Submissions by wlawrence
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Reviews by wlawrence
8
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Overall -- this was a great, easy read. Structure, dialogue, action -- all well done. In fact, your action descriptions were exceptional -- made me think of the Hitchcock (I think) quote about writing all the action first and filling in the dialogue last, if at all. Not that the dialogue was bad (it was quite good), but it almost wasn't even necessary with the excellent action...
Overall -- this was a great, easy read. Structure, dialogue, action -- all well done. In fact, your action descriptions were exceptional -- made me think of the Hitchcock (I think) quote about writing all the action first and filling in the dialogue last, if at all. Not that the dialogue was bad (it was quite good), but it almost wasn't even necessary with the excellent action descriptions. There isn't much feedback I can give in terms of technical analysis because it seems like you have it down. You are a gifted writer.
That said (and this is just my personal taste), I just didn't dig the concept. And I really didn't like Keith (I realize you created him as unlikeable, but it's just hard to spend 117 minutes with someone you don't like). I personally just think the whole smart rebel out-of-towner thing is played out.
This is a weird and disjointed review (and for that I apologize) because while I couldn't stop reading the script and while I marveled at some of your writing, it ultimately left me unsatisfied. I think it may have been because of the low-stakes concept and the entirely unlikeable Keith. But, hey, that's just my subjective opinion.
Like I said earlier, this was a quick, easy read and you have considerable talent. Would love to read something you have with a more compelling concept.
read
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I can tell from reading this that you are very smart and have an idea of what you want to convey with this story. It's in there somewhere, but it needs some major fleshing out.
First off, you should familiarize yourself with proper screenplay formatting and certain screenplay "rules". They're not really rules, but more of a guide to help develop your story and make the reading...
I can tell from reading this that you are very smart and have an idea of what you want to convey with this story. It's in there somewhere, but it needs some major fleshing out.
First off, you should familiarize yourself with proper screenplay formatting and certain screenplay "rules". They're not really rules, but more of a guide to help develop your story and make the reading easier for -- the reader. You ask a lot of the reader with the 20-line dialogue blocks, filled mostly with exposition, and extensive action lines in parentheticals. In fact, at times, I was wondering if you were actually messing with all the screenplay formatting rule hounds out there.
The story did not move for me. It seemed like a good number of scenes were completely unnecessary. The scenes did not build into each other. The comedy fell flat.
I am sorry to be harsh, but this was a difficult read. If you read some screenplay how-to books, I think there's a story in here that could be made into a solid screenplay.
On a positive note, I found the ripping on corporate-speak for Maggie's review to be highly entertaining and well-done.
read
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This was a true zombie horror script that had my heart racing toward the end. I felt like I was in their world and running from/fighting the zombies myself. Moreover, it was a quick read, which is always good.
Some observations:
-- It takes a long time to get the story moving. It seems like there is a lot that could be cut out from the beginning. It would be great to see...
This was a true zombie horror script that had my heart racing toward the end. I felt like I was in their world and running from/fighting the zombies myself. Moreover, it was a quick read, which is always good.
Some observations:
-- It takes a long time to get the story moving. It seems like there is a lot that could be cut out from the beginning. It would be great to see the drop of the chemicals much sooner and really get things started.
-- The dialogue was clunky in parts to me. Don't want to be harsh, but the exchange between Jeremy and Angie on p. 99 made me cringe.
-- Marcus seems to disappear for a good chunk of the story. It got to a point where I wondered if I missed something and he had died. His reappearance with Alex, however, was well done.
-- Angie's new found confidence at the end and her take charge attitude felt forced and unearned. Nothing to that point suggests she could be this way.
-- How does Jeremy know they're tankers?
-- Why does Jeremy continue to have trouble realizing that these things are zombies and not the people they used to be? I could see how he could have trouble with this in the beginning, but still having trouble with it toward the end made me like him less.
-- The scene with the soldier fondling the paralyzed Angie seems unnecessary and out of place.
Overall, you have a traditional zombie piece here. It stays true to the genre, but doesn't do much to advance it or put any new twists on it. But it was a fun, quick read. If you could find a way to add some more originality to certain aspects of it, you could have something good here.
read
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Submissions by wlawrence
No submissions (yet)
Reviews by wlawrence
8
-
Overall -- this was a great, easy read. Structure, dialogue, action -- all well done. In fact, your action descriptions were exceptional -- made me think of the Hitchcock (I think) quote about writing all the action first and filling in the dialogue last, if at all. Not that the dialogue was bad (it was quite good), but it almost wasn't even necessary with the excellent action...
Overall -- this was a great, easy read. Structure, dialogue, action -- all well done. In fact, your action descriptions were exceptional -- made me think of the Hitchcock (I think) quote about writing all the action first and filling in the dialogue last, if at all. Not that the dialogue was bad (it was quite good), but it almost wasn't even necessary with the excellent action descriptions. There isn't much feedback I can give in terms of technical analysis because it seems like you have it down. You are a gifted writer.
That said (and this is just my personal taste), I just didn't dig the concept. And I really didn't like Keith (I realize you created him as unlikeable, but it's just hard to spend 117 minutes with someone you don't like). I personally just think the whole smart rebel out-of-towner thing is played out.
This is a weird and disjointed review (and for that I apologize) because while I couldn't stop reading the script and while I marveled at some of your writing, it ultimately left me unsatisfied. I think it may have been because of the low-stakes concept and the entirely unlikeable Keith. But, hey, that's just my subjective opinion.
Like I said earlier, this was a quick, easy read and you have considerable talent. Would love to read something you have with a more compelling concept.
read
-
I can tell from reading this that you are very smart and have an idea of what you want to convey with this story. It's in there somewhere, but it needs some major fleshing out.
First off, you should familiarize yourself with proper screenplay formatting and certain screenplay "rules". They're not really rules, but more of a guide to help develop your story and make the reading...
I can tell from reading this that you are very smart and have an idea of what you want to convey with this story. It's in there somewhere, but it needs some major fleshing out.
First off, you should familiarize yourself with proper screenplay formatting and certain screenplay "rules". They're not really rules, but more of a guide to help develop your story and make the reading easier for -- the reader. You ask a lot of the reader with the 20-line dialogue blocks, filled mostly with exposition, and extensive action lines in parentheticals. In fact, at times, I was wondering if you were actually messing with all the screenplay formatting rule hounds out there.
The story did not move for me. It seemed like a good number of scenes were completely unnecessary. The scenes did not build into each other. The comedy fell flat.
I am sorry to be harsh, but this was a difficult read. If you read some screenplay how-to books, I think there's a story in here that could be made into a solid screenplay.
On a positive note, I found the ripping on corporate-speak for Maggie's review to be highly entertaining and well-done.
read
-
This was a true zombie horror script that had my heart racing toward the end. I felt like I was in their world and running from/fighting the zombies myself. Moreover, it was a quick read, which is always good.
Some observations:
-- It takes a long time to get the story moving. It seems like there is a lot that could be cut out from the beginning. It would be great to see...
This was a true zombie horror script that had my heart racing toward the end. I felt like I was in their world and running from/fighting the zombies myself. Moreover, it was a quick read, which is always good.
Some observations:
-- It takes a long time to get the story moving. It seems like there is a lot that could be cut out from the beginning. It would be great to see the drop of the chemicals much sooner and really get things started.
-- The dialogue was clunky in parts to me. Don't want to be harsh, but the exchange between Jeremy and Angie on p. 99 made me cringe.
-- Marcus seems to disappear for a good chunk of the story. It got to a point where I wondered if I missed something and he had died. His reappearance with Alex, however, was well done.
-- Angie's new found confidence at the end and her take charge attitude felt forced and unearned. Nothing to that point suggests she could be this way.
-- How does Jeremy know they're tankers?
-- Why does Jeremy continue to have trouble realizing that these things are zombies and not the people they used to be? I could see how he could have trouble with this in the beginning, but still having trouble with it toward the end made me like him less.
-- The scene with the soldier fondling the paralyzed Angie seems unnecessary and out of place.
Overall, you have a traditional zombie piece here. It stays true to the genre, but doesn't do much to advance it or put any new twists on it. But it was a fun, quick read. If you could find a way to add some more originality to certain aspects of it, you could have something good here.
read
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You nailed the film noir genre and put an interesting twist on it, setting it in the world of the Greek Gods. It was a quick, enjoyable read. The end was a bit of a letdown (which I will explain), but the race toward it was exhilarating and well-crafted. And you created a protagonist, Phineas, that I really wanted to root for – likable and a bit of a bad-ass.
Back to the...
You nailed the film noir genre and put an interesting twist on it, setting it in the world of the Greek Gods. It was a quick, enjoyable read. The end was a bit of a letdown (which I will explain), but the race toward it was exhilarating and well-crafted. And you created a protagonist, Phineas, that I really wanted to root for – likable and a bit of a bad-ass.
Back to the ending: not sure if I missed something (it's possible as I'm reviewing out of my preferred genre here), but it just felt like Hercules should have been punished, not rewarded, for betraying his friend and attempting to overthrow the Gods. I understand Zeus saw all of this coming and in a sense set everything up to achieve the desired result, but at the very least I'd expect a little more anger from Phineas for the betrayal.
The dialogue, as they say, was on the nose in a lot of places and a bit ham-fisted. Again, it may just be the genre, but it felt like a lot of the dialogue was background and exposition. More showing, less telling would have worked better.
The scene with the minotaur meeting his demise with the train felt unoriginal. You may want to work on that scene a bit to bring something new to the table.
read
Comments About wlawrence 5
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Thank you for reviewing "SKATERBOYS of ZOMBIE ISLAND". I want to address some of your observations. I laugh at how many people want the zombies earlier and it shall be done.
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Thanks for the review of Ashland. No need to apologize for your thoughts/opinions, all are welcome and appreciated. It's perfectly fine if you weren't 'into it' and you explained why which is the reason why we're here. Thanks for your time and the compliments on the writing. Good luck to you.
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Not a problem. Again, your concept is golden.
+ more commentsrjsilva on 02/06/2012
-- The exchange between Jeremy and Angie on p. 99 made me cringe. -- I'm the one who wrote that crap, how do you think I feel about it? That whole scene is going to change.
-- Marcus seems to disappear for a good chunk of the story. It got to a point where I wondered if I missed something and he had died. His reappearance with Alex, however, was well done.-- I agree and am adding a couple of scenes with Marcus and Alex getting there and cutting a couple of government scenes.
-- How does Jeremy know they're tankers?-- fixed in rev 1
-- The scene with the soldier fondling the paralyzed Angie seems unnecessary and out of place.-- You're the second person to point this out and I will change it.
I didn't really write this to bring anything new to the genre. I just wanted a fun, low budget (is there such thing any more) zombie movie with a different perspective. Thanks again for taking your time to help me make it better.
Ron
crossroads79 on 02/06/2012
Johnstone82 on 01/19/2012