tomasy

A review of My Fairy Godmother

by tomasy on 05/05/2013

This was a cute little story. While you could pretty much see the resolution coming the moment she mentioned going back to his place, it still worked really well. I liked that it didn't try to be more than it was, just a quickie story about a guy and an old woman. No more, no less. A fun story with a sense of whimsy. The only part I had a bit of an issue with was her dialogue... read

"Manifest Destiny" review

A review of Manifest Destiny

by tomasy on 05/05/2013

Wow. This was a fascinating piece of sci-fi. Very well thought out and, with well rounded characters and situations. I had a real sense of the surroundings on Nirvana right from the get-go. Your descriptions are terrific. I can tell you have a great sense for the visual. I could even almost hear the planet's music through your words. Some really great lines, too. "The symphony... read

"The Gospel of Ryan" review

A review of The Gospel of Ryan

by tomasy on 05/04/2013

This was a pretty and very touching story. You really get a sense of the setting in the beginning of the story. I like it's slightly dystopian look at the future. Reminded me of a some of the stories and songs I enjoyed back in the 1980's, under the cloud of the Cold War. I also really like that within this dystopian setting you give us a beautiful coming-of-age story, full... read

"The Flyover" review

A review of The Flyover

by tomasy on 05/04/2013

This was a nice, strong story told rather succinctly. You had a very interesting idea. When the narrator says the A18 always reminds him of Gareth you have no idea he means what he means by that. I didn't see the outcome of the fight coming or the bit about the son, either. I really like when a story takes me in an unsuspecting direction. Nice work, there. The only things I... read

"Realms" review

A review of realms.

by tomasy on 03/30/2013

You have an interesting idea somewhere in this story, but it's bogged down by your writing. First off, let's start with your formatting. I don't know what you did when you formatted this, but it only covers the top half of each page. On top of that, your font size is way too small. It should be 12 point. Your sentence structure is atrocious. Even for a first person narrative,... You have an interesting idea somewhere in this story, but it's bogged down by your writing.

First off, let's start with your formatting. I don't know what you did when you formatted this, but it only covers the top half of each page. On top of that, your font size is way too small. It should be 12 point.

Your sentence structure is atrocious. Even for a first person narrative, their flow is terrible. You use too many words to express your ideas, and it's not very conversational. You should read the story out loud to see how bad they sound.

I made several notes while reading:

Why would the club owner say "See you tomorrow" before the sentences where he offers him the gig to come back? Confusing sentence order here.

Lose the parenthetical asides. They add nothing and just continue the bad flow I already mentioned.

At first I noted that you should have a few more sentences to note how long he's been in the wasteland world, because it takes a long time for a normal person, like he seems to be, to get to the point where they're eating cats and murdering people, especially babies. Then the people show up to save him from the duplex and they say his special was on last night? So all of this happened in a day? If yes, then that's terrible plotting. If no, than you need to explain things better so it's less confusing. Also, why would they act surprised about who he is if they're there to save him and the world?

You bring things into the plot from out of nowhere, things he should not know yet. Like how the group is from the future and that he sold his soul. He finds none of this out himself until his sister tells him in the sewers. Since it's first person, we readers shouldn't know it until he does. He shouldn't even know about some of them being a hit squad, either, until someone tells him this. Just throwing things in after the words "I found out later" doesn't cover it. Show us this. Readers need scenes where someone tells the narrator these things, otherwise it's very confusing.

When did the rest of the group die? He needs to see them die, not just say they're dead with the certainty he does, so then we readers see them die, too. You have too much of this, things just happening without description of it doing so.

Your idea of the portals in the sewers was interesting, and that you can't go back past your birth or you die. But your writing style is so confusing that it hurts any ideas you may have. read

"The Service Station" review

A review of The Service Station

by tomasy on 03/23/2013

Another nice story from you. I really like the characters and the situation (actually wrote a similar one, myself). You have such a good grasp of dialogue and it works very well here. Sometimes the simplest stories are the best. Of course this always depends on the author, and you are definitely a good one. The only formatting issue I found was the few paragraphs where you... read

"Thicker than Water" review

A review of Thicker Than Water

by tomasy on 03/23/2013

I really liked this story a lot. In fact, when I finished I actually asked myself, "How the hell did she make a touching gangster story?" The characters were very likable, each with their own distinct voice. I really like the subtlety throughout, like how you never come straight out and tell us the time period, and especially how you never know Leo's job until he comes home... read

"A Striking Affair" review

A review of A Striking Affair

by tomasy on 03/19/2013

Second story in a row I've been assigned by you. Got to love the randomness of the assignment generator, right? Once again you have a nice little story here. You make the readers care about the tale Vera is spinning. You definitely gave Vera a clear voice. A very sweet story. Formatting-wise, the same things I mentioned in "Smarter" apply here. On top of that, you have the... read

"Smarter than a Smartphone" review

A review of Smarter Than A Smartphone

by tomasy on 03/18/2013

This was a genuinely entertaining story. I like stories where the people under a boss are much smarter than the boss themselves. Dilbert-esque, if you will. It was also a nice touch to make the protagonist a much older man. A lot of these kinds of stories would go with an upstart 20-somthing or a discontented 30-something. Your writing flowed smoothly and the characters were... read

"My Country Alibi" review

A review of My Country Alibi

by tomasy on 03/14/2013

This was a decent spin on the inside job heist story. You gave us enough character development, letting us get to know the players and their motivations. The heist was pulled off succinctly, the economy of words mirroring the tension of the action well. I think all of your lead up is good to show the reasons Nate has for wanting to pull the job. I'm not certain I ever fully... read

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