thomastrace03

High concept script with lots of promise if further developed

A review of Horoscopes (r)

by thomastrace03 on 05/16/2013

I enjoyed reading your script. It was a fast read and kept me intrigued. The premise is high concept and probably has good market potential. I think the story, characters and dialogue could be further developed in order for this script to reach its maximum potential. A lot of “mosaic” type movies follow the same formula as your script – take a theme such as a holiday, concept,... I enjoyed reading your script. It was a fast read and kept me intrigued. The premise is high concept and probably has good market potential. I think the story, characters and dialogue could be further developed in order for this script to reach its maximum potential.

A lot of “mosaic” type movies follow the same formula as your script – take a theme such as a holiday, concept, social issue, etc. and write several different storylines related to the theme. So if you were aiming for a story that is high concept and familiar then mission accomplished. I can see producers and studios being interested in your story based on the premise alone. I can’t remember a major movie dealing with the concept of horoscopes, which is a little surprising. It seems like the horoscope angle would be well received by a lot of people and have been used by now. Speaking of, I do think it is odd that your script is called horoscopes when you don’t really use horoscopes throughout the script. You give descriptions of the zodiac signs but not horoscopes. I thought horoscopes were daily forecasts for someone based on their zodiac sign but I could be wrong. Another minor point about the zodiac sign element – I would have liked to known which dates correlated to each zodiac sign. I personally don’t know which dates are associated with which zodiac sign, with the exception of mine. I feel that many people are just like me. It would be nice to know this information that way I can see if the zodiac descriptions accurately describe people I know that have that zodiac sign.

Your story is intriguing. I was eager to learn how each of the stories was going to overlap and tie together. I was a little disappointed that there wasn’t more overlap between the stories. I think you can add more connections between the stories without making it seem contrived. Doing this would make the story more clever and interesting to me. Since the storylines are short, some of them don’t feel fully fleshed out, especially the endings. At the end you just show us a montage of all the characters and it seems as if their problems have magically been solved or that they are content but you don’t’ show us how they arrive at that point.

Naturally in a story like this some characters will stand out more than others but the only character that really stood out to me is the Elvis bank robbing character. He is the only one that seemed unique. All the other characters kind of run together for me. It seems like almost all the characters are boring middle aged Caucasian people with similar backgrounds. Given that you are dealing with so many different characters and storylines, I think you have the ability to make your characters diverse and unique and you should.

The dialogue felt a little flat to me in places. I think you could spruce up the lighthearted scenes with more clever and funny dialogue and add more poignant dialogue to the dramatic scenes. For example, in the final scene between Baxter and Hester, it seems that Baxter does not say anything profound to Hester to convince her not to kill herself. The fact that he tells her that he wants her to be at his funeral is weird and certainly isn’t uplifting.

Overall this was a fun read for me. I think the script has potential given its high concept premise. I think if you continue to develop the elements that need to be improved, you will have yourself a promising script.

Hope my review helped. Good luck to you. read

Fast and Fun read; however, it is hard to accept the overall premise and many of the plot turns

A review of The Tale of Lefty and Fortuna

by thomastrace03 on 05/16/2013

I enjoyed reading your script. The story kept me intrigued. It was a fast and fun read. However, I had a hard time believing and accepting the overall premise and many of the plot turns. The fundamental issue I have with your script is that I cannot buy into the overall premise – people going on a manhunt, killing spree for a lottery ticket. The whole world knows the lottery... read

An interesting look into gang life; characters and story need work to become more relatable.

A review of Represent

by thomastrace03 on 05/06/2013

I enjoyed reading your script, “Represent”. The story kept me intrigued. The dialogue gave your script a feel of authenticity but I feel like your characters and plot were unrealistic and/or unlikeable at times. I think if you would make the characters and their choices more relatable, the reader would be more sympathetic towards them. Your script is also too long for this... I enjoyed reading your script, “Represent”. The story kept me intrigued. The dialogue gave your script a feel of authenticity but I feel like your characters and plot were unrealistic and/or unlikeable at times. I think if you would make the characters and their choices more relatable, the reader would be more sympathetic towards them. Your script is also too long for this type of movie. 145 pages equals 2 hours and 25 minutes in screen time. Your script would be better if it were much shorter.

I’m a fan of gangster movies. To me, one of the keys to having a good gangster movie, is having realistic dialogue, settings and characters. You do a good job of giving the characters realistic dialogue. I like all the gang lingo that you use in the script. It’s an interesting insight into your characters world. Although, sometimes when you try to have an intimate scene where characters convey emotions the dialog falls flat – such as the intimate scene with Chris and Crystal. It feels like you want that scene to be intimate but it comes off as raunchy. Apart from that, your dialog is good.

The most interesting part of your script is when you delve into the world of the gang members. I love hearing their slang and seeing their way of life. The scene where the girl is going to have sex with multiple gang members is harsh but powerful. One of the best things that gangster movies do is introduce people to a world that is foreign to them. That is what makes shows like Gangland and movies like Training Day, City of God and Snow on Da Bluff so intriguing . I think that you should show us more of the gangster’s world and way of life in your script. If you could show us how gang life is different in Detroit vs. L.A., Chicago, New York, etc., that would also be interesting.

The biggest issue I had with your script is that I didn’t like any of the characters. I was hoping that Chris would be the sympathetic character that I could root for but he wasn’t. It seems like you wanted to portray Chris to be a “school-boy” do gooder type but he ends up being just as bad as any of the other gang members. He starts fights, curses and hits his sister and even kills her at the end! His sister was no better, she was willing to kill her own brother as well. These characters are definitely not sympathetic or relatable. If you want to make these characters cold hearted gangsters that’s cool but don’t also try to pass them off as good people we should like . I understand that you want to create dynamic characters that have good and bad traits but it’s unrealistic to portray Chris as someone that graduates with flying colors but is also a cold blooded killer. It’s also unrealistic that he could commit multiple murders, never have brush with the police and graduate with no problem.

Not only are your characters not relatable but many of the choices they make are not relatable as well. Chris is constantly making bad decisions to get himself into trouble. He started the beef with Tony by running his mouth in class and by instigating the fight later in the bathroom. He ultimately decided that he need to kill Tony when that didn’t seem necessary. It seemed like all of these altercations could have been easily avoided. Ultimately, I think you want the reader to sympathize with Chris and feel like they may have made the same choices if they were in a similar position. I did not feel that way about Chris’ decisions in this story.

Lastly, as I mentioned earlier, you should cut down on the length of this script. There is no reason it needs to be 2 hours and 25 minutes. Your formatting is incorrect – there is unneeded spacing between the characters and the dialogue. Eliminating this could cut the page count down significantly.

It seems like you are very passionate about your story, which is great. You have a number of good elements in your story. If you would develop the character and storyline more, you could have a very entertaining script. Good luck to you. read

Intriguing concept with good potential. Story needs to be developed more in order to realize full potential.

A review of World on a String Draft 2

by thomastrace03 on 04/23/2013

The core concept of “The World is On A String” is very intriguing. There are some very interesting themes at play at here. I think that the story and characters should be developed some more in order for this script to reach its full potential. I like your concept - aliens physical moving planets at their will. This concept can lead to some really interesting action and scenarios... The core concept of “The World is On A String” is very intriguing. There are some very interesting themes at play at here. I think that the story and characters should be developed some more in order for this script to reach its full potential.

I like your concept - aliens physical moving planets at their will. This concept can lead to some really interesting action and scenarios. I think you could have done more to focus the action and story around your core concept. The ramifications of moving a planet would be tremendous! The plot turns that you can incorporate based on this concept could be really intriguing and unique. You did a good job of exploiting the dynamic of people being controlled by the “crowns”. I would like to see you exploit your concept of planets being moved in the same way.

One of the main issues I had with your script was the lengthy scene descriptions. I understand that this movie would have a cool visual aesthetic - you don’t have to describe the scenes at the detail that you do for me to understand this. It would be exciting to see all the things you describe on the screen but it much less exciting to just read scene description. Since so much of the script is focused on scene description it takes away from the actual story. I would rather see more plot turns, dialogue, etc. than scene description. I also felt that the scene description was not always clear. I was not always sure what you were trying to communicate in a given scene. If you just describe the essential elements of a scene in a clear and concise manner it will make your script a much better and easier read.

I could see your script being a good serious, adult Sci-Fi in the same vein as Star Trek and I could also see it being a good kid-oriented film. Sometimes I wasn’t sure of the tone that you were going for. The party scenes on earth and violence make it seem like it is a more adult oriented film but some of the dialogue and characters seem more lighthearted. I would make sure that you know what tone you are going for and stick with it through the entire script.

I think this is a start to a good script. You have a solid concept that will intrigue people. I think working on the things I mentioned above will help take this script to another level. I hope this helps. Good luck to you. read

Great concept and intriguing plot gives this script a lot of potential

A review of Mr Hamilton's Bookshop

by thomastrace03 on 07/09/2011

Mr. Hamilton’s book shop was a very fun read. You have a great concept and a captivating plot. However, the story can be confusing and unclear at times. If you clear up the confusing elements of the story, I think you will have a solid script. Like I mentioned, your premise- a group of teenagers discover a magical bookshop where the books you read reveal the past and future... Mr. Hamilton’s book shop was a very fun read. You have a great concept and a captivating plot. However, the story can be confusing and unclear at times. If you clear up the confusing elements of the story, I think you will have a solid script.

Like I mentioned, your premise- a group of teenagers discover a magical bookshop where the books you read reveal the past and future life of the previous owner- is high concept. People will hear this premise and want to read your script. Job well done on that.

You also have a very captivating plot. You do a great job of presenting the reader with questions that he wants to find the answer to: what is the deal with the book club? What is so special about these books they are reading? What is going on with Mr. Hamilton’s bookshop? You don’t present us with the answers to these questions immediately which keeps us the turning the page. Job well done on that, as well.

There are some plot turns and elements of the story that are unclear to me. For one, I thought being a “reader” was a special gift that only a few possessed. When Mr. Hamilton tells the backstory involving Donald and Daphne it seems as if everyone will possess the abilities of a “reader” as long as a spell is whispered before they read the book. I don’t understand why Alfie doesn’t believe Mr. Hamilton at first when he tells him that he will vanish from existence if he reads his own book. Alfie has already found out that these books possess other magical abilities. Why is it so hard for him to believe that they possess another one? Why do the kids think that reading the Robert Jones story will prove that the curse does or does not exist? You make it seem that they will know that the curse exists if they read that Robert Jones vanished because he read his own book. But they have already read Graveline’s story- which states the he vanished because he read his own book. So based on your logic they should already believe the curse exists because they read Graveline’s story, right? These are a few of the questions that I had while reading your script. I figured others out after deliberating for a while. I thinks its fine to have a fun complex plot but you don’t want to make it complex to the point that is distracting and takes away from the entertainment value. In a sense, your story reminds me of Inception and the Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus. I spent so much time trying to iron out the logic in those movies that I wasn’t able to just sit back and fully enjoy the ride.

The car crash subplot doesn’t seem realistic to me. It seems a little too convenient that the dad can’t remember anything about the crash. Not even that he wasn’t driving the car. Why did Frank do jail time? Why did the cops think he was driving recklessly, was he drunk? Why did they even think he was driving? Why did the friend leave the crash scene? Was he drunk or doing something illegal? The way in which Frank remembers what really happened the night of the crash also seems too convenient.

Lastly, I think you should dial down the novelistic nature of your writing. As you probably know, if the camera can’t see it you can’t write it. Not a big deal for me but according to the screenwriting gurus it’s a no-no.

As I said I think you have the potential to have a very strong script if you clarify some the confusing parts of your story. Good luck to ya!

Ratings:
Concept-Good
Characters-Average
Dialogue-Average
Story-Good
Structure-Good
Overall-Good read

Unfortunately, "How I Became A Gambling Man" is not as funy as one would like.

A review of How I Became A Gambling Man

by thomastrace03 on 07/03/2011

“How I Became a Gambling Man” is a lighthearted screwball comedy, which means that people will mainly base their assessment of this script on its’ humor. Unfortunately, I think the comedy in this script leaves a lot to be desired. The dialogue is not very witty, ironic, outrageous, etc. so it does not add much in terms of humor. The situational humor often times seems generic... “How I Became a Gambling Man” is a lighthearted screwball comedy, which means that people will mainly base their assessment of this script on its’ humor. Unfortunately, I think the comedy in this script leaves a lot to be desired.

The dialogue is not very witty, ironic, outrageous, etc. so it does not add much in terms of humor. The situational humor often times seems generic and uncreative: take the scene where the wannabe rapper zombie starts rapping/breakdancing for example. The non-black poser that wants to be a rapper is such a cliché and trite joke. I feel like most of the humor in this script is along those lines. Take some more time to develop dialogue and situational humor that is unique and fresh.

Another thing you can do to heighten the comedy in this script is too delve into the worlds that you create and highlight their comedic nuances. For example, the world of temping seems like it could be full of hilarious idiosynchracies and comedic situations; however, you don’t do a good enough job of highlighting those things. You also do not do a good enough job of making fun of the characteristics/conventions/clichés of the horror/zombie genre, in which you are spoofing. One of the reasons the movie “Zombieland” was so funny was because the writers/directors had a great awareness of the characteristics/conventions/clichés of the horror/zombie genre and were able to fully exploit their comedic value. Take time to research and understand past horror/zombie movies and figure out all the things you could use to make fun of the genre.

I think one thing that can be hindering you from fully exploiting the humor of the horror/zombie genre and the world of temping is that it you are trying to combine two comedic setups into one movie and it doesn’t fit. A comedic movie about tempting could be a movie by itself. The same goes for a horror/zombie spoof. Since you have combined these two comedic setups into your script you have to spend time developing both. Unfortunately, the outcome is that you have two comedic situations that are underdeveloped instead of one comedic situation that is fully developed and hilarious. If I were you I would focus on one comedic situation and focus on fully bringing out its’ hilarity.

Hopefully this review helps. Sorry that this review was mainly focused on your script’s weaknesses but I think comedy is a very hard art to master, especially in the form of screenwriting. Take time to think about what movies, comedians, jokes, etc. you find funny and figure out what about them makes you laugh. Then try to apply these elements to your writing. Good luck to you! read

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