a screenplay
by ydnar600
Cartel-infested Mexico: a Texas Ranger and a tough Latina search for a kidnapped American girl.
ydnar600
member since 11/21/2002 |
last login 03/02/2013
I grew up in Dallas Texas in a wonderful lower-middle class family in a wonderful lower-middle class black neighborhood. At age 11 I was forced to move to a small town in East Texas: Mt. Pleasant. Despite its namesake, it was anything...
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Bio
I grew up in Dallas Texas in a wonderful lower-middle class family in a wonderful lower-middle class black neighborhood. At age 11 I was forced to move to a small town in East Texas: Mt. Pleasant. Despite its namesake, it was anything but, though I learned much about the behavior and ideological split between whites and blacks.I attended the University of Texas at Austin and graduated in 1992 after which time I worked odd jobs in search of some kind of salary. I began working at Dell Computer in 1997 doing internet media work. During my time there, I began learning the craft of screenplays and writing screenplays. I currently work at IBM.
Submissions by ydnar600
Reviews by ydnar600 105
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A review of Last Chanceby ydnar600 on 02/11/2013Some thoughts as I read: BOB You sure know how to put a man on pins and needles dude. DRAKE(O.S) My apologies Bob i ran into some technical hitches. BOB The court verdict i guess? ...you need to learn how to use commas...For example: You sure know how to put a man on pins and needles, dude. My apologies, Bob. I ran into some technical hitches. Lose all instances of Beat unless... Some thoughts as I read:
BOB
You sure know how to put a man on
pins and needles dude.
DRAKE(O.S)
My apologies Bob i ran into some
technical hitches.
BOB
The court verdict i guess?
...you need to learn how to use commas...For example:
You sure know how to put a man on pins and needles, dude.
My apologies, Bob. I ran into some technical hitches.
Lose all instances of Beat unless absolutely essential
Too many instances of Suddenly…25 by my count
I feel dizzy, my head’s spinning
somehow.
…yeah, because that's what happens when you're dizzy
inconsistency of dialog and punctuation…p35
MATHILDA
Robin, come on!
p36
MATHILDA
Robin come on, there’s no other
way.
Hint: the first one is correct.
instances like on page 37 of past tense…"Small animals jumped"
I'll try and be brief here as I had a bit of difficulty with your script and don't know exactly what I just read. The reasons are as follows:
Concept: a young boy who can divine the future and his estranged father who wants to use him for his own nefarious purposes. Got no problem with that. It is, in fact, why I was intrigued with reading the script. The execution, however, is at issue.
Dialogue: There are many British-isms I noticed which is fine but you had far too many instances of your characters going on about their feelings and not showing, by action, what they were feeling. One of the things I suggest you do, which I do myself in rewrites, is take each block of dialogue and reduce it down to its most essential element but saying the same thing you initially intended. In addition, your dialogue is too on-the-nose and stilted and pretty much all of your characters sound the same. Even Mathilda and Robin, as adolescents, don't sound like adolescents all the time. For example, on p70, the bit with Drake: not only is it too much dialogue that's mostly unnecessary, it's also redundant. Drake says Robin sees the future twice!
Characters: the arcs of your characters are mostly non-existent and the rest are a bit cartoonish in their lack of dimension. For one, you have too many characters. You introduce characters like the Senator on page 99! Introduce him earlier…when it matters. Robin and Mathilda are okay as protagonists but we spend lots of time away from them. Robin, as the lead who drives your story should always be front and center or at least what he knows should drive the story. Occasionally it does. I kept waiting for some real interplay between them and their parents but the structure of it was baffling. I'll talk more about structure in a bit.
Story: As I said, Robin and Mathilda should drive the story. At times they did but you wasted too much time with the servants who barely had any bearing on what was going on. They talked a lot but nothing really happened. The bit with the Senator should be moved way up since this is the guy Alfred needs to kill. That way, it's set in the reader's mind. Page 99 is way too late. You have lots of peril for the two main leads in terms of obstacles but it still didn't amount to much. I needed to see the real effects of Robin's powers maybe work in his favor - maybe in fact it did but as I said, I really couldn't follow it because of the biggest failing of your script which is…
Structure: I posted some observations above as I read. There were so many on every page, I didn't want to waste too much time with it. Specifically, you have: misspells, punctuation errors, verbs in past tense, verbs in passive tense, typos, missing words, too much dialogue, virtually non-existent inciting incident and act breaks, elements showing up in bold, incorrect and unnecessary transitions between scenes like on page 64, parenthetical statements in dialogue that are either redundant or completely unnecessary, shooting directions like "Beat" that should only be used very sparingly. Your script should, in no way, be 117 pages long - even accounting for stylistic differences, it should be no more than 100 pages. I've said this to others and I'll say it again, no studio will ever read this script with the sheer number of structural issues you have. I've seen scripts pitched into the rubbish bin for just an occasional typo. And, for the purposes of regular readers like myself, they very much hamper the readability of your script. Not my intention to be too harsh but I think you get the idea. Some things I've said can be looked upon as opinion…what I've said here about the Structure is fact. Please fix them, at least, for your next draft. read -
A review of Scarlet Seasby ydnar600 on 01/22/2013Pretty good effort so far. I was enthused by the first page that I was reading a script by someone who knows how to actually write a screenplay. I'll detail below what I thought in multiple areas. Concept: Pirates of the Caribbean with Vampires. Nothing wrong with the concept, however, the success depends mightily on execution of elements therein. Story: I have to say that... Pretty good effort so far. I was enthused by the first page that I was reading a script by someone who knows how to actually write a screenplay. I'll detail below what I thought in multiple areas.
Concept: Pirates of the Caribbean with Vampires. Nothing wrong with the concept, however, the success depends mightily on execution of elements therein.
Story: I have to say that while reading it, the first half of the script was a good read. What you presented pulled me through the story and didn't get bogged down. I think why it worked was there was a wealth of expectations of what I hoped the story would be. It held my interest for this reason. Unfortunately, when Scarlet takes control of the ship, the story didn't fall off the rails for me, per se, but it became less interesting. This also coincided with the budding romance between Ash and Alana. For me, there was nothing new in their relationship and though it drove your narrative, I just wasn't interested. It was kind of a tough slog the second half and definitely the last act. I'll talk more about the last act later. I'll be specific about one section in the second half: there was a spot where there was some peril associated with Hans and what Scarlet would do to him. You left us with a cliffhanger of sorts which really piqued my interest. You rightly went away to Alana and Ash and the ship battle. What would make this section better in my opinion is to go back and forth between these two story lines. Instead, it took awhile to get back to Hans and by the time you did, it was anticlimactic. The ship battle dragged on far too long for me without breaking it up. The resolution of your story was fine but I might like to have seen a bit more poignance or significance with the vampire Hans and Alana. Instead, your ending was Ash/Alana-specific. Think about adding a stronger resolution with Hans - maybe something revealed about the father-daugher dynamic that Scarlet uses against them.
Characters: generally pretty good, however, the problem for me was having Pirates… in mind and how this compared. It just did for me. Scarlet was an effective villain but right on the edge of being over the top/caricaturish. One thing: the vampire mythos - I know there's a lot of leeway but for this vampire fan, a stake to the heart ends in death. That's just me. Anyway, let's make Hans' turn to a vampire more significant. Maybe Scarlet plays on some shred of humanity left in him to achieve her goals, to really stick it to Alana. I think the resolution with Ash and Alana was fine. And Hans continuing on with his vampire-hunting ways was fine as well.
Dialogue: period stuff is kinda tricky. You want to have characters talking in period-specific vernacular but it seemed to me that, with the exception of Scarlet and Gash and Guevarra, everyone sounded the same.
Structure: I think you have the requisite act breaks and so on. Even though your story comes in at 105 pages, your third act dragged. My suggestion would be to use much shorter sentences and descriptions. This needs to happen in this act as matters speed up. You have far too many ellipses - try to scale those back. It slows the read. There's lots of passive verbs - use them only when necessary. Too many instances of "starts to…" and "begins to…". Lose them - with rare exceptions, a character either does or does not. There were some instances in your action/description of things that can't be filmed, that is, what a character was feeling. Move some of your parentheticals to action/description.
Good luck on your next draft! read -
A review of The Nomineeby ydnar600 on 01/12/2013Your script, though a work-in-progress, is well on its way to being something fun and unique. I enjoyed reading it, however, there were some issues...even for a first draft. Concept: I'd watch this in a second. If it could be made with the same tonality of, say, Tropic Thunder, where we peel back the skin of Hollywood (in this case, the Oscar thing and the reality show thing)... Your script, though a work-in-progress, is well on its way to being something fun and unique. I enjoyed reading it, however, there were some issues...even for a first draft.
Concept: I'd watch this in a second. If it could be made with the same tonality of, say, Tropic Thunder, where we peel back the skin of Hollywood (in this case, the Oscar thing and the reality show thing) and make a comedic comment. I dig it!
Characters: generally pretty good. I counted 11 characters in your first ten pages. Even if this wasn't a first read and a cold read, I tend to think that's too many. Even Boogie Nights didn't have quite that many in the first ten pages. I think the majority of your characters had specific points of view and when introduced, moved the story along. I would recommend any opportunity to consolidate characters to be a good thing. I'm not that bright but this reader found it overwhelming. One help for this would be to have better descriptions as each character is introduced to, at the very least, help set them apart in the reader's mind. I kept having Emma Stone in mind for Greta. I think her character: her obstacles, triumphs, motivation and so on were spot on. I think she helped drive your story (which I'll get to later). Lance was a decent foil for her. I would expand on Ozzie, only in the sense of how he is picked out of the reality crowd as being "the one" for her. I saw it but didn't feel it enough...their connection. What is it that he provides that she needs filled...emotionally, that is.
Dialogue: not much to say here. I think at 116 pages, the length is due to the sheer number of characters and dialogue. Try in future drafts to pare back. Be as brutally ruthless as possible with the dialogue without ruining the flow and style with which you display. One note: as i was reading it, I could tell you were British or somewhere where they use the King's English. I went back and looked at your description because there were times when characters would say "bloody" and "rogering" which sends up a big ol' Union Jack flag that one or more of your characters is British. We bloody Colonials don't say such words.
Story: pretty good I think. It's overwhelmed by the sheer number of characters but this may simply be one of those things that can't be helped. On screen, it may not matter. I think you have a perfect engine that drives your story - something that a reader can immediately relate to and have resonance with from Greta's point of view. There were some minor areas where I thought you lost sight of this but it's not really a concern. There were times when I laughed out loud (I was on the treadmill as I read). And the girl gets the guy in the end and maybe even resolves some demons from her past.
Structure: I would say this was the weakest part of your script. Your inciting incident seems to be around page 14. I went back and read it and, though, I'm loath to hit someone over the head with rules, that scene could stand to be trimmed back and just get on with it: we're gonna have a reality show and our nominee is the star and she needs a date. Your first act break point was similarly "mushy". Due to the number of characters, most of the other points of the script except for the last act kinda got lost on me. I think you did real well in the third act by ratcheting up the stakes, not only in the narrative but also in the action/description. Now, you had WAY TOO MANY misspells, punctuation errors and grammatical issues in your action/description and dialogue. Too many to list but here's an example:
p14 (and all over the place)
Christian
Yes we do Mr Turner. - WRONG
Yes, we do, Mr. Turner. - RIGHT
I see way too much of this in other people's scripts. An occasional typo is fine. I know it's a first draft. Don't care. Makes me wanna smash things. I saw way too many sentences that were interrogative but didn't have a question mark at the end. No excuses - fix this kinda stuff for your next draft. Enough said!
So, I look very much forward to seeing what the next draft of The Nominee brings. I very much enjoyed reading it. It's a great start. I have little doubt that you will plumb the depths of your story and your characters to further deepen the meaning and heighten the fun.
Good job, mate! read
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Submissions by ydnar600
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a screenplay by ydnar600Cartel-infested Mexico: a Texas Ranger and a tough Latina search for a kidnapped American girl.
Reviews by ydnar600 105
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A review of Last Chanceby ydnar600 on 02/11/2013Some thoughts as I read: BOB You sure know how to put a man on pins and needles dude. DRAKE(O.S) My apologies Bob i ran into some technical hitches. BOB The court verdict i guess? ...you need to learn how to use commas...For example: You sure know how to put a man on pins and needles, dude. My apologies, Bob. I ran into some technical hitches. Lose all instances of Beat unless... Some thoughts as I read:
BOB
You sure know how to put a man on
pins and needles dude.
DRAKE(O.S)
My apologies Bob i ran into some
technical hitches.
BOB
The court verdict i guess?
...you need to learn how to use commas...For example:
You sure know how to put a man on pins and needles, dude.
My apologies, Bob. I ran into some technical hitches.
Lose all instances of Beat unless absolutely essential
Too many instances of Suddenly…25 by my count
I feel dizzy, my head’s spinning
somehow.
…yeah, because that's what happens when you're dizzy
inconsistency of dialog and punctuation…p35
MATHILDA
Robin, come on!
p36
MATHILDA
Robin come on, there’s no other
way.
Hint: the first one is correct.
instances like on page 37 of past tense…"Small animals jumped"
I'll try and be brief here as I had a bit of difficulty with your script and don't know exactly what I just read. The reasons are as follows:
Concept: a young boy who can divine the future and his estranged father who wants to use him for his own nefarious purposes. Got no problem with that. It is, in fact, why I was intrigued with reading the script. The execution, however, is at issue.
Dialogue: There are many British-isms I noticed which is fine but you had far too many instances of your characters going on about their feelings and not showing, by action, what they were feeling. One of the things I suggest you do, which I do myself in rewrites, is take each block of dialogue and reduce it down to its most essential element but saying the same thing you initially intended. In addition, your dialogue is too on-the-nose and stilted and pretty much all of your characters sound the same. Even Mathilda and Robin, as adolescents, don't sound like adolescents all the time. For example, on p70, the bit with Drake: not only is it too much dialogue that's mostly unnecessary, it's also redundant. Drake says Robin sees the future twice!
Characters: the arcs of your characters are mostly non-existent and the rest are a bit cartoonish in their lack of dimension. For one, you have too many characters. You introduce characters like the Senator on page 99! Introduce him earlier…when it matters. Robin and Mathilda are okay as protagonists but we spend lots of time away from them. Robin, as the lead who drives your story should always be front and center or at least what he knows should drive the story. Occasionally it does. I kept waiting for some real interplay between them and their parents but the structure of it was baffling. I'll talk more about structure in a bit.
Story: As I said, Robin and Mathilda should drive the story. At times they did but you wasted too much time with the servants who barely had any bearing on what was going on. They talked a lot but nothing really happened. The bit with the Senator should be moved way up since this is the guy Alfred needs to kill. That way, it's set in the reader's mind. Page 99 is way too late. You have lots of peril for the two main leads in terms of obstacles but it still didn't amount to much. I needed to see the real effects of Robin's powers maybe work in his favor - maybe in fact it did but as I said, I really couldn't follow it because of the biggest failing of your script which is…
Structure: I posted some observations above as I read. There were so many on every page, I didn't want to waste too much time with it. Specifically, you have: misspells, punctuation errors, verbs in past tense, verbs in passive tense, typos, missing words, too much dialogue, virtually non-existent inciting incident and act breaks, elements showing up in bold, incorrect and unnecessary transitions between scenes like on page 64, parenthetical statements in dialogue that are either redundant or completely unnecessary, shooting directions like "Beat" that should only be used very sparingly. Your script should, in no way, be 117 pages long - even accounting for stylistic differences, it should be no more than 100 pages. I've said this to others and I'll say it again, no studio will ever read this script with the sheer number of structural issues you have. I've seen scripts pitched into the rubbish bin for just an occasional typo. And, for the purposes of regular readers like myself, they very much hamper the readability of your script. Not my intention to be too harsh but I think you get the idea. Some things I've said can be looked upon as opinion…what I've said here about the Structure is fact. Please fix them, at least, for your next draft. read -
A review of Scarlet Seasby ydnar600 on 01/22/2013Pretty good effort so far. I was enthused by the first page that I was reading a script by someone who knows how to actually write a screenplay. I'll detail below what I thought in multiple areas. Concept: Pirates of the Caribbean with Vampires. Nothing wrong with the concept, however, the success depends mightily on execution of elements therein. Story: I have to say that... Pretty good effort so far. I was enthused by the first page that I was reading a script by someone who knows how to actually write a screenplay. I'll detail below what I thought in multiple areas.
Concept: Pirates of the Caribbean with Vampires. Nothing wrong with the concept, however, the success depends mightily on execution of elements therein.
Story: I have to say that while reading it, the first half of the script was a good read. What you presented pulled me through the story and didn't get bogged down. I think why it worked was there was a wealth of expectations of what I hoped the story would be. It held my interest for this reason. Unfortunately, when Scarlet takes control of the ship, the story didn't fall off the rails for me, per se, but it became less interesting. This also coincided with the budding romance between Ash and Alana. For me, there was nothing new in their relationship and though it drove your narrative, I just wasn't interested. It was kind of a tough slog the second half and definitely the last act. I'll talk more about the last act later. I'll be specific about one section in the second half: there was a spot where there was some peril associated with Hans and what Scarlet would do to him. You left us with a cliffhanger of sorts which really piqued my interest. You rightly went away to Alana and Ash and the ship battle. What would make this section better in my opinion is to go back and forth between these two story lines. Instead, it took awhile to get back to Hans and by the time you did, it was anticlimactic. The ship battle dragged on far too long for me without breaking it up. The resolution of your story was fine but I might like to have seen a bit more poignance or significance with the vampire Hans and Alana. Instead, your ending was Ash/Alana-specific. Think about adding a stronger resolution with Hans - maybe something revealed about the father-daugher dynamic that Scarlet uses against them.
Characters: generally pretty good, however, the problem for me was having Pirates… in mind and how this compared. It just did for me. Scarlet was an effective villain but right on the edge of being over the top/caricaturish. One thing: the vampire mythos - I know there's a lot of leeway but for this vampire fan, a stake to the heart ends in death. That's just me. Anyway, let's make Hans' turn to a vampire more significant. Maybe Scarlet plays on some shred of humanity left in him to achieve her goals, to really stick it to Alana. I think the resolution with Ash and Alana was fine. And Hans continuing on with his vampire-hunting ways was fine as well.
Dialogue: period stuff is kinda tricky. You want to have characters talking in period-specific vernacular but it seemed to me that, with the exception of Scarlet and Gash and Guevarra, everyone sounded the same.
Structure: I think you have the requisite act breaks and so on. Even though your story comes in at 105 pages, your third act dragged. My suggestion would be to use much shorter sentences and descriptions. This needs to happen in this act as matters speed up. You have far too many ellipses - try to scale those back. It slows the read. There's lots of passive verbs - use them only when necessary. Too many instances of "starts to…" and "begins to…". Lose them - with rare exceptions, a character either does or does not. There were some instances in your action/description of things that can't be filmed, that is, what a character was feeling. Move some of your parentheticals to action/description.
Good luck on your next draft! read -
A review of The Nomineeby ydnar600 on 01/12/2013Your script, though a work-in-progress, is well on its way to being something fun and unique. I enjoyed reading it, however, there were some issues...even for a first draft. Concept: I'd watch this in a second. If it could be made with the same tonality of, say, Tropic Thunder, where we peel back the skin of Hollywood (in this case, the Oscar thing and the reality show thing)... Your script, though a work-in-progress, is well on its way to being something fun and unique. I enjoyed reading it, however, there were some issues...even for a first draft.
Concept: I'd watch this in a second. If it could be made with the same tonality of, say, Tropic Thunder, where we peel back the skin of Hollywood (in this case, the Oscar thing and the reality show thing) and make a comedic comment. I dig it!
Characters: generally pretty good. I counted 11 characters in your first ten pages. Even if this wasn't a first read and a cold read, I tend to think that's too many. Even Boogie Nights didn't have quite that many in the first ten pages. I think the majority of your characters had specific points of view and when introduced, moved the story along. I would recommend any opportunity to consolidate characters to be a good thing. I'm not that bright but this reader found it overwhelming. One help for this would be to have better descriptions as each character is introduced to, at the very least, help set them apart in the reader's mind. I kept having Emma Stone in mind for Greta. I think her character: her obstacles, triumphs, motivation and so on were spot on. I think she helped drive your story (which I'll get to later). Lance was a decent foil for her. I would expand on Ozzie, only in the sense of how he is picked out of the reality crowd as being "the one" for her. I saw it but didn't feel it enough...their connection. What is it that he provides that she needs filled...emotionally, that is.
Dialogue: not much to say here. I think at 116 pages, the length is due to the sheer number of characters and dialogue. Try in future drafts to pare back. Be as brutally ruthless as possible with the dialogue without ruining the flow and style with which you display. One note: as i was reading it, I could tell you were British or somewhere where they use the King's English. I went back and looked at your description because there were times when characters would say "bloody" and "rogering" which sends up a big ol' Union Jack flag that one or more of your characters is British. We bloody Colonials don't say such words.
Story: pretty good I think. It's overwhelmed by the sheer number of characters but this may simply be one of those things that can't be helped. On screen, it may not matter. I think you have a perfect engine that drives your story - something that a reader can immediately relate to and have resonance with from Greta's point of view. There were some minor areas where I thought you lost sight of this but it's not really a concern. There were times when I laughed out loud (I was on the treadmill as I read). And the girl gets the guy in the end and maybe even resolves some demons from her past.
Structure: I would say this was the weakest part of your script. Your inciting incident seems to be around page 14. I went back and read it and, though, I'm loath to hit someone over the head with rules, that scene could stand to be trimmed back and just get on with it: we're gonna have a reality show and our nominee is the star and she needs a date. Your first act break point was similarly "mushy". Due to the number of characters, most of the other points of the script except for the last act kinda got lost on me. I think you did real well in the third act by ratcheting up the stakes, not only in the narrative but also in the action/description. Now, you had WAY TOO MANY misspells, punctuation errors and grammatical issues in your action/description and dialogue. Too many to list but here's an example:
p14 (and all over the place)
Christian
Yes we do Mr Turner. - WRONG
Yes, we do, Mr. Turner. - RIGHT
I see way too much of this in other people's scripts. An occasional typo is fine. I know it's a first draft. Don't care. Makes me wanna smash things. I saw way too many sentences that were interrogative but didn't have a question mark at the end. No excuses - fix this kinda stuff for your next draft. Enough said!
So, I look very much forward to seeing what the next draft of The Nominee brings. I very much enjoyed reading it. It's a great start. I have little doubt that you will plumb the depths of your story and your characters to further deepen the meaning and heighten the fun.
Good job, mate! read -
A review of Love Letters From The Jungleby ydnar600 on 01/07/2013Your script had lots of problems in pretty much every area. Now, I'm not the type to hit a writer over the head with a bunch of screenplay rules, but they're there for a reason. And once you learn them, you can venture off and do different things. Concept: not bad, but certainly something I had seen before with a guy going in search of his newfound true love no matter what... Your script had lots of problems in pretty much every area. Now, I'm not the type to hit a writer over the head with a bunch of screenplay rules, but they're there for a reason. And once you learn them, you can venture off and do different things.
Concept: not bad, but certainly something I had seen before with a guy going in search of his newfound true love no matter what occurs. A concept seen in any number of movies and genres, Last of the Mohicans comes to mind.
Characters: Anthony and Cindita are fine so far as their relationship and how it blossomed in the first act. Even Lisa was fine as a sidekick. The problem here was with the sheer number of characters you had - way too many to keep track of. Too many Man #1's and so on with dialogue no less. I'd recommend consolidating characters that are not essential to the plot. Is it Cindy or Cindita? Pick one and be consistent.
Dialogue: At many points of the story, you have characters saying how they feel instead of showing us by their action. SHOW, don't TELL. This is standard fare for a screenplay.
Example: Cindita speaks with the Manager in Spanish. She holds an
envelope in her hand. Cindita counts the money in it. She is
upset.
…you don't need to TELL us she's upset. SHOW us in dialogue or by her actions
Your dialogue suffers greatly from being too on-the-nose. It's often very stilted and formal and could use a big dose of subtext occasionally. Your characters tended to sound the same in English...and they sounded the same in Spanish. Another reason to pare down the number of characters in order to give each a specific point of view.
Story: your story is essentially a chase. Despite other issues, what would make it a bit more interesting is if you had a close-call moment. A place where Anthony almost catches up with Cindita and her captors. I think you did pretty well in showing what I assume is the brutality of the people and life in Peru. But I felt it overwhelmed the journey of your characters in some places. But again, this may be due to the number of characters. The rape angle was pretty good. I did actually feel for the situation the characters found themselves in but it was all obliterated by the most glaring failure of this script which is:
Structure: as i said above, Love Letters reads like a first draft...and not a good one from a structure standpoint. Your first page is something Final Draft does when you export to PDF. Your first actual page has an establishing shot that reads like a book. FADE IN should be on the right. What exactly is a LEGEND? Unless this is something new in screenplays these days, it should be SUPER. Misspells EVERYWHERE. Punctuation errors everywhere. Flashbacks formatted incorrectly, like on p48. Lose the product placements like Ocean Spray unless they have significance to your story.
Page 39 ANTHONY
Tell him I’ll be back if he isn’t
telling me the truth.
LISA (SPANISH)
He will be back if you are not
telling the truth.
There's no need to write this out. Just say in your action/description "Lisa translates."
Lose every instance of "begins to" and "starts to" in this script.
Example: p47 Pedro begins to speak but quickly stops...
Do this instead: Pedro opens his mouth to speak but quickly stops
P45 Why are you hear? Really? It's "here". There's no excuse for this type of stuff.
You have a major habit of overdescribing things in your action/description:
p40: Francisco along with two other men walk toward them.
Your lack of punctuation notwithstanding it should simply be:
Francisco and two other men walk toward them.
p49 There's no way to film these three men the way you have it described. They haven't said anything yet. Maybe when they start talking but not in their description.
The action on p66 is a chore to read thru and technically incorrect
We don't need Flick or Bark or Vrrmmm or any of those sound effects you use throughout the entirety of your script
I'll stop there. You get the idea.
Suggestions: read screenplays by reputable writers and see how your script differs from theirs. Take proofreading more seriously or hire someone to do it for you. Buy a screenplay formatting/rules book and do like it says.
See, here's the thing. Were you to submit your script to a studio reader, they would pitch it after the first page. I know these people. They have a stack of scripts to read and no time to do it in. It's got to be right...on every page. You have the kernel of a good story here but your current execution for this draft, prevents this reader from seeing it.
Good luck on your next draft! read -
A review of Against the Wind (2)by ydnar600 on 01/03/2013I'm kinda familiar with some of the Greek idioms and sayings. I went to college with a girl named Theodora from Thessaloniki and she was always calling me and her boyfriend "malaka", so this was kinda fun to read in that respect. Concept:pretty good actually but not executed compellingly until the second half. Really, just before the last act. A story of love and how it can... I'm kinda familiar with some of the Greek idioms and sayings. I went to college with a girl named Theodora from Thessaloniki and she was always calling me and her boyfriend "malaka", so this was kinda fun to read in that respect.
Concept:pretty good actually but not executed compellingly until the second half. Really, just before the last act. A story of love and how it can cross the boundaries of gender in the Mediterranean.
Dialogue: Most of your dialogue is pretty good in terms of each character's point of view. I was able to easily discern the Americans, the Greeks, the differences between Jez and Lefteris. However, this is where the good times stopped for me. You have a habit of characters being too on-the-nose and talking about their feelings instead of showing. An example on page 87:
"He’s going to be in deep conflict with himself if he has feelings for you, too."
This is unnecessary. SHOW this in a character's action or just let us, the audience, figure this out. Go thru your dialogue and scour it for instances like this. There's much of your dialogue that is too wordy as a result and is better left to subtext by the reader. It would also help to shorten your script by a few pages at least. In the first act, and again in the third act, you had too much dialogue of an incidental nature. Too much "Hello! How are you? I'm fine! Nice day we're having! That only goes so far and the entirety of the first half of your story was dominated with it. The trick is, after the introductions, get into a scene LATE and get out of a scene EARLY. Get to what each scene is about. I'll talk more about this later.
Characters: Window-dressing for your two main characters, Jez and Lefteris. There was a moment in the third act where I felt Lucia had arced from disinterested, iPod girl to someone who had experienced something of life and it had changed her. Unfortunately, her arc, and others, had no impact on anything else in terms of subplot, narrative flow or the burgeoning relationship of Jez and Lefteris. Other characters, with the exception of Finna, were just kinda there. There was no real antagonist of any kind. Jez and Lefteris' relationship was fine but we didn't really get into it until your midpoint with the kiss, which really is when your story starts.
Story: Your story starts with that kiss between Jez and Lefteris. There's the thing. A story is setup, conflict and resolution. Your setup is boring - nothing happens except a bunch of introductions and scenes on a boat that don't drive your story or reveal much, if at all. In your script, your conflict starts around page 50 or after - TOO LATE!!! We need more, earlier. Conflict in every scene with every character. We don't watch movies to see people getting along with each other. While your two main characters' situation was compelling, nothing else around it was. The thing with the Germans wasn't even though there was conflict. But it had little impact on your main characters or the story overall. And this reader couldn't find much connection between your flashbacks and anything else except in one sense where Takis tried to keep Lefteris from jumping off a ledge in your first flashback and Lefteris pushing himself to the brink underwater…that was good but what difference did it make overall?
Structure: First act: nothing happens. No real inciting incident around page 10. No first act break around page 30, a point of no return for our main character. Second act: nothing happens until the kiss. Third act: stuff happens but it's kinda too late. Here's thought: start your story later than what you have and find way to expand on your third act. That's the good stuff. You have scenes of montages that don't service your story. Lose them or make them count for something other than setting an atmosphere. If you do, in future drafts, start your story, say, on the boat, two days in, then the framing device of Monday, Tuesday, etc will no longer be necessary.
Lose the parentheticals…they're completely unnecessary. You have them for people shouting when their dialogue obviously has them shouting. It will also save you some space. You could easily knock off a full page if you leave those out and this script should barely be over 98 pages. Not enough story there to justify 107 pages in my opinion.
Lose instances of "starts to" and "begins to". Not good form. A few typos here and there.
Here's a thought…and it's just a thought: were you to remove the orientation component from the script, what kind of story would you have? The central conceit of your script is Jez and Lefteris' personal discovery - fine, but what else is interesting about your story without it. Reminds me of the movie Memento which was told in reverse order. Without that elements, you've got a movie that's a standard, if unremarkable, whodunnit.
In summary, start your story later, bring more conflict(antagonist?) and try to make each scene service the relationship of your central characters, Jez and Lefteris.
Good luck on your next draft! read -
A review of Dark Frontierby ydnar600 on 12/26/2012I'm not gonna talk too much about the plot elements of your script because I didn't really understand it, so I'm going to discuss my general impressions as follows: Concept: I was thinking about your script for awhile to let it kinda sink in. Thing is, the concept is fascinating and not really seen before. In fact, I want to see it, however, not in this format and not the... I'm not gonna talk too much about the plot elements of your script because I didn't really understand it, so I'm going to discuss my general impressions as follows:
Concept: I was thinking about your script for awhile to let it kinda sink in. Thing is, the concept is fascinating and not really seen before. In fact, I want to see it, however, not in this format and not the way you've presented it. Many of the character and story elements you have in Dark Frontier are narrative story lines all by themselves. In my opinion, what you have here is not a movie but a television series, say, on HBO or AMC where the characters and compelling stories in this unique setting can be explored. I really think the concept is spot on.
Characters: This will sound trite but u have too many characters doing too many things in too many places. Even the background characters on the bridge had lines. It's overwhelming! I dug Ge-org...a rewrite might need to focus on him and bring the core of your story, even thematically, back to him and Edward. I'm probably gonna fail the damn test cuz I don't really have confidence in who the main character was…Edward? See, that's a problem. I never connected with Edward till his bit with Ge-Org on page 52. What's an OS? You introduce elements that have no recognizable equivalents, names of people and places that this reader could relate to.
Dialogue: Dialogue was just so-so as everyone sounded alike and military and very earnest about their situation...all obliterated by the plot
Story: I reread the first half of your script cuz I didn't know what I read. Couldn't follow it. Again, it wasn't till page 52 with Edward and Ge-Org that I was able to ground myself with some personal character development wedged within a maelstrom of seemingly disconnected story elements. Consolidate, simplify and ground story elements in ways we, the audience, can relate to...Star Trek did this very well.
Structure: I don't even know where to begin. There was so much going on I couldn't even discern mundane elements such as inciting incident, 1st act turning point, etc. You have a number of misspells and misuse of words such as their, they're and there. Your ending was weird and anticlimactic with Salvador just looking perturbed...after all that?!.
Overall: I get the feeling you're a good writer with an expansive imagination. I'm intrigued by the concept of the story but not its scope or execution. This MUST be pared back...currently it seems to be a showcase for special effects and not for the machinations of real characters and how the situation affects them. I can't help but get into areas such as budget for a piece like this. Lets forget whether the story works or not...who will film this for anything under $200 million+ dollars? Unless you are well on your way to securing financing for this story, there's no way this will ever be filmed. Most of your pages have sfx on a grand freaking scale. I'm thinking Dune, John Carter, Total Recall, Avatar and a little Star Wars all rolled into one. I know people who work at studios: readers, gatekeepers, if you will. As a spec script, in the most ideal of situations, they'll be the first to see your script...and they'll pass. First thing they'll see is how much it would take to bring this in and it would be astronomical. So if you want this to be a MOVIE make this a more personal story, with fewer characters and smaller in scope...it's epic enough, given the setting... and keep the budget in mind for any future rewrites.
Good luck! read -
A review of "WOW! Never Expected That!"by ydnar600 on 12/20/2012"DECEMBER 21st" by Justin O'Hanley (J. O'Hanley) I found the twist to be kinda obscure. There's a UFO on Dec 21 so I get the hook…is this irony? Is that the twist? That there will be no more tomorrows? "THE BRIEFCASE" by Bruce Rose (brrose) this story seems to be about a vengeful chemist chick who's been scorned. The issue here is the phone bit. Had to read it a few times... "DECEMBER 21st" by Justin O'Hanley (J. O'Hanley)
I found the twist to be kinda obscure. There's a UFO on Dec 21 so I get the hook…is this irony? Is that the twist? That there will be no more tomorrows?
"THE BRIEFCASE" by Bruce Rose (brrose)
this story seems to be about a vengeful chemist chick who's been scorned. The issue here is the phone bit. Had to read it a few times before I get that it's the other chick's phone. Maybe specify that the phone, on page 8 is not hers in the description. Otherwise, pretty good twist.
"ANTI-HERO" by Steven Hale (AlCielo)
This was one of the funnier ones and the twist at the end cements the title of the piece but the Superhero Zombie was somehow anti-climactic for me. Obviously, he can't speak, being a zombie after all but maybe something to distinguish him from other zombies other than brute strength and flying. You've mixed a superhero and a zombie together in one entity…maybe some kind of kryptonite that dezombifies it.
"SIT ON MY FACE" by Ralph Wescott (brokenarrow)
I dug the twist of the camera crew and the audition, but the mechanics of just what exactly she's doing when she sits on his face could be more clear or better described in action/description or dialogue. And I understand you're dancing around the issue.
"SPEED DATE: 2 FOR 1" by David C Benoit (Magnet360)
This seems to be a twist without an actual twist. Does Judy have a cock or not? I'm assuming not, so where's the twist?
"BINARY GAMES" by Richard C Crossley (gapoz)
Fairly complicated story on the page but would be fascinating to shoot to bring it to life. The antidote with Greg is a decent twist…once you wade thru the other machinations of the script to get to it
"WHAT A BITCH!" by Ian Schneider (ischneid87)
Looks like Dan certainly worked out his issues on Gabby, re: Eddie. I approve this message…kinda
"BLIND-SIDED DATE" by Tracy C Wolfe (grey)
I didn't even have to look back over this one. A vampire waitress…might have been cooler if they had been even nastier to her. Maybe some clever hint as to her vampiric nature, otherwise it's kinda outta the blue…deserved but not quite earned
"FIRST LOVE" by Pierre Langenegger (heylang)
I don't get it…Detective Johnson is gay? Not that there's anything wrong with that...
"THE KEY" by JD Simone (gridlock)
though i really enjoy the emotion of this short, I'm not sure the reveal of the key is that much of a twist. It's in fact more reveal than twist that his son had the key to the '68 on him the whole time and even after death. Poignant but not surprising.
"DRIVEN" by Ryan Maher (Ryan Maher)
Not sure what a "close" is…too lazy to look that up. Other than that I can't say much cuz for a short, this one's pretty much perfect. Daniel could have been Stephen's conscience…or the devil…or an angel. Up to the reader to decide. Was Daniel smartly dressed cuz that was his funeral suit? Hmm??
"SOUL HUNT" by Lizz-Ayn Shaarawi (lizzayn)
I really liked this one as well. It reminded me of the Legend of White Rock Lake in Dallas where a woman is supposed to get in the car with you on a dark road looking for help and you turn around and there's nothing but a puddle left in the seat…very good!
"DINNER" by Mark Zakeri (MarkZak26)
C-A meetings…Cannibals Anonymous? The dude's a werewolf. Again this is a situation where a narrative point is deserved but not quite earned. Was there something that set Don off that he ate everyone? I mean, I guess the man of the house got his comeuppance on account of the dead teenagers in his basement but there seems to be lacking a catalyst for Don's ultimate actions.
"DARK TERROR" by David Brough (D J Sheridan)
Didn't really respond to this one. I felt the dialogue was a bit OTN and stilted and cliche. The twist: from 12 to 1..that all this was a "dream" but with the component of a ticking clock…which is good for raising the intrinsic tension of the piece
"SWING LOW" by Anthony Furlong (tony1975)
While I had some resonance with this story, the twist is incomprehensible to me. The COWBOY? Who was that? I've read this three times and don't see any foreshadowing as to who this might be.
"ODESSA" by Doug Johnson (postmortem)
"BATTLE FOR THE LAST PLANET" by Carl Salminen (GameArs)
They got there first! Ah, the Russians…long way to go to be countermanded by some Ruskies. It's the Cold War all over again…on another planet. Though the family on the ground trying to make it to the departing ship was cool, it would have been better if this element had some resolution. I found it unsatisfactory that the Chinese would just open fire on defenseless citizens…to what end? The spoils of war? This was more irony than twisty…but quite enjoyable. And no way someone would film such a short…the budget would be astronomical to do it right…maybe read -
A review of Into The Heart v.2by ydnar600 on 01/21/2009Some DETAILED thoughts follow as I had them while reading to give you an idea of what I was thinking and reacting to as I went along in your script: p1 gonna start off by saying you need to use more active verbs: he pours a cup, mixes cream and sugar, she covers up. It's okay to use "ing" sometimes, but there's a balance. This would also shorten your action/description. p2... Some DETAILED thoughts follow as I had them while reading to give you an idea of what I was thinking and reacting to as I went along in your script:
p1 gonna start off by saying you need to use more active verbs: he pours a cup, mixes cream and sugar, she covers up. It's okay to use "ing" sometimes, but there's a balance. This would also shorten your action/description.
p2 You're over-describing things
p4 everyone has their own style of doing things but here's something that will help shorten your screenplay for other things:
CHRISTI, a very pretty confident female in her early 30's,
CHRISTI, (32), pretty, confident, stands in her....a bit more succinct
p5 JESSE, Christi's extremely handsome and styled 30's ever
loving husband...awkward, rewrite this.
p7 Emma and her super hyper
and in with current fashion friend JULIANA...again, over-described
in an uncharacteristic moment of silence...how do we know this? You describe her as hyper but we don't know anything about her yet.
p8 ever since you're dad...your dad
p10 a look of unsure (?)
p12 You're grandmother's
birthday...Your...know the difference...nuff said
She's currently writing notes...She writes notes
He's currently trying to fill...nope.
p13 Everything you can
think of to established the welfare...establish
p15 INT. CAR -- NIGHT
Logan is driving as he and Stephanie head to the dinner.
...here's a better way of stating this:
INT. CAR (DRIVING) -- NIGHT
Logan and Stephanie head to the dinner.
p17 this bit of dialogue here is too on-the-nose and repetitive. Subtext would go a long way here.
Stephanie is now furious with him and Logan knows he crossed
the line too far. ...we know this already, you've already showed us.
p18 Call me when you want REALLY want to
talk and work this out.
....proofread
As Logan turns to look ahead a car comes speeding past and
strikes Stephanie...
...might make this a bit more impactful, capitalize CAR for one thing since it's a new element in the scene. This kind of points us to the fact that something is about to happen. As it is, this moment went by far too matter-of-factly. In addition, without reading further, I think this moment could be your inciting incident...at page 10. This is a moment that gets us, the audience engaged in your story. Nothing has really happened up to this point.
p20 Logan sits in still silence as Christi holds his hand. Every
moment that Logan waits to hear the news on Stephanie is
like an eternity to him. Every labored breath he takes feels
like it could be his last thinking about what's happened.
....too prosaic. though I myself do this, I think there's a balance and you've already gone to the well too often
p21 something to think of here with Logan and Stephanie's parents. Though they show no animosity to him, it might be a good thing to show just a hint of it if possible...drama is conflict after all...and there's no conflict in this scene right now.
p22 It's been a while.
...how long has it been?
p24-25 Logan's rant: repetitive, shorten and say the same thing in half the time
p25 re: Anderson House..."any care that was ever given..." prosaic and unfilmable
p27 A more reserved...
...this is far too wordy. This reads like a book, not a screenplay. Here and elsewhere...last time i'll mention it till my summation.
p29 Emma's outward self confidence has given way to self doubt
and confusion and she...
...this is incorrect. You're telling us. You need to SHOW us. Emma needs to DO something that SHOWS us she's lost her self-confidence.
p30 I'm gonna assume Logan and Emma meeting is the Act 1 break...if so, then that's good.
Christi is driving down the street...Christi drives down the street...
...use active verbs. Also get rid of "starts to" or "begins to" unless absolutely necessary.
p31 Jesse has taken half the day off...
...describe to me how one would film this.
p32 re: We need help
...repetitive, shorten
p35 this is a nice character turn with the change from meticulous to messy. I hope you expand on this.
p40 shut in...shut-in
p41 Logan does his best to keep his distance and not get to close
to her.
...another prime example of show, don't tell. We'll know this if you reveal it in dialogue and by his actions.
p42 I notice you keep looking at your
phone.
...too on-the-nose. She can look to see then ask if all is okay.
"Oh, I'm sorry."...you start alot of dialogue with "Oh...", vary this a bit.
p49 Well, what I came over for is, well.
...you can do better than this.
p50 I'd like to see a bit more conflict here in the early-going of Emma and Logan's relationship...they're a bit too nice and polite. It would be nice if there was some character thing that's an issue.
p55 your guys' night...you guys' night
p57 prolly just me but I'm not getting the subplot of Christi and how it relates to the narrative of Logan.
p59 this moment here btw Christi and Logan: what could happen is Logan is giving her advice like you have here but as he's saying it, he realizes this sage advice applies to himself. Only thing though, this would be a beat that's far too early to have the right impact. This is one of those character arc things that should come later for Logan. Right now, he's not arcing enough.
p66 ah, miniature golf, the foundation of any burgeoning romantic relationship!
p65-70-ish You've got these three scenes or so where nothing really happens. At the end of the last scene we get back to the central turning point of the story: Stephanie's death. 1. You really need to infuse some conflict here and in so doing, reveal his issues with guilt more effectively. After all the "good times" these two are having, I don't buy Emma noticing Logan's pain. 2. You take over 5 pages to get to this point - shorten, tighten. Say the same thing in a fraction of the space.
p70 This flashback is unnecessary. We already know this information and I don't see where anything new was revealed. The audience already knows this. He only has to tell Emma that this happened...we don't need to see it again.
p74 You sure it's okay?
...i've noticed you do this alot in your dialogue. This incessant, polite re-affirming of what people say. Certainly I realize that people talk this way but it's not the least bit interesting to listen to in a movie...lose it.
p75-6 Repetitive and far too long...especially for what amounts to a subplot.
p78 again, far too long. Emma saying "I'm falling for you." says it all. Get with the wacky notion of less being more, or at the very least sufficient.
p79 I can't be with her and hold on to Stephanie.
...this is a good point but I don't think you've set it up all that well. He's shown a semblance of guilt really only once prior to this in his relationship with Emma. You're gonna have to come up with some unique way for Logan to reveal this, that is, something we haven't all seen in every romantic comedy/drama.
p80-81 you've said all this already, multiple times
p83 ...because you have me so screwed up in the head...
...you're telling us. But you haven't really showed us. Helena doesn't even show up till page 79 and her looking around the apartment disapprovingly is not enough to show us.
Emma is in her twenties...so, presumably she's still young and beautiful
p88 Action/Description: She's sad and not knowing what to do.
Dialogue by Emma: I'm just not sure what to do.
...find a more effective way to present this.
p91 That's quite a story you told me,
Logan, but your sister is right.
...forgive me but when did Logan relay to Allen a story that Christi told him?
p91-92 repeating the same platitudes over and over...i've already heard this information
p92 INT. INT. LOGAN'S APARTMENT
p98 re: Montage...kinda corny, as in trite, hackneyed...been done before
lose the INT. CEMETERY right before the BACK TO SCENE
p102 He is incredibly happy as he's never had anything like
this before.
...He's incredibly happy.
...as she remembers her times she with Logan.
p103 What are you doing here?
...you say this twice in the same scene.
You didn't lose me, Logan. You just
needed to actually WANT me.
...nice.
p106 EXT. CITY SIDEWALK -- OLD DOWNTOWN -- NIGHT
EXT. CITY SIDEWALK -- OLD DOWNTOWN -- NIGHT (WEEKS LATER)
...or something similar. No need to put that in your action description
You know. That was a great thing
You know, that was a great thing...
Alright, I've said quite a bit above, so i'll say a few more things. This was not that easy a read but kudos on your second draft of your story.
Concept: Not that unique a concept and not uniquely executed. Neither is necessarily a bad thing. There's all kinds of movies that are retreads of hackneyed ideas that go on to rule the roost. You have the makings of a drama here but other than that label, there wasn't much else to label it by. Romantic drama brought about by tragic circumstances? You have the opportunity, however, to bring something unique to this...I don't think you've done so quite yet.
Dialogue: I detailed much of this above. Needs lots of work. Far too verbose. Even if verbosity, like in the case of Kevin Smith or Spike Lee, is an earmark of your style, it doesn't serve your story at all. If you ask yourself the question: can I say the same thing, in half the time or less? In most cases you should do that. By all means, stop repeating yourself. Every moment should peel back the layers in dialogue of whatever issue your characters are having to reveal something new, either for the audience or for the characters themselves. This helps to move the story along and give it momentum. There were no distinct patterns I could see in your dialogue. Logan and others are in their 20s and are very generic in what they say, in addition to saying too much. Subtext, my friend...it's gonna get you much further in your story than what you have now.
Characters: Distinct characters I suppose, that is, I could follow who was who. You don't really have an antagonist force in this story. Devin is...kinda...not strong enough even though he does provide an obstacle to be overcome so that's good. There was a lack of conflict and I think your story suffers in places. In stories like this, it is essential you do a full character sketch for your protagonist. What is the psychology of Logan's plight? I never really got why he did the asshole thing - that seemed forced and didn't evolve out of a sufficient incident or dramatic turn. It was just there...okay fine. He's the cause of Stephanie getting killed (in my opinion) and he has guilt about it. Now, I've never written a character like that but there's characters like that in all kinds of movies that you should use as a guide to make Logan more interesting. He has a passivity that keeps the story bogged down and in the one area where you have an opportunity for him to be proactive, with Alex, it just comes across as mush. If I were writing it, I would pour all Logan's energies into Alex in his attempt to assuage his guilt. And then I'd have him do this to a fault: maybe he smothers Alex with too much attention or something like that. You missed some opportunities with Allen, Stephanie's father...milk that for all the complexity you can muster. Remember (if i understand your story correctly) Logan IS responsible for Stephanie's death...after a fashion. You have a golden ticket to weave this in meaningful ways into your narrative and how the characters react to this. You had too many characters that I didn't see serving the needs of the story like Christi. I'll talk about this in:
Story: I really didn't get the Christi subplot. Was it to run parallel to the main narrative? If so, that would be confusing. I didn't care about Christi in any way other than how she could move the story forward and she didn't in my perception. No need to lose her but have her affect Logan. His taking on her relationship issues didn't seem well-executed, at least in relation to his own needs. Not that much of a plot, really. I think the audience will be engaged in seeing how Logan will get over his woman's death especially with the introduction of Emma. All the elements are there with Emma - I just think you need to focus it and not make her so super nice. She needs to have flaws too and not just her ex. She needs to have a flaw that Logan responds to. I think the Alex subplot is underutilized. In other words, everything needs to be focused on Logan's triumph over guilt and grief. Here's something else: the setting for the story is not particularly visual or stimulating...maybe change the setting to someplace more interesting. It just seemed to be lots of apartments and bars.
Structure: Just a few misspells. You need to get better at making your Action/description more economical. Stop talking about things we can't see and if you do this, do it sparingly...one must have some style occasionally. You need to bust out more active verbs. A major problem I was was one of two things early on: 1) Stephanie's death should be the inciting incident around page 10-13...whatever. If so, you will need to condense what precedes it - I believe this can be done. BUT then where do you go the rest of the first act and what's your Act 1 break point...that point of no return for your protagonist? 2) Make her death be the Act 1 break point and then go off into the rest of the story like you've done. The problem with this is do you have enough story that precedes this moment for roughly 29 pages. Herein lies the essence overall...you don't have enough story here. Once you get rid of all the wordiness in dialogue, action/description and scenes that either run overlong or can go away, you have 70-75 pages of story here. There is NOT 107 pages worth of story here.
I think you're gonna have to go deeper with this to make it successful - character sketches all around. A more profound antagonistic force. Trusting that less is more. Whittle this down for your next revision and find what the story is really about thematically. Hope my ravings will be of use to you. read -
A review of Pleasant Valleyby ydnar600 on 12/29/2008Some DETAILED thoughts follow as I had them while reading to give you an idea of what I was thinking and reacting to as I went along in your script: p1 got some spacing problems...FADE IN comes pretty far down the page Slug line should incorporate the year, 1892, NOT in action description use CONTINUOUS in your slug lines instead of "A MOMENT LATER" p3 ...pays no attention... Some DETAILED thoughts follow as I had them while reading to give you an idea of what I was thinking and reacting to as I went along in your script:
p1 got some spacing problems...FADE IN comes pretty far down the page
Slug line should incorporate the year, 1892, NOT in action description
use CONTINUOUS in your slug lines instead of "A MOMENT LATER"
p3 ...pays no attention to the them.
p4 too many parentheticals of (smiling pleasantly)...we get it. Find another way to present this. You could even place it in your action/description (A/D)
p11 SISSY
Why don't you go put on a dress and
act like a girl. (?) watch your punctuation
p12 look the door...lock
A bit early for a flashback...we don't know Sissy's situation in context of the current story yet for a flashback to have much impact or relevance.
p11 you had her put the gun and holster on the dresser and now here on p12 she has the gun again...where she puts the gun behind her back in the water...details, my friend...
if she's jammed the chair under the door, i don't think it would just fall away. it might bust or splinter into a bunch of pieces but you haven't described it as such.
Your dialogue is a bit on the nose in this scene.
I'm not sure i'm understanding the reactions of your characters here. They get shot at and just make faces?! And then run away laughing? That's not realistic. I'm also not sensing an inciting incident and I'm on page 14. At this point, I should know what your story is about and there should already have been a crucial moment for your protagonist, Sissy, that engages us...I'm not engaged. The whole story up to this point could have been accomplished in half the time. Get on with it!
Also, as for details, this is 1892. I doubt there is running water. Typically, a bath would have to be drawn, that is, water would have to be brought in, heated and poured into the tub...but you haven't described it as such. In addition, your "use the john" comment. There were no integrated bathrooms unless you were filthy rich in a big city, NOT out on the frontier. They used chamber pots, outhouses or whatever...details!
p18 A more effective use of dialogue would be "If you snap at those children one
more time I'll kill you."
That one line, says exactly the same thing with the same intent as all the rest of what you had her say afterwards, in one fifth the time.
Far too much dialogue for Tom's reaction.
p20 People on the street have turned to stare...turn to stare
This is a screenplay, not a book. Use active verbs unless absolutely necessary.
p21 SISSY
I know what I'm doing.
...what is she doing? We're 20 pages in and nothing is happening.
p24 She begins to sob.
In screenplays, except for specific instances, no one "begins" to do anything. They either do or don't. In other words "She sobs."
p25 There sure are alot of people laughing in your screenplay. Can they do something else?
...are laughing, is laughing...active verbs...they laugh.
p27 Why would Max even know what a hyena sounds like? Is he worldly? Has he been to Africa?
p30 you realize you just finished off a scene that lasted for 5 plus pages. Nothing really happened in this scene - just a bunch of folks talking. It's a scene about finding out who Sissy is. And at the end of it, more laughter. I guarantee you, this scene can be done in 2 pages or less and say the same thing -- try it.
p31 She's already met Geraldo
p34 Why would Sissy kiss Geraldo on the mouth?
p38 very little story is happening in these scenes. Little bits of information is eking out but that's about it. And everyone sounds the same. You've got distinct characters but they're indistinguishable from each other. Your narrative is proceeding at a snail's pace.
p41 A full page of greetings...that's not interesting...your story is not about hellos...get on with it!!!!
by the way, I went back and looked at the description of Sissy and you never describe her as being Mexican
p51 this scene in the church: there's no need to have this many people giving thanks for being blessed. Two at most. Bertha should be one since she's a hooker...that's vaguely interesting. But people being blessed is not the story...is it? Howard Martin is the point of this scene and you need to get to him quicker. In other words, you've got a scene that runs 4 pages till you get to Howard Martin...this is not good.
You also might rethink describing everything people are wearing. It's not important other than in a general sense.
For example: A distinguished older man with a goatee, HOWARD MARTIN, 60s, stands up.
Simple and efficient.
p53 your dialogue is getting very repetitive
Why does Tom need to say "This is not an affirmation." twice?
p57 More laughter...ugh
p58 I'm not sure I remember this but what do Billy and the other one have to do with Howard? Are they fieldhands? Relations?
p59 4 year old Sissy hears her 14-year old mother...so she had her when she was TEN!!! And got pregnant at NINE???
p63 Hilda is repeating what she already said in the previous scene with the Sheriff
p64 What're you going do?
...to do?
p68 you're still repeating yourself here. It's already established real freaking well that everyone wants Sissy to go. Why then is Sheriff Wilson telling her what she and us, the audience, already know?
p71 okay, so the Sheriff was in on the murder...that's kinda interesting, if obvious...but you didn't foreshadow it in any way to make it have any impact here
All your characters seem to run around calling each other names and shoving and so on like kids on a playground. None of them seem like adults.
p74 Buenos tardes
...should be Buenas tardes...I think
p78 An bill?
Proofread, please.
p84 CORA
Maybe her long-lost Mescanbrother
wants to talk her some sense in
her.
...re-write
p85 and elsewhere...too many Thanks. Not interested in politeness.
p87 We're near the end of your story and you introduce the FISHERMAN. I assume he's integral to the story....if not, then he needs to vamoose!
please get rid of A MOMENT LATER in your sluglines
p90 Get rid of CONTINUOUS
From the bottom of page 88 up to at least p92, the scene is in ONE PLACE. Why then do you have a slugline for EXT. MAIN STREET repeatedly? This should all be action description and written as such.
p95 The reveal that Howard is her father, which I knew from early on, has no impact here especially since you just steamroll over the moment. There's no reaction from the crowd. There's hardly a reaction from Sissy either on page 75 when Rosa mentioned it.
p96 Billy and Johnny draw theirs guns....proofread
You shoot someone in the forehead, they typically die immediately. It might be better to have Howard say nothing at least and just have him look at Sissy in wild-eyed shock. I don't buy his dialogue here at all.
This scene totally doesn't work. People get shot in the head...this is a turn that's awfully abrupt with what's come before. The "You monster" comment needs to go away. Silence is a better reaction or at the very least have a mad rush of all the townspeople in a riot.
p98 this exchange with Sissy and Pedro about shooting fast "But you shot fast....I know" what's that about? You had the first part done okay and then come back with this and no follow-up.
Alright, your script needs a rewrite. It's a first draft and not a good one at this point. I believe i've detailed quite a bit above and I'll detail more now.
Concept: A fairly basic concept that has been seen before. That's not a knock, if you do it well. A very simple story of revenge or vengeance by a Mexican girl against a man who turns out to be her father, all set in the Old West. Not all the original except for the girl, Sissy.
Dialogue: Not good. I detailed much above. You must get into scenes later and get out earlier. No one is interested in people greeting each other or saying goodbye. Do you want to see that on screen? Ask yourself that. Most of your dialogue was too on-the-nose. There was no subtext. Everyone sounds the same. If you look at some of my previous reviews and see the exact same sentence, it's because all the scripts I've read lately have this glaring flaw. Not going to say much more than I already have but you really need to listen to movies with good dialogue and do like they do. Have your own style but if your style doesn't incorporate the ebb and flow of how people talk then you're not doing it right. Count how many times a scene starts with "Hi, How are ya?" and ends with "Thanks. I'll see ya'." and you'll see what i'm saying. You won't find it, cuz it ain't there. It shouldn't be here either.
Characters: The good thing about this script is you have distinct characters. Unfortunately they all sound the same. If this is the Old West then take some time, do some research on speech patterns that will help establish them in their environment. Your protagonist had no arc. She was the same at the end as she was in the beginning. This could be okay if the other characters around her had an arc. I think Geraldo had an arc because of Sissy but most everyone else was completely static. How cool would it have been if Hilda had learned a thing or two about following Howard blindly. Maybe the townspeople, even one of them, could have learned about the Mexican people in their midst. I didn't sense this happening. I didn't sense a more complex relationship between Sissy and her father. Once the audience knows he most likely was involved with killing her mother, that's really all we need to know about his character. So when Sissy kills him, there's no impact whatsoever. You gotta earn those moments.
Story: Not much of one. I knew the ending from the start. And from point A to point B, you didn't engage me in any way. There was no twist. There was no deeper meaning. There was a plot engine of Sissy finding out/already knowing who killed her mother but there were no other high stakes I could point to. There was very little tension. Sissy's external goal was to find her mother's killer. Apparently she already knew who this was as she comes into town seeking Howard Martin. Well, she knows it from the beginning. We, the audience, know it from the beginning. What else is the point? Your story simply became an exercise in waiting for the confrontation between these two. No mystery. Just endless scenes of townspeople talking about Sissy's pants.
Structure: Other than a little bit of momentum near the end, there was nary an act break for Act 1, 2 or 3. There was no inciting incident anywhere around page 10. Your action/description was not written very well often going into passive tense and some of the passages could really be written more efficiently. In my opinion, and I think I've backed this up, you have a story that is about 50 pages which means 40 plus pages of excess. As you do rewrites of this, always ask yourself if you can tell bits of your story in half the time. Condense. You had way too many scenes over the optimal length of 2 to 2.5 pages. Slug lines were often incorrect. The climax/payoff was not particularly satisfying as it was a foregone conclusion. Scads of misspells. You MUST proofread. You need to learn the art of creating a scene - the mechanics of screenplay writing is tedious but important. There was alot about your screenplay I didn't mention that needs fixing.
Synopsis/Logline: Your synopsis reads very amateurish. Essentially it should be a paragraph that gives an overview of your story. Actually, just thinking about it now, your logline could be: A young Mexican girl rides into an Old West town wearing pants and a gun. That's it -- makes people immediately wonder about the pants, the Mexican part and so on...all in one sentence. Don't tell people that your story ends in a duel! That's for us to discover...
So there you go. You've got alot of work to do. I know what I've written is a bit harsh but I think if you take some of it to heart, your future drafts will reflect it. read -
A review of Blackout.comby ydnar600 on 12/09/2008Some DETAILED thoughts follow as I had them while reading to give you an idea of what I was thinking and reacting to as I went along in your script: p1 Good opening p2. lose the ellipses in your action description. There's no reason for them. The mirror reveals Shawn adjust his designer tie. ...awkward sentence, not sure it's grammatically correct. Maybe use "adjusting"... Some DETAILED thoughts follow as I had them while reading to give you an idea of what I was thinking and reacting to as I went along in your script:
p1 Good opening
p2. lose the ellipses in your action description. There's no reason for them.
The mirror reveals Shawn adjust his designer tie.
...awkward sentence, not sure it's grammatically correct. Maybe use "adjusting" to make it flow better.
you got SULLLY with three L's
p4 He's way "too" calm...
p5 Probably no need to capitalize every word here.
p7 and elsewhere - not a fan of inter-sentence ellipses. I think intra-sentence ellipses are okay. I see this alot, it's a bad habit...so says I...;]
p12 Hello to you to ma..."too"...watch out for the diff between to and too. Last time I'll mention it.
p13 Jamal begins to help her.
...try, unless absolutely necessary, to not have an action that starts or begins. "Jamal helps her." If a train "starts" or "begins" to roll down the track then that might be necessary, otherwise no.
p16 Okay, at this point, I'm dialed in to the hook...so good job so far of laying the foundation and motivations...that's textbook!
p18 Knowledge of what, Mr. Wright?
...don't forget punctuation.
p19 gentlemen...gentleman
p22 Separate the separate elements of your Series of Shots more consistently OR put each instance on its own line. Right now, it's not much for the clarity.
You had a Montage earlier but didn't use the same beginning and ending convention you use here. How you have it here is technically correct.
p23 I'm trying to get
like you, look at this place, standing
room only.
...run-on sentence...re-word or re-punctuate
re: For Sale sign
...might be better to put this in an action line or (pointing at the sign) in parentheticals
p25 Put it on big mouths tab.
...mouth's (possessive)
p27 business men...businessmen
p28 could Jamal's crisis of conscience be a little early in the story here?
bottom of page 28, I don't believe you can have a scene without an action line.
p29 hors devours...incorrect spelling and i'm too lazy to remember
p33 …What's is this?
p34 Okay, I'm on page 34 and I'm not really sensing an end to your first act. By ending, I mean a point of no return for your main character(s) or maybe Jamal's mirror moment was what you intended.
p35 this tart language is kinda out of the blue
p36 Jamal, resumes flipping through some files as Shawn continues
typing.
....no need for that comma
p37 Shawn now faces Jamal who's is
...punctuation. At this point I'm gonna stop pointing it out. Work the punctuation correctly.
p38 ...two chairs facing the chapter Mr. Neal.
...I don't understand this sentence.
Jamal passes the Mr. Neal...did you do some crazy search and replace thing?
p44 Unless this bit with the mother and Stephen's little brother is going somewhere, I'd cut this back a bit. Right now I'm not sensing how any of this relates to the main narrative as a subplot other than his need to do a 12 page paper and impress Tameka. If that's how it relates, then be more economical with it.
walks hand and hand...hand in hand
seven forty five...is that a Mercedes?
p45 Stephen enters to find Matthew sleep...asleep
Try SLAM or BAM...do doors actually boom?
p48 MS. WRIGHT
(to matthew)
Just go wait outside.
...no need for this particular parenthetical since she's still talking to him in the sequence of dialogue.
p50 Corporate Man dialogue format is incorrect.
WHITE FEMALE or MILF?
p57 peaks out...peeks
p65 In front of here...her (you gotta proofread, dude)
p66 a couple of things here: 1) i'm not sure if enough time has passed that just because Matthew played a racist game on a computer, it would follow that he would go all Columbine and be slack-faced and devoid of emotion...that's a stretch in the short time you have allotted in the story. 2) This conversation between Tameka and Stephen needs to use the INTERCUT convention while they're on the phone. As it reads now, it looks like they're in the same room.
p67 this bit at the end of page 67 is good. For those of us paying attention, it's now becoming clear how the story, the characters and their actions are beginning to fold back on themselves in a strong dramatic fashion.
p80
WAITRESS (CONT'D)
Uh, did you--
...did she what? I'm not getting what she's about to ask Tameka here? Did you order? Did you steal my car?
p84 ...make sure your standing...
...you're...know the diff btw the possessive your and the contraction you're (you are). I HATE that shit!
p87 The chapter Mr. Neal massages...
...here that is again
Jamal's reaction with Angela's phone recording is probably not necessary here. We get this point from the scene preceding.
p88 you got some action/description here as dialogue
This moment with the black male might be seen as a twist to some but is kinda obvious to me as one from African-American culture. Not a criticism, but stories and moments like this play out differently depending on whose prism you're looking thru.
p92 please lose the all-caps
p93 too many reporters and too much dialogue from them. Find a more economical way of presenting this information. We get that they're distraught and there's a media circus, you're bogging your narrative down right here...not to mention bloating your page count.
p95 Though you've brought the thread of Jerrod back into things (and i was just wondering what happened to him), he AND the Matthew subplot needs to be interwoven somewhere earlier than this in my opinion. Some mention or acknowledgment by Jamal that Jerrod's situation is his fault. And I hope that there's some resolution to Stephen's thread...finish strong, man...bring it!
...okay, check that, here it is!
you've got more action/description mixed with dialogue...gotta watch out for that.
p98 Shawn roughly picks himself up off the gravel and attempts
to clean the grime of the ground off of his once crisp
apparel.
...while this is nice description, it's over-long. It might be better to say simply: "Shawn picks himself up off the concrete." This, among other things is why your story is at 111 pages. Descriptions are nice...but there's a balance.
Too many phone conversations.
p103 consider this: since the tenor of this scene in the hospital room has been tread in an earlier scene, maybe end the scene when Angela and Jamal walk in. I think the audience knows they're gonna pull the plug. And I think there's something unwholesome about the doctor calling security and that whole thing. Not working for me.
p108 knuckles lose color
...would a black man's knuckles actually do that? I'm just sayin...
alright, i got a problem with Jamal's suicide only in the sense that, it being an ultimately selfish act, though I understand his motivation for doing so, why would he put his mother in the position of having to mourn two sons on the same day? There may be no way around this but it seems that he would be more apt to find another way out.
p109 nice callback with the Tools of incompetence
p110 He runs into the arms of his awaiting mother and brother.
....awkwardly worded. Lose "awaiting".
p111 hmmm...if that's who I think it is (and i guess he found another way out), then you should go back to page 59 and specify DOG TAG in all caps cuz I totally forgot that element.
The hat clad man could still be described as being black but you probably thought the dog tags would sell the moment. I'm not sure if it does. Maybe one more mention of the dog tags. It's been 50 pages since we saw that element.
Alright, overall this was not a quick read but only because, as your bio states, you're a first-time screenwriter. Let me say up front that as a first outing, this was fascinating and as soon as i was assigned it, I hoped it would be so. So kudos for this first effort.
I've said alot already and I'm gonna say some more:
Concept: In my mind, every time i go to one of those racist sites, I think in the back of my mind what it would be like to dupe a bunch of racist dumbasses in the way you're detailed here. So I dig the concept. I really don't think others will and here's why. I don't know if you're African-American but I am. I wrote a script with racial themes awhile back where most everyone on Triggerstreet who reviewed it said it was well-written, but HATED it. Out of 3000 scripts it was 2800 or so. Your audience for this is limited. If the fine reviewers at Triggerstreet were a more diverse cross-section, then you would get more varied responses. Since this is not the case, and it's our "fault" (if you know what i mean) this is not the case, then everyone will probably hate this script and accuse you of being racist and they won't be able to overcome their sense of cognitive dissonance they will undoubtedly feel from reading Blackoutdotcom. I know I had some dissonance myself...but that's the story.
Dialogue: I didn't actually buy the dialogue much of the time. Even though Jamal and Shawn are educated, I guess, they both sounded the same. And their dialogue didn't flow for me. And maybe you patterned their patters after some people you know...in that case, nevermind. Try to work on giving each character a distinct voice...pretty difficult thing to do. Some of your dialogue was far too long. A lesson learned is to take 8 lines of dialogue and say the exact same thing in 4 lines or less.
Characters: I think all the characters work. There's the dichotomy between Jamal and Shawn and what their goals are and in opposition to each other. I didn't really find the resolution of their arc satisfying as the ending was quite the bummer but that's okay. Jamal's arc was facilitated by Jerrod's eventual death. Shawn's by his house and the part he played in this whole thing. So the complexity is there for sure. I don't think we spent enough time with Jerrod to really know him and though we spent a bit more with Matthew, as I stated earlier, his turn to the whiteside was too abrupt for me and I think the ending of his arc was too open-ended. Had he learned his lesson? Or would Stephen teach it to him?
Story: This seems to be a character study interwoven with some plot-heavy elements. I'm not sure I recognize or have resonance with the world these characters inhabit. Something about the racists making me think it was set in the south even though it wasn't. If this was set in Connecticut (Connecticut River) try to make more mention of this and set the scene. We, down South, don't associate soul-food restaurants with New England. I think you did a good job with your central narrative as, for an audience, we know what's going on even if the characters themselves don't know at the time and it was a treat to see how it played out. I was actually engaged to keep reading which is a very difficult thing to do. Not sure what the underlying theme was. Stories dealing with racism are a tough sell. Holding up that particular mirror is not something most want anything to do with. I think you got thru it without being too heavyhanded though...for the most part. Racism does run the gamut between subtle and grotesque. I don't have any idea who killed Shawn at this point...and I'm too lazy to go back and check.
Structure: not gonna delve too much into inciting incident/act breaks and the like here as I think the flow of the story work as is. You just need to focus it. Make sure every scene has relevance. Take time to ask yourself if you can say or do the same thing in half the space. Your action/description should rarely go over 4 lines and you had many instances where it was longer. This increases page count. I, too, like good descriptions but as i said earlier, there's a balance. Too many phone conversations...completely uninteresting in most cases...find another way to present this narratively as it completely stops the momentum. The climax/payoff was good and a bummer. MANY misspells and punctuation issues...fix those. Instances of action/description embedded in dialogue. Though the story is not too long, I think the story is a bit long pagewise simply due to some of the things I just mentioned. Ideally, with those changes and a better focus in successive drafts, you should be at 100 pages. A budget for this would be in the low range.
Keep it up, Ruben! Though the responses to this are very likely going to be "there's so much racism in your story...whaaa-whaaa!", don't be deterred. It's when you get responses like that that you realize you just may be onto something. Good job! read
Comments About ydnar600 31
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AndrewAlderete on 02/01/2013
Sorry - I had to choose a random avatar for you as a result of needing it to display on our main page. Feel free to change it, but please do it. Thank you! -
AndrewAlderete on 02/01/2013
Congrats on being January's Reviewer of the Month. Check out the forum for the announcement. -
ajstewart64 on 01/20/2013
Thank you for the notes. The next draft if The Torch is uploaded here and ready if you want to take a look. -
mattyrm on 01/13/2013
Top review of the Nominee. You raised some very insightful points which demonstrates a certain attention to detail. Many thanks. -
laurenstotts on 01/09/2013
Thanks very much! If I read any of your other stuff in the future I will try to be very thorough. I hope my review of Better to Dance... wasn't too harsh - it was a great introduction to this site. I tend to be a little over-critical in reviews with the aim of writing, you know, a useful review. But I wanted you to know that I did enjoy reading it very much. -
f-ceska on 01/06/2013
Hello and thank you very much for your review of 'Against the Wind' (2). You've made some useful comments and I certainly agree with you about the dialogue. I need to work at that a bit. Also, I could probably tidy up the writing and get rid of those 'start to's' you mentioned and make the scenes sharper, shorter, neater.
Regarding your other points (antagonists, structure, conflict), I know exactly where you're coming from with all that. (I've read the same books, funnily enough!) However, as I noted in my info notes, I envisage this screenplay in European cinema style; not Hollywood. (Bit silly uploading it to a US-based forum perhaps!) I don't know if you're familiar with any European cinema (in contrast to fast paced, conflict driven Hollywood movies, they probably appear dull and boring), but they tend to break all the rules, which I think is a good thing. (How awful if all films followed the same rules!). Some people like them, some people hate them. If I wanted to make a Hollywood-style movie, I would do exactly as you suggest and up the conflict and antagonism, make sure I had an inciting incident on page 12, and stuff like that. But for this one, I know, I'll probably just have to make it myself... ah well!
Thanks and good luck with your work!
Francesca -
adampryor on 01/05/2013
Thank you for your review. I appreciate the feedback. Your notes are very helpful as you pointed out some of my concerns. -
brrose on 01/05/2013
Thnaks for the Wow! review. Very thoughtful comments. Cheers! -
D J Sheridan on 12/31/2012
Hi there,
Many thanks for your review of the WOW Anthology. I'm sure all your comments have made there mark with the authors who contributed into it.
Dark Terror was supposed to be a WOW bit for the fact that his Mother was soothing him whilst he dreamt the nightmare...
Sorry you did not connect with it but thanks for letting me know this. It does show that this is okay with others, great with some and not with others.
But hey, this is what it's all about!
Thanks again!
Dave -
Ryan Maher on 12/30/2012
Hey, Randy
Thanks for taking the time to read the WOW Anthology, and for your kind words in regards to my contribution (Driven). It makes my day when people enjoy reading my stuff!
Oh yeah, a 'close' is how we Brits often refer to cul-de-sacs. You learn something new every day, eh?
Best of luck with your writing for 2013, and have a very Happy New Year!!!
Ryan
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Comments About ydnar600 31
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Quote
Sorry - I had to choose a random avatar for you as a result of needing it to display on our main page. Feel free to change it, but please do it. Thank you!
-
Quote
Congrats on being January's Reviewer of the Month. Check out the forum for the announcement.
-
Quote
Thank you for the notes. The next draft if The Torch is uploaded here and ready if you want to take a look.
+ more commentsAndrewAlderete on 02/01/2013
AndrewAlderete on 02/01/2013
ajstewart64 on 01/20/2013