to write Helicopter
EXT. LOS. ANGELES - HELICOPTER – DAY
Okay. As the writer your job is to describe what happens
The SUV is giving the cops trouble and making it hard to catch up with them.
Or
The SUV weaves around cars. It bumps a car causing it to hit a cop car.
Cap M
Suspects are on Wilshire and miracle rd.
THIS IS A VISUAL MEDIA
How can the viewer tell the SUV is traveling sixty miles an hour?
The SUV speeding at 60 mph tries to evade the police by changing lane back and forth.
I always try to not use words such as BEGIN, START, BACK, ANOTHER, ALSO, STILL, CONTINUES, ING. AGAIN I just think it helps the story flow better.
The above is page one. In the real world this would be put in the trash, but I will continue.
P2.
MIKE SCOTT,24,young African American, Create a character someone will remember
It is clear YOU are clueless to how to write a script. Do all smart and untrst worthy people look alike?
CARTER NELSON,34,Caucasian,smart and untrust worthy,
What are his actions?
gives Mike credit for his driving.
What? Effect Guy?
JEFF LAWRENCE,31,sleazy yet effect guy for the job,
Do you SEE any money. If it’s in a bag how can we SEE it?
the both of them secure the bags full of money.?
Here is where you can tell the reader what type of crime they committed
Hundred-dollar bills liter the floor.
Two stacks of one hundreds in five thousand dollar wrapper are on the floor.
I know you read four scripts. I can see this is riddled with mistakes and high hopes. I need a break.
JOHN (15) Caucasian, thick glasses, wear pajama, gets up and walks into the bathroom.
Why are the letters CAPPED? ONLY names os character when being INTRODUCED and SOUNDS.
OH MY GOD WE DID IT!!
I need a break. Hold on. I think that is more then 100 words. I’m finished.
Two hrs later.
Exposition
Head over to Arlington Heights there is an old abandon warehouse where there is a getaway car.
TIFFANY
(Screams)
Oh God we did it.
EXT. STREET
The SUV races away.
EXT. ABANDON WAREHOUSE – DAY
See no exposition and we are at the location. You want to be impact.
Add “A”
The robbers quickly load the getAway car with the loot.
Page 4
What?
JEFF
It sucks we had to o this but money is money.
I hope you explain why they knocked out Mike?
You need to put spaces between your sentense
DD
Carter turns around and sees Tiffany with her arms crossedd
and is still mad.
P9
It’s flowing.
P22
How would we know what he is thinking?
Now that he is out he has one thing on his mind;Payback.
P37
What does this look like?
Has over a dozen casios in the country and over 50 night clubs. He is more corrupt than ever having nearly the entire police in his back pocket.
Carter should wipe his knife clean on LIN clothes.
Brian or Brain
BRIAN HUGHES,35,A good looking man,well dressed,clean
BRAIN
Hello there sir how are you today?
MIKE
Oh I’m just a little under the weather.
BRAIN
Well I promise
You need a proofreader.
P54
?.Have a five yr old?
RYAN
Don’t worry Mrs. Hughes I’ll have her before her bedtime.
I hope you can afford this song.
Stacy and Ryan are dancing to the song Party in the USA by Miley Cyrus.
P61 Stacy
Brian and Tiffany walk into the living room and see Tiffany up past her bedtime.
Tiffany paninks
Tiffany stars panicking.
He’s talking to Tiffany
Mike turns his back towards Stacy.
Wow!!! What are the chances the Cops would take Mike to Carter? Real good in your story.
P72
Mike is in the bike healing his wounds.
?
Carter sees a gun and starts crawling to him.
Thank you and good luck. read -
A review of Mozart's Ghostby tarboy on 07/16/2011I believe you are a good writer. You enjoy the art of creating a story as oppose to copying old ideas. I am sure this will be an interesting concept. 1p Why is Echo capped? He has already been introduced. She spins away from ECHO and breaks into a vicious solo that ends in a a flurry of lights and the drummer’s own pyrotechnics Not sure if you should use the word ANOTHER... I believe you are a good writer. You enjoy the art of creating a story as oppose to copying old ideas. I am sure this will be an interesting concept.
1p
Why is Echo capped? He has already been introduced.
She spins away from ECHO and breaks into a vicious solo that ends in a a flurry of lights and the drummer’s own pyrotechnics
Not sure if you should use the word ANOTHER.
Tip your waitress? Echo shrugs his shoulders and takes another bow.
OR
Tip your waitress? Echo shrugs his shoulders and takes a bow.
P3
which gives Echo a nice view of her assets.
Do you need both?
Echo definitely notices.
I always try to not use words such as BEGIN, START, BACK, ANOTHER, ALSO, STILL, CONTINUES, ING. AGAIN I just think it helps the story flow better.
Allie smiles and turns back around.
She starts to walk again.
P5
Allie, still in bed, still in her clothes from last night
Or
Allie, in bed, in her clothes from last night
P6
Relationships are learned in dialogue. There is no way visually to tell he is her father.
Allie’s dad, JAKOB, an well-muscled businessman with a touch of gray in his hair and eyes that can see right through you.
How come you did not say Gilda Allie’s mom?
P7
We know they don’t have syrup.
A syrup-less pancake in hand,
Why Wolfie at her house in the morning. He does not speak to the parents. I know he is real, because,,,. He’s not real. Only Allie can see him.
Hey it’s “The Ghost and Mrs. Muir.” Gene Tieney, Rex Harrison and George Sanders.
Now I have to start over
She can zip her lips, since she’s the only one being heard.
Conversation over, I don’t want to wake my parents. He pretends to zip his mouth shut.
How can he see right through you?
that can see right through you,
What is she talking about?
ALLIE
You’ve screwed up every other one, why should this one be any different?
LOLOL I can clearly see he’s a Ghost on the re-read. Let’s see how good it is.
You just stated “Wolfie’s a ghost that only Allie can see or hear.” So why would you need to write this?
Wolfie starts to laugh, but Dr. Feldman doesn’t hear it.
P9
Being introduced for the first time name should be capped.
Dr. Feldman poke his head out.
P16
Nice scene with Young Jakob.
Why did Wolfie pick her to teach?
P19
LOL!!!
ECHO
See, like that stuff, right there. Talking to invisible people. It freaks everyone out.
If Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, was my ghost we would be writing music.
The only way she can get into Julliard, she has to play. She’s too weird.
p25
The tour group moves on but two tourists stay behind. It’s Jakob and Gilda. They scamper behind the bed and hide.
Or
The tour group moves on but Jakob and Gilda.stay behind. They scamper behind the bed and hide.
In a group it’s about performance as long as Allie was playing well they would have never kicked her out the group. It’s always about being with the best.
P31 No need for “S’ on Grin
Brad cracks a slimy grins and lowers his shades to fully reveal his eyes.
If she is so good , how come no one knows about her. As a child her father would have traveled the world.
ALLIE
Yes, my father is a heartless egomaniac who’d sell me into white slavery if the price was right.
The world would know. She would have the best education. She would be his way back to all that should have been his.
Allie do not need to bring up Wolfie in the interview. She needs to let the playing carry her.
DICK FENSTER
Anyone else. If you’ve only been exposed to your Father’s influence.
ALLIE
Tell me what you think after you hear me play. You character lack confident for no good reason. She is a virtuoso. She has been taught by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. Hello. He was arrogant, self- absorbed…
P38
She’s in. told you.
Louder, more pronounced, more amazing. Dick Fenster sees
other professors migrate towards the empty classroom.
On to the making of a CD!
The pieces of music that could be arranged for such a film.
MELANIE is predicable. So is Zeke.
MELANIE
You do realize who my father is, don’t you?
P52
Does she have to be in the corner?
In one corner Melanie plays some smoking jazz piano at the baby grand.
Or
Melanie plays some smoking jazz piano at a baby grand.
P62 HER
Allie fidgets, she tries not to lose his temper.
I might be wrong, but I am sure if Melaine father thought she had talent she would not need to be in a contest to prove it
How many times did Wolfie write with the pen?
P76
I think conformation of Wolfie would get a bit of conversation? You go
ALLIE
C’mon, I’ll walk you home.
INT. JULLIARD - DAY
The school auditorium is packed,
Something in between there would be nice.
Any contest Julliard supported they would have teachers as judge. The teachers would know which student deserved a recording contract.
How come we don’t see the students play and see the judging.
Thank you for a good story.. read -
A review of Gabriel's Copingby tarboy on 07/03/2011I am ready for an enjoyable read. 1p You should open. There is no way we would know it was Tuesday unless we saw a newspaper. INT. AUCKLAND, NEW ZEALAND – BLUE ROOM BAR – NIGHT GABRIEL (mid 20s, NZ South African, medium build) is sitting upright by a table midway from the stage and the exit, Sits upright I always try to not use words such as BEGIN, START, BACK, ANOTHER, ALSO,... I am ready for an enjoyable read.
1p
You should open. There is no way we would know it was Tuesday unless we saw a newspaper.
INT. AUCKLAND, NEW ZEALAND – BLUE ROOM BAR – NIGHT
GABRIEL (mid 20s, NZ South African, medium build) is sitting upright by a table midway from the stage and the exit,
Sits upright
I always try to not use words such as BEGIN, START, BACK, ANOTHER, ALSO, STILL, CONTINUES, ING. AGAIN I just think it helps the story flow better.
FIGMENT GABRIEL, an version of Gabriel that Gabriel imagines himself to be, is sitting beside him.
You need to tell US (the reader) what he looks like. How would we know what Gabriel imagines?
One person playing two people is always interesting
P2
FIGMENT GABRIEL
That you can’t hold a conversation by yourself? The fact that we’re talking kinda contradicts that.
Is what he is saying worth listening to?
Back back back n almost in every other line.
Nui sits behind Gabriel? Would she have noticed him talking to himself? Scenes like that are never in the open. In a booth, where the person can’t be seen.
What does ARTISTIC look like? Are you ARTISTIC? Do all ARTISTIC people look alike? Maybe GOTH?
P4
You don’t have to state the obvious
She constantly glances at her phone, waiting for it to go off.
Or
She constantly glances at her phone.
A good writer uses space wisely.
You do have me laughing. The Gabriels are funny.
FIGMENT GABRIEL
Would you like a demonstration? Figment Gabriel stands up, walks to Nui’s table and sits right beside her. Only Gabriel can see Figment Gabriel.
FIGMENT GABRIEL
(to Nui) Hi. Figment Gabriel turns to Gabriel, hands in the air.
FIGMENT GABRIEL
Easy.
P10
LOL!!!
FIGMENT GABRIEL
I said it, so technically you are.
You do not have to repeat yourself
INT. GABRIEL’S APARTMENT 5A
Gabriel’s apartment
P19
Position
Nui raises the back seat into the upright psoition.
P25
EXT. NUI’S COLLEGE - THE BOILER 13
Next scene
EXT. NUI’S HIGH SCHOOL - ENTRANCE (EVENING) 14
P37
Tammy (late 20s), a post-graduate psychology student and Gabriel’s friend, is sitting at the desk on the computer
Relationships are learned in dialogue.
P38
(turns to Tammy)
Do not use Parenthetical for action
TAMMY
It’s not that bad. It’s on the second floor of the Metro. I told everyone you said you’d be there.
As shy as Gabriel is why would anyone care if he shows up?
Tammy heads toward the counter.
All the names in the world, why do you have to have two “A’s” and “D’s”
DAI
DANNI
ANDREW
ADRIAN
P38
trying to think of a dismissive response.
What are his actions?
P39
(to Gabriel) Hey Gabe, you sure you don’t know Hannah?
If he says, “Hey Gabe” I am sure we know who he is talking to. You do not need both.
P44
Gabriel is rushing up the main stairs, heading towards ROOM 712.
From where Gabe is rushing, can you see Room 712? If not know visually would see (the reader) know where he was rushing?
P49
FIGMENT GABRIEL
Mabye.
How can Gabe know what FIGMENT NUI would say?
FIGMENT GABRIEL
When you picked me up the night after. You seemed different.
FIGMENT NUI
Reserved?
FIGMENT GABRIEL
Yes.
FIGMENT NUI
Distant even?
GABRIEL’S MOTHER
Her name is Cassie. She’s Ryan Mum too.
Cigarette
P86
Add Figment
Figment Nui, still lying on the bed, opens her eyes and smiles gently.
P90
The camera focuses on Gabriel’s laptop bag.
Giving camera directions. Do you think a director would care what you wrote.
Add FADE OUT:
Thank you and Good luck read -
A review of Out of the Badlands (3rd Draft)by tarboy on 03/28/2011I enjoy Westerns. P1 It goes skittering across the bar top. Or It skitters across the bar top. I always try to not use words such as BEGIN, START, BACK, ANOTHER, ALSO, STILL, CONTINUES, ING. AGAIN I just think it helps the story flow better. Make your point in as few words as possible and move on. The lone rider retrieves his extinguished cigarillo and relights it with the... I enjoy Westerns.
P1
It goes skittering across the bar top.
Or
It skitters across the bar top.
I always try to not use words such as BEGIN, START, BACK, ANOTHER, ALSO, STILL, CONTINUES, ING. AGAIN I just think it helps the story flow better.
Make your point in as few words as possible and move on.
The lone rider retrieves his extinguished cigarillo and relights it with the heated tip of his gun barrel.
Or
The lone rider retrieves the cigarillo and relights it with the heated tip of his gun barrel.
We know it’s dark from your Header. Too many words is not good for a script. You don’t have to state the obvious (night sounds of the desert).
Matthias snaps awake. Other than the dying campfire next to him, he is enveloped in blackness and night sounds of the desert. He gets up to stoke the fire. His horse approaches and nuzzles him. He reaches up to scratch the animal’s neck
Or
Matthias snaps awake. He gets up to stoke the dying campfire.
His horse approaches and nuzzles him. He reaches up to scratch the animal’s neck
P4
Do not use Paenthetical for Action
(pointing to another poster)
p7
BACK
He strolls back to the wall of wanted posters.
Write in present tense.
Wellman shuffles into the back room. Matthias watches him leave. He smiles again.
Or
. Matthias watches Wellman shuffles into the back room. He smiles.
P11
If he has a bag over his head, how do we know who he is?
SEAMUS HANBERRY sits at a table with a burlap sack over his head.
Would have been nice to see how Matthias regained consciousness and got untied.
P27
How can you not know how many bullet you have shoot? Thery’re on six
Matthias comes up next Galloway. He aims for a point- blank shot.
P28
Why did he not shoot him?
He sees Matthias’ face. His own fills with stunned recognition. Greer rides away in a panic.
So far there’s nothing here we haven’t seen in a Western. We need to learn what motivates Matthias. Now we know Greer has a history with him.
P37
Tarver ask Greer what happened. Why doesn’t he talk to EXPRESSMAN? Or the people on the train? They will all say the same thing, Matthias killed them all.
P41
How long would it take a horse to go a mile? Do you really think a JAIL fire would..
Flames from the burning jail house illuminate the night.
P47
JEFFERSON
Hello, big brother.
Big Brother, but there was a picture of Jackson McGavock in the jail. Wrong image on the picture? What? He couldn’t have changes his face. Great twist, but you better explain it.
I notice (CONT’D) your script. It is not used for consecutive dialogue except when dialogue is split between pages. You can turn it off in your software under Document.
P52
Do not use Parenthetical for Action
(pointing to a map)
p61
lol!!!
The two deputies turn and run past the outlaws.
P78
A rock tumbles down the slope.
Matthias startles awake.
Interesting story. Love the horse and the shooting of the Mayor. Thank you and Good luck. read -
A review of GENTS 2011 Editby tarboy on 03/06/2011I will write as I read. You need to mention this one time. Woman #1 and Woman #2 remove their wigs and frocks, revealing two polished, well-dressed gentlemen. Standing before him are the former Cleaning Ladies, REGINALD WINTERS and IAN BRILL. In their early 50s, both gentlemen wear dapper suits and are immaculately groomed. It could be Woman #1 and Woman #2 remove their wigs... I will write as I read.
You need to mention this one time.
Woman #1 and Woman #2 remove their wigs and frocks, revealing two polished, well-dressed gentlemen.
Standing before him are the former Cleaning Ladies, REGINALD WINTERS and IAN BRILL. In their early 50s, both gentlemen wear dapper suits and are immaculately groomed.
It could be
Woman #1 and Woman #2 remove their wigs and frocks, revealing REGINALD WINTERS and IAN BRILL (50s) well-dressed and immaculately groomed.
I think I read this. The writing is very good, but well written doesn’t always mean worth being made into a movie. It always comes down to why? What has been written that hasn’t been done that will be entertaining.
P9
How would the reader know what they’re think?
Reginald and Ian silently roll along, each obviously contemplating something deep and serious.
P13
I always try to not use words such as BEGIN, START, BACK, ANOTHER, ALSO, STILL, CONTINUES, ING. AGAIN I just think it helps the story flow better.
Her upper-crust exterior dissolves when she sees the boys and she begins waving enthusiastically.
Or
Her upper-crust exterior dissolves when she sees the boys and waves enthusiastically.
P17
Respective
Reginald and Ian head in separate directions toward their respectrive bedrooms.
P22
I notice (CONT’D) your script. It is not used for consecutive dialogue except when dialogue is split between pages. You can turn it off in your software under Document.
HAMISH (CONT)
Now, didn’t you have some questions
for me?
P28
New Character CAP
Tibbs, a distinguished gentleman in his late 60s holds up Hawaiian shirts on hangers to his torso,
P33
Does this have something to do with the plot?
EXT. FINE DINING RESTAURANT - DAY
Pedestrians walk along the sidewalk in front of the restaurant.
P38
the Gordon llok-alike turns to his SOUS CHEF.
Not much interesting has happened. They killed two people, met a mum, Wendell and the GORDON LOOK-ALIKE… and Tibbs retired. More drama!
P40
We know they’re going to LA. It’s been mention three times.
We have for donkey’s years. But you couldn’t get us to Los Angeles at gunpoint.
P41
How visually do will know Natalie is Gavin girlfriend. We can’t. Relationships are learned in dialogue.
Gavin’s girlfriend NATALIE, a plump Caucasian in her 40s, stands behind Gavin,
P42
You don’t have to tell us, just show it
Shorty and Smitty answer with him.
What is the plot? Ian and Reginald, are killer that want a castle and teach. Gavin wants respect.
Or
Keeping there prefect record of killing
IAN
Do you want to toss our perfect record, after all these years?
The dialogue is good, but the story is not funny or dramatic.
You had better have a good reason why they will not go to LA.
P67
No need to write what we already know.
Reginald’s mother HELEN speaks into the phone.
Or
HELEN speaks into the phone.
P73
How can they not see each other?
They relax, oblivious to the rest of the plane. After a moment Shorty, Smitty and Gavin board the plane, shoving each other and jostling for front position.
P75
First class and coach bathroom are no where near each other
One of the balloons drifts over to Ian and Reginald’s seats.
If they kill Geitner how would they get rid of the body?
Thank you for the read. Good luck!! read -
A review of The Absence of Vonnegut (REV)by tarboy on 03/05/2011I hope this is a great concept. Where? What state, city or country? EXT. ALLEN’S HOUSE – DAY What an interesting name ALLEN HEMINGWAY, 26, is sitting at his desk with his head in his hands. Typewriter is this a period piece? What year is it? Most writers believe there is nothing more boring than writing about a writer. P2 Do not use Parenthetical for Action (yelling out... I hope this is a great concept.
Where? What state, city or country?
EXT. ALLEN’S HOUSE – DAY
What an interesting name
ALLEN HEMINGWAY, 26, is sitting at his desk with his head in his hands.
Typewriter is this a period piece? What year is it?
Most writers believe there is nothing more boring than writing about a writer.
P2
Do not use Parenthetical for Action
(yelling out door)
yells out the door
P3
I notice (CONT’D) your script. It is not used for consecutive dialogue except when dialogue is split between pages. You can turn it off in your software under Document.
ALLEN (V.O.) (CONT'D)
And things will get worse.
Allen looks up, addressing us directly.
ALLEN (CONT'D)
It begins when I was younger...
It begins when I was younger...
or
It began when I was younger...
No description
MR. HEMINGWAY, who slumps in an easy chair.
But
MRS. HEMINGWAY, mid-30s, dressed in a business suit
P5
It has never crossed my mind to pinch my mother on the butt.
Allen addresses the audience once again. It’s the Oedipal Complex. (searching for a reaction from the audience) C'mon, you know, the "Oedipal Complex?" If you had a chance, you’d try it too!
P7
You are already telling US by using (O.S.) she is off scene
From off-screen, Mrs. Hemingway calls out.
MRS. HEMINGWAY (O.S.)
P8
I never seen that box.
ALLEN (V.O.)
See, when I was a teenager applying to college, I forgot to check the box marked "Please do not confiscate my property."
P9
Do you need to tell us twice he’s talking to the audience.
Allen turns to the audience.
ALLEN
(to audience) I don't know why--
I have read the first ten pages three times. I am trying to be interested, but you have given me no reason to be. There’s FUNNY and there’s….
People go to the theater to be entertained.
I always try to not use words such as BEGIN, START, BACK, ANOTHER, ALSO, STILL, CONTINUES, ING. AGAIN I just think it helps the story flow better.
Allen is standing in front of the window.
P16
Why so much exposition?
(to audience) Incidentally, before we’re all done here, Allen will write one last short story for submission to this particular grant contest. It should be very cathartic for him. He rolls his chair out of view, then rolls back into view. (to audience) When something’s "cathartic," that’s good.
P31
unfolds
Allen slumps into his seat as the epic unfold on stage.
P53
This is a first. That’s not to say it’s good.
An indeterminate amount of time has passed.
This lacks drama. The key is butts in seat. What is the hero’s journey and why is it important to the reader?
P67
Camera direction. First write an interest story
EXT. ALLEN'S P.O.V. THE ARCHETYPAL DREAM-LIKE-BEACH-IN-SOFT-
FOCUS - DAY - CONTINUOUS
P77
What stuff does he have there?
ALLEN
What am I going to do, Liz? They have my stuff!
P92
Give him proper paper
Ducking below his desk, he emerges with a crumpled piece of scratch paper that he inserts and begins to type on.
Come on
scrap paper-- napkins, hamburger wrappers, envelopes, whatever is at hand
who is going to read what he wrote(pieces of paper)
DETAIL on a pile of typed-on scrap paper as Allen forces a staple through it. He shoehorns the pages into an envelope along with the grant application and writes the address on the outside.
Very slow to get going, but in the end quite cute. Thank you Good luck! read -
A review of Riverwalkby tarboy on 03/04/2011P1 I have never seen a writer start off giving camera directions We hover above Downtown Tampa grazing the Regions building. Lose the opening I always try to not use words such as BEGIN, START, BACK, ANOTHER, ALSO, STILL, CONTINUES, ING. AGAIN I just think it helps the story flow better. Students begins to set up a long boat on the water Or Students set up a long boat on... P1
I have never seen a writer start off giving camera directions
We hover above Downtown Tampa grazing the Regions building.
Lose the opening
I always try to not use words such as BEGIN, START, BACK, ANOTHER, ALSO, STILL, CONTINUES, ING. AGAIN I just think it helps the story flow better.
Students begins to set up a long boat on the water
Or
Students set up a long boat on the water
This is not a Novel.
This is a visual media. We will there relationship in actions and dialogue.
We have seated in a booth four life long friends.
P4
Do not use Parenthetical for Action
(leaning back)
I
EDDIE
But i get paid. FACT
P6
Her
The WOMAN notices Lorenzo smiling his way.
Checks
He check her out from head to toe
P9
We know it’s the GYM it’s in the header
INT. GYM BATHROOM
Lorenzo is getting out of the shower at gym
P11
Damn. Why do you not Cap the first letter of a sentence?
LORENZO
damn I loved that shirt..
p13
Lorenzo not Larry
Larry continues to text on his phone while walking.
P19
Enter Joseph. Immediately he runs over to Lorenzo and slaps his perched knee.
Or
Joseph enters and Lorenzo perched knee.
P22
WOMEN
The bar is semi upscale with beautiful woman surrounding the outer tables.
You need a proofreader.
P25
It’s
LORENZO
Being a local Hero does have it perks.
P26
30 thirty?
Hi, I am Eliza and me and my friends are really really thirty.
P29
LOL!!! Help me off the floor. My stomach.
DDIE
Holy crap I think its Julie!
Anthony s eyes widen as everything comes to almost a complete halt. There in the door lies Julie with eyes of death peering into Anthony’s soul from across the room. Anthony becomes nearly paralyzed.
JULIE
(enragedin a heavy New Yorker voice) Don’t chew baby me! Get cha ass home now!
P38
A small piece of paper
Upon leaving he has a small piece in his back pocket fall out.
P 64
Her co workers look at her at smile.
P70
His
Lorenzo looks down at this phone and smiles.
Thank you Good Luck!!! read
Comments About tarboy 245
-
micmacmoviemaker on 07/26/2011
Hello Mr. Tarboy,
Thanks for the review of "Gods of Rock." I appreciate it. Glad you liked the script.
Peter -
10pagesaday on 07/25/2011
You left a review of WE DON'T DIE but that review isn't my script. -
raineenicole on 07/22/2011
Comment deleted by tarboy -
raineenicole on 07/22/2011
Comment deleted by tarboy -
capper on 07/04/2011
Comment deleted by tarboy -
JFRaby on 07/02/2011
Thanks for the review of "Fireflies and Roman Candles" -
Jan456 on 06/30/2011
Tarboy,
Thank you so much for the review. You have a very interesting
review style. I LOVE IT! Thank you, I think.
Janet -
brrose on 06/27/2011
Tarboy,
Wow, 732 reviews has to be a TS record! That is a thick stack of scripts to chew on. I'm honored to have mine thrown into the pile.
Thanks for the review!
Bruce -
Christopher O'Rourke on 04/05/2011
Thanks for your review of "Out of the Badlands". You offered some good notes and I'm glad you enjoyed it.
-Chris -
ItalianIce on 03/31/2011
Hey Tarboy!
I have read your script so many times that I don't know what more to improve on. I only review it to give you good ratings to get it as a SOM!!
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Comments About tarboy 245
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Hello Mr. Tarboy,
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+ more commentsmicmacmoviemaker on 07/26/2011
Thanks for the review of "Gods of Rock." I appreciate it. Glad you liked the script.
Peter
10pagesaday on 07/25/2011
You left a review of WE DON'T DIE but that review isn't my script.
raineenicole on 07/22/2011