youngadam

A review of Unsung Heroes

by youngadam on 08/14/2006

Your script has an instantly quirky, independant-kind of feel to it. The overall structure is more adventure-like with the three characters going on one journey back to Big Town. There is a cool contrast between these two sides of the story: the classical epic-style narrative with the quirkier characters and situations, but without feeling forced or ham-fisted. The epic elements... Your script has an instantly quirky, independant-kind of feel to it. The overall structure is more adventure-like with the three characters going on one journey back to Big Town. There is a cool contrast between these two sides of the story: the classical epic-style narrative with the quirkier characters and situations, but without feeling forced or ham-fisted. The epic elements in particular are diverse and well-integrated. References to comic books and Oz alongside Greek tragedy (the chorus) and a loose Anabasis-like structure.
At first this is a little strange and off-putting, and it all seems a bit sudden, but once the tone is established the rest of the film sits quite well. The first scene involving Mister E and Black Death meeting with Jane is a bit too wordy and long to establish the two as main characters. Maybe Jane should take one look at Mister E and just drive right on past, and then come back when she sees Black Death. As it is, in this first scene it feels like Mister E and Black Death are incidental characters who are simply part of Jane's journey. Mister E and Black Death should have a more arresting emphatic entrance than they currently do.
You create really colourful, interesting characters. Mister E has great lines and the fact he doesn't abbreviate any of his words captures his naivety and relentless optimism quite well. He is certainly the most endearing character in the script. Perhaps by contrast Jane isn't as likeable, all she seems to do is berate Mister E and inflict violence on people - she even acknowledges this hersel, although her fondness towards Black Death/Fred is nicely handled. Her relationship with Mister E, however, doesnt seem to change enough (apart from the instructions she gives him for bording the freight train) as the script plays out. Both Jane and Mister E need to change a little more over the course of the story.
I like the opposition in the film. The Iron Jakes as middle-management savages is hilarious, as are the Hell's Hobos with their antique weaponary. I particularly like Whitaker and his correction of Leonard's speech, a really nice touch and I would like to see Whitaker with a bigger role if possible.
Just a final criticism: the violence in the film is off-putting. Jane seems to approach every situation rock-in-hand, and even though this is a central part of her character it needs to be explained in order to make her more likeable. Likewise the ultraviolence at the end of the film with descriptions of pus, disease and gore are really jarring considering the humourous ambience of the rest of the film. It just didn't sit right.
All of that said, I did enjoy this script for its unique atmosphere and fascinating structure and local colour. I look forward to future drafts. read

Final Seal Review

A review of Final Seal

by youngadam on 08/09/2006

I really like the concept and setup of this: A man who wakes up in different places but doesn't know why. The explanation is also not too jarring as the religious aspect is established through the character of Thomas. First up: you should number your pages :) The pace adds to the sense of mystery and suspense, which is integral to a film of this kind. The reveal is delayed... read

Father Max Rev. 2 Review

A review of Father Max Rev. 2

by youngadam on 08/04/2006

I was happy to get this on my assignment list as I had reviewed the first revision and liked it a lot. First off, you haven't tinkered too much with the plot of this which I was happy about, as I thought the first draft was pretty much airtight. It has a good pace and the large number of characters just about get equal billing, which is good. The establishment of Francis now... read

There is a Season Review

A review of There is a Season

by youngadam on 08/02/2006

In a way its hard to review a script like this at a time like this, but I thought that this was a good read. You obviously know your stuff in regards subject matter and local culture and the pacing, tension and character development is all spot on. The two narratives of the Jewiush family and the Muslim family are well balanced. Each is given equal weighting in the script so... read

Long Fangs Review

A review of Long-Fangs: Union of Tribes (v. 2)

by youngadam on 07/25/2006

This is certainly unique, and has some great action sequences and an interesting story mythology which you use well to complement the plot. There are some issues that need to be adressed however. First off, this needs to be established as a fantasy work as early as possible. At first I thought Long Fangs was a ceremonial position or such-like, it needs to be clearly stated... This is certainly unique, and has some great action sequences and an interesting story mythology which you use well to complement the plot. There are some issues that need to be adressed however.
First off, this needs to be established as a fantasy work as early as possible. At first I thought Long Fangs was a ceremonial position or such-like, it needs to be clearly stated that this is an immortal person and that we are within the fantasy genre as early as possible so that later reveals of Gods and beasts and the like aren't so jarring.
You also need to decide who the protaganist is: if its Sarah, which it seems to be initially due to her writing an article on the tribes, then she needs to have a stronger presence. She is absent for large portions of the screenplay and then when she does appear she doesn't contribute very much. Perhaps it would be better to have Sarah accompony Long-Fangs on his journey: that way you have someone that Long-Fangs can explain all this local mythology to, and we can also learn more about Sarah and see her participate in the action. There is potential for a good double-act there.
Luke is a great character, a suitabley evil villain with some genuinely funny lines. You seem to have some trouble balancing his dry wit with his savagery after he becomes a follower of Kurupuri however. A revision of the dialogue is necessary: he goes from beaing beast-like when confronting Sarah to being articulate when talking to Santander. Possible ways to get round this are to seperate these two sides to Luke and show him to have a split personality, or integrate them a little more. That said, Luke is a very strong villain who is more than a match for Long Fangs.
On a related note, the potential for Headhunter/Cannibal conflict is kind of wasted. I would love to see Luke retain his cannibal followers for the whole film, and a Two-Necks/No-Mouth showdown at the climax of the story would be great. You should replace the army presence at the end with cannibals: the cannibals have been established earlier on and are a better representative of the jungle-cutters. As it is, I feel some sympathy for them in that they are defending innocent people. This brings us to another problem: the murder of the work crew at the start. I'm not sure about this, as it detracts from some of our early identification with Long Fangs which is crucial in getting us on his side. Long Fangs killing innocent wage-slaves isn't his finest hour.
Whilst your action scenes are fast and exciting, try and mix it up a little. Long Fangs should vary his fighting, maybe have him use some different weapons, fight in different environments (the battle with the Kuyamara beasts for example could take place in the river), just be careful it isn't simply Long Fangs slicing people up with a machete. Also, make the final battle between Luke and Long-Fangs more epic, longer and have it take place outside. As it is it reads like a scuffle in some guy's office.
I had a blast reading your screenplay and I think it has a great sense of fun, some fantastic characters and an intriguing and unique mythology. read

Excellent Work

A review of Swimming in Your Pants II

by youngadam on 07/21/2006

The biggest compliment I can give this script is that as someone who is entirely ignorant of China and Chinese culture, you managed to realize Beijing very well. The script could easily have been overwhelmed by cultural detail but you use it in the best possible way: to add to the drama and chracters. The atmosphere is, as you write in your bio, a lot like Lost in Translation,... The biggest compliment I can give this script is that as someone who is entirely ignorant of China and Chinese culture, you managed to realize Beijing very well. The script could easily have been overwhelmed by cultural detail but you use it in the best possible way: to add to the drama and chracters. The atmosphere is, as you write in your bio, a lot like Lost in Translation, only this script is much more respectful of the culture it is based in. Setting a story in China and having that be an essential part of the film is a rare and unique thing in itself, and your writing makes great use of that.
The characters are all well-rounded and three dimensional. Jacob in particular makes for a fine protaganist, being both likeable and yet damaged: his reaction towards Giulia's leaving is very tender and delicately handled. Giulia herself is interesting, being the victim of betrayal herself and yet loving two men at the same time.
You do a great job of managing the different plots and subplots, and the film moves at a fairly slow pace without ever being dull.
The only constructive criticism I can offer is concerning dialogue. In a way, the characters are too good, too articulate. They speak too perfectly at times, and scenes involving particularly with Jacob/Giulia and Jacob/Anna highlight the fact that they can, at times, seem a little smart-arsey with the witty commentary. You obviously had a lot of fun writing it and it reads very well, but be careful not to give all the characters this kind of voice as it diminishes the effect.
Also, at some points it seems that certain characters voice opinions for social/national viewpoints. Be careful that they don't just become mouthpieces. For example, Giulia's line "We like you, not the cowboy you elected" seems to imply that she is a character representative of Italian discourse. I'm not sure how effective/appropriate that is. By contrast, Jacob's tirade against the 7-eleven employee is a better handling of this sort of thing because it is motivated by Giulia's actions in the scenes previous.
I love the ending imagery of the three cities blurring into one.
Overall this is brilliant stuff; looking back on this review I realize I may not have been as critical as could be useful to you, but I genuinely feel there is little need for improvement. Nice one! read

Superb atmosphere but cut back!

A review of The Will To Live

by youngadam on 07/14/2006

What you do very effectively in this script is to evoke a mood of seediness and gloom. Its a superb evocation of the underside of life, and you get a feeling that this universe is so relentlessly negative that Jude can never escape from it. I especially like the combination of imagery: public libraries, cadillacs, diners; all siginifeiers of a very American ideal with other... What you do very effectively in this script is to evoke a mood of seediness and gloom. Its a superb evocation of the underside of life, and you get a feeling that this universe is so relentlessly negative that Jude can never escape from it. I especially like the combination of imagery: public libraries, cadillacs, diners; all siginifeiers of a very American ideal with other darker scenes involving drugs, thugs, homelessness and the like. Top notch mood.
There are some elements of the script, that you could work on though.
If you plan to direct this yourself ignore this, but you shouldn't be putting camera angles/movements in the script at all. That's the job of the director - if that's going to be you then fine, but otherwise don't bother, it just makes the script harder to read.
Likewise, parenthesis should be one or two words, not big paragraphs. Also you should be careful about interspersing dialogue with parenthesis, new parenthesis should be given seperate lines. BE careful you aren't dictating to actors or readers.
Get rid of the headers, they get in the way.
I think you may have over-written a little. What I mean by that is you are sort of analyzing the story for the reader as you are writing: for example, your description of Jude having sex with Chenault is followed by "The lack of nakedness indicates a lack of closeness": you do this sort of thing all through the script. Don't worry about this stuff, your writing is good enough that the reader will be able the analyze it for themselves. Putting your own analysis in clutters up the script and breaks up the flow of the story.
On the same lines, break up the action paragraphs, remove that analysis and give us more description of action. You don't describe your end gunfight/police raid in enough detail to make it a tense scene. The mounting police presence is a good way to complement Joe and Jude's confrontation, and that should be described in a lot of detail, as should the gunfight that follows; the physical manifistation of the Jude/Joe tension.
Your plotting, whilst admirable in its playing with time and constant flash back/flash forwarding, sometimes gets overwhelming and I had to re-read past sections to get my bearings again. For example, we see Jude homeless after his fight with Julie and the a few scenes later he has his own appartment again. I kept feeling I was missing something in the transitions.
I'm not sure about the voiceovers. They're a little too long, and you should be careful that the audience doesn't become a psychiatrist for Jude. Speaking of which, we need to see more of Jude being happy. By the end of the script I found myself getting a bit sick of his relentless negativity. You write a wonderful scene where O describes a surreal encounter with a woman at the mall and the two share a joke about it. Jude would benefit with more of those type of scenes, as well as the genuinely loving moments with Julie and Chenault. Give Chenault a reason to stay with Jude. As it is he comes accross as a bit of a whinger - understandebly given his childhood, but he would benefit from more moments of humour and strength.
All in all, good luck, I look forward to future drafts! read

Ambitious!

A review of Sleepless Knights (revised)

by youngadam on 07/07/2006

I think this is really good work for the most part. I love the concept, and the characters of Chester, Sam, Bob and Kevin are really well defined and share several really good scenes of banter and back and forth humour. There are a lot of really nice, dry one-liners they fling at each other which quicken the pace and make for a good read. A few things I think could be improved,... read

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