Velvet_Whispers
member since 11/21/2002 |
last login 12/17/2012
Short Story Author and Poet. I'm currently working on a new novella called Waken Dream and a novel-in-progress called Drageons....
Bio
Short Story Author and Poet. I'm currently working on a new novella called Waken Dream and a novel-in-progress called Drageons.
Submissions by Velvet_Whispers
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Reviews by Velvet_Whispers 87
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A review of The Secrets We Don't Sayby Velvet_Whispers on 06/07/2009There are times in our life when we wish we could say everything that we keep inside, when we wish to feel alive, but life is so hectic that half the time we are merely just running around in circles. But then we take walks outside, push the world aside and think back on what just transpired. Sometimes, we need to think on our own, but sometimes, we could also find comfort... read -
A review of Forever and a Dayby Velvet_Whispers on 02/11/2009There is a lot of potential for this screenplay, and I liked Brayden's character. He is definitely someone that we could relate to. Is there existence, meaning after high school? If there were fewer characters in this screenplay, the storyline would be a lot tighter. I liked the dynamics between Justin and Miriam and Brayden and Kelly. This alone could stand on its own,... read
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A review of Scam (Redraft)by Velvet_Whispers on 02/06/2009Don't get me wrong. I loved Vantage Point and movies and tv shows like the Nine that split up the storyline and have multiple characters, but like with Vantage Point, toward the end I'm even shouting, "Again!" How many vantage points to one story? The explosion was cool, though. I was thrilled to read this screenplay. Like I said before, I love stories such as these, but... read
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Comments About Velvet_Whispers 93
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Thanks for the birthday wishes, Melissa.
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Hi Melissa:
+ more comments**DELETED ACCOUNT** on 07/03/2010
kepow on 01/31/2010
LBarbarell on 11/29/2009
I tried to send you an e-mail, but it looks like it wouldn't go through. I got assigned Walking Ghost, but, because the character speaking the dialog was often not identified, I got hopelessly lost and had to quit at page 7.
For what they're worth, here are my comments so far. The comments for pages 4 and 6 relate to the dialogue issue.
P. 4: Sometimes, it’s hard to tell who is speaking. Example: “So, what caused this?” John looked at her in confusion. “The traffic jam not the accident.” At first reading, that appears to be John speaking, but apparently it’s Gail. It’s usually helpful to identify the person who speaks first in a conversation: “So what caused this?” asked Gail. Seeing John’s confusion, she added, “The traffic jam, not the accident.” By the way, you need a comma after “jam.”
P. 6: A tension/snake simile (“tension coiled… like a snake” and “tension snapped like the jaws of a snake”) is used twice on this page. Kind of repetitive.
P. 6: For some reason, the conversation between Gail and the other driver seems unconvincing. The guy seems more interested in needling her than venting his anger. The “insults” they hurl at each other are softballs; all that stuff about remembering names and addresses seems a little like playground taunting. And, when the guy makes the comment about women drivers, it doesn’t seem like the age of Danica Patrick, it seems like the year is 1957. I haven’t heard a guy say that in many decades. I suggest that the guy curse a bit, and that he get specific about why he thinks Gail caused the accident. As written, Gail accuses him if speeding, but, the fact is: she hit him. Or so it seems from the description of the accident. Shouldn’t he be accusing HER of speeding while she accuses him of cutting her off?
P. 7: Again, because the quote is not attributed to an individual, I can’t tell who’s speaking. Who says, “Oh, no!”
I look forward to reading this on the next go around. Sounds like an interesting story.
Lou