Tim.Roman

Better but...

A review of Breeders

by Tim.Roman on 05/13/2010

Okay, so you improved the hasty divorce problem. Yay! But before you going buying everyone a round of Heinekens and handjobs, we still got some issues. Gavin flying to L.A. to actually be the host still rings false to me. Granted you tossed in a quick line from Jasper on how Gavin's a natural and Leonard Nimoy and... then I stopped reading, found a homeless man, named him... read

Go for the throat

A review of The Unbuggered (V.2)

by Tim.Roman on 04/18/2010

Talk about a risky concept. I applaud you for actually almost pulling this one off. Granted, it has a black, liberal homosexual's chance at a Tea Party rally of getting made but damn if it isn't interesting. Here's the good news. Your writing is damn good. In the context of tone and what you, yourself say you wanted to accomplish with this script, its almost flawless. Character... Talk about a risky concept. I applaud you for actually almost pulling this one off. Granted, it has a black, liberal homosexual's chance at a Tea Party rally of getting made but damn if it isn't interesting.

Here's the good news. Your writing is damn good. In the context of tone and what you, yourself say you wanted to accomplish with this script, its almost flawless. Character development, structure, dialog etc. is all at, or at least, near a professional level. The problem is, your almost in over your head with this concept before you even begin. Anyone would be and because you try to play it safe, while the writing itself is excellent, this script fails.

Let's start with your pedophile priest. He's an admitted molester of children who fully accepts what he's done wrong and is willing to die in jail for it. Too easy. Way to fricken easy. There's conflict here that your not exploring and I know you want to focus of Eric's egotism but it's just too big of an elephant room to ignore. I'm not sure what you should do or how far you should go, but you can't take a topic of child molestation and simply use it as a convenient plot device. I think it might be a mistake to use the Father as a major character, or at least be actually guilty. It's like trying to get a crowd of people to look away from a major car wreck and focus on a PBS documentary your playing on iPhone. I'll explain.

There's a show call It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia with an episode called "Mac get's molested" that has the same exact premise as your script with one major difference. The accused pedophile in this case, a gym teacher, wasn't actually guilty. It took a whole load of weight off the story and allowed the comedy to breathe. Furthermore, because no one actually committed a crime, there was no need to focus on the issue of molestation and instead we could concentrate on Mac's obsession with not getting raped. I think you might wanna take a similar approach.

Another thing that episode did - as it's the style of the show - is take a much more rated R approach. You're writing a comedy about a guy who's upset over not getting raped. So, why are we straddling the PG-13 line? There seems to be a trend here on Triggerstreet with sound writers writing really sound comedies but without any real teeth to the humor(I know I've said this before but nontheless...). If you wanna get a spec sold you need to realize your competing with the Apatows and Kevin Smiths and a whole crop of young writers who are, in all honesty, funnier. Granted they may lack your attention to scene construction, character devleopment or cleverly - and in this case - nimbly constructed comedic devices but they have a boatload of quotable lines and more marketable concepts. If your gonna write about molestation you need to have hard hitting jokes about molestation and not ones that only pertain to Eric's ego. Yeah, it's hard. Real damn hard but if you don't tackle that elephant, it's going to crush your script.

One last thing I'd like to point out. While your writing style is effective, it's also bland. Don't be afraid to toss a few jokes into the action lines and all in all, be more loose with your prose. I know Trottier says this and Trottier says that, but frankly, I'm sick of hearing about that guy. He's good for the basics, but have you ever read anything he's written? It's boring as fuck and the man has no style whatsoever. I read this script that sold for boatload not too long ago and that guy had jokes all over the place in his action lines. Jokes that will never be part of the movie and are purely for the reader but as long as it's not done at the expense of page count and scene clarity, it actually benefits the reading experience by setting the tone. And don't forget, people who read scripts, read lots of scripts. Don't be afraid to entertain them.

Anywho... in summary, I think this particular script might be a lost cause. It's two years old and if you have a manager or agent, they've either already passed on sending wide or it went and came back empty handed. The good thing is, you obviously know how to write good comedy in very tricky situations and deal with volatile issues with a deft touch. Take that talent onto a more marketable concept.

PS: While I did say this script "failed" that was mainly in regards to it's selling potential. I still gave it very high marks in the ratings system. read

Conflicted...

A review of The Current

by Tim.Roman on 04/13/2010

I'm going to be a quite critical here but only because you are a talented writer. You're obviously beyond the basic mechanics of structure, scene construction, formatting etc. so I won't bother critiquing much of that and focus on some of the choices you've made here. Let's begin with your logline: "Supernatural forces conspire to put a serial killer and a heroin addict on... I'm going to be a quite critical here but only because you are a talented writer. You're obviously beyond the basic mechanics of structure, scene construction, formatting etc. so I won't bother critiquing much of that and focus on some of the choices you've made here.

Let's begin with your logline: "Supernatural forces conspire to put a serial killer and a heroin addict on parallel paths."

Not bad but a bit vague and doesn't really grab my attention, furthermore, it's doesn't really convey what the script is about. The "supernatural" elements seemed to only consist of Tammy showing up as a ghost to Leonard and Marnie and later on, Mother showing up to Leonard. Their presence never truly "conspires" to much of anything. Marnie is already driven to find her sister's abductor and while I get the impression Mother has something to do with Leonard's phychosis - which is never explained - she adds little to the story. It's as if the supernatural elements were thrown is as an afterthought to try and spice up what is essentially a low concept mash up of torture porn films and "Se7en". I suggest you either have Tammy's ghost and Leonard's Mother take a more active role in affecting the story or cut them altogether. Which leads me to my next piont...

Flashbacks. Lots of flashbacks; not a lot of purpose. They mainly show how Marnie came to her current situation which is already pretty obvious without them. Furthermore, I kept expecting them to reveal some sort of vital piece of information or connection that would change my perspective of the current conflict but while they threatened as such they never delivered. On a plus note, though, they were brief and intriguing with a few familiar details that made want me to know more, to find out where they were taking me. The problem is they need to deliver. As it stands you could axe almost every flashback and the present day story could continue without missing a beat.

Violence. Way too much violence for the sake of violence. Same with the sex and rape. When we meet Sheldon, he quickly jerks off while watching Leonard but throughout the rest of the script he's an active participant in the rape and violence. You threw that in their because it's weird and disturbing but without asking yourself, "Is there any point to this?". There isn't.

Character focus. Chad. Chad is boring, one dimensional and utterly useless. He does nothing except, for a brief moment before, give the impression that we're finally going get a glimpse into why Leonard is the way he is. But no. He's killed seconds later and que sera. Again, ask yourself, what purpose does he serve? Same for Raymond. He's a pimp. He's nasty and he put Marnie on the run - sort of - when's she's forced to kill him but seeing how as she already went to the cops, his murder doesn't prevent as such. There's a theme here of having characters and actions for the sake of it rather the necessity of it.

Robert, however, was potentially interesting. He has a mother who's still messing around with her abusive husband and his only real connection is with his serial killer uncle. He's instantly sympathetic and I was hoping he would actually be taking a parallel path with Marnie in terms of uncovering his uncle's pathos. Instead he just becomes an unwilling participant after disappearing for much of the second act. I highly suggest making Robert much more involved in the story. His suspicion could begin with the broach and take full form when approached by Marnie. It's already set up.

As for Marnie, good job here. She has a well crafted, conflicted persona. On one hand she's defiant and pro-active but on the other hand she's a drug addicted prostitute. She's at times clever and motivated but often make mistakes and poor choices. All in all, a strong protagonist with clear motivations but obviously internal and external flaws that made her struggle difficult and therefore interesting. Nonetheless, by casting her casting her as a "gaunt" Native American women, you're pretty much dooming your script, at least in Hollywood.

In summary, I see this script as more of an example of your potential rather than something you'd want to re-write. I say learn what you can from the reviews and move on to something else. Focus on a tighter concept, perhaps with fewer but more active and necessary characters. You do a good job of planting the seeds of intrigue here but they fail to blossom. As I said before, your style and execution, in terms of prose, structure and dialogue are strong but the plot suffers from clutter. You create a consistently bleak atmosphere of poverty and lower middle class oppressiveness with a constant tone but marginalize it with an overindulgence in brutality. You set up interesting characters but then put them in the back seat in favor of cryptic but go-nowhere flashbacks and passive ghosts. Nonetheless, with a little more focus on what's truly necessary and a stronger concept, who knows? Sometimes I just want to tell people to stop writing because they just don't have it. With you, however, my being critical is only because I can see myself being truly impressed by your next script. read

A lovely Mess

A review of Lillian's Burning

by Tim.Roman on 07/09/2008

Just a few issues to deal with before I actually dive into your actual story: Get rid of all the camera angles, Fade Out\To Black etc. They add nothing and won't be considered by the director. You also have a good amount of typos usually in the form of extra spaces or a lack of a space. I'd also get rid of the specific time stamps in the sluglines. Keep it simple. NIGHT... read

Strong start but...

A review of ST. LOUIS SPECIAL (2nd Draft)

by Tim.Roman on 05/21/2008

I can't understand why people would critisize how you start this one off. I rather like how it starts off moving and keeps going until the end of the first act. Very fast and makes for a quick read. I also applaud your decision to make Dale a decent, likable guy. In fact, I'd like to seem him jump to the fray a bit earlier and have him really grow on Langley. Have him be some... read

Good Style

A review of IN LOVE AND WAR (rev 2)

by Tim.Roman on 05/20/2008

I'm very impressed with your writing style here. Very quick and very clear. I never found myself confused or unsure of what was taking place. Your opening lines were especially poetic. With this strong grasp of style you can do what most other writers can't: get away with what is, perhaps, a slow opening because the language is so well written. As far as the technical aspects... I'm very impressed with your writing style here. Very quick and very clear. I never found myself confused or unsure of what was taking place. Your opening lines were especially poetic. With this strong grasp of style you can do what most other writers can't: get away with what is, perhaps, a slow opening because the language is so well written.

As far as the technical aspects go, there's little to no typos and your formatting is smooth and professional. All that leaves is the story.

First, the good. Yes, it does have some very similar aspects to the Eagle Has Landed and while not as accomplished this story does hold it's own. I generally cringe when I get ww2 based stories as assignments, not because they're poorly written but because there's just so many of them and very few are actually needed. This script avoids that nicely. You do well to stretch out Pete's secret motives all while revealing how they change due to Kate's influence. Kate herself is painted pretty well and works as the protagonist. She's complicated but easily identified with. The scenes with Pete and Kate getting to know each other are done very well. Very subtle and very realistic. The side story with Beth and Joey is sweet though it's perhaps a bit too cookie cutter and that leads me to...

The bad. There are some questionable motivational devices at work here. Why is Peter, apparently wise to American culture, so eager to avoid a simpleton like Roy? Wouldn't his obvious ducking of Roy just make him look more suspicious? Also, the scene where O'Mally gets killed just doesn't work. These men were chosen for there ability to blend in to America. Why would they go and steel goods from a nearby farm when they can just go to the local grocery store? It also seems stupid on their part to kill O'Mally and risk blowing the whole mission. And did they have laser guided scopes back then? I would also like to see more complications with Roy. It's too easy just to make him look like a draft dodging jerk harping after Kate. When he's killed it's like, oh well, he was a prick anyway. You'd get much more out of that scenario if he had some redeeming qualities. Perhaps he genuinely cares about Kate. The fake limp is a nice touch but coupled with some more likable qualities it'll create greater conflict when he dies. Lastly, I don't understand why Peter is running from the FBI when his plan is to go to them in New York and tell all. Just give up the info and skip out of town. It feels like he had ample opportunity to the blow the whistle and escape without much problem. This is serious as it's the entire conflict of the second act. You need to find a better reason why he needs to stay in town. Perhaps George goes AWOL and proceeds to carry out the plan before Peter can dump all the crates and now he has to stay to stop George. Peter seems to decide not to carry out his mission pretty early in the screenplay and this modification will give credence to his sticking around as well as re-enforce his new motivations.

This is a well written piece of work with a fluid style and solid cast. With a more realistic portrayal of Beth and Joey; more believable motivations for Peter and greater complications with Roy, it could be great.

Good luck and cheers,
Tim. read

Action and Cheese.

A review of BULLET TIME

by Tim.Roman on 04/25/2008

This a potentially excellent sci-fi action flick that's occasionally marred by a dickload of cheese. The Good: The writing style here is tight, fast and pro. Aside from the over-use of caps and absurd...let me repeat...absurd over-use of exclamation points, it's good action writing that pops off the page. While the characters lack a bit in terms of depth, you hold their... read

Write a book

A review of The Untitled Work of Paul Shepard (2008)

by Tim.Roman on 04/13/2008

Wow! There is so much talking in the film. So. Much. Talking. Giant blocks of dialog, one after another. Huge behemoths of monolog in rapid succession. And all the while people saying either one of two things: Exactly what they're thinking. Straight on the nose or... Trivial bits of information that add little to the story. I'll be honest...it was chore to read this one... Wow! There is so much talking in the film. So. Much. Talking. Giant blocks of dialog, one after another. Huge behemoths of monolog in rapid succession. And all the while people saying either one of two things:

Exactly what they're thinking. Straight on the nose or...

Trivial bits of information that add little to the story.

I'll be honest...it was chore to read this one. I was thoroughly bored the entire time.

It read like Woody Allen falling asleep in front of his typewriter.

The scene in the park with Samantha feels like it goes on forever and...nothing happens. Nothing of significance is expressed and while I do acknowledge there was some subtext between the lines, you didn't need that many pages to get it across.

Way too many of Sadie's awful poems. And bad they were but not quite funny bad.

Maybe it's because I too young appreciate that sort of "what does it all mean" stage but then again, I think not. I throughly enjoyed "Manhattan" "Annie Hall" and "High Fidelity" and this was in my late teens.

Paul is beyond bland. Nothing he did to end any of his relationships was all that racy or mean but rather innocuous. How the hell did Sadie become inspired to write a hate filled book of poetry about a man I doubt most people would even remember dating in the first place?

But you have a good idea here. While Ray, Phil and the rest of the cast are underdeveloped, I want to like them. They seem like fun people. I'd be interested in watching Paul attempt to makes sense of his life and track down his girlfriends with hijinks ensuing but hijinks need to ensue. Nothing really happens. It needs more action and way...way...way...way...way...way less talking.

And it needs to be funny. The handjob gag had legs but overall I found it rather cheesy and left field considering the tone of the film up to that point. The rest of Paul's musing and the long-winded voice overs and lectures were neither intriguing nor hilarious. Your not a bad writer, not by a long shot but this film is over abundant with mildly entertaining musings they never develop into anything truly significant or funny.

Sorry I couldn't be more positive and I wish you luck in the future.

Tim. read

I can't drive....55!

A review of A Constant Variable

by Tim.Roman on 04/13/2008

Time travel can be a complicated concept. It's difficult to incorporate a story while also explaining how the process actually works thus allowing for your script to makes sense. While this screenplay does offer an explanation it fails to identify its own rules. I wasn't really sure the cause and effect and therefore not so vested in each characters actions. What exactly... read

Excellent Form

A review of Unmasked

by Tim.Roman on 04/12/2008

A tightly written piece of work. The structure is air-tight with excellent pacing, reversals and reveals. You build tension quite well, especially leading up to the level four scenario. Your scene economy is nearly perfect. Each ends with a dramatic button and you do a good job of not repeating unnecessary information. The dialog of James' initial drive with Lilith could... read

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Submissions by Tim.Roman

Reviews by Tim.Roman 63

Comments About Tim.Roman 12

D J Sheridan on 04/27/2010

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