yancy

A nice vibe

A review of A LITTLE MISSION

by yancy on 08/16/2005

Having read upwards of 20 scripts now on TRIGGER STREET, I would have to say at least 40% of them show direct Quentin Tarantino influences. Whether it's the dialogue style, direct scene-steals, or just hit men who talk like milk men, there is a SERIOUS plethora of Q.T. imitations on this web site (and in Hollywood, in general) Here are my points: Of the Tarantino knock-offs... Having read upwards of 20 scripts now on TRIGGER STREET, I would have to say at least 40% of them show direct Quentin Tarantino influences. Whether it's the dialogue style, direct scene-steals, or just hit men who talk like milk men, there is a SERIOUS plethora of Q.T. imitations on this web site (and in Hollywood, in general)

Here are my points: Of the Tarantino knock-offs I've read, yours is the best. You've captured the right breezy funkiness, the way incidents seem to pile up chaotically. Other people are going to tell you that your script is too meandering, doesn't have a strong story, etc. Don't worry about that shit: The best thing about your script is this feeling that we're just hanging out with these two guys, having a wild night full of sex and drugs and violence. It actually reminded me of a Ralph Bakshi animated film, like HEAVY TRAFFIC or FRITZ THE CAT.

But I think you need to pull away from the Tarantino influence slightly. As criticized as he has been for "stealing" for old films, he really did come by his own voice and style organically. It flows from him. Whereas many of these Tarantino wanna-be scripts seem influenced ONLY by Tarantino, and not by the films that influenced him. And that kind of singular influence becomes pretty transparent.

You're obviously a good and original writer, but I think you should push this script in a more personal direction. REALLY go all out in your own voice. Don't worry about "rules"... just push it as far as you can go. What you've got is good... But a few more drafts could really make it stand out, and away from the pack of Tarantino devotees.

SPECIFIC NOTES:
Cyrus's speech to Jake about death by gunshot is terrific (but, again, RESERVOIR DOGS comes right to mind)

THe scene where they beat up the guy trying to rob the diner (PULP FICTION) is great: I've never seen that scene before in any movie. It's awfully mean, though. You might want to make the thief really earn that beating.

I agree about Sundays.

You don't need the flashback to Cyrus as a fireman. read

A little schizophrenic... but much potential

A review of The Last Chapter/Revised

by yancy on 08/15/2005

Hi! This was a solidly written comedy-thriller, but part of me wishes you had chosen one path a little more whole-heartedly. If you're gonna go for the sort of bumbling-baffoon spy thriller genre (kind of like THE RUSSIANS ARE COMING, THE RUSSIANS ARE COMING or MARRIED TO THE MOB), you need to focus a little more on the comic beats of your script. There's still a heavy... read

Very well-written - but lacking a little spark.

A review of An Unnatural Soldier (Rev 4)

by yancy on 08/10/2005

This is a very solid piece of work about a topic I had never even considered before (female civil war soldiers), but forgive me if I felt that the whole thing felt a little cobbled together from other Civil War stories. It felt a lot like COLD MOUNTAIN, but not as intimate, somehow. I "believe" your story, but within the context of the script, I don't believe it -- especially... read

A deranged ORDINARY PEOPLE - and "not for me"

A review of The Cycle

by yancy on 07/26/2005

I tend to find this kind of fashionable gloom-n-doom crime movie we've seen since "Se7en" to be a rather spent genre. It's not nearly as self-renewing as the film noir movement of the 40s, since its based more on Trent Reznor videos than it is on actual cultural ennui. I knew from the first page this script would end in a bloodbath - and I had a feeling I wouldn't end up... I tend to find this kind of fashionable gloom-n-doom crime movie we've seen since "Se7en" to be a rather spent genre. It's not nearly as self-renewing as the film noir movement of the 40s, since its based more on Trent Reznor videos than it is on actual cultural ennui. I knew from the first page this script would end in a bloodbath - and I had a feeling I wouldn't end up with a 'happy feeling' once I finished the script. This script - and the genre it belongs to - doesn't seem tied as much to real human feeling as it does to high school-poetry versions of "the dark night of the soul" - whereas a movie like SILENCE OF THE LAMBS does seem to be taking place in a real world of both warmth and darkness, scripts fashioned after SEVEN seem to take place in a world that is happily consumed by darkness - as if darkness if a desirable place to be.

THAT SAID, you're a terrifically competent screenwriter, and this is JUST the kind of script that can get you noticed in Hollywood. Just because it's not MY cup of tea doesn't mean I'm gonna give this a 'PASS' - you've got a real handle on the craft of screenwriting, and I'll bet you'll get somewhere with this.
There is a cookie-cutter/formulaic nature to this script, and I tend to get more excited about writers who a little more daring, and less intersted in following screenplay "rules" of structure - theyr'e there for a reason, but they're there to be broken. When I get to page 80 and I know you've got a 108 page screenplay, it doesn't take a genius to figure out there are more "twists and turns" coming.

In other words: This is a good example of the kind of script that gets you an agent, but it's not a substantial or particularly thoughtful piece of work. You seem to have been inspired by ORDINARY PEOPLE in some way regarding the family dynamic - but if that's the case, you should re-watch that film to study how a run-of-the-mill family drama was elevated to art via some very deep and true insight. That, of course, is not as easy to wedge into a thriller like you have here, but it couldn't hurt.

I can't deny that this is the best-written script I've read of the dozen or so I've reviewed so far on TRIGGER STREET - but someone with a knack for the craft like you obviously have should aim a little higher than this kind of teen multiplex fodder.

Random notes:
1) Would the police buy the bait-and-switch in the crashed car? (Isn't than a decomposed body?)
2) Your cross-cutting is excellent, BUT every time you did it I was aware that a bloody scene was about to happen - you shouldn't allow yourself to become predictable within the screenplay
3) The photo image (of the brothers on the bicycle, seemingly happy) is powerful
4) DON'T tell us stuff in black space/text - if there's a point you want to make about your character, show it through action OR dialogue (the latter is frowned upon)
5) Can someone get that many phone calls in prison?

Overall, it was a good read. I didn't stop once. So, props there. But not every movie has to be "dark," and if you're gonna go dark, you have to earn it with substance. read

A Screenplay with a divided heart

A review of The Two Wars of Heaven

by yancy on 07/26/2005

I admire the commitment this writer has to re-communicating Biblical text via a huge-budgeted sci-fi spectacular, a la LORD OF THE RINGS. BUT there's a real problem inherently built into the source material (excuse me if I blasphere - I'm a respectful agnostic) - Having the notion of free will/no free will bandied about so much really saps a lot of the dramatic tension.... I admire the commitment this writer has to re-communicating Biblical text via a huge-budgeted sci-fi spectacular, a la LORD OF THE RINGS.

BUT there's a real problem inherently built into the source material (excuse me if I blasphere - I'm a respectful agnostic) - Having the notion of free will/no free will bandied about so much really saps a lot of the dramatic tension. This problem #1 with the script - you can certainly fix it, but I don't know if you'll find any alteration ethically sound. But as long as characters are shouting about God knowing everything and planning everything, you can stage the biggest battle scene of ALL TIME and it still won't bubble with tension.

You descriptive text is very good, as is you imagination. You've got the skills, to be sure. But you need to take another pass at this one. Here are some notes, from one of the faithless: )

1) The dialogue: You've chosen to write modern-sounding dialogue for the angels, which is risky - but if you're gonna go that way, you've gotta stick with it. There are instances where the characters go back to (forgive me) "Bible-speak" and it's a jarring transition. (Also, it's a bit tough to swallow Eve saying "you guys" and "you used to be so cuddly")
2) I love the discussion the various different levels of dimensional existence. Play it up more!
3) Your montage descriptions probably shouldn't be numbered, as they are in the current version. It looks too technical - those montage lists pulled me out of the story.
4) The battle scenes need to be a little bit more clearly defined. Too many GIANT DEMON #3 type characters - the battle scenes just need a clearly POW on the page.
5) God's presence really isn't felt in the middle act, which may be intentional - but considering how integral he is to the story, you really need to at least address him a few times.
6) I've not actually read the Bible, so I didn't know there was a difference between Satan, Lucifer, and The Devil. Clearly, there is: Can you make it more clear for those of us who missed Sunday school?
7) Lucifer's turn is too abrupt: I like the "Titanic"-esque love story w/ Eve, but all of a sudden he's a fire-spitting bad guy in the last act - I need to believe his transition a bit more.
8) LOVE the last few pages, and the last line of dialogue. With more of that spirit throughout the script, you could have a real winner.

Keep re-writing! You know the drill... read

Totally enjoyable and overheated teen melodrama

A review of Cold

by yancy on 07/22/2005

Man, this was a good read! I expected a slasher film at first, then I thought for sure the newly arrived brother-and-sister were aliens or demons or some-such nonsense. But what you've got here is like an amped-up, Red Bull infused version of REBEL WITHOUT A CAUSE: i.e., you've convinced me - even though my adult life has taught me otherwise - that teen life is the most dramatic,... read

Solidly entertaining action/sci-fi

A review of "The Clone" (revised)

by yancy on 07/20/2005

This has EASY SELL all over it. It's a tight, exciting, clever sci-fi thriller with a conscience and some very cool character dynamics. Plus, chicks with guns and knives. The dialogue is strong - and the few times the author quotes The Greats, he manages to lift the material above its pulp roots. The writing is sleek and rhythmic - the action scenes especially jump off... read

Nicely done; Under the right direction, it could be a winning children's film

A review of Ribbons of Glory

by yancy on 07/19/2005

I'm not sure what kind of a reception RIBBONS OF GLORY will get among Gen-Xers who are more cynical than I, but I was quite impressed with the gentleness of the script, and the fact that there weren't too many false crises or fake-outs. This really is a story that earns, and then barrels through, about six happy climaxes. While this might rub some as sentimental, I think... read

Good energy, but a little low on gas

A review of The Dinner List

by yancy on 07/18/2005

I was asking myself the same question that Ida asks Dylan and Obie: If they hate celebs so much, why are they trying to BECOME celebs? Just posing the question in your script isn't quite enough. If these two guys do have a lot of violent hatred for people who have "made it" (while they toil away at the auto shop), then I think you need to deconstruct those feelings a little... I was asking myself the same question that Ida asks Dylan and Obie: If they hate celebs so much, why are they trying to BECOME celebs? Just posing the question in your script isn't quite enough. If these two guys do have a lot of violent hatred for people who have "made it" (while they toil away at the auto shop), then I think you need to deconstruct those feelings a little more. Why do they want to punch Liza Minnelli? Because's she's older than them, and not attractive anymore? (Plus, I don't think Sinatra would be to happy about these guys talking smack about second-tier Rat-Packer Liza)... These guys are angry, and you need to get beneath the surface of that anger (which you do attempt, via the flashbacks to the youth church organzier) -- otherwise, they're just a couple of Gen-X (or -y) punks who want to punch and smash and destroy, but who are unwilling to let down their guard and be a little more human in their understanding of characters like Buck (and all the celebs they name-drop).

But I don't want to sound negative: You clearly poured a lot of feeling into this script. It's just a few drafts away from solid. There are too many story threads, and you get a little messy with all of them. There's the Mob, the Trucker, Buck, the love triangle, the cops interrogating them... not to mention the original idea of the celeb "dinner list" punch-out spree, which seems to be dropped for the middle act of the story (when you need urgency and story thrust most... You can't let it meander like you do, with one scene after another in dive bars, etc... Once they're on the road, you should take a cue from "that man hating movie" 'Thelma & Louise," which had the courage to really develop a head of steam (you have to ditch irony if you want your audience to actually get involved)

But the dialogue, exchanges, and pop culture references are often quite funny. And the fact that the script is overstuffed is, in my view, commendable. I like a movie with some of life's messiness into it. But it has to feel purposeful. Once they're on the road, and the love triangle is in bloom, you have to keep the pedal to the metal and build comic story tension. Don't let it slack! : )

And you might want to work a little harder at differentiating Dylan and Obie a little bit more. The whole 70s/Sinatra dichotomy isn't quite enough. Both guys seem to speak with the same voice. You might want to build a little more individual quirk into each of their dichotomies. Just re-work it, start again, purify your vision. At least you've got one! read

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